His embarrassing ways are ruining my social life!

[MilfordSound]

Been with a guy for around 8 months, knew he was a little quirky but was never really a problem because I don't embarrass easily and don't care what other people think generally. However this was all before it started to become a bit more "your friends are my friends and my friends are your friends" iyswim? So anyway I went out with him a couple of weeks before new years eve and met his "friends". This is basically a group of guys he knew from school 25+ years ago. All of them are what can only be described as "losers" and I know that sounds harsh but they're all still living with their parents (ages 37/38) none have ever been married or managed to maintain long term relationships and all of them spend almost every night getting drunk in the same pubs they went to when they were 18. It was an awkward night. I was dreading bumping into anyone I knew and couldn't wait to get out of there!
So a week before New Years Eve I arranged to go out with my friends. He wanted to come too. I told him I didn't want to make a habit of going out together EVERY weekend as I like to spend time with my friends in a "girls night" kinda way but as a one off - ok. So we went to an 80s night. My friends and I love our rock music, old hair rock stuff like aerosmith and bon jovi. He does too so it should've been a good night. However, when I requested Bon Jovi from the DJ and my friends and I started dancing DB thought it would be appropriate to start headbanging like he did when he was 18 - everyone was watching and laughing at him (and not in a good way) and then his glasses flew off he panicked trying to find them amongst the feet of other dancers, all of whom found the whole thing hilarious and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Especially when I saw the look on my friend's faces (who were obviously feeling like I did the week before about bumping into anyone they knew!).
Now NYE - he wanted to come out with me and my friends again. I couldn't face it so pulled out of a night I'd had planned for quite a while for an easier life ended up out with him and his "friends" again. Feeling like an alien and very much missing my friends and "My" kind of people.

It isn't snobbery. I know I'm no better than anyone else but they really are the kind of guys you would expect to see in the movies as the group of losers that never really progressed from their teen years. DP has done better admittidly, he doesn't live at home with his parents but admits he only married his ex as she was pregnant and they thought they'd get credit easier if they were married and they only went in for a child because they knew it would be easier to get a council house. He also says he never really liked her that much but had nothing else to do and knew he'd get nobody else as he was overweight I was willing to let that go because they were young and stupid and he's a lot older now but I'm starting to realise he DOES embarrass me and the only reason he didn't before is because we never mixed with each other's friends before.

I do like HIM. Just not his past or that part of him that is still a 15 year old awkward lad who hangs out with people he doesn't like that much (his own admission about some of these guys) because has no real friends. I also don't want him near my friends again It would be ok if we could see each other in isolation but that isn't possible is it. Can it progress?? am I being really, really harsh? don't want to finish with him really but can't handle the embarrassment. He keeps going on and on about coming out with me and my friends and I'm having a hard time stopping myself from shouting at him "Piss off and deal with your own life and stop trying to live through mine!" awful I feel like he's leaching off my social life in a way but he's wrecking it at the same time

Oh wow, that was long. Rant over.

You aren't suited to each other. Finish it and move on. But not because he decided to headbang when you were at a rock night or because his friends are so-called "losers". or even because he made relationship mistakes in the past. Finish it because whatever this guy does he is going to set your teeth on edge, so he just isn't for you.

You don't like HIM. You like certain bits of him that you've moulded into Suitable Boyfriend shape, but actually 'HIM' consists of a lot more fundamental parts which can't really be separated off, will continue to be there, and which don't suit you at all. This includes ALL his friends, his entire social life, a huge part of his general 'outlook'.

You won't change or be able to get round this and you're resenting him already. It isn't going to work out, knock it on the head now before you start changing YOUR life/friendships to accommodate a fantasy. Because that is one huge waste of time and a real shame. And you'll eventually split up anyway!

Not for you op. Major red flags in every way. Move on....

Tell him.

Even if you aren't right for each other, it sounds like he needs a bit of a reality check.

You obviously don't like him enough to accept him warts and all, move on, he's obviously not the one for you!

I have tried telling him. Before we went to the rock night he had music blaring out at home and was trying to headbang along (looks ridiculous from a 38 year old guy with back problems anyway) and I told him "you know, people don't headbang to BonJovi these days, you know that, right?" and he was adamant that people did because he "remembers". I said to him about his friends "wow, how strange that they all still live with their parents still!" and he said "I know, because they all prefer spending their money on beer!" and this seemed acceptable/normal to him.
But I know what I need to do really it's a shame because some parts of him really are great.

You know, I'd stop focussing on the headbanging thing and the whole "people don't do that these days" because it's making you sound a bit shallow. If you need a boyfriend that conforms to what "people do" you may find you are constantly disappointed. Your OP said you weren't easily embarrassed but that's not how you are coming across.

I still think you should dump him BTW but you may need to consider what you are looking for in a partner.

Completely agree with TheCrunchUnderfoot

You like bits of him, but if he embrasses you and you don't want to socialise with his friend or him to socialise with yours, I think it's all a bit doomed. Can't see any future in this, sorry.

So he's a bad dancer and has some immature mates, and you can't handle it and resent him for it. Do him a favour and ditch him.

Gosh, poor man. Let him down gently and find someone more suited to your lifestyle and aspirations.

Finish it for both your sakes. You don't like him as a whole person, and I can see why, but I am starting to feel a little sorry for him - how would you feel if someone said they wanted to be with you but not in public!

Basically reread TheCrunchUnderfoot's comment until it sinks in.

you don't like him enough. If you did you wouldn't find it embarrassing, you'd find it funny and you would say as much to your mates and defend him. What his mates are like is totally irrelevant and you know it (unless he's expecting you to live with them).

You just don't like him enough.

Finish it and move on.

If you loved him you would find the headbanging bit mildly irritating or amusing like I do with my dh when he does something awkward or different.

The one part I'm really struggling with in your post is that you don't seem to discuss 'quirks' of your own - you are aware you have them, right?

It seems that you like to see yourself as 'normal' and him as 'different' - is that right?

Are you still hanging round with your mates from school? Have you been married or in a long term relationship? Are you living with your parents? - have you got baggage too? No need to answer these questions but maybe a bit of self reflection is in order.

It does sound that he hasn't moved much on emotionally the way you describe him - but what is different about him since teenagehood? Does he have a fulfilling job? A positive outlook? A good dad to his children?

Laurie yeah I have quirks we all do and I know I'm not perfect but I have at least progressed since I was 15! I don't see anyone I used to know from school, I made new friends. Real friends that I have things in common with NOW.

What's different about him from childhood? not a lot he hates his job (minimum wage, only one he could get), no outlook on life whatsoever (full of big ideas but will never fulfil them as he likes to dream and that's it) and to be honest, isn't a good father either. I'm sure he thinks he is. In some ways he is but I know the only reason he went for custody of his child is because she would bring with her extra benefits. He admitted last time the ex wife went a bit funny and threatened to take her away from him his biggest concern was that he'd lose his housing benefit and child tax credits.

MilfordSound that last post of yours is why you should dump him, not because he has a few weird quirks. He's obviously a particular 'type' of person so let him go and meet someone more like him and I'm sure he won't be stuck.

people live in a way that makes them happy. Nothing wrong with liking the same things you likes 20 years ago. Or having the same friends. It would all have been the norm 50 years ago.

But you aren;t happy with that. Or him.

I can;t believe you really need us all to tell you to finish this

If you were really into him you'd find his headbanding and stupid stuff endearing not annoying. You'd also put up with his mates as it was important to him.

Sounds like you're finding more bits that annoy you in him than you actually like. Move on.

If you feel like this after less than a year, it's not going to get better.

You don't see anyone you knew at school? Why?

I still see many of the people I went to school with, some are 'losers' and some are extremely successful, and I'd really have to think hard to tell you who was what, because they are my friends and I don't judge them for their accomodation, or their income bracket, and I CERTAINLY don't judge them for the way they dance.

You don't sound very mature, and you don't sound very kind.

I think the stuff about him just being interested in his child for the benefits and the reasons he and his previous partner got together/had their child are why you should dump him.

If you don't think he's a good dad to his own child, then he's unlikely to make the grade as a suitable stepdad (if you have dc already) nor a father to dc between you if you got that far.

You might like some bits of him, but I think you thoroughly despise other bits - and that won't get better.

I don't see anyone I used to know from school, I made new friends. Real friends that I have things in common with NOW.

That bit does make you sound quite cold/detached. There is nothing wrong about having friends who you were at school with. It doesnt make them any less than real friends.

You do know you can't change him, don't you? That these - choice of friends, career aspirations, social interaction, attitude towards parenting - are fundamental aspects of his personality and won't go away?

There's nothing wrong with him. He's just not right for you.

There's nothing wrong for you for not liking major parts of him. You're just not into him.