Not sure what to do about difficult housemate

[AuntFini]

Firstly, I'm not a mum, my mum suggested I post here for more opinions. It's hard to find a site of students who are actually any use

I'm 23 and in my final year of a degree. I spent last year living abroad so a friend of mine said I could move into a student house with her and her other housemates when I came back. So I only knew 1 of the other 6 girls. Another one (I'll call her Lucy) is on my course as well but I wouldn't say I particularly knew her before because she never really comes to lectures.

This Lucy is the most difficult person I have ever lived with, to the point where I now cannot bear to go back to my house after Christmas holidays.

I can't even properly explain her. Firstly, she is a compulsive liar, but the lies change and I'm not sure whether she knows she's lying or whether she makes herself believe the lies. Can be anything as stupid as telling us all that she never eats breakfast when I know she cooks a massive fry up everyday before anyone wakes up (I go out jogging early and see her), to bigger lies. For example she told me someone had attempted to rape her in the summer. Then in December she broke down crying telling me she was pregnant since she was raped in the summer. I mentioned that she had told us all that he had attempted to rape her, and she said no, she had always said she was raped. (I don't want to sound heartless, my god if she's been raped that's horrific but from living with her I am inclined to disbelieve her, although would never tell her that!!)

The lies continue. She'll tell the other housemates she's been vomiting all day, when I have been in the house and know she isn't. Every few days she'll 'have been up vomiting all night'. When we suggest she go to the doctors because she's being sick she'll suddenly stop mentioning it.

Other types of things she does will be to come in the room and sit down on the floor and start sobbing (no tears!) because she's in pain from another fake illness.

She told us she had broken her arm, but the next day was playing tennis!

She practically never comes to university and always pretends to be ill so she doesn't have to come. She's told us it's because she's scared of speaking in front of other people, but I'm not sure if she genuinely has some sort of social phobia or whether it's that she wants the attention of us thinking she has a social phobia iyswim!

I don't think I'm doing a good job of explaining how odd she is. She's always going on and on about how much sex she has (why would I care?) but I know she doesn't have any, she lives in my house! Which is fine, but why lie? Problems escalate when she gets drunk and she will always make some sort of scene, then leave a note the next day along the lines of 'I'm the worst person ever I am so sorry you never have to see me again, I'll move out'. She stares at everyone, you can see her staring at you out of the corner of your eye but I have to bring myself to ignore it. It unnerves me though.

The thing is that I am not her friend, and I don't like her. But the other people I live with are friends with her, and they are aware that she is odd, but that's it...they just think she's a bit strange. I think she must have some sort of mental health issue because absolutely everything she does is simply bizarre (like filling my bedroom with bags and bags of rubbish). University are starting to question why she never goes in. I do feel sorry for her to some extent and definitely think she needs some help to help her regain a healthy state of mind. I don't really know what to do about it. I've suggested my other housemates take her to the doctors (they mention it to her and she agrees but no one ever helps her make an appointment), and I've even thought about contacting her personal tutor at uni. On the one hand it's not my issue, on the other, from a purely selfish point of view,- she's making my life so stressful, I'm sick of it!

Also my other housemates just ignore everything odd she does. Even if she does annoying or cruel things. We have to ignore. I am tired of ignoring her. She's making my time at university so stressful and I'm sick of all the drama. I go to university 8-8 everyday just so I don't have to see her. I don't think I should have to live like that. Also, if I were acting a bit odd I would hope that my friends would help me out, not just ignore my oddness!

What can I do?

She won't be there much longer, there is only so much the uni will take.

Barring ill health and bereavement, there's nothing worse than feeling you can't relax in your own home.

You need to insist on a lock for your room. You could give the landlord a key - it wouldn't matter to him as he could always get in.

I would speak to my personal tutor if I were you. They should be able to contact her personal tutor and maybe something might improve, for her sake, too. She's clearly unhappy and I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't finish the course. Do you know anything about her home life?

Rather than ignoring her, I think I'd speak to her just as you speak to the others, so when she contradicts herself, you pull her up on it, but also be kind to her and casually compliment her when you can.

It'll all be over soon! I hope working in the library for such long hours will bring you a better degree than you might have had - you deserve something good from all this.

If your LL is showing people the rooms with a view to letting them, can you not have a polite chat with him/her to explain your issues and that IF he/she needs to let out YOUR room that you will definitely be interested.

Failing that, can you find anyone that would take over your room, and buy you out of the contract?

5 minutes is too long to spend with this dreadful housemate, ishoos or no ishoos, try to get out.

Good luck with the PT. I know you are in private accommodation, but you never know, something may be possible...

Its horrid when there is someone in your house that is upsetting you - your home is your place of sanctuary where you can recharge and relax but you can't because you are always on tenterhooks about the weirdo in your midst. Also you feel helpless because actually there is pretty much nothing you can do to change another adults behaviour. My advice:

1. Move out. If you can't afford that is there another friend/boyfriends house you feel you can relax in? Retreat there if possible.

1. If you can't do the above you have to train yourself not to care. This is very difficult thinking about it though 1 above is the only actual solution.

I had this in my second year but it was a male housemate, friend of a friend, who was 27 we were all 21. He was Canadian, a huge body builder who with hindsight was almost certainly on steroids or was bi polar. He could be charming then suddenly, usually late at night, would flip and shout and swear and abuse us girls it was terrifying. I spoke to the university who were utterly hopeless. Luckily I had a lovely boyfriend and effectively moved into his flat. Its horrid though you have my sympathies.

Realising that you have every reason to be optimistic about your future after leaving uni while, no matter whether 'she graduates or not, Lucy''s not going to be moving out of her rut anytime soon may help you to rise above the situation.

It sounds as if you've been kinder to her than your other housemates perhaps by giving her more time and attention than they do. It's tempting to think that all she needs is a listening ear and a few kind words but exceptionally needy types can suck the lifeblood out of you very easily without you necessarily being aware of what's happening.

I understand your dread of returning to your digs, but take heart from the fact that the end is in sight and bear in mind that it's ok to be abrupt to the point of rudeness if necessary with anyone who wants you to endlessly engage in listening to their litany of woes instead of getting on with your studies and your life.

A tried and tested tactic when the needy one hoves into view is to act as if they're the person you most want to see in all the world and impart some good news about your day/life before they can get a word in, and then follow through with 'must dash, catch you later'

Don't forget that you can vent here should need arise ... having an outlet for a weekly or daily rant may take some of the pressure off and I, for one, will be interested to know whether 'Lucy' makes it through to finals.

If its your last year, then pretty much you only have to get through one term more. IME, the best way to cope is to regard her as someone in a soap - her dramas have no impact on you, you don't need to do anything about them, so they can just wash over you and you can mentally have a good laugh at the latest.
I think dealing with weird housemates at uni sets you up nicely for dealing with weird colleagues at work - theres always someone who is a drama queen and attention seeking

Auntfini, sounds awful and stressful.

However, one thing intrigues me. How come your other housemates seem oblivious to the extent of her strangeness, and in fact are friends with her.

I lived in a flat share where there was tension between two of the girls. I liked them both, they despised one another. They would tell us different things about each other. I don't think they were lying, I just think they so disliked one another that they always saw the worse in one another, or saw shadows where there really weren't any.

I just think you need to get to the bottom of why you are alone in thinking this is quite so serious.

The temporary lock looks great, I didn't even know they existed.

Bbface, I have probably downplayed how the other housemates feel. I'm not alone in thinking it's serious, and they aren't really oblivious. Like I say, they've told her she needs to go to a doctor etc. I know they find her annoying and stressful but I think they just don't talk to me about it because I'm the newcomer (the one girl I knew before has told me this). I think also they're all so nice that they're incapable of discussing her behind her back. Also, I get the impression that she was always odd but that this year it has for some reason escalated, and because of that their friendship with her was cemented before she was so bizarre, whereas I have just seen her at her worst and can't appreciate that she could be a good friend. I honestly am not making it up, I have no reason to dislike her.

When there's drink involved and she's being strange, they will always say 'oh auntfini I'm so sorry you have to live with lucy, I bet you hate living here' or they'll complain about her. But as I say, otherwise I think they refrain from it because they don't like to be bitchy. Likewise I don't bitch about her to them. I have noticed the one I knew before always leaves the room when Lucy speaks, which she doesn't do with anyone else.

Do you all have separate contracts?

If this young woman is their friend, they are not actually acting like friends to her. She possibly needs medical attention, and they are not doing her a favour threading on eggshells around her. Unless they know something you dont.

I've said that to them quint. If it were me I would want my friends to help. One thing I haven't mentioned which I only recently learnt about it is that one year when they lived with her she refused to go to an exam because she threatened to commit suicide and they didn't tell anybody. I find that very wrong actually. But then, not my business is it.

And we don't have separate contracts, we're all tied together.

If you are all tied together, it makes your situation easier, as you can ask them to find a replacement for your that they would like to live with.

You can easily say it is because you dont like people snooping in your room, you have found rubbish dumped in there, and you simply dont want to live there anymore.

You can even talk to the more sensible of them and tell them that this girl is their friend, so it might be easier for them to put up with her behaviour, but it is different for you. You think she is behaving like a loon, and that she need medical attention, but it is not in your place to say, or suggest, as you are the newcomer. If, however, they were able to take charge of her and persuade her to see a doctor, come with her maybe and tell all, you could consider changing your mind and stay for the remainder of the contract. Otherwise you will be looking for alternative lodging because you are not going to let the behaviour of a stranger ruin your final year of uni.

Are you named on the contract, or is the contract with one of the other tenants? It is often the case that one person will take on the responsibility, and just their name is on the contract. If this is the case then you are able to make your leaving arrangements with this person only, as ethically as you choose!

As an interim measure before your landlord can get the lock sorted, there are temporary locks you can get, often for travelling, that make a really loud noise when disturbed. Often they can be stuck up a bit like window locks. Whilst it might not keep her out it would give her a nasty shock if she goes in in your room and a really loud alarm goes off.

Did she ever give any explanation as to why she filled your room with rubbish bags? Because that's a horrible bullying thing to do to somebody, I'm sure she wouldn't like it if you decided to repay the compliment and put your rubbish in her room.

Could you ask Your friend in the house why this girl seems to hate you so much? Then list out all these different things she has done to make you feel so unwelcome in the house and that are keeping you out of there for so long. I know hate is a strong word for this, but it might make your friend realise that a- the friends behaviour is unreasonable because even if they can dismiss her 'quirks' they have serious repercussions for you and so you don't. And b- say that it is getting to the point that you have to think of yourself because of the knock on effects to your whole life potentially and that as a result of lucy's unreasonable behaviour causing you so much stress, you feel you are being forced out of the flat and if that happens they will have to cover your rent between them. Ok so you know that you might not do it and that you should pay the rent, but dress it up with a bit of legalese citing the bullying and all the strange incidents and it might scare them into talking with her to stop (hopefully none of them are doing law!)

It still might be worth talking to the uni hosing officer - they might be able to offer some advice. Or do something even - you never know until you talk to them.

Finally you need to find a way to deal with Lucy that is 'there and then'. A supersoaker water gun to blast her each time she comes and disrupts you or stares at you etc would be the most satisfying but probably do bad things to your house, belongings and chances of getting your deposit back. So maybe settle for one of those loud cans that make a fog horn noise when you press them. Or one of those old fashioned things that people used to wave round and round to make a noise at footie matches. Or whatever else you can think of. Start doing something back and she might just stop - at the moment she knows that by doing these annoying thins she is able to get the satisfaction of seeing you stop doing whatever you were doing.

Finally start playing Lucy bingo - stick all the annoying things she does on a card and cross them out, just say bingo to her each time she does something on the card. She'll find it very confusing and you can promise yourself a little treat for each full card/row/column/square. Could be just a glass of wine or bar of choc or bubble bath, doesn't have to be big. But it takes the angst out of her actions and gives you the control as you have turned it into a game.

Good luck sorting her out and with your exams.

Ps just turned on and realised that I didnt press send before I fell asleep ridiculously early last night. Sorry if I have repeated anything in the interim but I dont know how too check on my phone without losing my post and I don't want to do that.

I can absolutely understand why this behaviour is stressing you out - I can't imagine why anyone would think it wouldn't.

The last thing you need is to be subjected to odd behaviour in your own home but it is hard to suggest anything practical other than ignore ignore ignore and remember that it will be over soon.

I would second a word with your personal tutor - even if they cannot do anything practically then it is sensible to keep them in the loop.

Hi - I had a friend like this when I was a teenager. I always said that if I did not know better, I would have assumed that she had been abused in some way. For some reason (personality I guess) I seemed to find her harder to deal with than most of our other mutual friends. Now that we are in our 30's she is much milder but still has a lot of the same tendencies to create a drama of which she is the centre and still she has lots of friends (probably more than me) who seem to cope with her. To a certain extent I have had to accept that it is me and I need to learn to let her wash over me a bit. It's hard to know without knowing this girl what is just creating a drama/seeking attention and what is real (wrt suicide threats etc).

With regard to the locks, as a landlord of a student HMO, I would say that we could only find about 4/5 companies willing to provide us with LL insurance. Of those 4/5 roughly half refused to insure us if the students had individual locks on their doors and the other half refused to insure us if they did not. Bizarre but true so it may not be entirely straight forward to simply put a lock on your door (although your LL may be willing to overlook a temporary lock). Also we also tie our students into 12 month contracts (we also let on a joint and several basis, same as your contract I suspect since it is a single contract) because it is very hard to replace students if the let falls through - there really is a once a year letting opportunity as a general rule. However since you are on a single joint contract, you could talk to your fellow housemates and explain how unhappy you are and that you want something to be done about this girl. If you just move out and do not pay your rent, the LL will pursue all of you for the unpaid rent, not just you, so your housemates have incentive to want to keep you happy. On the other hand, if you rock the boat with this girl too much she could do the same and you could get stung for her unpaid rent.

It is far from ideal but with Christmas and Easter hols and your own room, I would be tempted to just keep out of her way as much as possible - copy your friend and leave the room when Lucy starts to speak. And speak to your PT. We've been lucky with our student tenants, most stay for their second and third years and enjoy the experience but at least one lot could not stand the sight of each other by the end of their second year.