No longer trust ex H over access visits...not sure if I'm overreacting.

[msshapelybottom]

long story short, exH and I have been separated 3 years but he only moved out in Nov last year. We have agreed access with the kids to be every other weekend which worked well until Christmas.

Bit of back story: he had a drinking problem which I believe he has now stopped and we have tried to build some kind of friendship for the sake of the kids.

In the summer he took the kids on holiday for 10 days and I didn't find out till they returned that he had taken the kids to stay with his girlfriend for 4 days. (I didn't even know he was in a relationship, she was described as a friend when she bought birthday presents for dd last year which was the first I knew of her).

When this happened I was pretty understanding, but I told him I was annoyed at not being told beforehand as I would have liked to prepare the kids and make sure they were ok with being introduced to a new partner.

The kids stayed with him on Christmas Eve and came back early on Christmas day - it transpired that his gf had been there as well so they had all spent Christmas morning together. (she lives abroad so it's not as if she can make a surprise visit).

I feel as though he has lied by omission and my trust in him is gone. This is difficult as we are living far from family and I rely on him to help with the kids. I am worried about the kids staying with him now, if he will lie about this then what else? I also feel that I have to be the "sensible" parent because he just does whatever he wants without thinking about anyone else.

I am happy to be told that I'm blowing this out of proportion, but I just don't know how to cope with handing the kids over to a man I actually don't trust any more. How do other lone parents cope? I would never stop him seeing them but do I have to accept that he has no basic courtesy for me at all?

Long & jumbled sorry. I never expected that he would still be able to rattle me after all of this time.

Do you have any other reason to distrust him?
Whilst it would have been polite and mature to discuss the fact that his gf would be there, he is not obliged to tell you that.

I think you are over reacting. Theres no other reason to not trust him?

Thing is, you can't dictate who he introduces to the dc. He did it, his time with them, his choice

I know, it's really none of my business really...my head's in such a jumble.

He has a history of not being especially honest about things whilst we were married but I thought we had gotten past that. He has pushed for this "friendship" between us for the sake of the kids, but to my mind friends would be honest with each other, you know?

How do I move on? Why is he still affecting me like this?

You are overreacting

If you have told him or are going to tell him about your new any/potential new bf before the event YANBU

if however you are not going to tell him about any potential/new bf and believe that as an ex he has no reason to know about your private life then YABU.

The thing is, I suppose I am jealous of the fact that he has the money & time to have a relationship. I am here with the kids most of the time and am too broke sometimes to even go for a coffee anywhere.

The more I type the more unhinged I sound...I feel sometimes that he threw away our marriage and I'm struggling with my life as a lone parent and he just gets to walk away with start a whole new life whilst I bring up his kids and put mine on hold. (I know this is irrational, but deep down I do feel like this sometimes)

He is their Dad, no longer your partner therefore he no longer needs to tell you things. In my case I find it easier to know very little about ex - he chose not to communicate with me, I know the kids love him & want to see him & I leave it at that. Don't even know his address - bit of a shock when I saw it on some info from dd1's secondary school!! Occasionally the girls tell me something about his life but I tend to just ask did they have a nice time & what did they do.

Boney, I don't have a problem with him having a gf, but I suppose I thought he might let me know beforehand if the kids would meet her.

RedHelenB, that sounds healthy...it's just that he wanted us to be "friends" went on and on about how we had to be fair for the sake of the kids and be open and honest...my expectations are different I suppose.

How do I stop myself from feeling like my ex & gf are moving in on my kids?

What if they like her more? They have money and shower the kids with gifts...he takes them to the pictures and McDonalds and they always have a blast with him. I struggle with affording petrol to take them to school some weeks.

I'm shocked by how unreasonable and bitter I sound actually.

(thanks for the replies, it's helping me to think about this differently.

msshapelybottom its not about him having a gf its more about would you tell him before your children met a new bf of yours or would he find out through the children.

Think YABU, as he is not obliged to tell you or to get your ok to have a new relationship or introduce her to the kids. Afraid you will just have to accept and trust his judgement (as presumably you do since he has been seeing the kids regularly!).
I think it is admirable that you are being so honest about your feelings and fears, though.

You say *The thing is, I suppose I am jealous of the fact that he has the money & time to have a relationship. I am here with the kids most of the time and am too broke sometimes to even go for a coffee anywhere.

The more I type the more unhinged I sound...I feel sometimes that he threw away our marriage and I'm struggling with my life as a lone parent and he just gets to walk away with start a whole new life whilst I bring up his kids and put mine on hold. (I know this is irrational, but deep down I do feel like this sometimes)

I have not been in this situation yet but I like to think I would tell him before the kids met anyone because that would mean things were pretty serious.

I have realised this isn't about the gf per se, but more about my insecurities as a parent - he now has a ready made family but doesn't have any of the stress/worry that I have just now - what if the kids prefer being with him & gf?

Yabu. None of your business.

Your bringing up your kids. If you've chosen that you'll be the resident parent and he will be the non resident parent, then of course you take on more of the child-rearing responsibility. To feel resentful and jealous about that is pcounter-productive and you need to find a way to work through those feelings because they'll just eat you up otherwise.

oops - hit 'post' too soon - what i meant to add was this -

you understandably feel a bit of jealousy about his freedom and you feel the burden of responsibility with the kids - but on the other hand, he must feel a bit bereft and lonely, to have gone from his family to being a single man with sometime access to his kids, and feeling full of regret for the stupid choices he's made. You just might be the lucky one here.

You aren't unreasonable at all - all of these feelings are perfectly natural and normal and reasonable. It's where you express them and how you deal with them that matter

I, like you. struggle financially whilst daddy gets to buy expensive presents and buy take aways every time he sees them.
But at the end of the day YOU are mummy and the rock that they will cling to. She may be fun time weekend entertainer, but the bond you have with the babies you gave birth to can't be broken by any other woman - no matter how many presents she gives them.

What works for me is having minimal contact with my ex - he would quite like to be 'friends' but it would be completely false on my part and is all about him easing his conscience. So I don't want to know about their house plans, or her job plans, or the baby plans or the sexual difficulties (yeah - honestly - he asked me for advice on that one ) I text the kids when they are away and alway tell them I hope they're having fun etc. That actually helps me to remember that it IS about them having a good time.

We have some quite complex issues around exs contact which have involved SS and police so I kinda get the trust thing. You just have to take a leap of faith I suppose. I know that exs OW has an alcoholic father who still drinks heavily and I worry about my kids being exposed to that.
That's all a bit rambly - multi tasking here but what you are feeling is natural - it's how you move on from it that's important. I was able to access womens Aid for counselling and that has, and is, really helping me to separate my feelings about him (and her) from the well being of the kids. Might be worth looking into something like that?

YABU to beat yourself up. Your emotions are completely normal and in having them YANBU.

My two DS's love going to DaddyX's house. The thing is he's not a full time or even part time parent really. He's like an Uncle who takes them out for treat days every other week.

If given the choice do you want to stay home and do your homework with mummy or go out with daddy (eat junk and go to the zoo/ theme park/ shops to buy plastic tat) of course they'd choose daddy. When they wake in the night, are unwell, are proud of their latest achievement I hear first. Its my opinion and approval they seek and value. Its me they tell about the tooth fairy visiting and their crazy plans for when they're big.

Don't undervalue yourself and all the stability and wonderful things you have to offer.

Do you remember to take you time - so that you are not just a mummy? Do you do things for you when they are out? I know that its hard to fully relax on days when they aren't home but the ironing really can wait and via the likes of Groupon there are some good deals on days at spas and meals out that you could maybe share with friends to help you live for you as well as them and keep a sense of balance.

hairy, you are quite right, they are my kids, I know that. But sometimes the responsibility is overwhelming and I am so tired of having to be the strong one. It's been like this for years now.

brdgrl, yes, I suppose he might be suffering and in no way do I want my old life back, it's just so exhausting sometimes. I've been rational and "fair" for the past 3 years and now I just seem to be bubbling up with all of these feelings I didn't expect.

Sapphire, thank you for the kind words, I really hope that you are right. I'm afraid he and gf might try to take the kids away even though I have no reason to suspect that. If he had just been open about things I would have been fine.

Counselling would help no doubt - I shall look into that. I'm glad that you are able to move on, it's terrible being stuck feeling like this.

ANTagony, cross post! Thank you. I don't think I value myself at all really! But yes, I hope that I am that safety net for the kids.

I am learning to enjoy the weekends when the kids are away - it's so peaceful :)

Don't feel that you have to force yourself into being friends with him. There is a middle ground between that and animosity and it sounds like it would be better for you. He may push for it but that doesn't mean you have to be comfortable with it, or that it's wrong you don't want it. I have a nice chat every now and again with my exH and apart from that it's all talk about the kids and logistics. A kind of detached civility. I much prefer that.

PS... mumsnet was my counselling. Kept me sane through the darkest and loneliest moments. 4.5 years on I'm remarried with a nearly 1yr old dd to add to the 8yr old ASD DS and 5 yr old DS.

I thought with such a behaviourally challenged child my life was to be dedicated to looking after the kids but through lots of support on here I tried a bit of light hearted online dating - just to get out the house really, met a lovely man and 3 months later got engaged and the rest is the start of life moving forwards.

ISayHolmes (love the name!!) Yes, I like the sound of that - detached civility :) I think, after all the hurts and everything that it's too much to expect a friendship out of it!

ANT, it's lovely to hear that things have moved on in such a happy way for you :) Gives me hope that this won't always be about hard slog and being strong!!

I've cried typing all of this - I really didn't realise how deep these feelings went. Before I was just pissed off!

I completely understand how you feel - I have been there albeit ten years ago. You are clearly devastated and struggling financially and emotionally and this is how anyone would feel in your situation. You are the DCs' mother and nothing can alter that. They may have a good time going to McDs etc with their father but the children can have a good time with you at home, watching a cartoon, playing a game, having a story read to them. That they retain good relationships with both of you is vital. Those relationships can both be good but they will be different. It is hard if you feel you the one dumped with the school stuff, the day to day mundane treadmill.

It is not so in every case but men seem to have far more of a capacity to move on and find someone else. You cannot stop this. It is far better for your DCs to have a good relationship with your ex and his gf, and have a good time with them. Your ex has moved on to someone else, is loved up and financially secure and you are exhausted and broke. Do you have some kind of financial settlement? Have you been to a lawyer? Are you working?

Am not suggesting you are doing this, I am "speaking" generally, but it is damaging for anyone to badmouth an ex to DCs - it will make them feel torn, and even more uncertain about the situation than they may do now. What children usually want is for a family to stay together but if is is split, it is incumbent on the adults to make the best of what may be a monumentally difficult situation. I would try so hard to remain composed and have a smile on my face in front of the children but would go to pieces when they had gone to bed.

You won't feel better today or tomorrow but one day you will. The length of time it takes varies from one person to another, someone else's experience may be very, very different. Take care of yourself. Give yourself a treat - it can be very, very cheap - a warm bath with tea lights round the edge, favourite DVD, whatever floats your boat. You could also write down your feelings however dark they are, then tear up the paper and chuck it away. Those feelings needn't last forever. If you are anywhere near Edinburgh and need to vent to someone, PM me.

I know exactly how you feel. When Dickhead left me for the OW in Sept, I said 'Please don't introduce the kids to her until after Christmas,' so they could get used to the new situation gradually. They met her on New Year's day. He didn't tell me and I was crushed when the kids told me they'd gone out for a meal with her. But what can I do or say? He'd done exactly as I'd asked. I just hate that they have to have a relationship with this OW, but if they are going to continue seeing their dad, which is really important for them, the OW is going to have to be part of the deal.

Of course you hate it, but he doesn't have to tell you. He can do the preparing them bit, I'm afraid. (((hugs)))

ThompsonTwins (:)) thank you for such a thoughtful reply. I know the most important thing is for me and ex to make this as easy for the kids as possible, and I'm trying really hard to keep things normal for them at home. I don't badmouth him to the kids, but I will admit that I have somtimes cried in front of them. Not in a dramatic way, I just tell them I'm feeling sad and that tears are a way of feeling better.

No solicitor yet, we have made all arrangements between ourselves up till now, but I think it would help me to have something in writing that I know we both have to stick to. He has been very good about paying maintainence, but there is only so far it will stretch!

No, I'm not working. I was a SAHM when we were married and always planned to go back to work when they were at school (which they are now!) - my youngest 2 finish at 1:20pm, and I am at a loss as to how I am going to work and pay for afterschool care as well as the bills and such. It feels like a huge hurdle. (as an aside, ex's career is absolutely going from strength to strength on the back of me being here with the kids, which is another thing I feel acutely).

Your post has helped me to realise that he has moved on. I don't think that had sunk in before. In a way it hurts to know absolutely that he will probably be a much better partner now than he was with me since he no longer drinks. It feels like I have suffered all of this crap so that she can get the benefit! (I know it's irrational).

I can see from writing all of this that I need to forget about what he is doing from now on. He's got a new life now. I will go stone mad from thinking about it.

EllenJane, I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time - it must all still feel very raw f& painful or you. I admire that you have been able to accept your situation with a bit more dignity than me!

I have realised that it's the feeling of being left behind, like I am soiled goods, that he didn't love me enough, that makes it harder to come to terms with him finding someone new.

I have not been sleeping well since Christmas, I feel like I have been hurting about this for so long that I just can't deal with any more. But of course I can, I just have to get past this...