Not sure what to do about difficult housemate

[AuntFini]

Firstly, I'm not a mum, my mum suggested I post here for more opinions. It's hard to find a site of students who are actually any use

I'm 23 and in my final year of a degree. I spent last year living abroad so a friend of mine said I could move into a student house with her and her other housemates when I came back. So I only knew 1 of the other 6 girls. Another one (I'll call her Lucy) is on my course as well but I wouldn't say I particularly knew her before because she never really comes to lectures.

This Lucy is the most difficult person I have ever lived with, to the point where I now cannot bear to go back to my house after Christmas holidays.

I can't even properly explain her. Firstly, she is a compulsive liar, but the lies change and I'm not sure whether she knows she's lying or whether she makes herself believe the lies. Can be anything as stupid as telling us all that she never eats breakfast when I know she cooks a massive fry up everyday before anyone wakes up (I go out jogging early and see her), to bigger lies. For example she told me someone had attempted to rape her in the summer. Then in December she broke down crying telling me she was pregnant since she was raped in the summer. I mentioned that she had told us all that he had attempted to rape her, and she said no, she had always said she was raped. (I don't want to sound heartless, my god if she's been raped that's horrific but from living with her I am inclined to disbelieve her, although would never tell her that!!)

The lies continue. She'll tell the other housemates she's been vomiting all day, when I have been in the house and know she isn't. Every few days she'll 'have been up vomiting all night'. When we suggest she go to the doctors because she's being sick she'll suddenly stop mentioning it.

Other types of things she does will be to come in the room and sit down on the floor and start sobbing (no tears!) because she's in pain from another fake illness.

She told us she had broken her arm, but the next day was playing tennis!

She practically never comes to university and always pretends to be ill so she doesn't have to come. She's told us it's because she's scared of speaking in front of other people, but I'm not sure if she genuinely has some sort of social phobia or whether it's that she wants the attention of us thinking she has a social phobia iyswim!

I don't think I'm doing a good job of explaining how odd she is. She's always going on and on about how much sex she has (why would I care?) but I know she doesn't have any, she lives in my house! Which is fine, but why lie? Problems escalate when she gets drunk and she will always make some sort of scene, then leave a note the next day along the lines of 'I'm the worst person ever I am so sorry you never have to see me again, I'll move out'. She stares at everyone, you can see her staring at you out of the corner of your eye but I have to bring myself to ignore it. It unnerves me though.

The thing is that I am not her friend, and I don't like her. But the other people I live with are friends with her, and they are aware that she is odd, but that's it...they just think she's a bit strange. I think she must have some sort of mental health issue because absolutely everything she does is simply bizarre (like filling my bedroom with bags and bags of rubbish). University are starting to question why she never goes in. I do feel sorry for her to some extent and definitely think she needs some help to help her regain a healthy state of mind. I don't really know what to do about it. I've suggested my other housemates take her to the doctors (they mention it to her and she agrees but no one ever helps her make an appointment), and I've even thought about contacting her personal tutor at uni. On the one hand it's not my issue, on the other, from a purely selfish point of view,- she's making my life so stressful, I'm sick of it!

Also my other housemates just ignore everything odd she does. Even if she does annoying or cruel things. We have to ignore. I am tired of ignoring her. She's making my time at university so stressful and I'm sick of all the drama. I go to university 8-8 everyday just so I don't have to see her. I don't think I should have to live like that. Also, if I were acting a bit odd I would hope that my friends would help me out, not just ignore my oddness!

What can I do?

Move out..lofe is too short

I would, so happily, but it's a 12 month contract

Look for somewhere else. She sounds like a pain and she's not going to change. Don't let her spoil this time for you.

Stick some ads up seeing if someone wants to take over the contract..ask about lots. In the meantime just smile and be civil and don't allow yourself to get so irritated. Rise above it, I know easier said than done but try and detach from the stupid behaviour and you will stop feeling so irritated.

She does sound like she has mental health problems but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it. I've lived with some oddbods in my time and it's been hell, I really sympathise. It's nice that you care about her and want to help but seeing as she isn't your friend and her friends have tried and failed to help her I think you should keep out of it. If you can't leave due to the contract them I'm afraid you're going to have to put up with it :( Choose your accommodation more carefully next year!

What kind of contract? If it is with the university, you may be able to ask for a move, because of her unreasonable behaviour and the stress it is causing you. Also look at the details of the contract - it may be for 12 months, but that doesn't always mean they can charge you for the whole rest of the 12 months if you leave early. It could just be a month or two, which is still tricky but better than nothing.

You could try talking to the others and see if you can all agree to try to deal with her, but if they don't find her as stressful as you do, or can't face a confrontation then they may not beprepared to deal with it.

One other thing - if it is university accomodation, they could be persuaded to move her out if you all agree its a problem - I had a similar problem in halls/flats where one very odd flatmate made all our lives a misery. She got moved to another hall partway through the year.

That's true, if I just give up caring then it will be easier. I get so wound up by it! I should just ignore her and live a separate life really. Easier said than done but I will try.

I lived with a girl like this when I was at university. If one of us had done an activity, she was an expert. She had a boyfriend, who, when we were about to meet him, was mysteriously killed in a car accident. He then left her £800,000 in trust for when she was 25. She went on a trip to New York with his father and met Joan Collins who told her she would be stunning if she could only lose 2 stone! (trust me, she wouldn't have been!) Some of the girls in the house found her REALLY irritating and we spent a lot of time discussing how to deal with the problem. In the end, one of us, who was less annoyed than the others, confronted her and she broke down and admitted that she had been lying (it took us 3 years!).

She did get help, this is a mental illness of sorts and unfortunately ended up unable to complete her professional training. I don't know what happened to her; we all lost touch with her, but I do know that with the passage of some 18 years, I feel sorry for her rather than irritated, and wish that we had gently confronted her earlier.

Not sure if this helps

Also, if you haven't already, do talk to your own personal tutor about the problem - they may have some suggestions, and at least they'll be aware that you are stressed because of it.

the personal tutor at the university is not a bad idea btw...

your own pt is an even better one scottish mum!

Munchausens?

I have a cousin with it

Good idea amuminscotland, I should mention it to my pt. My mum told me to do that too but I didn't want to sound pathetic! I wasn't sure if it was really their job to care

It's a private let so unfortunately I cannot ask university to help. I'm not sure how easy it would be to get out of the contract. She keeps threatening to move out though, I just wish she bloody would.

I feel cruel though because she is so odd. It's ok to have mental health difficulties and I don't blame her that really.

I can only imagine how irritated I would get - and probably more so because everyone else seems so laid back about it!

One thing - do you not have locks on your doors? Just thinking you should always lock your to get over the rubbish in your room thing.

I know part of the joy of uni is the learning to live with others, but this seems to be taking it to extremes.

We aren't allowed locks on our doors. I didn't think she had ever been in my room before though, now I think she could go in and out loads. I know she waits outside my room and listens while I'm on the phone though.
Now I know she's been in I thought about getting a lock on, but the landlord comes in and out all the time for house viewings (gah, student housing). But putting rubbish in my room is so odd I'm worried she'd do something more bizarre with my belongings, so maybe I should just fit a lock!

It's funny because she goes on and on about how we can't go in her room, apparently in case we see all her sex toys(!).

How I can't wait to get a real job and a nice flat where I live alone

Your housemate sounds as if she is an emotionally damaged young woman but I don't understand why her problems, real or imagined, are making your life stressful.

How can she fill your room with bags of rubbish? Do you not have a lock on your door? If not, get one installed and use it to stop her ganing access when you are not around - and when you are.

There's no reason why you should feel any sense of responsibility toward her, but it may be a kindness if you seek advice from your own personal tutor as to whether you should approach hers out of general concern for her wellbeing. Hopefully, your tutor will absolve you of this action by taking it on her/himself to do the necessary.

If 'Lucy' approaches you with more sob stories you don't want to know about, simply tell her that you're up to your eyes in preparing for your finals but you hope to catch up with her another time - repeat as necessary until you're celebrating the end of term.

Given that her absences appear to have attracted some attention, it may be that she won't last the course. That in itself may be another melodrama but, again, keep your head down and get on with your studies rather than give her any more attention than basic courtesy demands.

You've only got, what, some 5 months to go before you need never see her again? Use this experience as a learning curve because you will inevitably encounter an assortment of attention seeking types during the course of your life and being able to stay polite and pleasant while resisting their attempts to suck you into their various dramas and misfortunes is a valuable skill to have under your belt.

I think really there's not a lot you can do. I wouldn't be able to ignore the lies TBH, perhaps if more people called her on them she might think about it more but perhaps she can't help herself. I would ignore the attention seeking/fake sickness though.

If any uni staff ask you again about her absence explain that you live with her but aren't close friends, and that you are concerned about her odd behaviour, also do get it off your chest with your own personal tutor.

Get a lock put on your bedroom door, stick a kettle/microwave in there and avoid avoid avoid. Perhaps get a calendar showing what time is left on your contract. Ooh I've just remembered - I once broke a contract and moved out, leaving my 'friend' and her boyfriend in the house (they were both treating me like shit), they had to stump up the rent shortfall. Is this how the room came to be available to you? Had someone else jumped ship? Do speak to lettings agency there may be a way around it.

They're making my life stressful because she lives in my house, although maybe I should care less. But if I'm watching tv in the living room she'll come in and make a scene. I do ignore her, but she still continues. I don't generally even have conversations with her particularly, she just has these dramas around me.

I could keep away from her and just stay in my room, but it's my house too and I feel like I should be able to spend time in the kitchen without putting up with listening to her. Or I will be in my room, she plays her music so loudly that I can't sleep, and if I ask her to turn it down she'll cry.

You're probably right, though. I should just let it wash over me. I'm definitely going to try.

Speak to the LL about the lock. Say you are concerned about the flat mates behaviour, and dread a repeat performance in case she does it again when you are out and he has viewings. Suggest a padlock and he can have one key and you the other?

Good idea thanks Honeydragon I will do that.

Given attention seekers centre stage merely fuels their fire.

If you're watching tv and she starts making a scene turn the volume up or pointedly turn the tv off and leave the room.

If her music disturbs you get a pair of earplugs, or if you ask her to turn it down and she turns on the tears chuck her a box of tissues.

Grit your teeth, paste a pleasant smile on your face, and refuse to be her audience.

Giving not 'given'. Few things are a 'given' in this life except that you will come across certain individuals that you'll find difficult to relate to and it's best to have a strategy in place for this eventuality.

If they refuse to put a lock on your door, I would at least look at having some kind of lockable cupboard or box in your room to put anything valuable (laptop? most important notes? chequebook?) into. I would also be pretty up to date with memory stick backups, insurance etc. You really don't want to be finding that all your dissertation material has disappeared overnight or something.

Thank you all for replying. I think getting it written down has helped, because I can't really talk about it and it makes it worse.

I think I don't like the fact that I can't control her acting oddly, there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just feel like sometimes university is full of strange people! In first yea I lived in halls and my housemates then were all so dirty they never washed up anything. Once they spilled an entire bottle of milk over the floor in before the holidays and left it there... terrible thing to return to after 4 weeks So I got a mini fridge for my room and just lived in there. I think that's why I don't want to have to do anything like that again. (I've just made it sound like all I do is attract strange people, I have had 3 other years of living with housemates who were perfectly normal!)

I think I just need to ignore, ignore, ignore. Be polite but not friendly, separate my life from hers. As izzywhizzy has said, it's only really 5 months to go.

I will talk to the landlord about a lock, or at least get something lockable to keep bank details/dissertation notes in. And I think I will mention it to my tutor.

Thanks so much for listening to me whine, it just helps to know I'm not going mad!!