Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Back together with husband. Why do I feel so sad

41 replies

lifeshocker · 05/01/2012 09:29

I am really struggling at the moment. Me and h split up new years day last year. He left me said there was no one else he was just unhappy. Anyway went through a really hard time with kids, we had to move house. I took break up really hard as he was and is the love of my life.
After not speaking at all we eventually made friends and Got back together in the summer. We are now living back together.
I am finding it so hard to let go of the anger I feel towards him for what he has done. I am also consumed with jealously and suspicion that he was seeing someone else when we split.
He has a really close friendship with another female teacher he works with and when we split was convinced he was seeing her. Even when we got back together he was going to her house alone saying he was seeing her and her husband, I found out that her husband wasn't there. When I confronted him he said he lied because of my jealousy.
Since they have been off together over Christmas he has gone to her house a couple of times for a coffee. I said I was ok with it but inside my stomach was churning.
I feel that I am ruining everything with my jealousy and anger. I love my husband so much but feel I am so damaged by everything that has happened. I just need some perspective or advice please. Is this ever going to work out..

OP posts:
Kayano · 05/01/2012 09:32

He is at fault for trying to dismiss your concerns. I would be Hmm too and I am the most trusting person ever

fiventhree · 05/01/2012 09:36

Poor you. I think you are sad because deep down you know he is lying to you about what he has done. My h lied for years too.

When I got a mn thread and then made myself write down all the facts, all my suspicions, all the incidents, his changes in his story over the years, anything I remembered about the way his face or attitude changed when he was really under pressure to confess, and then read it back, it all made sense, and I was able to see what a fool I had been.

tbh, your story looks v suspicious for him.

Original poster
lifeshocker · 05/01/2012 09:40

This is why I need another perspective because I feel it is all in my mind and I am being irrational. He just thinks I am making up problems in my head and ruining things between us.

OP posts:
sternface · 05/01/2012 09:47

Okay this is what I think has happened.

I think he was having a full affair when he left you and that he and OW had made plans to be together. But she didn't end up leaving her husband, leaving yours high and dry.

So he wheedled his way back into your affections, but at some point the affair resumed again and they've settled for having an affair and staying in their marriages, for now.

He is taking the piss and worst still, blaming you for 'jealousy' when he lies to you, as he did when he said her husband was there.

You are not irrational and you are not imagining things. He lied to you when he left and he's lying still.

Call their bluff, they are both complete and utter shits.

Original poster
lifeshocker · 05/01/2012 09:50

I have had exactly those thoughts but then I think how could he be so evil. I had picked myself up off the floor and got my life back together. How could any person with any grain of conscience do that to someone else.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/01/2012 09:52

He says you are ruining things?? Is he for real? He left you, no real explanation, forcing you to move house with the children. He didn't speak to you, presumably for months, while you were left feeling broken and abandoned. Then he decides you are good enough for him after all, clicks his fingers, and whoosh you're back together. You, understandably are very hurt but rather than acknowledging that and the very legitimate fears you have that he has been cheating on you, he tells you that you are too jealous and you are the problem. Rather than trying to make you feel better and repair the massive hurt he has caused he is carrying on seeing someone you are not comfortable with, and lying about it, then blaming his lies on you. He's taking zero responsibility for what's happened and he's leaving you feeling jealous and angry. Step outside your situation for the moment and try to see it for how it is rather than how you wish it could be. Do you think your husband's actions are those of someone who really loves you? To me it sounds like he knows you'll come running whatever he does and he has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. I'm wondering why you got back together with him and why you want to stay with him now to be honest.

Punkatheart · 05/01/2012 09:56

So sorry lifeshocker. It's all I dream about, for him to come home (my OH - obviously not yours - as I don't know him)

No one except the people involved know if there has been an affair. But the feelings will eat you up. Have you considered working through it with a crisis counsellor? It would be such a shame to let something go, if he truly is the love of your life. But you need closure one way or the other.

Good luck and so sorry you are feeling so bad.

Hassled · 05/01/2012 09:59

What Cailin said.

And even if the colleague really is just a friend and he's blameless (unlikely, but possible), given what happened with the split etc it is completely reasonable for you to be a bit twitchy about it. He should be able to see that, to acknowledge that you have valid concerns and to reassure you, rather than criticise.

You don't trust him, and why should you? He has to earn your trust back and if he won't try then I think you're really going to struggle here.

sternface · 05/01/2012 10:04

Conscience often flies out of the window when people are having an affair. At its root, infidelity is about selfishness and as long as this wretched man has got you on the backburner, his home comforts and his assets back, your feelings won't matter. Don't judge him by your values either and believe for one minute that he's incapable of being this cruel and conniving.

Don't go to a counsellor. There is nothing wrong with you. Just get the evidence if you need it and box a bit clever here. Get angry at the deceit that has been carried out, but use that anger to blow the lid off their affair.

Geordieminx · 05/01/2012 10:06

If you can't trust him then I don't think you can have a relationship.

Your suspicions will eat you up, destroying you. You will always have those thoughts.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to take control of this, stand up and be the one in charge. Tell him what you want, and if he cannot comply then he needs to move out.

At the moment he has got you right where he wants you, and while you are in the position he is going to continue to walk all over you.

So sorry you are your dc's are going through this. He sounds like a complete shit.

Original poster
lifeshocker · 05/01/2012 10:07

So listen to the voice in my head and try to gather some evidence is that what you would advice?

OP posts:
sternface · 05/01/2012 10:09

Yes, that is exactly what I would advise.

You are not paranoid, ill or irrational. You are however the victim of an elaborate deceit, as no doubt is this woman's husband.

CailinDana · 05/01/2012 10:19

Start standing up for yourself is what I would advise.

PostBellumBugsy · 05/01/2012 10:22

lifeshocker, I don't believe he is serious about wanting you both to be together, if he is still seeing the other woman. I think he is trying to keep all his options open. That was the absolute deal-breaker for me with my now ex-H. I went to counselling & was prepared to put his affair behind us, on the condition that he had no further contact with the OW. He would not agree, so after a year of giving him every opportunity to commit to me, I started divorce proceedings.
You have every right to take a determined stance here. Take control, don't be afraid - you have already made it through a tough year. You are strong & capable. Be very clear with him about what is acceptable to you & what you want.

Punkatheart · 05/01/2012 10:24

Going to a counsellor does not mean there is anything wrong with the OP. It is a chance to sound off with someone other than the OH. It may unpick the truth - so that our OP can feel better about herself and yes, as Callin says - it may help her to stand up for herself, find her own future.

How on earth can any of us conclude that there has been an affair? He is clearly not going to admit things anyway, if there has.....and running around collecting evidence is going to make her feel distressed and more alone.

CailinDana · 05/01/2012 10:27

I agree with you Punk. It doesn't really matter whether he's been having an affair or not, he's treating the OP horribly and that is reason enough to end the marriage.

sternface · 05/01/2012 10:28

No it's not.

It's going to give the OP her feelings of sanity back and allow her to make decisions based on the truth.

Original poster
lifeshocker · 05/01/2012 10:31

Thanks for all your replies. I have rl friends but just can't talk about this to them when people in the real world think we are happy

OP posts:
sternface · 05/01/2012 10:37

Your friends must know what happened before though, don't they? You might find that they have had their own longstanding suspicions about your H, but didn't want to burst your bubble. They could be a great support now and no good friend would say 'I told you so' but they would give you some much-needed RL validation.

Has he really admitted nothing in all this time?

Original poster
lifeshocker · 05/01/2012 10:44

No he just says she is a really good friend although I am never invited when they meet.

OP posts:
sternface · 05/01/2012 10:45

Incidentally, I think going to a counsellor would be a great idea once the truth is out there, but what I meant was the last thing you need right now is someone helping you to 'overcome your jealousy' or telling you that you must cling on at all costs to the 'love of your life' or indeed pathologising what is a completely healthy reaction to what's been happening.

tadpoles · 05/01/2012 10:53

Think I would focus more on how you are feeling rather than on what you should be feeling or doing. Take back some control. If you are not happy despite him coming back then perhaps it's time he moved out again and you can get on with your own life. Think he is taking you for granted.

BandOMothers · 05/01/2012 10:53

this is awful of him...I know what I would do...I would be in there uncovering things...I might even speak to this woman alone to guage the situation.

Geordieminx · 05/01/2012 10:54

You know I don't even think you love him, you certainly aren't in love him. Probably just the idea of having the life back that you once had.

This is not a bad thing though, this is enabling you to see through his lies. Just keep remembering all the bad stuff, and remember you will get over him.

In time you will look back on him with pity, he clearly is a shit who wants his cake and to eat it... I reckon he'll end up very lonely with no-one to love him... Clearly the OW isn't prepared to give up her life for him Hmm

fiventhree · 05/01/2012 11:12

Yes, lifeshocker, listen to the voice in your head.

For 5 years I kept doubting that it could be true, and believed my h. These sorts of men are the hardest to catch, because they hate themselves quite alot for what they have done, it doesnt fit in with their self view. So they create a completely different compartment in their heads in order to make themselves feel ok.

FWIW, blaming you is a common one, and is just part of a battery of tricks to make you back off. My h even suggested my daughter, who had found him on a website, (she is 24), had invented it because 'she likes a drama'. And in the end, she was right. And my h is a good dad, usually!