i found a secret facebook account and a 'dirty' text conversation on his phone...

[messybedhead]

But the funny thing is, is that this was in October and I didn't feel hurt or cheated, I just made fun of him.

I also found lots of 'naughty' photos of women on his phone. The most sickening thing I found was a video of him pleasuring himself with all the sound effects. It was obviously made during the day when I was at work which meant my DS would have been in the house.

In the text conversation he had told this girl that I was his sister and that he'd beaten up my boyfriend for me- sorry even writing all this down makes me cringe.

His secret facebook account was linked to a page searching for this girl- I mean it is really soooooooooo pathetic I am dying just writing this down. There is lots more but its all stuff you've read a million times on here about nasty, cheating pigs.

Anyway, I just wanted opinions really. Obviously I should LEAVE HIM (did I mention he's useless around the house and doesn't have a job, nor has he managed to successfully keep one), but I need him to look after the DC. I have just started a job after years of training which requires me to leave at 7 and get home at half past 6. I don't drive. I have looked EVERYWHERE including various adverts on that other parenting website, but there is not available and affordable childcare local that can have my children from half past 6 until half past 6. I don't think I can use a nanny as I would need tax credits to help with the cost. My job doesn't pay that well. But hopefully it will one day.

We do not have any family locally (it was his brilliant idea to move to this area away from everyone) or local friends as we only moved 2 years ago and I don't really know any of the mums at DD's school as we moved here in Year One.

I go to work and make fun of him and everyone says that I should leave him, and if I had my mum living around the corner to help me with childcare I would have left him oooh maybe 2 years ago. And I know childcare is a really stupid excuse , but I have worked so hard to get where I am and I need to complete this one year in order to be qualified properly ( can you guess what I do??).

Sorry I'm rambling, blame the wine. I don't even know what I'm asking really- just want to talk about it without putting on a brave face like I normally do.

Keep dreaming sweetie, you will find somewhere, once you're done studying you can be flexible and the same happy school will be found hopefully nearer your Mum.

Thank you. The way you worded that post reminded me of a very dear friend who I haven't seen in a while and I know you are right.

Eveything will work itself out in the end.

could you get an aupair

I was stuck with my twatface Ex (he was abusive rather than cheating) due to the whole work/childcare/no family/not driving combo for a long time so I do know some of how you feel. My situation was compounded by being stuck in a house that was a building site as well...

I know most CMs won't start before 8am (took me years to find one who would start for 7.45, and she was the solitary exception) or work much after 6. Obviously you need someone from about 7am - which trust me is also v early to have to get out of the house with 2 dc (we used to have to leave at 7.30 and I remember what a struggle that was getting my 2 out of the house, a mile down the road to CM & then back to get my bus to work etc).

I think your best bet would be an aupair at least in the short term - I know you say you have no room but if you're sharing with your DD anyway could you not carry on with that? (not ideal I know but better than putting up with your DP) Or put DD and DS in same room?

If you had an aupair they could do the before/after school bit with DD. You'd need to find a CM or nursery for DS (as iirc aupairs can only do a few hours a day childcare) but aupair could again do drop off/collection. The big plus would be you wouldn't have to have both DC up and out of the house before 7 every morning. Honestly it's what I would have done if I'd thought of it at the time!

I'm in a 2 bed.

Maybe we could all share- I'll look into that.

Sorry :( Is there any way at all of creating a 3rd bedroom? (you haven't got a dining room you could put a bed in - or are either of the bedrooms big enough to split into 2?)

I do remember how shit it was having to live with someone you despise, really hope you find a solution (even if I havent been any help!)

You can't get an au pair to work 6:30am to 6:30pm! If your little one was at school as well then you could use an au pair for morning and evening or use an au pair in conjunction with a childminder/nursery.

Au Pair isn't French for slave labour!

A live-in nanny may be a solution though. Cheaper than a live-out nanny (though obv more expensive than an au pair).

So sorry you're in this mess. He is a twat isn't he?

Agree about the au pair.

I hope you find a solution soon he really doesn't deserve you.

I know its not feasible- I'm just thinking aloud (so to speak).

Thank you for all of your suggestions. Its helping me to see I'm not so much of a doormat for not kicking him out because at the moment I need him for childcare.

My friends (childless obviously) just say LEAVE HIM you'll sort some childcare out when actually I can't!

Will it be easier once you've finished your NQT year? Will that be done in July? I don't think you should give up your job unless you really have to. Maybe just think of him as your new male au-pair instead of your (d)h?

Ha ha that is how I think of him at the moment.

It will be easier in that I could leave my job and do supply work and then go back in to teaching (when I am settled with my miLlionaire). But realistically it wouldn't be ideal- I've signed a permanent contract and these are like gold dust at the moment for new teachers. I would be mad (or desperate) to give it all up.

Is there any chance you could move nearer to the school you teach at and get your children into a school nearby (or maybe your school)? You wouldn't need to leave so early then and could use breakfast/after school club for your daughter and maybe nanny share/childminder for your son.

Why do you have to leave so early and get back so late? Is it the commute? How do you travel?

OK well I'm going to be blunt. You need to stop thinking of that millionnaire. If you want to marry someone who's rich, you have to think whether you have the qualities that he would want. You're not displaying those at the moment - you're moaning about your life but are warding off every suggestion of how you could improve your life.

You have 8 months until September. In that time you should:

a) learn to drive - think of it as an investment
b) do really well in your job so that you get a good reference
c) apply for a job near to your mum starting in September 2012
d) stop sleeping with that twat.

Above all, stop moaning and start to look sensibly for a way to resolve your problems.

I agree with the suggestion to move closer to your job! Could you rent a 3-bed (even a flat), or even share a room with your kids (I do this - I live in a 1-bed flat at the moment and it's not that bad), so you can get an au-pair?

Really, I think you should start planning now for September. Stick it out for the next few months, but use that time to get everything in place for when it's the right time...

Will you be able to get your youngest into nursery school in September? Try to get his name down NOW at a place close to your job. Same for your DD - try to get her name down NOW for a school near your work.

If you have a permanent job, you should be able to rent a place quite easily

It is possible to leave your current situation, but it's going to take planning and an organised approach!

I agree with you- everything you have said.

I KNOW this full well.

In answer to another question my school is a half hour bus ride in the morning- get to school for 7.45 and leave at 5.20 not getting home til about half 6. My school is relatively close but I get the bus during traffic.

As I said earlier I'm not really posting for advice as such, more to clarify that my situation is made difficult due to work/ childcare/ proximity to family.

If I give up my job to claim benefits and live with my mum, then I am back to square one and he has won.

I don't really want a millionaire, its a joke, I wouldn't have any other man in my DCs life.

If I could drive and find a childminder or win the lottery in order to afford to move into my school's catchment, then yeah I'd leave him tomorrow.

As for sleeping with him, its pretty rare, maybe once every couple of months. I know this is wrong I really do.

Thank you for your comments.

I do understand your predicament messy, You are accused of moaning but I think that some people don't understand the shocking lack of childcare on some localities.

Agree with what people have said about getting the kids names down now for closer schools/nursery now in time for september.

1. About the driving: It is really expensive I agree and I'm not sure you can fund it on NQT wage but that depends on your other outgoings (some people on here just assume that people have loads of spare money at the end of the month when the reality is it is tightly controlled for most people). I learnt 4 years ago as we were in a rural area with crap transport and I had to take out a loan to do so. I purchased a secondhand but decent car, had 3 months of lessons (£44 for a 2 hour lesson back then) and passed first time thankfully. It made childcare a lot easier then as I was free to leave and arrive at work when I wanted. However, I am still paying the loan back now. I am glad I did it for all sorts of reasons but it did give me a debt, an affordable debt but nonetheless a debt.

Is there anyway of cycling to work? I know this might be a ridiculous suggestion if you live anywhere like me with tons of hills but if not I do know people who commute this way and have a seat or trailer etc for their children so they can drop them off and/or carry books and stuff. The plus side of this is that you would not be constrained by the bus timetable.

Would there be anyway of you and the kids moving back to your mum's (who I assume can look after them as you have mentioned: or I might be wrong!) and you do a long commute from there by train or something? Just temporary solution obviuosly as this would be knackering in the long term and not to mention expensive transport costs!

1. Do you have to stay so late at work? What time does your school finish? Is there any way of finishing earlier and working from home in the evenings (obviously not if you have to take stacks of marking home on the bus!). I agree that you are lucky to find a good NQT job in a school you like, they are so rare at the moment. We have had upwards of 50 applicants for the last few NQt posts we have advertised and thats secondary, I know its even more competitive for primary.

1. About your ExH; yes, as people have said, stop sleeping with him. If he disgusts you so much then you are doing yourself no favours. If he has to stay there until the summer hols then so be it, you can live in the same house and be civil, you are proving that most of the time. Sex will complicate things for you and for him. Maybe some counselling for both of you to resolve your issues with the situation would help. Not with a view to getting back together (if thats what you both want- and it sounds like you don't want him anymore) but just to ensure that when you do split up the issues are resolved. You saying that you 'make fun of him' about it is a coping mechanism for you but you do not sound like you have dealt with it to me.

Sorry for all the typos, trying to post in a rush as doing stacks of Y11 reports at same time (MNing in downtime!). Thankfully I'm not an English teacher

Hello.

My Ex did this, the FB and lying. He sent pictures showing my shadow (as in I was taking them) of him and DD to dates and said I was his next-door neighbour. Complete fantasist - some of the messages would have been funny if they weren't so fucking tragic.

And I also put off kicking the cock out because everything was so difficult - I even found a load of messages the night before moving house and let it slide because I couldn't face moving alone. So I get it, I do.

Last summer (having long since kicked him out) I decided enough was enough re not driving and so I did it - took a few months of weekly lessons. So now I can get to my teaching job. I also have no proper childcare and that stinks but it's just going to have to be worked out. How can you work it out? First thing is the driving: do it. Second - you've only got till the end of the academic year and that'll fly by. Use this Spring to pass your test and make some plans - teaching jobs for September nearer home? Nanny? Some local councils have someone to help you find childcare - does yours? What if you asked for help - who could help you? The school? Could you get a career development loan for the lessons/first month of childcare? Even a bank loan?

You can't kick the cocklodger out today, I do see that. But use the time to make sure you don't need him.
And ffs don't sleep with him .

Thank you Pat and Sue!

I really do need to drive- that will be the first thing I look into in order to get the ball rolling. If I could drive then I'm sure I could find a childminder somewhere who could help.

My mum works full time so I wouldn't be using her for childcare more just support really, and somewhere to go to get away from here.

You are all so kind and helpful, thank you for taking the time to reply. My friends just roll their eyes if I mention anything. I am so grateful to have a proper conversation with people who understand that its not so easy to just walk away.

Thank you.

I've just had the most genius idea.

What I pay in rent is what my mum clears from her job that she is unhappy in.

I could live with my mum and pay her my 'rent' to stay at home and look after my DC

Hmmm but I'm not sure my mum will agree that this is a good idea!

There is a thing (that's a technical term) where grandparents can register to receive the childcare payments paid for by working tax credit. Or so my DD's primary school teacher tells me (my parents also teach so are both selfishly still working - I never properly looked into it myself). So look into that - it may be something she can do now to get ready or do it now before it's no longer available.
So you could pay her but get a % paid for by wtc.
Start looking for jobs in her area - email your cv to local schools now.
Start thinking as if your life is better - it really helps. Planning secretly is what kept me sane.

Sounds like a plan worth suggesting to your mum, even if it was just as a start-off to get you both to a more happy place.

Your priority is to learn to drive-it is SO freeing and empowering to have that independance. it will also shrink your day which will be so much less tiring whatever your long term plans.

You don't need a new man to help you move on, you can do it by yourself,and then a new man will be a lovely extra to your new life if & when you are ready!

this group might answer the wtc question.