Feelings of guilt and shame after sex

[MotherPanda]

Would love to know if this is something everybody feels/ goes through or If I am just a bit weird. I'm being very brave and not name changing and everything.

After sex, with my lovely DH who I have a very good relationship with, I feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. I certainly feel like we are doing something naughty/dirty that we would be told off for if anyone 'caught' us.

I have a number of theories about why I might feel like this

1. is that we have a 5 month old dd who I am breast feeding - Perhaps I feel that by enjoying myself sexually I am not being a good mother. Or that its wrong to allow both my husband and daughter access to my body?

1. Me and DH met as teenagers and used to go for nice long walks in woods... ahem, so we started out having sex 'in secret'.

1. past abuse... again, super secretive which has only come to light in the past five years or so.

1. everyone feels this way after sex, or at least women do. And this is why we are so keen for cuddles afterwards, for reassurance that what just happened was ok.

I used to dominate in bed (particularly when I had a large bump - shock! sex in pregnancy!) but more recently feel like I want DH to be in charge, and admitting this to myself, and to DH, makes me very uncomfortable. I shouldn't enjoy these things.

So - any theories, am I bonkers or just like the rest of you. And what can I do about it - because it's horrible for DH to have sex with me, and then for me to curl up in a little ball and weep afterwards.

I think it's a combination of 1 and 3. Not 4 though, as not all women feel like this after sex, and 2 - again, lots of people have had 'secret' sex and don't feel guilt or shame after every subsequent encounter.

You're not bonkers though. Are you having counselling, that might help 'deal' with the abuse. Perhaps that's why you feel so wrong in telling DH that you would like him to take control sometimes - it's acceptable if YOU are in control, but to allow someone else to be the dominating partner is too much of a reminder IYSWIM?

You might also find that the feelings subside considerably once you stop breastfeeding - it could be some sort of subconscious thing making you feel that your body belongs to your DD for mothering purposes, and therefore it is WRONG to allow it to be sullied by sex when it should be pure for your lovely DD (which I would imagine is perfectly natural)

I'm not a professional at all, so these are merely my opinions, based on nothing more than gut feeling and what I've seen on past threads :)

thank you - DH has only ever slept with me, so had no idea if how i felt was normal or not for women.

What you say makes sense - and you can tell by my theories it had occurred to me.

How does one go about getting counselling? I have had counselling before, but at school and uni. Just hashing it out loud feels pretty good tbh.

I also feel embarrassed about initiating sex now. I have an unhealthy obsession with 'purity'.

Stupid breast feeding hormones - Apparently they reduce libido in some women. That hasn't happened with me, though I feel like this would all be easier if it had.

DH is being fanatastic however, but in some ways he is backing off and not initiating for fear of upsetting me which makes it all worse!

I don't know if it would apply to you or not, but what about a further option of it being linked with what you were told about sex as a child? I only say this because I had some very warped messages about sex being bad and pre-marital sex being the worst thing in the world ever that you would be punished for by burning in hell (not from my parents, from teachers) and I know it made most of my friends feel very guilty for even thinking about sex, let alone partaking in it. Could it be a combination of that and some of the things you mentioned?

Is the guilt and weeping a new thing or have you always felt like that after sex? It's not 4. Most women don't feel guilty after sex (not with their partners anyway).

Oh dear. Sounds like it might be hormones!

I have no idea how you'd access counselling - through your GP perhaps? I found this website but have no experience of this so don't know if they could help.

I've heard that about women who are BF - perhaps in you it's doing it in an arse-about-face way by making you feel shameful when you've had sex, rather than reducing the desire beforehand?

I would say the main thing is not to put pressure on yourself. Do you feel the same after non-sexual contact with DH? If not then could you keep the physical side of things going with kissing and cuddling until you feel you're in a better place?

Actually sex was never mentioned as a child, by my primary school or at home.

my mum slipped me a book around 10/11 about puberty and it took me days to get the courage to tell my mother that I had started my periods.

So very taboo I suppose.

I think I've always felt a little bit ashamed about sex, but actively being upset about it - dwelling on it/weeping is certainly a new thing.

The breasts are saying that kisses and cuddles are ok - it's the letting go and sexual side that is forbidden.

I would say a combo of 1, 2 and 3. 4 is not how everyone feels, no. Sex isn't dirty or shameful, it's very healthy, good for you and should be comfortable and enjoyable and all-around lovely. It only feels bad if you've been conditioned to feel bad through past experiences. (Or if you're physically ill etc., but that seems not to be the case here.)

Here's my take:

-You were abused when you were little, made to feel secretive and guilty and ashamed
-Then as a teen you had secretive sex, which consolidated the feelings from when you were abused
-You kept the feelings at arm's length for a while, then had your daughter and all the feelings from when you were little came back, because you are identifying with her (a v common reaction, i've had this myself). This basically causes all the old emotions to suddenly burst back, it can be quite overwhelming.

Many times, abuse survivors start to recover when they have their own children, because the presence of a little being dredges up all those feelings: "if i feel so protective of this little child, how could the abuser have hurt me when I was a little child?" "this child is guilty of nothing... why do I blame myself for my own abuse then?" etc.

About you feeling weird about being dependent on your DH in the bedroom... I'd wager that's because you've maintained tight control (dominance) in your sex life up till now, in an effort to make yourself feel safe. Now as a mum, you feel vulnerable again for the first time in a long while, so you're basically revisiting a time when you were in danger, afraid, ashamed. Again, v overwhelming! No wonder you feel weird about it all.

About finding counselling... You can google "psychologist" + the name of your town and you'll see a few come up probably. Alternatively you can ask your GP for advice/a recommendation. If you work, you can contact your Employee Assistance Programme, they'll put you in touch with a counsellor, sometimes for free for the first few sessions.

Good luck :) I hope you can find good feelings in your sex life sometime soon.

Ah yes - I do believe my work have a counsellor, it's funny how you need someone else to point out these things for you.

Oikopolis - your post speaks a lot of truths, thank you.

When you have such a young child and you are BF it is normal to want to keep your body 'for your baby' and be immersed in biological motherhood. Taking a break from sex is understandable in these circs- it does not make you a 'bad wife'.

Re: the abuse- does your DH know? I think it does sound as if you need more counselling as even considering that sex is supposed to be shameful is a sign that you still have some degree of trauma.

"When you have such a young child and you are BF it is normal to want to keep your body 'for your baby' "

I don't think that's necessarily true. I would have thought most are capable of being different things to different people. Personally, I loved the intimacy of being with a sexual partner as an escapist, exciting break from being DS's milk provider and nappy changer.... which I enjoyed but which left me feeling 'utilitarian' if that makes sense to anyone.

I would be looking mostly at reason 3 OP. You asked for a feminist slant but I don't think there is a feminist slant to the effects of abuse particularly. Bad memories, left untreated and unresolved, will manifest themselves as stress, phobias and anxiety.

I don't think there is any inherent problem with wanting your partner to take the dominant role. Most of us flip that one around to keep things fresh but, to someone with experience of abuse, it's understandable that submission could be seen as problematic.

I'd suggest, as well as seeking counselling for the memories that you don't back off sex or carry on engaging and getting upset. Instead explore intimacy on a non-penetrative basis.... kisses and cuddles in effect. I'm sure that, with help and with time, your fears will recede. And, in the meantime, you'll still be close as a couple.

Cogito- personally my experience is the same as yours but if you read a lot of threads on here you see that many women think differently- ergo both perspectives are 'normal'

I suppose i was really looking at number 4 when looking for a feminist perspective - but that one has been written off.

I think part of the problem is that we don't have much time for intimacy - we tend to rush straight into sex, ie penetration, because we don't know how long we will have to ourselves (DD is still waking every 2 hours or more). I hadn't thought of this before, but more intimacy, less personal pressure to actually have sex (and I do want sex - it's not just to serve my husband!) would be a very good thing to try.

It all seems so obvious when written down by you lot - but thank you, it really is helping to have other peoples views on this.

Oh and yes, my DH knows almost as much as I do about the abuse, but it's difficult as my memories are foggy. We don't like to talk about it very much, but It's not like he won't listen if I want to talk about it.

I don't really understand the connection between feminism and number 4. Do you mean that feminists recognise that women can be socialised into seeing themselves as asexual and that female sexuality is 'shameful' ie double standards/ calling women sluts? And then sometimes this social pressure can be self fulfilling in that it stops women from enjoying sex?

Erm... yes. Beautifully put victoria. I did wonder, and other posters have mentioned types of social conditioning.

DH thought that perhaps everyone dose feel this way about sex, as it is something we do in private and don't talk about in public. At least (young?) women don't talk about it, that would be slutty. If sex is mentioned its in a whisper - normally to talk about contraception.

At least those are my memories of conversations about sex.

Do you think talking about sex is 'slutty'? I am quite at that comment. Ime most women of all ages discuss sex to some extent with their friends. I'm pretty sure this is typical. Maybe you have other hang ups about sex that aren't related to abuse or BF. did you have quite an oppressive upbringing?

I'm talking from a teenage girl perspective with that comment - which I didn't think was that shocking.

By oppressive upbringing do you want me to say that I was bought up with a strict christian mother etc - because I wasn't. I wouldn't say I have any hang ups about sex (apart from at primary school where sex really was a naughty word - does that count?).

No, as an adult women I don't think to talk about sex is slutty, but actually I'm not comfortable talking to others about it. I certainly wouldn't mention this problem to any RL friends.

I am bfing a 6month old and feel the same as you to some extent. Certainly, I didn't feel like this with the previous DCs who were not bf past 3m. However, this means I have no willingness to initiate at the moment and also have been known to decline (unheard of!) rather than weep after wards :( . What I mean is that the bf and cosleeping have affected my libido and self perception as a sexual being, rather than mean that sex leaves me that low.

Ah - forgot to mention that we are co-sleeping, which means that sex often doesn't actually happen at night in bed etc, which I feel is the nicest time to have sex.

It's more a do it on the sofa or guest bed affair sort of thing, which doesn't help my feelings of sex being something to hide.

I suppose that now breast feeding is established and we are all used to our roles in the family I just feel that we are all in it for the long run now. Which is why this sort of behaviour is so depressing for me - will it get better? I don't intend to give up feeding dd any time soon...

I am holding on for it getting better :D I believe the feelings are to do with the baby, but also going from lazy, slow, loving sex in your bed to fast, penetrative on the sofa must mess with heads. Not that sofa se isn't good ;) but when not weighed up with the other type it can leave a feeling of imbalance.

It'll get better once you get back to your old habits, the baby is sleeping better and in their own bed. I think - putting it crudely - that what happens at speed in a guest bed or on a sofa is a 'quick shag' and not 'making love'. It's the sexual equivalent of junk food vs a nutritious five course meal. Like junk food, quickies are fine occasionally and can be fun in that 'aren't we being naughty' sort of way but, if that's the only intimacy you're getting in your life, you're going to feel cheap and unsatisfied after a while rather than respected and cherished. To continue the analogy.... sexual malnourishment.

Some couples talk about 'getting the magic back' and book a weekend away from the baby precisely so that they can relax and enjoy their sex-life again. Good luck

Thank you captain and cogito - 'This too shall pass'