No longer trust ex H over access visits...not sure if I'm overreacting.

[msshapelybottom]

long story short, exH and I have been separated 3 years but he only moved out in Nov last year. We have agreed access with the kids to be every other weekend which worked well until Christmas.

Bit of back story: he had a drinking problem which I believe he has now stopped and we have tried to build some kind of friendship for the sake of the kids.

In the summer he took the kids on holiday for 10 days and I didn't find out till they returned that he had taken the kids to stay with his girlfriend for 4 days. (I didn't even know he was in a relationship, she was described as a friend when she bought birthday presents for dd last year which was the first I knew of her).

When this happened I was pretty understanding, but I told him I was annoyed at not being told beforehand as I would have liked to prepare the kids and make sure they were ok with being introduced to a new partner.

The kids stayed with him on Christmas Eve and came back early on Christmas day - it transpired that his gf had been there as well so they had all spent Christmas morning together. (she lives abroad so it's not as if she can make a surprise visit).

I feel as though he has lied by omission and my trust in him is gone. This is difficult as we are living far from family and I rely on him to help with the kids. I am worried about the kids staying with him now, if he will lie about this then what else? I also feel that I have to be the "sensible" parent because he just does whatever he wants without thinking about anyone else.

I am happy to be told that I'm blowing this out of proportion, but I just don't know how to cope with handing the kids over to a man I actually don't trust any more. How do other lone parents cope? I would never stop him seeing them but do I have to accept that he has no basic courtesy for me at all?

Long & jumbled sorry. I never expected that he would still be able to rattle me after all of this time.

It's OK to have sad and angry feelings, acknowledge them to yourself and don't feel guilty about having them. How you act is what's important. As long as you can appear calm, polite and civil but distant with XP, you will feel better and it will be best for DC.
Also, remember that when the kids are with him, that's your free time, to indulge yourself.

I tooo know how you feel and while ex-H has not introduced our kids to anyone (I think) he has moved on and is dating and is flourishing at work while my career is stagnating under the pressure of child care, school, dealing with a child with ASD, School committees, activities etc.
For my own sake, I have decided that doing the 'friends' thing is not workable. My ex saw it as a weakness and continued to be bullying and manipulative (I thought that since he had left he would now try to be respectful ???).
I also think that Christmas is a particularly difficult time and brings things to the surface that can be glossed over at the rest of the year. So if you are still hurting and recognise that you have to get pst this then get some help to do that. I found counselling great.....

get past this

SGB, thank you, I'm surprised about how I feel as it's come out of nowhere...I will just ride it out till I feel better. And absolutely to the free time, I am learning to love it!

Wannabe, that's a good point about Christmas-time, it really does seem to be a time over reflection doesn't it? I'm glad you have found counselling helpful, I will look into it.

Feeling bit better today, the kids and I went grocery shopping and they were amazing, helping me and listening when I gave them instructions!! One day at a time eh?

ThomsonTwins, meant to say, thank you for the offer of an ear, I'm actually in Ireland although I'm Scottish...:)