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Original poster

Husband problems!

32 replies

Emmasmum40 · 04/01/2012 11:31

We had our 3rd child in November and he is breastfed. Hubby is a bit against bf and thinks that every time he cries or is awake, it is because he is hungry and therefore needs a bottle. We give the baby a bottle last thing at night which allows me to get to bed first. Since DS was born, hubby has slept in the spare room every night (even during paternity leave and hols between Xmas and New Year) to 'get some peace' as he puts it. I am a bit annoyed about this as it is therefore up to me to do all the nappy changing, settling and seeing to two other children should they wake (the spare room is a bit away from the other bedrooms).
Last night, as hubby was giving DS his 'late night' bottle, I heard the poor baby very distressed and went through to help. Hubby was trying to force the bottle down him (baby clearly did not want it) then hubby yelled at me 'you feed him far too late' meaning my last breastfeed at 9pm. Given that it was only 11pm, he was annoyed at not being able to go to bed. He basically then told me that very soon he would be would be off very soon (using swear words).
I really don't know what to do, to be honest, it looks like the end of our marriage pretty soon. There is absolutely no affection (no hugs, kisses) and he can barely bring himself to speak to me or look at me unless out of absolute necessity. He helps out in other practical ways around the house but that is all. He doesn't see friends (he openly admits he has none) and shares all his deep dark secrets with his mother. I have no family nearby and am at a loss as to what to do. Sorry if this message is sounding like a rant, just needing to let it all out.xx

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 04/01/2012 11:33

SOunds like he doesn't know how to look after a baby properly if his assumption is that the baby is always hungry if its crying. Maybe he feels inadequate as a parent and that's the problem? Or is he just not interested in the kids?

Lueji · 04/01/2012 11:34

Is this a new thing? What happened with the other 2?

theincredibequeenofwands · 04/01/2012 11:34

I'd let him go.

He sounds like an arse.

Am sorry you're going throught this though.

:(

Flisspaps · 04/01/2012 11:35

Can I be honest? If he has no friends, and there is no happiness or love in your marriage then him going might not be a bad thing.

At least if he goes, you'll still be doing all the parenting yourself but you can do it your way, in peace, and know that your baby isn't being force fed and getting distressed :(

Original poster
Emmasmum40 · 04/01/2012 11:37

I should also have added that he wants me to go back to work full time soon (as I did with my other children). We have separate bank accounts and after taking more than 6months last time, I apparently 'drained his finances'. I would consider a joint account but he wants me to account for every penny. He has made various references to me using my savings as opposed to his money during this maternity leave. Gee, this doesn't sound like a happy marriage at all does it?

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 04/01/2012 11:40

He sounds awful tbh. I would post this in Relationships. You are going to get all the "why do you put up with it", "you enable his bahaviour", "I looked after 5 children with no help so you should be able to cope" type posts, which you don't really need.

He's not really helping you at all is he. In fact he is making things worse. He should be supporting your bfing for a start. There are also a whole bunch of red flags in your last paragraph. Do you really want to be with him? Ask yourself what are you getting out of the relationship?

Original poster
Emmasmum40 · 04/01/2012 11:40

With the other two, he had no choice but to sleep in the same room as me with 1st child (we moved since then). He slept in the spare room with child no 2 until I expressed my anger. It obviously didn't sink in! That wasn't quite so bad as child no 1 was a bit older and sleeping through. Child no 2 is just a toddler so I'm coping with both :-(

OP posts:
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 04/01/2012 11:41

You sound like you need a hug!

Firstly, I'm not surprised baby won't take a bottle if he's bf - why would he want a bottle? If you are happy bf, then I would ditch the bottle for now if the baby doesn't seem to be keen.

Your baby is still very young and it sounds like you are ff to please your dh.

Does your DH especially want to feed the baby? If he wants to help out or bond there's a hundred other ways he could do that, he doesn't need to feed the baby.

Personally I think you need to have a discussion with him and talk honestly about how you're feeling and what you would like to happen and how you would like him to help out.

It's your 3rd child so he knew what having a new baby would be like. he sounds like he's being selfish and unsupportive if he isn't helping with the other children if they wake in the night.

Have you spoken to any close friends or family about what's going on? What have they suggested?

dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 11:41

Er, no it doesn't Sad

I think you should start making plans to be on your own. Could your family help, even if they're not nearby?

Original poster
Emmasmum40 · 04/01/2012 11:42

Thanks everyone for your support. Think I will post this under relationships, sorry I am new to this. Think I am just giving myself confirmation that this relationship is dead wood!

OP posts:
poorbuthappy · 04/01/2012 11:42

Ask HQ to move this into relationships.
Take a deep breath and be prepared to be told some home truths.
Be strong.
And you're right, it doesn't sound like a happy marriage.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 04/01/2012 11:42

Oh blimey he gets worse! You've drained his finances??? They aren't his finances for a start. If he wanted his finances he shouldn't have had children and expected you to look after them.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 04/01/2012 11:46

If you looking after his children is draining his finances then maybe he shouldn't have bloody children!! The bloody cheek!!

is he under the assumption that your earnings are for children and his earnings are for himself?

You a couple. A team. The children are the responsibilities of the 2 of you.

He does sound like a bit of a twat tbh, but it's easy to say that isn't it? It's hard when it's your children's father.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 04/01/2012 11:47

Oh and this lack of support could have a knock on effect for you in terms of PND etc so you really want to start putting your needs at least on a par with his, if not ahead of his at this moment in time.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 04/01/2012 11:49

What I mean is if he isn't taking your needs into account then binning him will prove beneficial as it would be significantly less of a drain to you.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 04/01/2012 11:49

It doesn't sound like a marriage at all sweetheart, let alone a happy one.

You have 4 kids there not 3.

What's your relationship with his DM like? Can you share some problems, and maybe get her to kick him up the arse a bit? Is the bf thing coming from her, she could be feeding your dh all kinds of crap? I've never known any of my male friends to have that divisive an opinion on formula or booby milk. They normally just want their parnter to be as happy as possible with their lifestyle and choices don't they?

6 months mat leave is tough, I went back after 5 due to financial reasons and I regret it even 7 years later. is he worried about money? Do you know if he is in debt and not sharing the information with you?

If you can manage without him, and it sounds like you are, perhaps suggest he spends a few weeks at his mums until he's learnt to grow up and become a bit more supportive. Also it might give you some space to think about what you really want. He needs to be aware that if he does leave, he'll probably be more financially "bothered" by his commitments than if he stayed.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 04/01/2012 11:50

Let him go. If he doesn't want to be with you and his children then nothing on earth can make him stay anyway so why live with him "hanging over you" waiting for the explosion. Just tell him that since he is so unhappy you wish him well and make him leave. You need to stay in the family home with the children and he needs to arrange to pay you towards their keep. Then he will have visits and he can do all the childcare during them and you can get a proper rest sometimes.

swanrevelry · 04/01/2012 11:50

3 kids and 3 months in is a very stressful time. I certainly wanted to divorce my husband when we had small children. Things have got better though; I realise now we were under incredible pressure, with no family and friends to help us and thrown back entirely on each other for moral support.

Yes, he is behaving very selfishly to go off to spare room, but can you enlist him day for other help if he has a sleep credit? He may be one of those people that feels very jealous of the time you spend with the baby and want more attention for himself. You could turn his relationship wth other kids to your advantage - could you make him realise how much they like him and depend on him, that might bolster his "confidence" for want of a better word so he behaves like less of a bastard. It sounds like he is attention seeking in the worst possible way to show you he needs you. I've known friends whose husbands have behaved like two year olds in these situations.

Give him a chance to explain and show his affection, but if things don't improve in next few months and you are as you say, independent, you haven't got much to lose by leaving. He has a lot more to lose so he needs to work for your respect and affection.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2012 11:50

It isn't a happy marriage at all. Sounds like you've managed things financially and practically with the first two but because you need support with #3, it's highlighting his shortcomings. Very small babies are tough on the nerves and, if the relationship isn't that strong to start with, things are going to snap.

A friend has 2 DC's but her rather controlling and older husband only agreed with the immortal line 'if you want them, you deal with them' and opted out completely once they arrived. Even to the extent that, if she went out for the evening, he would book a babysitter rather than look after them himself! Miserable git

Sidge · 04/01/2012 11:53

Do you want to be with him?

It sounds like you get nothing much from this relationship, and I can't see what he contributes to the family really, especially emotionally.

Do you feel that you could ask him to move out for a month whilst you both have some space to decide what you want?

Nagoo · 04/01/2012 11:54

I am sorry but it sounds like he doesn't want to have a family at all :(

He needs to think long and hard about what kind of relationship he wants with you and his children.

I don't know what you can do, apart from talk to him about how you feel, and what you want to happen.

What do you want to happen?

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 04/01/2012 11:55

Did you dh not want the third child op? Is that where the issues lie? Did he tell you you'd have to manage independantly because it wasn't his choice?

Lueji · 04/01/2012 11:57

He sounds like a selfish b***d.

Also sounds a lot like my marriage in the last few years. STBXH doesn't have friends either.

It doesn't look like it is post-baby stress only. :-(

If he tells you he wants to go, I'd let him before it gets worse.

TopazMortmain · 04/01/2012 11:57

Sorry no advice OP Sad He sounds like an arse...

You on the other hand sound awesome so chin up and good luck

Snakeonaplane · 04/01/2012 12:03

Sorry he sounds rubbish, I was going to say my dh finds it hard to look after our bf baby because she only really settles with me but he does look after the other 2 and me which your dh isn't doing. Did he pull his weight caring for your other 2 pre this baby?