Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

want to leave but he's saying he will kill himself

38 replies

mamaLou13 · 07/01/2012 06:50

i have made my decision after year of deliberating i have had enough i want to leave dh, it's not fair forr dd to see us argue all the time etc many reasons but he says he will kill himself if i do as he can't live without me and his dd (16 months btw) we are his life. he will obviously see her but that doesnt seem good enough. what do i do? i couldn't live with myself if he did it?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 07/01/2012 06:53

Couldn't read this and not post, hopefully someone knowledgable will be along soon. Firstly people who threaten suicide to control someone else rarely do it, and in any case you are in no way responsible for the actions of another adult anyway. Have you contacted women's aid? They may be able to help.

philmassive · 07/01/2012 06:55

Ooh well done for making a decision which is right for you and dd. Don't give in to his blackmail, he is trying to make you responsible for his actions and it is purely a way of him trying to get his own way (ie for you not to leave him)
Other people with more knowledge will be along to help I'm sure but I wouldn't let him threatening to kill himself stop you from doing what you need to do.
Good luck, and here's to a better life for you and dd.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 07/01/2012 06:59

Does he try to control you in other ways?

Mine said the same this time last year. I left him in April and he's taking 20mo DD out this morning. Despite having said everything he did, he moved to live 4 hours away from his daughter but, to his credit, comes to visit her when he can.

In my experience this is fairly typical behaviour of someone who wants to be in control but can see it slipping away. They'll try anything to keep you within their grasp.

What's important is that you provide a safe and happy environment for you and your child. Be responsible for yourself and your own happiness, let him be responsible for his.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2012 07:22

Yes the suicide threat is all about control. Tell him you are sorry he feels that way, and call 999 next time he threatens it. He can explain himself to the staff in your local A&E.

The important thing is to remember that you are not responsible for anything he chooses to do with himself.

Have you considered doing a mediated separation/divorce? Or going through counselling with the aim of making the separation acceptable for both of you? I think you need a third party involved in all of this or you will end up with him calling all the shots and you pretty much dancing on the end of a string, marionette style.

Lizzabadger · 07/01/2012 07:44

All the more reason to leave him. What kind of a man would threaten to leave his child fatherless?

glasscompletelybroken · 07/01/2012 08:44

I had the same thing with my exH. I left - big drama and very traumatic but he is alive and we have both moved on.

You can't stay with someone because you are afraid of what they will do if you leave. You are not responsible for keeping him alive. He should get some professional help but you can't force him to.

Lizzabadger - that is harsh and inappropriate. people who seriously threaten suicide (like my ex) are depressed and not thinking straight. They are not necessarily bad people but are just in a very bad place and need help.

cestlavielife · 07/01/2012 11:36

my mow esP hasbeen going to kill himself for one reason or another since 2005 - he has not done so yet even when he has been in depths of real depression. there have been times when i thought the threat was real and called police to check on him - each time they visited him and he told them he was "fine".

this is a threat /emotional blackmail - as was said - just calmly call 999 next time he threatens it. He can explain himself to the staff in your local A&E.

you and ds cannot live with someone who is unstable and may kill themselves - he needs profressional help which you cannot give him.

you cannot stay living with someone for this reason - if it is a real threat call 999. in any case advise him to goto GP for referral as he feels like this.

Flanelle · 07/01/2012 12:00

You've made a brave decision but not quite searated from him emotionally, or this couldn't move you. I agree that a mediated separation is a good idea. But really you could just write a list of things he might say like this, and your best responses ("I'm sorry you feel that way, but it doesn't change my decision", "That's your decision. If you decide that's best for you then I have to respect that, but nevertheless I am leaving you", etc etc) and practice saying them.

My stbx tried threatening me in similar ways but I just had my mantra and called him on it every time. He had a new girlfiriend lined up within six weeks of me leaving. Apparently she's really kind Grin

neuroticmumof3 · 07/01/2012 15:35

This is his way of controlling you because he's losing his power over you. If he does actually carry out his threat then that's HIS choice and you're not responsible for him or his choices no matter what he says.

colditz · 07/01/2012 15:35

he won't.

FabbyChic · 07/01/2012 15:45

He is emotionally abusing you by saying this, tell him that he will get over it, that living together is no longer a healthy way to live, that you are both damaging your child by staying together when things are so bad.

If the love has gone you have to leave for your own sanity.

Katisha · 07/01/2012 15:46

Yep - its working isnt it - its stopping you leaving him.

Move on with your life and dont be held back by threats like this. If he starts saying he's going to do it then depending on situation call the police/ambulance or get onto your GP about it.

You cant be expected to stay with someone because they threaten suicide, you really cant.

(My experience of this, via another family member, is that once the bluff was called as it were, and my relative told the person in question that she would call the police next time he rang threatening suicide, it stopped. He did however continue to invent other crises that apparently only she could solve for a while.)

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 07/01/2012 15:50

Just wanted to echo everything said above: my ex made the same threats. It is all about control. He didn't carry it out. Whether your h does or doesn't (he won't), you are not responsible for him.

Congratulations on your decision to leave. I wish you all the strength you will need to see it through.

warthog · 07/01/2012 15:52

emotional blackmail - i'll kill myself if you leave and then it's your fault.

please don't fall for it. leave. if you're truly worried you can call 999 but i think he's got nothing to lose by saying that, and so far it's working for him so he's not going to stop.

ShineYourButtonsWithBrasso · 07/01/2012 15:53

Another vote that he won't do it.

AnnieLobeseder · 07/01/2012 15:55

Well that's his problem and his decision, isn't it? Don't fall for that crap. Has the man so little pride that he'd want to entrap you even when you obviously don't want him? How sad. I would echo speaking to Women's Aid, I bet they've heard this a million times before....

tooearlymustdache · 07/01/2012 15:56

he won't do it

he's putting all the blame on your relationship not working, onto you.

stay strong and make a better life for you and your DD

BitchyHen · 07/01/2012 15:59

My x did this too. He left me and then threatened suicide when I wouldn't take him back, It's an empty threat.

SarahStratton · 07/01/2012 16:03

Yup, I had that one thrown at me too.

I told him I didn't care, and that his life insurance wouldn't be invalidated. By that stage I'd heard it so many times I sometimes wished hed actually get on with it plus Id have the money that I knew he was just being dramatic.

He won't do it, they never do. It's a last gasp effort at still maintaining control over you.

Original poster
mamaLou13 · 07/01/2012 16:33

Thank you for all you comments. Its so difficult though because he has not got anywhere to go his mother's house is overcroweded as it is (as she has his brother and child there who have recently separated from his partner) and he doesn't have friends who he can stay with so where would he go. All our money is in a joint account (obviously i would just split that) but he will not cooperate and makes me feel guilty for leaving dd without a permenant father at home...!! oh i don't know there's just so much to think about etc and i don't know where to start.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 07/01/2012 16:48

Call Woman's Aid. Call the CAB and call Respect to ask them what THEY think of his (empty) threats to harm himself.

Respect is set up for perpetrators, but seeing as these kinds of 'people' don't think they are wrong, the wonderful people on the phones are not overly busy... but they do know INSIDE OUT all of the tricks, games and techniques that these bullies use. They can help you see how this is so boringly typical, that you won't react to it.

Stop worrying about him. He's not worrying about YOU...

mamas12 · 07/01/2012 16:51

Start by doing what I did and go to your gp and tell them there, then phone womens aid and they will soooo be a good listener and have so much advice for whatever scenario you might want to think up and tlak through.
rl help is what you need now not his emotional blackmail.
good luck you are doing the right thing.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 07/01/2012 18:35

His accommodation issues are his problem to sort out. Not yours. He is an adult; he can sort his own self out.

No, he won't cooperate. You can stop waiting for his cooperation and take the action YOU need for YOURself.

It's your choice whether to accept the guilt he's trying to hand you or not.

AnnieLobeseder · 07/01/2012 19:45

Stop worrying about him. He's not worrying about YOU...

Wise words from Houdini. Make this your new mantra.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/01/2012 20:02

How about you tell him that you'll kill yourself if you DON'T separate?

Because frankly, after a while, you'll probably want to, and your life is worth at least as much as his.