Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Husband problems!

32 replies

Emmasmum40 · 04/01/2012 11:31

We had our 3rd child in November and he is breastfed. Hubby is a bit against bf and thinks that every time he cries or is awake, it is because he is hungry and therefore needs a bottle. We give the baby a bottle last thing at night which allows me to get to bed first. Since DS was born, hubby has slept in the spare room every night (even during paternity leave and hols between Xmas and New Year) to 'get some peace' as he puts it. I am a bit annoyed about this as it is therefore up to me to do all the nappy changing, settling and seeing to two other children should they wake (the spare room is a bit away from the other bedrooms).
Last night, as hubby was giving DS his 'late night' bottle, I heard the poor baby very distressed and went through to help. Hubby was trying to force the bottle down him (baby clearly did not want it) then hubby yelled at me 'you feed him far too late' meaning my last breastfeed at 9pm. Given that it was only 11pm, he was annoyed at not being able to go to bed. He basically then told me that very soon he would be would be off very soon (using swear words).
I really don't know what to do, to be honest, it looks like the end of our marriage pretty soon. There is absolutely no affection (no hugs, kisses) and he can barely bring himself to speak to me or look at me unless out of absolute necessity. He helps out in other practical ways around the house but that is all. He doesn't see friends (he openly admits he has none) and shares all his deep dark secrets with his mother. I have no family nearby and am at a loss as to what to do. Sorry if this message is sounding like a rant, just needing to let it all out.xx

OP posts:
Emmasmum40 · 04/01/2012 12:05

Tbh, not sure I do want to be with him anymore. Feeling a bit better about things today but maybe that's cos he's gone back to work. My relationship with his mother is pretty non existant so I couldn't really speak to her. His family live a couple of hours away and they think he can do no wrong I'm afraid. I haven't actually told my own family/friends about this yet...think I'm too scared to admit it's all going wrong. He is completely different in front of them - acts like the perfect gentleman. It's when we're home alone that it all goes pear shaped.
As for his finances, he's not in debt at all. Just likes to hang on to his money! Although we will probably end up in debt when I go back to work and childcare kicks in!
@CogitoErgoSometimes - re your friend with the controlling husband. Sounds like me (although I try not to let him control me!) I think it doesn't help that my husband is a good bit older than me - probably too old for kids lol!

OP posts:
Emmasmum40 · 04/01/2012 12:11

@Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 (fab name by the way!) - I think you may have hit the nail on the head! He wanted two children, not three and took some persuasion, so this must be it! So here I am officially calling my husband an arse!!! And it feels great!
@ TopazMortmain - thank you! :-) xx

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2012 12:18

I was going to ask if he was a lot older funnily enough because of the experience with my friend but decided that the 'grumpy old man' thing was too much of a stereotype. Her DH had had children in a previous marriage so he thought he'd 'done enough' on the kid front and totally refused to engage for the younger two. He was also very fond of his cash (millionaire) and made her go out to work...

In your shoes I'd be planning an exit strategy and working out what the share of the marital assets would leave you with. Even if you don't carry it out, you'll have the security that you've done the sums. And maybe if you call his bluff and beat him to it he'll sharpen his act up... who knows?

pinkdelight · 04/01/2012 12:18

YANBU but I wouldn't join in the rush for you to leave him just yet. Though he needed persuasion for DC3, presumably back then you felt the marriage was strong enough to bring a new baby into - and there must have been enough afffection to make it possible. It sounds like a really stressful time and it's so hard to communicate when the kids are little. It must be worth waiting till things have settled before dealing with something as big as possibly breaking up.

In the meantime, to deal with the immediate problem. I agree it's tricky to get bf babies to take a bottle, esp after a relatively recent feed. It can drive you crackers trying to feed them, particularly if you have a (however irrational) feeling that they're hungry. Can you do the 9pm feed earlier? And suggest a different set-up at weekends at least, so that he pulls his weight more? A lie-in for you, or he takes care of the two older kids if they wake up in the night?

KatMumsnet · 04/01/2012 12:23

@Emmasmum40

Thanks everyone for your support. Think I will post this under relationships, sorry I am new to this. Think I am just giving myself confirmation that this relationship is dead wood!

Hi OP, we've moved this into 'Relationships' for you, no need to start a new thread!

Moominsarescary · 04/01/2012 12:28

I think you need to sit him down and try and find out what's going on in his head
You should be getting more support from him and you need to tell him that

Hope things work out

mrscoleridge · 04/01/2012 17:40

I apparently 'drained his finances'

Err what does that mean? Are they not joint or do you have no value as a SAHM? This type of attitude makes my blood boil frankly. You sound great and could clearly do with a decent partner who regards marriage/family/money etc as a joint enterprise. Livid for you

New posts on this thread. Refresh page