What is a husband's role to you?

[TheEpilator]

DH and I are on the verge of splitting up, certainly temporarily if not for good. He says he cannot give me what I want from a relationship, which I have told him is:

-to feel loved and equal
-to know that I am special to my husband, not just childcare/cook/cleaner, but a wife/friend/partner to him
-support to enable me to succeed as a person in my own right (both emotional and physical help)

• to feel that spending time with me isn't a chore to be fitted in, but actually something important and, dare I say it, pleasant!

that's it really - am I asking too much? I should add that he is a bit ASD and finds all talk of emotions hard work, so I know I'm banging my head against a wall really.

I just need to know if my expectations for a marriage in general are unreasonable, regardless of his personal limitations? If we split up am I likely to find someone else to whom this description of marriage isn't a totally alien concept?

Lottie actually said what I wanted to say but a lot more clearly. It does seem a bit pointless to mould someone into being the person you want them to be, because like you say Epilator, even if he does do what you want you're still questioning whether it's genuine or whether it's just an act to appease you. You're expending a huge amount of energy wishing and hoping for your DH to be different. I'm not really sure it's worth it.

I'd like to turn that around and say, if there is love, it can find a way - especially as he's willing to seek some sort of help. Depending on how much effort you're both willing to put in and how worthwhile the result of course.

I've found the thread really difficult to grasp because it's just not clear if there is anything there at the centre. If you're not sure, this is no surprise but I think you're right to want to find out before abandoning hope. Just be realistic, set your own standards and don't be swayed from your perfectly reasonable expectations. Things can better for you, one way or another.

That's what I'm finding difficult to grasp too! In the drudgery of everyday life I've forgotten what things were like in the beginning but there must have been more than this. Whether we can get that back, or whether his emotional limitations are just too severe, I don't know.

Last night we had a conversation which ended with him saying "but if its something that would make me happy, why can't I do it" and me saying "because it makes me unhappy and in a marriage there has to be compromise. I have agreed that you can do X, but i think Y & Z are a step too far and would affect the way I feel about you and our relationship. If you want to be married to me you have to put what makes me happy on the same level as what makes you happy" and he said "ok I understand that". But does he 'feel' it or just realise it because its been explained to him, I don't know.

I still have a feeling he will do Y & Z anyway and justify it by saying that unless he's happy in himself he can't make me happy