lazy DP...25 weeks pregnant...had ENOUGH

[yummicheddars]

Sooo ok, we're both only 21, we already have a 2 and a half year old DS together, and I'm 25 weeks pregnant. Basically we haven't felt a spark in a very long time (years) since first pregnancy, we have been pushing it aside and staying together. I moved out as we we're living with his parent october 2010, we stayed together, but then he decided he could finally cut his invisible imbilical cord from his mum and move in with me and his son july 2011. Since he's lived here..he has done nothing around the house. Doesn't pick up own boxers, doesn't do washing, pots cooking cleaning ..nothing. Although if I ask..its takes about 5x till he actually does it but with a very bad tempered face. He does work, so that is his excuse, he works 8hrs 5 days a week as an electrician, I only do 4 hrs saturday nights, full time student (eventually to be a paramedic) that makes me at college 2 full days a week, plus many hours studying at home, I manage to have him dinner cooked for when he gets in from work, if for some reason I haven't, for instance I'm out, he moans. Like the other day...I went into town and because I hadn't been home to make anything..I received a txt saying "I haven't had anything to eat" ... Unbelievable. I don't want to leave him, even though there's no spark, or chemistry. Or possibly even trust due to things from the past. We're meant to be getting married in july. But he will not listen to me and doesn not change with the house habits.I am a very clean person and its really getting my back up. Sorry about moan...

Well I do my coursework, I have to do it whilst he's at work..while I'm watching DS or when DS has gone to bed and is asleep.

You'd have to apply through the CSA, they will force him to pay.

"He is such a good dad to our DS though, I think that's what keeps me with him"

Cocklodgers who treat their property i.e you in this case with such contempt are patently not good fathers and never will be. Women who are in dysfunctional relationships often write the above when they themselves have NOTHING at all positive to say about their man. You have written nothing positive about this man you're with.

BTW he is still legally responsible for his children in terms of finances evn though he crows otherwise. And any talk from him re full custody of the children is designed to keep you in your hole you're in. Also if he is not going to pay up readily, then it is also unlikely he would want full custody and again its all designed to keep you quiet and compliant. These horrid men know what will hurt women in the most - using the children as a threat against their female property Its all very lowlife behaviour on his part.

This is no role model for your child to be a witness to is it; damaging lessons on relationships are being taught to him by the pair of you.

And what SGB said too. You stay with this sexist cockoldger idiot and marry him to boot; you confine yourself to a life of misery and pain. Your parents do not have to live with him and you do not any longer have to either.

Can you list how, exactly, he's a good dad to your DS?
I can't believe you're contemplating starting out on a marriage (which ought to be for a long time) when you're having this many problems already. Marriage is hard enough when you love each other, there is a spark and chemistry, and you respect each other and pull your weight? How on earth is this one going to work given what you've described? Better to ditch the idea now.

You say you couldn't cope on your own. Sounds to me like you already are, and with the millstone round your neck that is his shockingly lazy attitude. Get rid of that and it'd be 10x easier.

Why does everyone sell the idea of leaving him and doing it on your own? Geez, shes said hes a good Dad and he works full time hes not a total loser.
The next thread will be about him meeting someone else and the difficulties and complications of OW etc. For goodness sake.

Working full time isn't an excuse to behave like a complete wanker to your partner and the mother of your children.

Does anybody think maybe relationship counselling? I honestly feel as though I could not cope without him. I know the best thing for me is to leave him, but is it the best for our kids.

Relationship counselling might help I guess, if he was willing to go, willing to participate honestly, willing to accept his faults as a partner and try and change them (same goes for you too, of course, in the interests of parity!) Do you think he would do this?

Ultimately though, you have to ask yourself if you want to stay in a relationship where there is no desire, passion, respect or fun binding you together. Forget the kids, forget the money and every other practical consideration for a minute and just ask yourself - do I want to spend my life in this situation? Will I be happy and fulfilled? Because if the answer is no, there's nothing to stay for. You risk wasting your young life in a joyless environment, which is something that only leads to regret and bitterness. IME.

I think he would use councilling as another rod to beat you with - he sounds manipulative and threatening, and the fact that he KNOWS he should clean but choses not to, waiting to then laugh at you when you tidy shows exactly how he is working.
He pulls a good wage, so he may not have somewhere to go, but he can afford it. If you dont earn much then you can get legal aid. Unless he is looking after kids all the time atm then they wont give him custody - as said , this is a threat designed to stop you even thinking - wont happen.
and he wont have any choice to pay - CsA will see to that.
sounds like he is making your life harder, not easier.

and in reply to the text - would have replied 'OK, you can make dinner for us all then'

councilling for yourself though would be fantastic.
sadly sounds like the fairly common complaint of controlling parents followed by controlling/abusive partner

The more I read, the more I think your partner is emotionally abusive and manipulative.

He knows you are not happy. He knows you are stressed and unhappy that he does not help around in the house. He knows his text about not having had anything to eat would get your back up. He wants to grind you down! He knows you want the relationship to be over. He has threatened you with full custody of the kids, with his financial superiority to you, it is implied that HE can afford good solicitors while you cant. Heck, he has even showed your parents the same sunny side he showed you for a week, so he has even got THEM on his side against you.

He does not behave like a man who loves his partner and children. He wants you to succumb. He wants a full time housewife who knows her place! I reckon he is hoping you shall just give up, succumb to him, stop studying to have time to service his needs. DONT! Kick this cocklodging arsehole out.

Yes it is the best thing for your kids. He is not a good father, he just isn't. He treats you with open disrespect, he threatens you to stop you from leaving and you said yourself that HE DIDN'T EVEN COOK YOUR SON FOOD! Sorry for shouting but how in hell do you think this man is a good father? How?

I can guarantee you, hand on heart, that he will not look for full custody of your children. He has zero interest in them. He is using them to keep you with him and he wants you with him because he likes having a slave who is afraid and obedient. Is that an environment you want your children to grow up in?

Is it really best for your children to grow up in a household where you as their mother is treated with complete contempt?. They will see and witness his treatment of you at first hand and learn that this is how women are treated. What relationship lessons do you yourself want to teach your children?.

Your children can still have a relationship with their Dad even if you are apart.

You can certainly live without this lazy arse millstone dragging you down with him but unfortunately conditioning and parental pressure has made you think otherwise. You need to rid yourself of such a damaging mindset and counselling for you solely is adviseable. You can wait an age for NHS counselling but BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Also your college may be able to help in this area. Any joint counselling would more likely than not be a complete non starter as he feels he is not doing anything wrong here. He would never therefore likely countenance the whole idea of relationship counselling in any event.

Can I ask why you think you couldn't cope without him? What does he bring to the relationship? I'm not talking about money but emotional and mental support. Do you feel cared for? Does he stand up for you? Does he listen to you when you're low and celebrate your achievements?

you poor thing
This is going to fester and fester and you really need to go out with him one night to a public place have a meal and lay it on the line.
If he doesn't pull his weight then he will have employ a cleaner as with what you have on your plate it is the only fair way to go.
Getiing cleaners in is just another way of managing the household. Delegating what should be done around the house and don't even look back at it.
Really really hope you don't let thing just carry on as they are you will wear yourself down physicaly and emotionally and you will leave him evetually and then have wasted your life that way.
Get it sorted before you marry and tell him that that is what is going to happen or no wedding.
Stand firm if he won't then you have your answer of what kind of man he really is.

You only get one life. Don't hitch your wagon to someone you don't love or respect.
Do you get bursaries? Student loans? Career development loan? I was surprised to find out how much I could get in NHS bursaries as a student with a child, plus tax credit etc. I bet you could do it on your own. Plus the CSA would make him support you too.
I'm sorry your parents aren't helpful but you can't live your life to please them. You will be qualified in5 years and be able to support your DCs, and your p will still be a good dad to them, if he chooses to be. You do not have to be married for that to be true.

Well, if he's only 21, he might learn better ways, let's hope so. But until he does, it seems unwise to tie oneself irrevocably to such a person. Although he's shown he does know how to treat his partner - for a whole week, wow - he mostly cannot be arsed. Instead he is wheeling out threats and ultimatums. That doesn't sound like mature husband and father material.

Oh, and anything you take out of the system in benefits will be more than repaid when you've finished your training and get out there earning. I don't see it as morally superior to live off a man you despise.

He sounds horrible, to be honest (and your parents don't sound great either, which may be why you've ended up with a horrible man who thinks you exist to service his needs). You're getting nothing out of this relationship, and it's not good for your children either. You and he are the model they will have for future relationships - do you want to teach them that men do what they like while women clean up after them? If your new DC is a girl, don't you want her to have a better life than that? (And do you want your son to treat his partner as yours is treating you?)

It sounds as though he's living in your house. You're not married, he's not entitled to anything. If you decide you want him out, you could just change the locks and leave his stuff in the front garden.

"And hed take me to court to get full custody of our kids. "

very much doubt it.

worst that could happen all things benig equal is 50/50 joint residency. but i doubt it -
he cant keep the house clean aand tidy - and doesnt even care - how on earth would he cope with two dc on his own???

My guess is he plans to dump them on his mum.