Pregnant (unplanned) with relatively new DP. So much other stuff/baggage in our lives, it's untrue. WWYD?

[MidnightFeaster]

We were using protection, even though I'd been told a few years back that I was showing the signs of going through early menopause. So this pregnancy (nearly six weeks) is a complete surprise.

For a long time, I wanted a second child (I have lovely DS, seven, with whom I have a brilliant relationship), but had pretty much written off the possibility. So in that regard, this pregnancy is a blessing.

But on the other hand, DP and I have been together not quite a full year yet (although I've known him longer). And where I have an amicable relationship with my son's dad, DP goes through hell trying to interact and reason with his ex-wife regarding their three children. On the same day as finding out about this pregnancy, DP received court papers - family court proceedings start in a matter of weeks, to thrash out and formalise the residency/parenting time arrangements for their kids.

So we have the spectre of that hanging over us - plus the prospect that he could have his children more (he already has them almost 50:50) ... which means more time with them here with us, more turning the house upside down with their mess, and more bringing their respective issues from Mum into mine and DS's world (swearing, shouting, etc). I'm fond of them, but I'm no saint and I have my limits and need my space.

On top of all this, DP is unhappy at work and generally low at the moment. Plus his salary just about covers his existing kids' needs - if we have this child together, I'll likely pay for it mostly, which isn't ideal.

DP is happy and excited about the pregnancy, but admits he doesn't know how we'd cope (financially, emotionally, relationship-wise, energy-wise), and also that his mind is full of court and work thoughts - he hasn't given the pregnancy much thought. Meanwhile, I'm getting the first twinges of morning sickness and want a bit of TLC, but it's not forthcoming. I feel we should be excited about expecting, and able to focus on it at least a bit - but it's simply in the background, and DP's maxed out.

He's a lovely dad - I can see him being loving and hands-on with this child. He'd want to be involved. But I'm wondering if our relationship can survive the current stresses, particularly possibly having his children about more, and a part of me is thinking perhaps I should at least consider a termination because, really, it's such truly awful timing; such a messy scenario into which to bring another child.

But another part of me is thinking well, I've been a single mum before and I managed. I'm financially independent. So if the worst happened (i.e. we don't stay together, but baby still comes along), I'd handle it somehow. This might be DS's only chance to have a sibling/my only chance to have a second child. And I'm not sure I could handle the emotional fall-out of a termination.

Again, it's really bad timing.

In a word: turmoil.

WWYD?

Thanks so much for any thoughts.

there was a thread on here few weeks ago....I don't know if it can be found now but the poor MN had abortion as the family could not afford 3rd child and she was in terrible state....maybe reading it will help you see how hard it can be post termination. I really cried for the MN and I hope she doesn't see this as it is upsetting (sorry OP) but just want you to read the 'rawness' of how if could effect you after.
I too would love a sibling for my ds 7 but this aint going to happen as his SNs prevent me having a minute free to meet anyone. Personally I would love a sibling for ds and at 40 I know I have missed the boat. But everyone's situation is different.

There's no ideal time, as someone said. FWIW I had my unplanned DS when I'd been with my DP for years, but we were in freefall at that point and had pretty much split up. It was about the messiest scenario there could be. I did a lot of agonising over what was best for the child if I brought it into the world etc etc, (not that I was worried about being a single parent at any point), and I made the decision to keep the baby. If you do, it will all work out-ie you will have your beautiful child and they will have you, whether or not you're with the dad. Best decision I ever ever made, but I couldn't see into the future and neither can you. I'd take the leap in your shoes.

It sounds to me as though you do want your baby and that your dp would probably welcome a new child too. I get the impression that a termination would be much more damaging to your family than a baby would. You don't sound like someone who would find a termination acceptable.

Sounds like you are being sensible to consider the stresses in your life which at least means you don't have a rose tinted view of life.
The court issue could get resolved very quickly - if your DP has had regular contact it could simply be a process of documenting contact. We had a similar situation and DP was infront of the judge for no more than 10 minutes. Also you can't live your life according to the reactions of the ex - she chooses how she behaves. I'm glad most comments have been positive - sometimes we see comments on MN that suggest step families shouldn't have additional children if there is any impact on the first family.
I do think you will need to think about the changes to the family and how you will practically manage but I suspect the new baby will be a positive to the other children, rather than a negative. If you have his children more there is also the possibility of more helping hands.

I think you'll do ok - external stresses don't last forever and if your dp and you have good communication skills you will get through it.

OP how would you feel if you terminated this pregnancy for external reasons. Would your relationship survive anyway? Would you then feel a need to ttc asap soon after? You'd be a paragon not to feel resentful after. You are ok with it, your DP is happy with it and DS would have his life enriched. But ultimately it's your decision, based on what is best for you and your DS.

Fwiw my DC was a surprise and I consider him my miracle. I would do it again.

Your words:

• for a long time I've wanted a second child
• if I was a single parent I'd handle it
• I'm not sure I could handle the emotional turmoil of a termination

Nuff said?

Thank you all so much for posting. And sorry it's taken me days to respond. This week has been full-on with being back to work and having relatives to stay. I have grabbed a few minutes here and there to read your responses, though, and they've been comforting and encouraging to read.

Chipping, I thought you summed it up really well, in terms of what could be the worst outcomes if I do/don't have the baby. And solid, I felt bolstered to read your post. We're conditioned to think we have to be with a partner to raise a child - and actually, we don't.

I do think I would cope if I have the baby. My parents live nearby and would help to a degree. But it would be hard. And I am a dragon - really bloody awful - with sleep deprivation, so I worry about how good and loving a parent I could be to the baby, and to DS, in an often exhausted state. I certainly wouldn't have as much support as when DS was born, who has all his grandparents living locally. (DP's family live overseas.)

If I am absolutely honest, I don't see how my relationship with DP can succeed. I don't know if it's because the novelty's worn off/I'm hormonal and feeling especially territorial/his kids aren't mine and I don't love them/it's my home and I need my space/the situation is just generally f*cking hard, but I am really resenting having his kids around at the moment. They're here nearly half the time, and they have their issues due to difficulties with Mum, and they bring that baggage here. They deserve better than my hostility (I'm actually still being decent with them, but I'm not feeling it, IYSWIM).

DS is relishing the peace when DP's kids have gone back to their mum's (as am I). And the kids clash fairly often and, inevitably, DP and I end up standing by our respective kids a fair bit - which is divisive for us as a couple. I've been chatting with my brother about these difficulties, and the pregnancy and everything ... and he has said that, in a nutshell, our "situation is untenable and the chances of it working are remote in the extreme". Bloody great!

But I wonder if he isn't far wrong. Blended families are incredibly hard work. The four kids we have between us are still young and needy. DP has baggage with his ex. We have very little time together minus the kids. And what seems to happen is that little things are said or done that niggle, but can't be addressed there and then because the kids are around, or it's right before bed - and so bad feeling builds up.

It really isn't an ideal situation into which to bring a new baby - you can see why we were using protection to prevent a pregnancy!

So the long and the short of this is that I think in my heart that I will be a single parent again, this time with two children by two different men. DP will be involved and hands-on, and if the situation with his ex is anything to go by, will want 50:50 residency with this baby. So I'll get a break and support ... but it's jolly sad to know that before it's even born, I'll only be seeing this child half the time. Plus the baby does, obviously, link me long-term with DP and his kids (who will be the baby's half-siblings), and at the moment, I feel as though I'd just want to have nothing to do with them if we split.

I also worry enormously about how I will be perceived. I live in a village full of people with seemingly perfect marriages and kids, who gossip and judge a fair bit. I worry about being perceived as some kind of Ulrika Johnson type and being ostracised because of that - and this couldn't be further from the truth. I've even been thinking right, I'll have to move into town and live a pretty anonymous existence for a while! But I love my home. I really do worry about being judged.

Argh. Anyway, that's where things are at. I have my booking-in appointment next week, and will talk to the midwife then about how I feel.

My mum has been amazing. She just listened and let me cry and get it all out, and calmly said she'd support me whatever I do. What a star!

Thank you all again for your support. Plenty to be thinking about.

I just had a friend - an older lady - over for coffee, and told her about the situation. We hadn't caught up since before Christmas, and so I told her about everything else that's going on first - the strains of having DP's children living here, DP's impending family court process, how we've been increasingly clashing as a couple ... and then the pregnancy.

She said she honestly didn't know what to say. She confessed that she'd had a termination when her now twenty-something son was three. She said she knew instantly that she wouldn't have coped with a third child (her son cried pretty much non-stop from birth to age five, and money was extremely tight), and although it was the hardest decision she ever had to make, she knows it was the right one and doesn't regret it.

I'm left thinking maybe I should really be considering a termination still, while there's time. The differences for me are that this could be my last chance to have another child, and she did already have a son and a daughter and knew she could try to conceive again at a later date, with her husband, if the time was right. I don't necessarily have that option. Yet at the moment it feels so inevitable that my relationship with DP won't work out, and so choosing to keep the baby would mean knowingly opting for a complicated life with two children with two non-resident dads, at a time of economic instability (if I lost my job, I'd be f*cked after a few months, once my emergency fund was used up), still having to be in regular contact with both men ...

I really don't know what to do. :(

I suppose the stark choice is:

A. single mum of 2 (with possibly complicated relationships with 2 exes)
B. single mum of 1 (with possibly complicated relationships with 1 ex)
C. partnered mum of 1 (with definitely complicated relationships with 1 ex and step dcs)

You probably can't tell if A,B or C would make you happier. But you really are thinking of ALL the worst case scenarios at once. Remember there may be some best case scenarios too.
A. You may love being a mum of 2. Your relationship with your dp may not go pear shaped. He may be a supportive full or part time father. (And who gives a flying fig what the village busybodies gossip about?)

Oops not finished my ABC...

B. You may love being a single mum of 1, get a great new job, meet a lovely new man, join a circus...
C. You may somehow make it work with your bigger family. New dp's ex may decide to take the sdcs a little more. You might be a big and happy blended family and your new dc may benefit from having half sibs on both sides of his/her family that he/she spends lots of time with.

Hi, it's bloody hard isn't it. I don't know what you should do, I only know what I would do. I would keep the baby, but right now I'd keep anyone's baby if only they'd hand it over, so I'm possibly not the best person to help you decide.

I have to say though, I think you have to see what is the worst thing that could happen if you have a termination and the worst thing if you don't and decide which you would cope with the best.

Keep posting - it may all become clear to you just writing it down here.
x

Hi op,

Such a lot going on, and you have been doing some pretty indepth analysis both here and in RL. Sometimes when that happens it's very easy to focus on the negatives and spiral into a bit of a state.

So let's try to think of the positives that could happen if you keep the baby:

You have 8 months or so to try and save some money to boost your emergency funds before the baby is born.

You have done this before, so have the experience to cope financially (if I did it all again i'd be getting DS stuff on ebay, freecycle etc and not pissing cash away in Daisy & Tom on brand new Bugaboo pushchairs and Stokke high chairs etc)

You have a wonderful sounding mum, who has already said she'll support you. If you've identified sleep as a factor then get a strategy in place - e.g I am going to learn to express breast milk and get my baby used to a bottle so that mum can have him one night a week, or an afternoon while I catch up on sleep.

You will have joint custody of your child with partner if you decide to separate - this means that you get 50% chance to rest, sleep, earn money, and importantly spend quality time with your DS. A little breathing space is a good thing IMHO. There were times when my DH was in the Army and away for months on end that I felt it would be easier if he was just separated from me at least I would get 1 or 2 days a months to myself!

Your DP is fighting to make his DC's life better, you know he is a good father who will do his best for a child. He sounds like a good egg in this respect, he's just in a negative situation at present.

You are already weighing up your relationship with your DP, and where it will go, if you can work it out and stick together great, if not, then you have the advantage of sorting out the situation now before potential birth. This means that a child is born into a situation and knows no different, rather than being stuck in the middle of a messy split when he/she is emotionally aware?

You don't feel anything for the DSC at the moment and they are having a negative impact on your life. Of course they are, why wouldn't they? Their life is probably a bit of a nightmare at the moment, they see their dad spending time with your DS and their mother, who should be their rock, is someone they can't rely on. So they are acting like little shits at the moment, and why would that endure you to them? But you are an adult and so is your DP, you can try and see it from their side, and you can take some time to discuss boundaries and feelings. This is something you can work to overcome. After the court ruling there is family counselling, relate, all kinds of support to try and make it work. And there would be a baby to connect them to your DS.

There are worse people to be compared to than Ulrika Jonsson. Google "Ulrika Jonsson is a bad mother". Nothing comes up!

People that gossip are usually a little envious of others and have a little too much time on their hands...once you shut your front door it's your business. Are you close enough to them that you really care about their opinions? Hold your head high knowing that whatever decision you take, you have put measured thought into it and done the best you could do.

I wish you all the best op, I really do. You seem like a very nice person x

Thank you Slambang, Chipping and Bin for taking the time to post.

You're right: I am being very negative, aren't I? I suppose I'm probably a bit low - momentarily depressed? - because it's a shock, it isn't planned, I'm mindful of how non-ideal the situation is, etc. So yes, I'm focusing on the worst-case scenarios. It's helpful to read your more positive takes on the situation, though. And Chipping, I do think it's a great idea of yours, to think which worst-case scenario would I cope with best of all.

I have booked an unplanned pregnancy counselling session with Marie Stopes for Monday morning, so am hoping that will be helpful.

DP and I have talked a bit this weekend. My gut feeling is that it can't really work out long-term (again - being negative!). I was already having doubts in the run-up to Christmas - before realising I had fallen pregnant. Even without the kids around this weekend - and the dynamic between them unquestionably puts us under a fair bit of strain - we are just struggling to connect. I try to explain how I'm feeling/what's bothering me, and he doesn't seem to get it. I have said that because my relationship with DS's dad failed, and because his relationship with his ex-wife was/is awful - and neither of us wants a relationship like our parents have - that it's really important to me to re-write the way we do relationships. If we don't, history will end up repeating itself.

I think relationships take work, effort - they shouldn't be laborious, but it should be automatic to want to invest a bit of thoughtfulness, caring, kindness, etc. You become and stay fit by keeping on going to the gym; not by going for a jog twice a year. The effort and investment needs to be ongoing. We need to think about how we interact and fine-tune it to improve the odds of us working together. But DP says the idea/thought of this - working on a relationship and learning about relationships - is all a bit weird to him; he's just not really on board with making much effort with us.

I said I think about things a fair bit - probably too much sometimes - but at least I'm mindful of what I want, what I'm bringing to the feast, how I might be coming across. DP says he just doesn't really think about things ... and I'm thinking he needs to; he needs to have at least a bit of self-awareness, following his dreadful previous relationship, to be able to take stock and be able to make a different kind of relationship for himself in the future. I'm not holding my breath.

Anyway, I'm leaning towards having the baby nonetheless. I have managed on my own before and I could manage again - and yes, as one of you have said, it would have to involve lots of second-hand purchases/borrowed things, because money would be tight. DP is able to contribute next to nothing - which actually makes me a bit cross. He wants to proceed with the pregnancy - but he can't really support this child.

I'm hoping, after talking to Marie Stopes tomorrow, that I'll feel more certain about a decision.

In the meantime, I feel horribly nauseous; I've spent a lot of the weekend lying down when I've wanted to be busy doing things. Everything smells awful and turns my stomach ... so I suppose these are good signs?! I may have to tell work, though. I can't spend all my time at work putting my energy and efforts into simply trying not to be sick. They might let me work from home. So while it's early days and I'd rather not be telling work just yet, it may be necessary for me to be able to function work-wise, and for them not to think I'm being useless and letting them down.

Thank you all again for your support. I really do appreciate it. I'm feeling that whatever happens, I'll handle it - just!

I don't like the sound of your partner, to be honest.

It's all very well for him to say he wants you two to stay together and for you to have the baby, but your sacrifice is a million times what his is.

I wouldn't want to have the children there either - not ANY children, just the children you describe. I like to have a peaceful house, not one where other people's children are rampaging around. And yes, I've put my money where my mouth is and not got involved with someone with children like that.

He wants you to support the baby financially but will want to have it 50% of the time? Bloody cheek. Actually I would never have a baby knowing in advance that he/she'd be with someone else for 50% of the time. Never, ever, ever.

I know what I'd do and that's cut loose from this man and have an abortion. I wouldn't want a lifelong connection with him and his family and I wouldn't want to fund his lifestyle. I'm sorry this sounds really harsh. I'm sure if you'd met him before either of you were involved with others, then you would have been fine, but to be frank his family (including his ex, with whom you'll have contact for the rest of your life) are a nightmare.

Midnight

Best of luck tomorrow, I hope it provides some clarity.

You asked WWWD, so I'll tell you - I'd have the baby. I've had a termination before and don't feel the slightest regret or guilt about it, but if I got accidentally pregnant when I wanted another child and had reason to doubt my future fertility, I'd go for it.

Chipping's advice to imagine yourself in the worst of each scenarios is good, but I think you should also imagine the best of each scenario - what will make you happiest? What future life for you (and your DS) makes you feel the most hopeful/excited/happy?

I think your relationship with your DP is an entirely separate issue, really. The pregnancy is a fact that has to be considered regardless of your relationship, and it's the more important, so I would make that decision first.

What you say about your conversation with your DP and his willingness to be thoughtful and deliberate in your relationship doesn't sound great. I don't know a great deal about stepfamilies, but it does seem that a lot of extra effort is required to make them work for all involved.

I don't think a "love will see us through" careless (romantic?) attitude will really work here. You guys can't bring up your children together unless you are on the same page about parenting.

I have no comment on you feeling judged, other than that you should try to ignore whatever part of you thinks there is anything to judge harshly. Having two children by two fathers that have good relationships with their fathers shows good judgement. Getting pregnant by accident is not a failing - and your thoughtfulness about how to proceed is really impressive.

You sound like a great Mum and a wonderful woman and I wish you all the best whatever you decide :)

Thanks for posting, Imperial.

All valid points. I think I've said it a few times, but I'll say it again: you can see why we were taking measures to prevent a pregnancy.

I like a peaceful house too, which is why at the moment I'm dreading, ooh, six days out of each fortnight. I handled it better at first, as I did say I'd give it a go - and I really did. But I am finding it hard; too hard. I feel as though I'm having to put out a lot, compromise what I want more than I'd like, etc. They're not my children, so I'm a lot less forgiving of their not-so-great behaviour than I would like to be able to be/than they perhaps deserve.

Would you still feel sure about cutting loose and having a termination even if you knew this was probably your last chance to have a second child? (I always wanted two.) DS has no siblings, and just two cousins, both of whom live overseas. I wonder if it could be nice for him; worth the imperfections and "unidealness" for that.

But yes, I too struggle with knowing that even before it is born, I will parent it only half the time. No one has a child (I would have thought) with the intention of being a half-time parent from the get go.

DP wouldn't expect me to fund his lifestyle. He simply doesn't earn enough to provide much for this child. He has said he would split his income four ways instead of three to provide what he can, but that won't be much beyond contributing towards basic feeding and clothing. He can't afford for his children to do any extra-curricular stuff (their maternal grandparents help out a lot financially with uniforms, school trips and school meals, for example). I have always saved for DS to go to university, and would want another child to have this same opportunity - and so I alone would be funding that, for example, plus anything else beyond the very basics. Plus my maternity leave: DP can't afford to support me while on maternity leave, so if I'd want to take more than six weeks off (which I would), I'd need to be able to fund that time myself. Of course none of this is ideal.

Luckily I have some savings, and a healthy emergency fund. But it's not great, is it? I don't see how I wouldn't become resentful if I'm funding so much of this little addition to our lives. I think I'd feel less resentful if we weren't together though.

The other thing I worry about is, if I go ahead and have this baby, and DP and I separate, in the future, will I be able to find a decent chap who'd even consider having a relationship with me? I don't want to spend most of my thirties/forties without that dimension in my life - although it goes without saying that, if it can't be a good relationship, it's not worth being in any relationship.

Anyway, thanks again Imperial. As I said, you make some valid points. Food for thought.

And thank you, too, AThingInYourLife. I cross-posted with you. I'm a bit tied up just at the moment - will respond as soon as I can.

Don't get too caught up in this 50:50 thing. He can't force you to do that. If you don't want to, DON'T! Have you considered not giving him parental rights, if you think he is going to make your life difficult?

Being a co-parent is not "being a half-time parent".

You will both be full-time parents, just not together and not often simultaneously (presuming you split).

If he's a good Dad (and you say he is) and if you guys can maintain a productive and co-operative parenting relationship, you will be as far from a "half-time parent" as I am.

I would have thought that ideally you would expect to do half the parenting. I know that's all I do, and DH and I are very happy together.

What age are you? I thought you felt you were in the last chance saloon, age-wise, but then you say "most of my thirties..." which indicates you're in your early 30s.

I think you'll find it a lot easier to find someone new with just one child than you would with your son and a baby.

When I said "funding his lifestyle", I didn't mean you'd be buying his food etc, but by funding the baby virtually 100%, a baby which he wants, you are funding his lifestyle.

If you have the new baby 50% of the time, then how would that pan out with your DS?

If you still have a few years ahead of you then please think again about this pregnancy. Who told you you were entering an early menopause? Did you have tests?

Thank you for your further posts.

AThingInYourLife, what future do I imagine for DS and I? I suppose, because I know him and our relationship, I see a positive one: I have time for him. We have fun together. We go on trips out. We talk lots - hang out. Another child in this equation could compromise this future, because I don't know them, how easy/difficult they might be, if they might have special needs, etc. But I never can know that without taking the plunge.

The future I was imagining before I got this news was bright. It took years to separate my finances and disentangle my life from DS's dad, and I was heading into 2012 with a fresh start and a spring in my step. I am now financially independent - not just from DS's dad (we had shared business interests which dragged out our financial split), but supporting DS and I myself. I have a new permanent contract at work. I own my own home. DP lives with us, yes, but we had said we would trial this for six months, and I had the assurance - if it didn't work out - that we'd live separately from the spring. I earn enough money to save. As DS is getting older and my hours with work have found a balance, some time has freed up for me to take up interests that I hadn't pursued since before DS was born. And - I know it's a little thing - I've bought a new TV for my room, to do an exercise DVD in the morning when I wake up, to get fitter!

As it is, I feel horribly sick and have spent most of the last three days on the sofa, and if my pregnancy with DS was anything to go by, I'll be here for the next couple of months. The exercise DVD, trips out with DS, an easy disconnection from DP if I feel it's the right way forward - all of these things are now immediately compromised/complicated. And I feel miserable about this. I feel like I'm losing some of my new-found freedom and control and independence - which I suppose I am by feeling rotten with nausea at the moment, but also I will be for some time to come, with a newborn/baby/toddler to care for over the next few years.

And you're right about being full-time parents, regardless of whether we have our children in our care 50:50 or not. That was clumsy phrasing on my part. DS's dad and I are full-time co-parents, even though DS is with me more often than not. I think what I was getting at is that while I would value the break from caring for a baby, I would inevitably miss my DC. DS spent a whole weekend with his dad for the first time in ages, this weekend just gone, and I missed him terribly ... and he's with me most days! 50:50 would be a shock. With DS, I do way more than half the parenting, by virtue of how often DS is with me compared to with his dad.

Imperial, I'm nearly 34. I know that's not past it in getting-pregnant terms, but it doesn't allow much time to get over a failed relationship (assuming this one ends), find a new partner, be with them for (ideally) a few years, then TTC. I could be nearly 40 which, with a history of anovular (non-ovulating cycles) and a diagnosis (for a while) of early menopause, doesn't make conception odds look great if I give up on this pregnancy and wait and cross my fingers.

The thing is, although a part of me wanted/wants a second child, I haven't planned this one, with DP, now. Maybe for a lot of us life can't be that planned. But I think I must be grieving for how I thought my year/next few years would pan out, and with DS.

The Marie Stopes counsellor was very nice. He just listened and made some sensitive suggestions. I blubbed to him - and then to Mum. Mum came over and cleared up my kitchen while I laid on the sofa nibbling crackers! She's just wonderful.

Really, I still don't know what to do. The counsellor said to try to clear my thoughts so I'm left with a gut feeling. So that's what I'm going to try to do this week.

Thank you all again for posting.

How's it going, OP?

Just seen your follow-up post, MysteriousHamster. Thanks for checking in.

After a week feeling paralysed by indecision last week, as the weekend approached, I began to feel like I know what I want to do, and that feeling has strengthened over the weekend. I have decided to end the pregnancy.

I realised that while I'd always wanted two children, I'd not wanted two children at any cost - and not like this, in these circumstances, with these pressures.

As last week progressed, it became apparent how utterly unsupportive DP is - he wouldn't bring me a bowl of cereal in bed (30 seconds!) in the morning because he didn't have time (I had that need-to-eat-before-I-get-up feeling). He didn't call/text/check in all day one day, until he responded to a text of mine at 10pm at night - even though he knew I felt so rough with morning sickness (I did when expecting DS, too) and was laid up on the sofa for the day. I have felt very alone in this short pregnancy, and in working out what to do for the best.

My mum and dad, and a few close friends, have been amazing - not telling me what to do, but working through my options with me, the realities of the kind of life I might be looking at, based on each decision option. And then by Friday, I just knew. I don't want a baby with this man, and not right now. I felt so worried I wouldn't really cope, that DS would suffer, that it would put too much of a burden on my mum (who has other caring responsibilities), that I wouldn't be able to afford it (I worked out that just to be on maternity leave, I'd need to fund myself to the tune of £10,000 out of savings!), that I'd forever more feel on the back foot, and that I'd be ripe for post-natal depression - which would be miserable for me and not great for DS (or the baby). A friend said it would be much better to make a good job of the little family unit I've got (i.e. DS and me), which I've got to the point of ticking over nicely, than go under with three of us in the equation. And I think she's right.

It's not been easy reaching this decision - and a week ago, I wouldn't have been able to imagine I'd be feeling this way a week on. But I'm as sure as I can be, and hope to have received treatment by the weekend. My initial medical consultation is tomorrow.

(As for the relationship/living arrangement, I think it's likely that I will be suggesting to DP that he and his children move out when they are able to.)

It sounds like it's been a tough time, but that you're approaching it with a clear head.

I'm angry at how lazy and unthinking your 'D'P is!

Best of luck. I have every hope that you will be able to meet someone decent and have another child if you choose to.

Hey there, you sound strong thats a good thing, you are going into this having thought of all the options, having read your thread I'd say you have made the right decision.

Good luck to you and much good wishes for the future x