When does sexy e-mailing with old flame get too much?

[MinkyWhale]

A VERY long time ago, over 20 years, I ended a five year relationship. So we were young, gone through college together, he had then been sent to work in Australia. We actually split up when I had gone to stay with him, things were ropey and I fell hook line etc for someone else. He was devastated. I left him v quickly, moved back home and married. End of.
My marriage ended 5 years ago, I have one child and other casual relationships. Nothing serious.
Out the blue, he has got in touch by e-mail (he was moving jobs and going through old addresses apparently); he's married. This started last month and is now fast and furious and highly explicit in terms of general chat and memories. Today was very specific about one sexual encounter.
The simple fact is we will not be meeting given the distance. I have no ties, he does - do I just let it play out (it may lose novelty value soon...) or is it my obligation to worry about his morals?

He's married, tell him to save his sexy talk for his wife.

Well he's married so in answer to your question---the first email is too much.

I'd back off if I were you. It might provide a bit of an ego boost but he's not available and it's unlikely to end well.
Imagine how you'd feel if it was your other half sharing explicit emails with another woman.
It's not your job to worry about his morals, just your own.

sorry, re-read my post and it came across as arsey, it wasn't meant to be. I just think you'd be wasting your time at best, and possible end up being dragged into a shitstorm at worst.

While it is definately his job to worry about his marriage, I would gently back off (don't respond to the "sexy" bits) - all you're getting from it is a trip down memory lane and maybe an ego boost right? Not really worth it.

You've had the same e-mail address for 20 years?

Not your job to worry about his morals but I would leave him to work through his mid-life crisis with his wife.

You've had the same e-mail address for 20 years? confused

i have as well

"Please help. I don't know what to do. I have just (innocently) come across a series of emails between my DH and one of his ex girlfriends. He has talked of her before and I know they were in a serious relationship, but that was 20 years ago! Anway, it seems that DH contacted her about a month ago - on the premise that he was moving and going through old addresses (utter rubbish). And since then the emails have become really explicit. Reliving previous experiences they had shared.

"I don't know what to do. I can barely breathe. Am I not enough for him? I thought our sex life was great. We have 2 children and I admit I have put on a little weight over the years. Now it feels like I am just not good enough for him and this has got to be all my fault. Oh God, what am I going to do? Should I confront him? It feels like he has ripped my heart out. This woman knows he is married - why is she still in contact with him? Should I email her to tell her I know and get her to back the fuck off? Please help MNers"

How often do you see threads like this on here? Put yourself in this man's wife's shoes just for a few minutes and ask yourself how you would feel if you know she read the email conversations between the 2 of you.

All you are is cyber wank material for him. Sorry.

I had this last year. A guy I briefly dated about 13 years ago added me on facebook. It was quite funny, because I had to ask him who he was . He remembered all sorts of stuff about me, loads of details, and the only thing I could say was 'errrr.....did you have a beard?'

It transpired he got in contact because he thought he'd treated me rather badly when ending our relationship, saying he didn't want anything serious and wanted to 'play the field'. He felt like he needed to apologise. Told me he'd made a huge mistake back then and he'd even tried to find me the next year but I'd moved and changed phone numbers.

And then started in with all the reminiscing about sexual stuff, how great it was, blah blah... so I did say 'and how does your wife feel about you chatting about this?' He backed off a bit, but it was clear he was really getting off on the conversation. (I wasn't, told DH and had a giggle about how unmemorable this guy must have been).

Deleted him off facebook and blocked him when he tried to add me again. While a bit of an ego boost, I'm just not interested in being 'that woman' that his wife discovers and starts sending nasty 'get away from my hubby' type messages too.

coppertop - not same e-mail address but I am scary proof that you are easily trackable via work addresses over about 4 countries over that long and with a little knowledge and determination. Thank god he's not a stalker (I don't think...).

Eek! He sounds very determined, doesn't he? Much more than just coming across an old address and trying it out on the off-chance that you might still use it.

Loosyloo - I was just thinking back to twenty years ago and my sadly lacking techological abilities. I don't think anyone I knew even had an e-mail address back then. Even when I temped in offices they were mainly relying on phones and fax machines. I'm impressed that you still have the same one.

I had exactly the same situation when I was single a few years ago. My ex was married with two children.

Once he wrote something explicit to me, I sent something back along the lines that he is married and should be concentrating on his wife, and never contacted him again.

Yank: While a bit of an ego boost, I'm just not interested in being 'that woman' that his wife discovers and starts sending nasty 'get away from my hubby' type messages too.

Bugger.

I had a friend of my younger brother add me on FB and after the initial chat he started on about how he had always had a crush on me. I was a little drunk flattered and let him tell me how sexy and what a MILF (WTF) I am and then when he got a bit too much I told him to go and tell his wife how sexy she is instead of me!
His reply? "NO she's not sexy at all - she's really fat, and she never wants to have sex anymore" - poor cow was 8 months pregnant.
Straight away he was deleted and blocked.

You should do the same.

he's married. If he won't stop then change your email address and don't give him the new one.

Pull yourself together love. Explicit emails or text messages are banal as fuck for a start - if you're that in need of an ego boost then maybe you have other issues to worry about? - but despite being banal as fuck can cause a great deal of anguish and worry to a woman who probably believes her husband loves her, and is happy with their marriage and sex life.

Stop this, and go out and get a real shag, in person, not over the internet.

Just realised I answered that more in AIBU tone than a 'relationships' tone

Not meant unkindly btw.

Ah, was just about to post and saw that Scarlett has said it all for me, most eloquently .

Minky

No-one ever thought of his wife in all this chat. You are not blameless here either.

She is also bound to find out eventually and it will not end well for you.

You have a choice here; you do not have to respond to him at all let alone in kind. You are allowing yourself to be used by this creep. Do yourself a favour and block any future communications with him.

An ego boost? What, being someone's el cheapo wank fodder?

Really?!

Did you read properly that very good post by Rindercella, OP? If not, read it now.

Sounds like you're providing material for the wank bank or getting him revved up for his wife to get the benefit of your hard work. You know you should stop it, don't you.

Please read the thread I started a few weeks ago on sexting and then you will see how hurtful and destructive this kind of thing can be to a marriage. Please don't be the 'OW' for this man.

Imagine him having a wank in front of the PC whilst he reads your latest 'offering' whilst his wife and children are asleep next door.
then remind yourself that things are already 'too much' and delete him.

I think when I said do I have to worry about his morals, what I saw was a way of putting his actions into perspective for him, stopping the nonsense, but there need be no reason why we can't have future contact - if not in this way.
Its not affecting my sex/love life here, it needn't affect his real world, but provided he can get his head screwed on about the 'sexting', I can't see any reason that we can't have a form of a relationship. Especially from the other side of the world.
And I haven't been 'used'. Given that there has been reciprocity, I don't think he can be the only one at fault. If I go down the above route, the same change in behaviour applies to me even though I am not betraying my long term lover.