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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in denial? I need some advice.

58 replies

WomanDriver · 02/01/2012 19:15

I'm sorry to trouble you all but I just really need someone to talk to because I feel so isolated right now.
I have two children and live far away from my family with my dp in London. I think I Am in denial that I am in an abusive relationship.
It all came to a head new years eve, my parents have taken my kids on a skiing holiday to give me a break after Xmas.

Me and dp spent ny with friends and he got really drunk (which is how this usually starts) when we got home he started telling me that I was not good enough for him, I ignored it and went to sleep.
I suffer really badly with reoccurring cystitis and this has affected my kidneys badly and have been in and out of hospital with serious kidney infections. I woke up ny day with really bad cystitis and felt really down.
I spent the day in bed and my partner kept hounding me for sex all day even though he knew it would make my cys. Worse. In the end I gave in. Then later that night I was feeling so poorly and trying to get to sleep he turns round and just says "give me a handjob now". I was so disgusted he spoke to me like that I stayed in the bathroom until he was asleep.

Today I have woken up with horrendous kidney pains which means the infection has spread, I can barely move. I asked him to cook dinner and he refused and I just snapped and started having a go at him about the past few days. He was dismissive and refused to apologise so in frustration I threw a pillow in his general direction but it missed him. He then grabbed me and started throwing me around the bedroom calling me a stupid bitch.

He has now told me to get out of his house and not come back until the kids come back. This is both of our house though. To get him to leave me alone I asked him to leave the bedroom so I could get changed to go and I've locked the door.
I have nowhere to go and don't want to leave. The door is locked to the bedroom and I know he won't kick it down because we will lose our deposit. Shall I just stay in this room and not come out? I don't know what to do. He has my phone downstairs so I can't contact anyone.
I'm sorry for the long post, I don't really know what I wanted you guys to say I just needed to get this off my chest as I have no one to talk to.

OP posts:

greenplastictrees · 02/01/2012 19:31

I really think the police may be your best bet. I expect they would ask him to leave. This will give you a chance to figure out what you want to do tomorrow. You can decide if you want to stay and enlist support of a trusted friend or leave and travel to stay with a friend further afield.

pinkyp · 02/01/2012 19:32

Phone the police. He attacked you.

OlympicEater · 02/01/2012 19:33

Cross posted - don't feel embarassed - if anyone I knew even slightly was in this situation I would help in a heartbeat as would most people. Please seek help.

Original poster

WomanDriver · 02/01/2012 19:34

I've got my brother on fb and he is coming in a taxi to get me. No one in my family knows my partner is like this so my bro is very confused. I'm so. Mortified that I will have to explain this to him. Thank you for helping me so far, just have to get out of this house. I know I do for the sake of my kids

OP posts:

greenplastictrees · 02/01/2012 19:34

I know it's easier said than done but dnt feel humiliated. How would you feel if a friend or acquaintance told you they were in your situaton right now. Would you want to help them? Would you think any worse of them? I expect you'd feel supportive and want to help them in anyway you can

OlympicEater · 02/01/2012 19:34

Presumably the friends that you were with on NY are nearby? Can you contact them?

altinkum · 02/01/2012 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenplastictrees · 02/01/2012 19:35

Cross post. Well done. You have 100% done the right thing in contacting your brother.

OlympicEater · 02/01/2012 19:35

Glad your brother is coming for you.

You should not feel mortified about his behaviour, but he bloody well should

ILoveSanta · 02/01/2012 19:36

You have nothing to be mortified about. Your brother will be glad you contacted him.

Don't go back 'home' when the kids get back. Can you stay with your parents when they get back?

Well done for getting your brother to command get you.

Get all your and the kids important bits together so that you know you have them, and don't forget to contact the police. You need this documented.

ILoveSanta · 02/01/2012 19:37

altinkum she threw a pillow which missed, it's hardly even in the same league!

hellhasnofury · 02/01/2012 19:37

Well done for contacting your brother you have absolutely done the right thing. I hope you feel better soon.

lizziebennet · 02/01/2012 19:37

Good. Well done, you've been really brave . You have nothing to feel mortified about, your husband does. Now pack a bag so you are ready when he comes.

Best of luck

greenplastictrees · 02/01/2012 19:37

Agree with ilovesanta. Not the same at all.

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 02/01/2012 19:38

Families are there for you. He'll be worried, there's no need to be embarassed. I really would call the police as your husband has assaulted you. I'd also contact womens aid. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Don't let him get away with it.

Original poster

WomanDriver · 02/01/2012 19:40

Thank you all for advice, this just is something that I never saw happening to me. I feel humiliated because I moved my kids away from my family to. Be in London and start a fresh on this relationship. My parents begged me not to and I ignored them. I feel like I have fucked up my kids lives because now we have to. Leave a lovely home and god knows what happens now. My poor kids have been pushed from pillar to post because of my stupidity.

OP posts:

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 02/01/2012 19:40

You need to tell the police that he hounded you all day for sex. 'No' means 'no', not 'keep hounding me until I give in.'

lizziebennet · 02/01/2012 19:42

No, you are doing your best for your kids now. Your family just love you, they aren't there to judge.

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 02/01/2012 19:42

You're doing something about it WomanDriver. It takes a lot of courage to do this, you should be proud. You weren't to know what your life would be like. Take some time and start again. Womens Aid can really help you.

ballstoit · 02/01/2012 19:42

Your DC will recover when you've managed to get away from your DP. You haven't ruined their lives, but you do need to protect them and yourself now.

Please let us know when you're safe.

altinkum · 02/01/2012 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatPussRoastingByAnOpenFire · 02/01/2012 19:43

Right. Im pretty sure that from what has been said on this type of thread before, and someone please correct me if Im wrong, that your husband cannot legally bar you from the house. If you wish to return, and he wont let you in, take the police.
Leave now, you can assess the situation from a safe distance, when you are feeling better/safer. Take as many of your personal documents as you can lay your hands on, bank and car related, and passports for yourself and the Dcs. If you are on a laptop, take that too. Go to the nearest police station, and report the incident. Then get yourself to your parents. (I think that if you have a joint account, then you need to speak to the bank and address your financial situation asap to ensure that H cant empty the account, leaving bills unpaid.)
YOU CAN DO THIS! Remove yourself to a place of safety. Our support goes with you. x

hellhasnofury · 02/01/2012 19:44

It might not feel like it now but your children will recover from this (probably much more quickly than you will). It would be far more damaging to grow up in a home where a man has no respect for the woman he lives with.

AbbyAbsinthe · 02/01/2012 19:44

You are being very brave, I'm so glad someone is coming to get you. What are you going to do next, are you going to call the police?

Original poster

WomanDriver · 02/01/2012 19:45

It's not so much me being brave, I am so relieved that I posted on here because my adrenalin was still going (iykwim) so I was rash and contacted someone quickly. If I hadn't of done it then I know I never would of and it would have stayed secret. I am waiting for my bro now so I won't be able to update everyone till later. But I am so grateful for your advicesp. Thank you. So much.

OP posts:

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