We were using protection, even though I'd been told a few years back that I was showing the signs of going through early menopause. So this pregnancy (nearly six weeks) is a complete surprise.
For a long time, I wanted a second child (I have lovely DS, seven, with whom I have a brilliant relationship), but had pretty much written off the possibility. So in that regard, this pregnancy is a blessing.
But on the other hand, DP and I have been together not quite a full year yet (although I've known him longer). And where I have an amicable relationship with my son's dad, DP goes through hell trying to interact and reason with his ex-wife regarding their three children. On the same day as finding out about this pregnancy, DP received court papers - family court proceedings start in a matter of weeks, to thrash out and formalise the residency/parenting time arrangements for their kids.
So we have the spectre of that hanging over us - plus the prospect that he could have his children more (he already has them almost 50:50) ... which means more time with them here with us, more turning the house upside down with their mess, and more bringing their respective issues from Mum into mine and DS's world (swearing, shouting, etc). I'm fond of them, but I'm no saint and I have my limits and need my space.
On top of all this, DP is unhappy at work and generally low at the moment. Plus his salary just about covers his existing kids' needs - if we have this child together, I'll likely pay for it mostly, which isn't ideal.
DP is happy and excited about the pregnancy, but admits he doesn't know how we'd cope (financially, emotionally, relationship-wise, energy-wise), and also that his mind is full of court and work thoughts - he hasn't given the pregnancy much thought. Meanwhile, I'm getting the first twinges of morning sickness and want a bit of TLC, but it's not forthcoming. I feel we should be excited about expecting, and able to focus on it at least a bit - but it's simply in the background, and DP's maxed out.
He's a lovely dad - I can see him being loving and hands-on with this child. He'd want to be involved. But I'm wondering if our relationship can survive the current stresses, particularly possibly having his children about more, and a part of me is thinking perhaps I should at least consider a termination because, really, it's such truly awful timing; such a messy scenario into which to bring another child.
But another part of me is thinking well, I've been a single mum before and I managed. I'm financially independent. So if the worst happened (i.e. we don't stay together, but baby still comes along), I'd handle it somehow. This might be DS's only chance to have a sibling/my only chance to have a second child. And I'm not sure I could handle the emotional fall-out of a termination.
Again, it's really bad timing.
In a word: turmoil.
WWYD?
Thanks so much for any thoughts.