Emotiomally unavailable

[ChristmasIsGone]

I would just like what you would make out of these comments from DH.

• We were having a chat and looking at him I could see he was looking sad. So I told him 'You look sad..'. H got upset and then looked very surprised when I explained that this was just me saying what I had seen. That how he felt was important to me and I wanted to know. He said he was finding that sort of outlook strange (as it is strange to want to know how the other person is feeling and to care about it).
• He says that he usually doesn't know how he feels and lives only 'in his head'
• That I usually know better than him how he is feeling (??) and he finds it very annoying
• That he does things wo thinking about me or the dcs 'because it is easier to think only about himself'

So what do you think?

ASD?

I really don't know. Some things would work well with that explaination but then others don't.

It suggests to me that he has trust issues with other people, stemming from his childhood, and that he cant name his feelings to others (or admit he has any) as it doesnt feel safe. My h has been through this, but has started to change after Relate counselling for other problems between us.

It is nothing that you have or havnt done; he was like this when you met, I expect, although it is easily masked in the initial phase of a relationship, especially as all of those feelings are positive ones.

Does this seem possible?

It would suggest to me that he is not interested in endless discussions of feelings. Some people are not. There is no moral superiority in being obsessed with talking about feelings, and it is very irritating to have someone constantly going 'What are you thinking? WHy? How are you feeling?' when you actually would quite like to keep your thoughts to yourself.

Agree with both your comments.

They have all crossed my mind and I am struggling to see which one is the closest to reality so that I can do something about the issues in our relationships.

One the most annoying things my DH does is 'tell me' how I'm feeling.... he bases this on his interpretation of my facial expression and also how he thinks I 'should' be feeling in a given situation.

I don't think it makes me emotionally unavailable to not want to express my every feeling to him.

I never tell H how he should be feeling.
I have (sometimes but not always!) asked him if he felt this or the other. Mainly because he doesn't say anything so I am left to guess if one thing annoys him, is acceptable or not. And I do need to know how he feels about some things.
In any other situations, he does NOT express his feelings or his pov for that matter.

Im not su I can help, but I have known quite a few men who dont do feelings very well. Im sure he are women too.
I know that my DP tries to guess my feelings sometimes and I find i annoying. Eg.
DP. You tired?
Me. No, im fine

5 mins later

DP. I bet youre tired -right?
Me. No, really. Im fine.

Later

DP. You look shattered
Me. (starts to yawn) hmmm, I am a bit tired...

I bloody swear he talks me into it though like a subliminal message.

As I said Im sure that doesnt help . but maybe you commenting on him being sad and wanting to talk about that actually makes him sad in a way that he wasnt feeling it before?

but you are his wife - surely you know him far better than any of us and surely you have always known this about him?

why has it come to bother you now? is something else going on? do you feel he is hiding something or have you started feeling disatisfied by the level/absence of intimacy?

need the context.

No actually it does help.
As I said I am not sure what to think about DH behaviour. I am at loss to what to think just as I am at loss as to how he feels or to what he really thinks.
I had a look at AS and he would fit 90% or more of the list I found for adults with AS. I also had done a test for him a few years ago and he did fit the criteria but he didn't do it, I did so it is obvioulsy a biased evaluation.
Then he would fit criteria for being passive-aggressive too.
Or he could he just be t*
Or it could be me who is very very annoying!
None of what I read helps as such as there is no way you can make a diagnosis of AS or PA from a list on the internet.

So all your comments help to see what I could try and change and what is out of my remit.

I do have a question though. For all of you who find that a partner asking if you feel sad or whetever annoying, are you also the type of peole who will never share how they feel? Would you be able to say how you feel about major events in your life (like being a parent, having a close relative dying or an issue with a child)? Would you share that with your partner if they asked you how you feel about it?

I don't get this sense of entitlement to knowing someone else's feelings. WHy should he give you every detail of everything that's going through his mind? It's not wicked to want a little privacy when it comes to your own thoughts. He doesn't have to be exactly the same as you. I have generally found that people who insist on knowing all about other people's thoughts and feelings generally then want to tell them that their thoughts and feelings are wrong, or that they are not telling the truth, and it all boils down to the feelings-obsessed one having decided what the other person should be feeling, and trying to make them agree that yes, they do feel that way. When they might not have any particular feelings on whatever the subject is.

It seems to me that he is a shallow person if he doesn't think much about his own feelings, or how his feelings and behaviour affect others.
Some people feel and think, but don't express those feelings verbally- but it sounds as if he doesn't have any emotional depth.
It does sound like Aspergers but it could also just be utter selfishness or self absorption.

if you have been married for ages I am surprised that you have just found this out about him- to me, it's pretty fundamental- how someone ticks.

it's not every detail though is it sgb? if someone you love is sat near you looking sad you're likely to inquire if they're ok or comment that they look sad - it's a loving response - not as in contrived but as in a reaction that seems 'normal' to me.

and if it was a privacy issue he could have said i don't want to talk about it, or i'm ok just a bit tired or whatever.

have re-read the OP and it's the choosing to think only of himself rather than his family because it's easier that's the bit that strikes me as an odd thing to say/feel.

i'd wonder about the health of your relationship before dx him with a disorder though personally.

He certainly sounds very detached- both from you and his own mind.

Is this behaviour new or does it go back years?

pp -if it helps,im actually a big talker of feelings, its just that I feel that he's guessed incorrectly and in a sort of negative, down beat sort of a way (so wouldnt comment every 5 mins If I seemed unusually happy).

This behaviour isn't new, prob has always been there. The difference is that before we had dcs, we could function like this. We didn't have any major decisions to take, not have we had any major problem to solve. I am quite independant so even though I would have appreciated more communication or deeper discussions, it never was a major issue.

SGB, I am taking on board what you are saying. I will try and not ask any questions about how he feels.
I do appreciate that he doesn't like it and prob feels put on the spot.

However it has never been about knowing all the single little details of what is happening in his mind. I would like to know just a little bit. Like what he think about a way I propose to parent our dcs, what is going on at work (I have no idea how many people are in his office, let alone one name, if things are going well or not after he got promoted etc...). If he really wants to go a specific outing (because he will say 'yes I'm fine' but his body language says somethingelse and then he spend the entire outing being grumpy because actually he didn't want to be there).
I don't want him to feel a certain way about anything but I do need to know how he feels about a minimum number of things so that we can take decisions together that we will all be happy with.

hmm doesn't sound like there is much 'we' consciousness in him does it? plus he's said that himself. i don't envy your position. i think i'd find it impossible.

No there isn't at the moment.

We've had an argument over where we would spend Chritmas this year. He didn't want to go to my family as 'The roads or trains are too busy at that time of the year'. I refused and told him I would go regardless (My Gran was unwell and my mum has some heath issues too). I asked him if he though my request was unreasonnable. His answer 'I don't know. I've never though about it in this way...'.

I do think all this is worse when he is feeling under pressure though. Pressure of being a parent, of supporting his wife emotionally and practically in everyday life, of doing things at work he would prefer to not do or do in a different way. Well just normal pressure of life.
Remove all tis and he is becoming a nice person to be with and can even be attentionate (which is what he was when we met).

From another thread, I was looking at a website www.marriagebuilders.com. I would normally shy away from any site like this but the headings of their questionaire has suddenly clarify where the problems are:

• No conversation (talking about the day, personnal feelings, plan for the future, using to try and understand you, giving you undivided attention)
• No Honesty and Openness (revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving a false impression; answering questions truthfully and completely).

That's perhaps the best description I've found about what I meant by 'emotionally unavailable'

well I'm sorry but you are making way too many excuses for him.

He sounds like a fair weather friend- and would you want one of those- let alone a fair weather husband!

if he can only be "attentive"- assume you mean that and not"attentionate"- or affectionate?- when life is easy, then that's not much cop is it?

I really do not think that you should start adapting your behaviour to fall in with his inadequacies.
it's a slippery slope- you will be curbing your emotions to fit in with his lack of them.

He just sounds incredibly insensitive and emotionally unintelligent- hardly takes much to work out that you want to see your family over Xmas because they are unwell.

Does he give you any emotional support at all?

Bit confused about what you want to know to be honest but didn't you say upthread that he is usually like this? It does sound rather basic man vs woman stuff.

Also you sort of contradict yourself a bit

As in telling him you're going to your family then asking if he thinks it's unreasonable??? what are you fishing for?

Well I am sure it's more than man vs woman stuff! That I am sure.

My issue? I suppose I desperately try and want to believe there is a logical explaination to his behaviour other than being a twat.
I would happily jump at the possibility that he has AS traits because it would be an acceptable answer. I would happily accept he is PA because this is just learnt behaviour and you can change that and find the nice person underneath (well if he wants to).
But I am also aware of how I can be clutching at straws. Hence I am asking what people think so I can get a more balanced view of the situation?? Eg should I really ask him about his feelings?

Re going away, it went like this.
Day A, big argument about going away to spend christams with my family. I let a day or two pass, talk to him again. Doesn't want to so I tell him I am going because very important for me blabla. DH then tells me a few days later that he will come with us as doesn't to spend christmas on his own.

A few weeks later, another heavy discussion. I tell him I need him to take my needs into account too in general. Then gave the example of Christmas and asked him if he really though it was an unreasonnable request.
So 2 different discussions about different subjects but it gives an idea on how he thinks/reacts.

As it turns out, this has been the last christmas with my gran. She was sent to hospital at the end of christmas day and is now on life support machines with little chance of ever recovering.

I might be able to help you a bit with this.

Some time ago i saw a counsellor as i wondered if my DH had AS- she thought he did and loaned me a book Aspergers in Love.

Having read it, I saw that it was unlikely he was. I have worked with people with AS and he ticks some boxes but not all.

My issue was that he was generally uncommunicative- or found it hard to express his feelings- but in our case the feelings were there, he simply found it hard to open up verbally.

In your situation your DH seems unable to see any other person's view point- and not even willing to accept there is one!

How long have you been married and has he always been like this?

I agree with previous poster, it is a slippery slope if you have to start adapting your personality because you are permanently met with a lack of interest/care/communication.

You can end up shutting down with that person.

We've been married 12 years.....
It certainly has been like this since dc1 was born. Prob like this before too but it wasn't as visible because there was no problems to face to.
Also when we met we similar interest/hobbies. I have changed and my interests are completely different now than they were at the time.

Re adapting you personality: About 6 months ago, I saw a friend of mine. She was explaining how she had been helping someone - asking her if she wanted to come with her food shoping as that person didn't have car atm. I downed onto me that this is something I would have done wo any hesitation before I met him but that it wouldn't have crossed my mind nowdays. I have become nearly as insensitive as he is.

I will have a look at this book. It might help me clarify some stuff as it has with you.