Not sure if I'm just too sensitive, or if he's being horrible

[backtodarkagain]

Namechanging, as I've suffered a tremendous devastating loss of a child, and this is rather trivial, so don't want to be flamed for thinking about such stuff when grieving, but still need to work out whether this is adding to my misery.

I dyed my hair the other day (was blonde, but is now back to my natural dark colour again). DH said (post-coital cuddling) how much better it looked. I was pleased, and said that I needed the boost that trying to look more attractive brought; he then replied that the colour doesn't make me look more attractive, just more "intelligent". I was a bit stunned, and said I'd hoped it'd make me look more attractive and sexy, but again - "nope, it just makes you look more intelligent, which you should be pleased about".

So, I'm overthinking this, but this means that I must have looked like a retard with lighter hair, or I just can't do anything to look better - I mean... intelligent - really? Somehow it doesn't feel like a compliment, it feels like... I don't know really, but not the response I wanted.

Secondly. He never gives me oral anymore. Not a sniff, not a single lick, zilch!

It wouldn't necessarily worry me, as I've had men not like it before, but he used to love doing it, saying it would devastate him if I didn't want it.

He first stopped doing it when pregnant with our first child (he couldn't see my face as my belly was large), then we were tired, then I got pregnant again. So now I'm not pregnant (had baby 3 months ago and she died), I'm clean down there, I shave etc, but still he won't. I've always given him BJs though.

I gave him oral last night, he said it was the best blowjob ever, he then brought me off manually.

So I ask him, I tell him it's fine if he doesn;t want to, but not to BS me. He said he'd do it if I step straight out of the shower, as he hates the smell of wee (I must add he's only ever given me oral after bathing, so he can;t claim that about me). Yet, when I do bathe/shower, he's "not in the mood", so how the hell do I win?

He's admitted that he's given oral to his ex fuck buddy, & the women he & his ex had threesomes with, but this was due to him being turned on, and "into them, and loving giving a woman oral".

I know all this is trivial compared to what we've lost, but I'm thinking of leaving (for other reasons), and just wondered if the comments about hair colour, and readily admitting to loving oral, but refusing to give it to me, is just his way of saying he's not into me anymore?

I am sorry I find your use of the word retard offensive, I am sure you did not mean to cause any offence and I am sorry for hijacking this thread. If however you could not use this word in this context again I would be grateful.

I think it was crass of him to use the word intelligent, he maybe thinks that he you already know he thinks you are gorgeous.

Re the oral I think its cos you lost the baby and he is scared, cant think of any reason other than that why he wouldn't.

I never find the word retard offensive. So don't worry not everyone is politically correct about everything.

Your feelings are your own. It's something you have regardless of what you lose and so they are hugely important. One of the last straws in my marriage was me dying my hair and my ex upsetting me with his reaction and it was sufficient to be one of the pieces of evidence for my divorce.

However, you are grieving and I'd suggest holding off making any extreme decisions right now.

I don't think it matters why you feel upset, having dealt with a huge grief does not suddenly make you immune to small upsets. You may be being sensitive but I think you should talk to him about it.
When dh and I were struggling because of ds2s diagnosis with lifelong disability it became really easy for us to misinterpret each other. Trying to get past that and be honest was the reason our marriage survived that terrible time.

And fwiw yes, I find retard offensive too. And it has nothing to do with being pc, it is to do with not liking people using foul terms about my son.
People who use 'pc born mad' as justification for being crass wankers are still just crass wankers

less intelligent than more intelligent = retarded? yes - very sensitive. it's not the hair is it, it's the oral. You're hurting and you're looking for things to lash out over, it seems to me, and that's not going to help you. Address your grieving. Attend to it, together and separately, and see where you are in a year.
And please don't use retard like that again. It really does suggest less intelligence than you might wish to show you have.

I suspect if you felt secure with him you wouldn't have been bothered by the remark.

But, the fact you asked him to qualify it with whether it made you more attractive and he dismissed that is not nice. The oral sex stuff sounds a bit controlling too.

FC, it is very offensive. Perhaps you could take my word for it and try and think why it might be. Pleanty of harmless alternatives.

Perhaps then Fabby you could suggest a word that has no historic baggage and apart from america is no longer in common usage. The fact that you are not offended Fabby is not the point I am and so are others so you will continue to offend people deliberetly and with malice?

Sorry for causing offence, though DH has actually called me a retard, so I guess I was inadvertently using his terminology. He quite often calls me that & stupid, and dumb, and childish.

The oral sex thing hasn't started since I lost our baby (it was a baby we lost, just in case I wrote it wrong, as I'm not in a good state of mind at the moment), he hasn't had oral with me since I got pregnant with our first child, though as I said, he still maintains he loves it, and it's one of his favourite things, so I guess I'm now wondering if it's just that he;s not into me.

The hair thing - no I don't think he does find me gorgeous. Yes i'm more attractive that his exes (and I say that suffering from shocking low esteem), but he told me that he loved his ex wife more than me, and would be with her if she hadn't left him, which again, makes me feel shit.

I just don't get the intelligence comment, it's just bizarre, especially as he knew it upset me.

We;re just not compatible, and I spend all day crying (and did before our second child died). I've posted on here before about things, but just wondered if anyone else would worry about these small things, taken in isolation from the bigger problems we have

With respect though my use of the word was unintentional and not designed to cause offence BUT my use of that word can NEVER, EVER be as painful to you, than burying my child was, and still is to me

I don't think anyone would compare different kinds of grief would they

I of course accept your apology and I did say that I thought you would not have used it deliberetly if you knew it caused offence. I too apologise again for hijacking this thread and agree your pain is huge at the moment and that is why you need others to be respectful and considerate.

Your DH sounds like he is causing you lots of emotional pain, I would sugest that if this is to be helped it needs to be addressed along with the oral and the hair comments.

leverette thanks, yes I do wonder, he knows how rubbish I am.

Sorry again if I caused offence, my use of language was clumsy, but it wasn't designed to cause offence.

He sounds like a complete bastard calling you a retard and stupid, and dumb, and childish. Then he tells you he loves his ex more than he loves you?

Also the thing about you looking more intelligent with brown hair as if your brainpower resides in your hair colour - what a wanker. He's the idiot saying that.

No you aren't being oversensitive, he is treating you terribly.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think suffering something so devastating means you have to put up with maltreatment though.

notthefullshilling thanks, sorry as I said I really wasn't thinking, had a shit day, visited the cememtery, trying to distract myself by trying to make myself feel better with changing my hair, buying nice undies etc, and then feel like shit. Also really upset, and as I've said my language was clumsy.

It was DH that wanted me to dye my hair darker, so I'm confused as to his comments, I just don't understand why he'd say the colour made me look more intelligent - it's not exactly the compliment a woman wants to hear

pagwatch I know I'm being really dense here, but I don't quite get what you mean? Obviously dark hair doesn't work lol

Ditto. You are not rubbish.
The fact that he regularly calls you names is awful and makes his comment about your hair making you look more intelligent much worse.

there is obviously a hell of a lot of resentment going very deep here about what he does and doesnt do, and none of it concerned with sex

you probably both need professional help

Backtodark

I think we are talking at cross purposes. I just didn't understand why you were commenting about whether it is worse to have your child called names or to lose a child - because I couldn't see what on earth could have prompted it. Or why anyone would reference such an awful thing.

But it doesn't matter - your thread has been sidetracked enough. I think you have some relevant responses far more with your attention.

As I said I've posted about things before, but I just wondered, if in isolation from the other things (which are more serious), these things alone would cause concern. I wondered if it was how I looked at things, and I twisted things (which my mum told him I do, and of course he now states this as fact).

Funnily enough he asked if I wanted to go to Tesco today. I said yes, and then asked what time he wanted to go, he then said that he didn't, it was me that did? I'm just totally confused at the moment :(