Ive been with dh for 17 years. He is hot headed and can be tactless. He is very popular with his friends & my friends. Everyone seems to see him as an all round good guy. However, whenever there is a family event, it always filters back to me that he has offended someone or acted inappropriately. Sometimes I can see he has been out of order, sometimes I am told. The most extreme example is one xmas when my older sister (very opinionated with absolutely no life experience to draw from other than TV) was driving him and my other bil mad, whilst playing trivial pursuit at xmas. She wouldnt let them explain themselves and kept talking over them, shouting them down. In my family we expect everyone to try and reason with her and then just quietly seeth with anger and let it go. Its like talking to a brick wall. He however, in a room full of family and kids, told her to f* off... That went down like a lead balloon. He severely regrets the incident.
This xmas I didnt get my usual phonecall from a sister, mum... telling me what he did to upset someone. We then all met for New Years Day and it didnt go so well. My nephew had a small car accident and my mum answered phone to him and basically went hysterical. My older sister and her DH went down the road to sort it out. My mum is poorly and a big worrier and ran around the house fussing and fretting that nephew only recently passed and is very dsylexic, unconfident and what negative effect will the accident have on him. I tried to reasure her. DH made it clear he thought she was fussing, i.e " mil its only a shunt, no big deal...". She then got in the car to go and check nephew alright and his view of this was clear. It was then just us and younger sis and her dh, i tried to reason with him. I said i know she gets very distressed, ott, but just leave her to it, she will calm down.... He got really angry with me and after said i had humiliated him and was in his face. Rest of the day was a nightmare with mum and older sis only talking about the accident for approx 7 hours! During that time my mum preparing dinner and my 6 year old must have been told by her to stay out of the kitchen as hot oven... I today got told that when family asked what was wrong with him, DH said in a sarcastic voice that my mum had upset him. I can imagine my DH saying that but with the attitude that my son was being a bit of a sulky 6 year old. However, I have also been told in past by family that DH resents anyone tellling DS off, even in the mildest form. I have challenged him and he says that this is not the case. He wants my ds to be well mannered/behaved and wouldn't object.
Sorry so long, its just im so involved its hard to see the wood from the trees. All I hear from friends is what a lovely man he is and my family have such a different view. I think my family expect men not to ever voice an opinion that is contentious, or else they are troublemaking. My older sisters husband daren't voice any opinion on anything and is down trodden but golden son in law. However, I do feel my Dh has respect issues. My parents are very good people and very good to us. He will often say what a wonderful, selfless person my mum is. However, i feel that if she has one of her panicky, fussy episodes, he wont give her an inch. He will make it clear what he thinks. To me, if you respect someone, you give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes. God knows I have kept quiet on enough occassions with his parents. They have earnt your respect so surely you shouldn't be so quick to argue with them. I don't know, Im piggie in the middle. How can they have such a poor opinion of him and I see him so differently. Why cant he sometimes keep the peace, out of love and respect for me? My younger sisters dh sat there quietly, (totally in agreement with DH that my mum was ott) and wouldn't create a scene/issue. Sorry so long, I feel better for writing this all down.