Separating after MIL rows

[Brozzer]

The MIL issue has finally come to a head and my dp and I are 'separating temporarily'.

It's incredible to me that a couple can actually split up over the issue of his mother.

Has anyone been there?

I am very sorry to hear this. Is it really about your MIL - or are the arguments about her covering something else up? what does she do that you fight about? I hope you can sort this out. Best wishes

Brozzer, don't know your history, but am that this has happened - she must be appalling to split you up!

Won't she like that though ?

Kind of been there - when ex and I were together we disagreed on the amount of visits mil/fil + bil/sil should have - I thought once a week was sufficient, ex thought they should be round more than that. He left out of the blue 6 months ago and said part of the reason was the way I treated his family and the way I wanted to exclude them from ds life. (Not True!!)
Anyway, even though at the time I thought our problems were over his mother I can see now that actually they were more over him putting them above us (me and ds).
Since he left I have greatly improved my relationship with his parents, we always got on ok but now I count them as friends. They have actually just left, they came round for dinner tonight and I had a really nice evening.
What I am getting at is that even though you think mil is the problem could it be that actually your fight is over something else related to mil???
Taken me a long time to realise it but can see now that me and ds were not his priorities and I can't change that, but I can provide ds with a great relationship with his grandparents/relatives.
Hope you two can sort out your differences - would he go to counselling?

YES DEF. been there.....exactly the same issue...my dh...even wanted her to live with us...we emigrated to australia...and she followed us here...many...many arguments!!!
we are still together...but have been to the brink and back several times because of her.
...if your dh is worth it...stick with him...just dont let the old witch win!!!
good luck

your family is the spous e and children.

i think it takes the matriarche of the family to explain that to younger married people. my nan wisely told me that my family was my husband and my children - and everyone else should be secondary.

think about it - a kid grows up with mum and siblings for 10 -20 - 25 years then you say - scuse me - we are your damily now - and expect it to be instinctive - well i dont necessarily think it is - a good family will explain this to the flown nest child.

not everyone gets it though - and i perfectly understand why -although dont necessarily agree

My future MIL almost managed it; she threw a tantrum when we said we were getting engaged (couldn't cope with her little boy having a life of his own!), I walked out and expected FDH to follow me, but he didn't. Although we're now married (10 years this year) I realised too late that her tantrums over the years have set the pattern. DH puts the ILs feelings above those of the children and I because he's scared of them. So like others, I'm that a MIL can do this but not surprised.

I really hope you and DH can sort things out without interference from his mother.

Custardo, your nan was indeed a wise woman and I will bear her words in mind when mine leave the nest.

As for mils, mine was the same, or rather my exh was the same. He always put her before the children and I and she treated me appaulingly from the day she met me. She wasn't the actual reason that I left ex but her domineering way and his lack of backbone to stand up to her really didn't help.

His 'lack of backbone' seems to sum it all up.

I think when you lose respect for your dp then it's very hard to continue the relationship. It's more about that than his mother.
She's just been a pain in the arse and driven a big wedge between us.
I should have realised at the birth that I was in for trouble when she stuck around hassling to see her grandson even though I'd said no visitors. I was in a bad way and the baby was born with a damaged arm (better now).When I finally relented she brought in her boyfriend with her, a man I'd only met twice. It was always all about her.
There are so many stories.
Even when we had a row and I pointed out all the things she'd done to piss me off, she couldn't in any way accept responsibility or say sorry.
DP hasn't stood up for me as much as I think was necessary. I don't love him any more.

Lost a lot of feeling for him when he announced at hospital that he was naming our first born after his mother without having consulted me. I was high on morphine after crash section and she was grinning in front of me! Mummy's boys, aaaaarrrrgghhh!!!

Brozzer, I do remember now - I'm so sorry it's come to this. I agree that it's not possible to love a spineless man who has seemingly no feeling for the woman he's meant to have chosen to spend his life with.

Do you think there's any chance of a reconciliation?

oh! God Brozzer....Your husband sounds so...SO...much like mine....and yes there are loads of stories which involve his mothers interference....and him letting her.
Exactly like yours....when our son was born...I had stayed in hospital for over a week...very weak...from blood loss...my final day to go home...and I thought ...just wonderful...we will be going home all together...he will bring my older daughter and we can just be together...who should turn up...but her to run us all home...and stay until I asked dh to tell her to go...hrs later...and she was so hurt!!!
There is so much anger in me...with him and her...and i too have come to the point where I dont feel I love him anymore...but feel absolutely trapped...I am in Australia now...If I left...I would be coming back to the uk with nothing...it would be just awful....I am trying hard to stay for the kids...but it is just so unbelievably painful.....I am very interested to hear how you go on....its not easy is it.

On this morning, they were saying that separations are at a high in January, and one of the reasons for them are infact rows over the inlaws.
It must be quite common, maybe we need to have advanced parenting classes for the over 50s.

Lesson one - keep your snout out

In all these stories, the problem isn't really the MIL. It's the DH.

Parents always try to interfere in their kids' lives more than they should. They've forgotten their kid has grown up, which sucks. But the real problem is when their kid doesn't have the guts to say "oi, stop that!".

i can sympatise with you, i split up with dp 6 months ago, at the time it wasnt about his mother, but now looking back she caused masses of problems, and whne we split she said to me, i hope your not splitting because of me, (she even knew she had caused problems)

she didnt like the fact i had a dd when i met dp, and was quite nasty to my dd, she used to sit on dp lap and say who do you love more, (this was directed at my innocent dd who was only 4)_what a cow....

This all steamed from the fact that dp dad
died in year 2000, in a nasty acciedent , and dp hadnt left home he had taken on the roll of his dad in the house, he did everything for her, even took her to hairdressers and waited outside, she couldnt and wouldnt do anything for herself,

She was also very nasty to me when i was pregnant with dd2, said i did it on purpose to get dp away from her etc... And i felt that during this time dp didnt stand up to her enough, (he did a bit but not enough)

There are so many things dp just couldnt break free, he lives with her goes to her house on his break, then after work if we were out for an evening he would phone her at about 10.30, if he stayed with us he would ring her before he went to bed,

I think in the end i just felt so resentful towards him because he wouldnt make the commitment to me and 2 girls, and even though he left me and i was compleatly devasted, i think he probably left because of my lack of feeling for him, but he had actually killed off my feelings for him because of the triangle we were in, because i actullay didnt feel a priority in his life, so i wasnt very loving to him in the end which is why he left, and is now with someone else,

Now i hope his mother lives for a long time, because he wont have a life till she has gone, and i feel better not have the constant competition against her....

Looking back i cant believe how much i put up with, little things annnoy me like if he went away anywhere he would go and see her on way back before coming to see us, the one time he did come to see us first she went mad at him..

Hope this ramble makes sense

NotQuiteSo, you are so so so right. IMHO you have hit the nail on the head.!!! BUT I also think the parents (GRANDPARENTS) are to blame slightly for trying to take the pi&&..! They try and push as much as they can.

Brozzer I feel so sorry for you..this is something which gets to me and at times I do wish I could walk away with dd. Who knows..maybe one day.
Good luck. x

custardo your nan is a God!! what fab advice...Brozzer I hope things sort out for you soon...don't personally have this prob, as inlaws passed on.....but can relate as remember an exbf with an overbearing mother

I'll try and remember your Nan's wise words too. Again not direct experience but with an ex boyfriend who had a horrendously overbearing mother (bit like you Friz?) to the extent that when we visited I wasn't allowed to do anything couldn't even take a cup from the table to sink if she had made drinks for everyone - we'd always spend 3 days there so it was a real chore to go.

He told me during one conversation that if we had problems controlling our childrens behaviour he'd just move his mother in as she was an expert (being a teacher) that was the point I finished the relationship - he couldn't understand why.

Good luck I hope you can get things resolved in a way that puts you and your family first.

h x

yes definitely even with limited contact she still causes problems between us. Ive definitely lost respect fo dp we are constantly trying to repair our relationship. I think the worst thing about it is that you take it personally.I see mil being very supportive and happy for her dd's but with her dp she is never for him or us and so you do take it personally.I could understand if i was a really horrible person but i have male friends who's mothers i really get along with and have said they would love a dil like me. Sometimes i think i should find someones who has a nice mother who appreciates me. Crazy i know as im not married to his mother but in many ways i feel like im having a relationship with her and the only way to end it is leaving dp.

Very nearly been there. Ill tell you my story so maybe you can take bits from it to help you. My DH had a blind spot when having to face his mothers atrocious behaviour. Shes a very beautiful and charismatic woman, and does everything with a smile on her face, but she is a psycho control freak underneath. She turned up at my birth (luckily labour was quick and she arrived 45 mins later), and I was still lying with my legs open. She rushed in, grabbed my baby, and ran out of the room. No asking, no explanation. The <strong>midwife</strong> had to ask her to bring DD back!!!! It went downhill from there, mainly because I told DH how it had upset me, and he kept acting like <span class="italic">I</span> should be more considerate of <span class="italic">her</span> feelings . She came to my house every day after the birth to "help" i.e snatch DD away at any moment, sneer at breastfeeding, and not let me sleep. I think she thought Id never say anything because she thought Im as money-grabbing as her (DH used to be from a wealthy family, but business went bust before I met him, but shes still in the mindset). She kept acting like I should be grateful to her for her interfering. So she thought ID put up with it, but no way. Id rather divorce than put up with that shit for the rest of her life. It took a big blow up, and me truly getting ready to leave the marriage before DH finally took me seriously.

Firstly he told her to stay away for a while, because we were having "relationship problems". I said this would be a good first step, because shes obsessed with appearances at the golf club, and her son divorcing wouldnt look good. SO she did stay away.
Me and DH started to try to build up trust between us again, and it kind of worked with her not around, but I had a lot of built up resentment.
It only started to get really relaxed between me and DH when he came home one day and said hed spoken to his mother about it all for 2 hours! APparentely she was crying and saying sorry, which sounds like shes nice, but I honestly believe shes mainly upset that shes been found out IYSWIM. That Ive blown the whistle on her so to speak. I havent seen her yet. When I do meet up with her (with DH), Im undecided whether just to hig and make up, or lay everything down on the table. I have to say, once bitten, twice shy, so I donT think I`ll ever really be able to trust her again, even if she does alter.

Sakura thats awful. I think i would be tempted to lay it all on the table and judge yourself if you think she means it. I find it hard to trust mil when she is being nice because i know how she can really be. I have built up alot resentment which i feel is destroying our relationship. Because everytime mil upsets me i end up having a go at dp and bringing up everything else shes said or done and how he never stood up for me etc.Ands its only now that he is even though his attempt is feeble. I just really hate him sometimes because hes allowed his mother to rule his life to spoil our special moments and come between us. If my mum couldnt be happy for me then i would be asking her what her problem is-he on the otherhand says he doesnt care.

I can totally sympathise with those with MIL/DH issues...the 2 weeks that my MIL came to stay after DD was born were extremely difficult and I think if it had gone on any longer then it would have put a serious strain on my relationship with DP.

3 days after she arrived and when DD was 10 days old DP told me he was 'sick of seeing you 2 fight over the baby'. This was as a result of me having to ask several times for her to pass the baby to me when she was crying and clearly hungry, am sure MIL would have bf her if she could have. She did what she could to undermine my bf which actually made me even more determined to persevere when I was having problems with engorgement, cracked nipples, etc.

Plenty of other things too which I won't go into but what I wanted to say was that I think DP thought he was being very supportive of me but I really didn't see it that way and have never felt so lonely. I would call my Mum every day while she was here to have a moan and she got so cross about MIL that she offered to talk to DP herself (I said no as am sure that would have just made it worse). Anyway, after MIL left I struggled with myself about whether to confront DP over the whole thing and in the end decided to let it go as I knew he wouldn't see things the way I do. Still feel pretty bitter about it to be honest but am trying to tell myself to be the bigger person, MIL has her own problems to deal with and I think she copes with those by being totally full on with DD. She lives abroad but if she was any closer I could see it becoming a real problem for my relationship with DP.

why do mil's hate us bf? mine had a real problem too

I have no idea mum2sam, especially as my MIL bf DP until he was over 3.

She was totally unsupportive of my bf though, one morning she had 'helpfully' highlighted with a yellow pen a sentence in the Birth to Five book which said that if baby's poo is green it means baby is not getting enough bm. She left book open on that page on the kitchen table and then told me that DD's nappies were green. This combined with constant interrogation of whether I had enough milk and she wanted me to express into bottle so that she could see how much there was...

Mums' I empathise with you all.

I wrote on another lighthearted thread about her but since the birth of my dd her behaviour is eating me up.

She has always been hurtful to me on occassion, mostly pleasant but by god these memories i have of her when she is being snide,insulting and rude.

She has been really bad since I had DC. Do they not remember what it is like to be a new mum?

I agreed to let her stay for a week because her son said she wanted to help me. I said ok.

We have a really small place and she brought her dog with her. I have a cat who had to sleep in our bedroom - I bf dd at night and the cat would jump on me in the dark for affection when i was feeding.

what can i say,,,,she was the guest from hell...underming my dd weight,my weight my breastfeeding.....i do not and will never understand it

This has really put a strain on relationship with dh at times......

I am a mum now and god she better watch her step, I need to protect my dd and myself since I am her mum.

my home...my way....get over it mil...your son is 31 years old

Oh, and get this, when he was my boyfriend I walked in on them and she was washing his feet....i naturally just said 'sorry' and closed the door

weird