Separating after MIL rows

[Brozzer]

The MIL issue has finally come to a head and my dp and I are 'separating temporarily'.

It's incredible to me that a couple can actually split up over the issue of his mother.

Has anyone been there?

Girls I'm with you. I wrote a thread following the very difficult birth of my miracle baby. MIL came 4 weeks later and stayed for 3.5 weeks. All organised against my wishes by dh. My breast milk dried up within days - she'd even barge into my bedroom saying what was I doing to make ds cry. I had to prise him from her to give him breast milk. And worse, my dh promised to get ds back in time for my milk and they deliberately kept him out so he missed my feeds and needed the bottle. She was following me around 24hours and kept poking her head around our bedroom door (ds cot was in our room). One day I just walked out of the room in a quiet huff as she reput on the bib I'd put on ds as obviously I'd cocked that up. DH came racing after me demanding what my problem was. Result after 3 weeks, no milk, ds only sleeping 8 hours a day (she had him in arms constantly), my recovery after csection was really bad and my damaged foot got worse running around after them to point the hospital thought I'd broken it. Marriage, already strained, now all but over.

Out marriage 9 months on has still not recovered.

She was irritating but not bad but since birth of ds she's drunk with a power that's not hers!

I was dreading our trip to hers (she's abroad) for ds's first Christmas (of course). Of course she couldn't walk ds to her friend's house 100 yards away. I was forced to accompany her while she carried DS like a trophy and her first words to her friend was 'thank god her son is around to look after ds'. Bitch.

Enough - I'm on a role.

I realise now that I'm not a priority to dh. It's all about making his long suffering (aka martyr) mum happy. She's even announced she's retiring early to come to the UK and look after ds. NOOOOOOOOOOO. She can't speak english and is frightened of her own shadow. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It's interesting to know that some of you stand up to MILs. I've never had an argument with her as dh would go mad. However, i'm thinking, nothing to loose. I just don't know the protocol on these things.

"she`s drunk with a power thats not hers"

THats such an interesting statement, bubblymummy. It sounds like my MIL. Can you explain exactly what you mean?

When DH and I moved to be close to them when we just got married, I spent a lot of time with her and FIL, inviting them over for dinner, letting her go places with us. To be kind. She lives with her eldest son and DIL (and 2 kids) in a "two generation house" typical of the country DH is from. Her eldest son hates her, and she slags him off to anyone wholl listen. Weird. Dont know why they live together (money, probably)
FIL has a mistress, and when DH found out and told her, she pretended as though it never happened and we`Re all supposed to too

So I am her last "post" , so I couldnt for the life of me understand why she was doing this. " drunk on a power that wasnt hers" would explain a lot, though. She started being weird before baby came, but got much worse after I had DD. Most of all I feel pity for her miserable life. I tried first of all to "kill her with kindness". Let her really get involved and everything, but she kept at it with the snidey comments and controlling behaviour. I thought to myself- "what planet are you on? DOnt you realise that if you lose my favour, you dont really have anywhere else to turn?"

Killing her with kindness did NOT work. You see, she thinks everyone is as manipulative and snidey as her, so she thought I was being nice because I needed her or wanted something. So she thought this gave her MORE power, and she carried on getting worse.

The crunches were this:
1] I have a bad relationship with my mum (shes an alcoholic), and MIL knows this, and instead of showing me kindness because Im in a foreign country, she saw this as being able to wield more power. NOT acceptable in my book. You don`t try to be superior over someone who has no-one and who has just given birth, FFS.

2] It made it a LOT easier to confront her, knowing that her eldest son knows that shes an idiot. Sorry to all of you who have no extra person there to validate what you think about your MIL. I think I may have had to divorce if it wasnT for this, because DH would never have admitted her faults.

3] Like someone else said, I have to look after myself if I want to look after DD. Being bullied is not a good model to show DD. This is what really gave me the strength, I think: the idea that if DD saw me treated like this, she might think it`d be okay to be treated like this herself in the future. NO WAY would I let that happen.

4] Ive always been a firm believer in "YOu only get treated how you let yourself be treated". I dont mean the victim is to blame, but that no-one has the right to belittle us, no matter who they are, and we do have the right to put a stop to it.
I kept repeating this to myself and then I thought "yes, I really don`t have to put up with this shit. I can leave. I always have a choice. I can divorce DH, if he wants to take her side on this.

5] FInally, DH realised how the whole thing was killing our relationship, and had spoke to her.
I havent seen her since. I hope not to for a while. Shes shot herself in the foot because I was happy to let her babysit DD before when she was tiny, but not now, because its all about power. I still feel a bit sorry for her because she`s missing out on DD at the moment, but I can not let things go back the way they were.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now.

bubblemummy, what happened with your breastfeeding is much worse than my MIL grabbing my baby away when I still had my legs open. I`d be furious if my breastmilk dried up because of the stress. Truly unforgivable.

Hi Sakura

Very similar situation. FIL has long time lover and lives with her. MIL prefers to carry on with this situation thus making her more and more of a self styled victim.

I too was her last post and I bent over backwards to please her (at the expense of the needs of my own family). I grew to realise she liked being the victim but I thought if I could just ignore that it was OK. So I too was surprised when she turned to try and bite the hand that feeds her.

But DS is only grandchild on both sides so she's obsessed (she cried very day for the 3.5 weeks she was here)and it's all our job to live her life for her. DH and SIL seem to agree with this!!!

Are you and DH from the same country?

Drunk with power? Gives her something to show off about and it guess it makes her good to feel useful as she thinks she's 'mother of the family' (um, no, you're the mum of, erm, your children only). Power struggle so she can tell her friends how much I need her (yep, like hole in the head).

I sum her up thus she comes in creates chaos, expects you to apologise for it, sort everything out for her and then thank her for it! Frankly I don't have the energy.

I think she knows she did wrong when she was over after the birth. But I still resent her as it's possible ds would have gone off the breat quickly (we both struggled) but thanks to mil and dh I never really got the chance to give it really good go. And I really reallywanted to bf for a year. I lost my respect for them I doubt they can ever do anything to redeem themselves. loose respect for that person, forever - there's no way they can redeem themselves. I won't be particularly rude but I'm far more distant now and she's just sent over sugar filled rusks with the instructions that she fed my DH these. Yes probably the reason he's so overweight and as lost most of his teeth!!!!! I say thank you and then dispose of them as I see fit. She has her job (to have a loving relationship with grandchild) and I have mine (to be responsible for his upbrining).

When he daughter's husband wanted to kick daughter out MIL was naturally upset, I called to see if she was OK and her first screams (they were screams) were do you love my son!!!! Very selfish. Her poor daughter is suffering and her thoughts are only about writing off one child's marriage at the expense of ensuring the other child's marriage is OK. I didn't even bother answering!!!!

MY DH is realising what a manipulative woman she is but he's stuck in the mindset of jumping for her. I, on the other hand, have decided I have very little to loose if my marriage were to break down (my parents at this point agree with me) so I won't be pandering to anyone but my DS in the near future!!!!!

Sakura - you've got it worse honey - you're in a foreign country and they're near. At least mine is overseas.

Shame our DHs are not up to the job of managing relations!

However, do wan't DS to have good relationship with her.

DH is foreign and Im in his country. MIL lives 5 minutes down the road. I havent seen her since this blew up (about a month), but honestly, if I never see her again, itll be too soon. Psychologically, its difficult, knowing shes so close.
But me and DH are house-hunting and we plan to move out of the immediate area when weve saved up for a deposit on a house. One thing is, that I truly and openly welcomed her into my heart, and she took advantage of that kindness, thinking I was like her, and that I had alteriour motives. So even if we are civil to each other again, she must understand what shes lost. I wont be going out of my way for her again, or be suggesting to DH that we pop by like I used to. Ill be doing anything I can not to have to visit her. Once a month should be enough, I think. And maybe when DD is older, I could drop her off for an hour so she can have a relationship with DD, making if very clear that I`m doing her a favour.

One thing Im terrified of, is if I ever did divorce DH, theyd fight for custody and Im not sure of my rights, being a foreigner, so that is a bad situation to be in. On the other hand, DH is really doing his duty at the moment, and has promised hell protect "our little family" and that I won`t have to put up with that kind of thing again. Our marriage seems to be on the mend, as long as she is out of the way. I know he can feel the difference in our relationship too.

But thereS a lot of lost trust that has to be rebuilt between me and DH, and I keep dreading that one day he might turn around and say "Right, enoughs enough. Lets put this behind us now and start letting my mum back into our lives" . But so <span class="italic">far</span> he seems to be keen to rebuild the trust. I have a sneaky suspicion that even hes relieved that he doesn`T have to spend as much time with her. She loads on the guilt and uses him as a confidant of all her personal problems. He feels endlessly sorry for her. So this is giving him a break too, except he can justify it by telling her its me that wants the break.

my dh is the same, but only just starting to support me a bit now after five years of marriage. The only thing i do now is confront mil head on about issues and deal with her myself, i have had tto grow a bckbone for him, why are so many men spineless when it come to their mother

oh my goodness ladies - i am reading your stories with utter horror- and praying sooooooooooo very hard that when my dss bring home their wives/partners i do not turn in to one of these women!

well my dh doesnt really like his mum so thats fab
i dont have a mum but i do have a step mum

this sunday i am going to have a day with my family (dh and ds1 ds2) and visit no mothers might pop in on monday night to see them but not going to stress if i dont
why should i go out visiting all day on mothers day

ps hope im not a MIL from hell in a few years time