Back together with husband. Why do I feel so sad

[lifeshocker]

I am really struggling at the moment. Me and h split up new years day last year. He left me said there was no one else he was just unhappy. Anyway went through a really hard time with kids, we had to move house. I took break up really hard as he was and is the love of my life.
After not speaking at all we eventually made friends and Got back together in the summer. We are now living back together.
I am finding it so hard to let go of the anger I feel towards him for what he has done. I am also consumed with jealously and suspicion that he was seeing someone else when we split.
He has a really close friendship with another female teacher he works with and when we split was convinced he was seeing her. Even when we got back together he was going to her house alone saying he was seeing her and her husband, I found out that her husband wasn't there. When I confronted him he said he lied because of my jealousy.
Since they have been off together over Christmas he has gone to her house a couple of times for a coffee. I said I was ok with it but inside my stomach was churning.
I feel that I am ruining everything with my jealousy and anger. I love my husband so much but feel I am so damaged by everything that has happened. I just need some perspective or advice please. Is this ever going to work out..

I am not a jealous or possessive little woman type, but really, I wouldnt be happy for my h to have a private and close friendship with another woman. He should be able to see why. If he ignores this, and does it anyway, after you have taken him back, then she must represent a strong pull for him.

Why is that?

Do you see what I mean?

Um...no decent counsellor will tell anyone to 'stay with the love of their life' - they will be able to look at the couple as a whole and establish the issues.

Good luck - I sincerely hope you can work through it - but please don't build up huge amounts of suspicion and resentment that might wreck things anyway. Please think of yourself too in all this. Perhaps try talking to your OH again and if this is not productive, then please consider an impartial professional.

You feel bad because you're being used. It's all been about him. He leaves, he comes back, he's unhappy, he's happy. Like no-one else matters. He's probably had a crack at the female teacher and either been rejected or decided 'better the devil you know'. Even if nothing actually happened, his total disregard for anyone other than himself has been apalling. All the time there's you having to move house, keep the rest of the family on an even keel, cope with the trauma and basically wait until he's made his silly little mind up which way to jump.

I wouldn't actually stoop to trying to find out the truth. If I'm not first choice, they're not worth it.

Yes, precisely. With or without an actual affair he's taking the piss. He took the piss and now he's taking it some more. And messing with your head. Reeks of entitlement, selfishness and immaturity.

To be brutally honest, why are you even trying?

He has put you through shit. He has rolled back into your life, expect you to continue like before. He has offered no acceptable explanation for his departure, insists on seeing female friends when he knows you are insecure about it. He cant be bothered to work on the relationship, just expect you to "move on" and allow him to continue. He is a bit of a self centered arse, isnt he?

I was responding to your post actually punkatheart when you said this:

"It would be such a shame to let something go, if he truly is the love of your life."

Because I think it's very bad advice to a woman who is being treated shamefully by her partner, but seems to have put her own welfare and sanity below her right to be treated with consideration and respect. All because of some romantic 'soulmate' cobblers that often gets in the way of people making good decisions.

The OP has also said she is already "consumed with jealousy and suspicion" so trying to get to the truth is hardly likely to make her feel worse or 'wreck things'.

It might 'wreck things' for her shit of a partner and amen to that. It's been a long time coming.

I agree with Sternface's posts.

He is having an affair and your instincts are right but this man is such a practised liar and brainwasher and the fact that he is making out you are paranoid etc is cruel. I think you won't get the full facts if you keep asking him so I would just pull the rug from under him.

Even if he is the love of your life, you deserve so much more.

Yes to counsellor, and yes to 'gethering evidence' as I understand that you need to know what is/was going on. But... how about you also try to move past all this him-focused stuff and think about what YOU, truly, want??

Because he isn't 'the love of your life', is he?

True love doesn't treat someone the shameful way he's treated you... and his children.

I couldn't forgive what he did and I wouldn't want to, OW or not. He treated you like dirt. I am not at all surprised that you are low in spirits... because deep down you KNOW that this is all wrong, that as others have said, he's treated you like crap, clicked his fingers and you've gone back. I think that you feel uncomfortable at some level and know that this has changed the power balance. That you feel taken for granted, and not valued. That you've sold yourself and the children short, and been left in a very weak position despite the fact that you are back 'together' - it's all hollow now.

And you'd be right - this horror doesn't value you and his family at all, and now he's proving it with the way he's continuing to treat you.

How did you eventually 'make friends'? - did he thaw towards you? Did it come from his side? Because if so, what I think is OVERWHELMINGLY likely to be the case is that he had an affair, left you to be with her, and it didn't work out. So he thought he'd have you back as that's better than being on his own.

I'll say it again - true love, and even just decent people don't treat their partners like that. And that he devastated your childrens' lives too - words fail, really.

Again - what do you want, really? Can you really say that you still love and admire this man? Can you trust his love?

I can only imagine the heartache and insecurity you went through and can totally understand why you went back. But I have a feeling that now the dust has settled, this sadness isn't going to go away. It's there for a reason, OP.

If I were you, I would go for counselling, and I would allow myself to think through a life without him. From where I'm standing it looks like it would have much to recommend it. And he could have the pleasure of getting what he once wished for, and trashed you and his family to take.

He's worth NOTHING, I assure you. You could do so much better with your life.

"No he just says she is a really good friend although I am never invited when they meet."

That is cheating. This isn't about whether there is any distance in inches or milimeters between the willy and the wee-wee, this is infidelity. He has a connection to another person that is strong enough for him not to give up, and he is keeping you out of this relationship. Get Shirley Glass NOT Just Friends and read it.

You are sad because the authentic part of you (not the rationalisations and denials) knows this.
So time to call his BS. Get a voice-activated recorder and put it in his car.

Abitwobblynow Sorry for the total thread-jack , but how can you go about getting a voice-activated recorder?

You poor thing, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not mad, you have every right to be suspicious, sad and jealous.

I think the most likely thing is that he was having an affair, and perhaps maybe has ended it. Either because she has pulled away or he has seen she is not worth it. They may have agreed to remain friends of course which is a terrible betrayal anyway. You are not to blame. Your jealousy and anger are entirely, totally righteous and correct. He has put you through so much. If it is ruined and you can't carry on then it is his fault, not yours. You sound lovely.

He doesn't want to disrupt things by telling you the whole truth (what's the point, he'll selfishly think?! It'll make her sad and make me look like a dick and ruin any chance of us reconciling) so will probably deny deny deny. I suppose you either need proof, or to confront him, refusing to continue any sort of relationship until he tells you absolutely everything that happened between them. Counselling might help but he may lie there even more readily, fearing a third party's judgement. But at least there will be someone to show you he is being dreadful, not you.
My experience is that you either need cold hard proof (phone texts, recordings or emails) or to just say 'I know there was something. And nothing else can happen til you admit it.' If you ask questions, 'did something happen?' I think he will always deny. It is not weak that you are struggling with this. It is because you have some love and value for yourself and he is brainwashing you into thinking it is unreasonable to be hurt. It is not. He is the one you has hurt you. And he must find that very hard to bear and doesn't want to believe.

Thank you so much for your replies definitely given me a lot to think about. I have asked several female friends if they would be happy about their h having this kind of contact with ow and they have all said no. I have lost a hell of a lot of my confidence so it is really hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes, I will snoop and make some emotional distance so I can find out what is really going on. And thanks again

Hope it all works out for you, my love. Come back here and chat/rant - but only if it helps.

Voice activated recorder: any electronic/stationary store. Google, ebay, Comet?

Tessa6, there still IS something, no was about it. He has developed an emotional, intimate connection to another woman, investing time and emotions in her and is keeping his wife out of it. That is a triangle, it is infidelity.

'If you wouldn't do it or say it in front of your spouse, then it's cheating' - Dr Phil

Another warning sign for me is that he takes his phone everywhere with him. A couple of nights I have got it out of his pocket when he is asleep. Both times all his sent and inbox have been deleted. Will keep snooping.

That's a massive massive warning sign, lifeshocker. I think you can be pretty certain that your instincts have been right. Keep snooping, sure, but in the back of your head you should be pretty sure that, whatever proof you haven't yet got, he's cheated on you and probably tried to make you feel mad and bad about it too. You need to sort through what you want to do about that, whatever he admits. Because perversely, if you've lost a lot of confidence, he probably thinks he's in some way 'protecting' you by lying to you so he may never say the whole truth.

He is the one who should be doing all the work to make up to you the pain he caused you by leaving. if he really really wanted to make it work with you he would have to give give give to the relationship and speak honestly about his feelings and listen to every doubt and fear you had. If he's not doing this and you're feeling like you are having to compromise and make the effort towards the relationship that's a travesty. Then he is not invested enough in the relationship and will continue the affair or begin another.

Personally, and I know a lot of people would disagree with me and I can see why, but I might try to talk calmly to the woman. She may tell you some of the truth if things between them have gone sour.