Asked Husband to leave on Saturday after finally getting proof of affair (Happy New Year)

[KirstyWirsty]

I posted in October that I thought my husband was having an affair even though he denied it and said he never went anywhere .. on here I was told in big organisations they nip away and have fly days off ... Well whoever said that was bang on!!!

We went for counselling and everything seemed to be better but I found a card that he had written to the OW protesting his love and devotion and proclaiming the intimate time they shared. I confronted him and he spilled his guts.. Has been going on since April .. she's just turned 30 and married .. He's going to be 40 this year.. he'd been on fake training, fake conferences (one while we were going through counselling) , fake shopping trips ...

I asked him to move out and after initial refusal he's moved to his mum's (the OW is still living with her husband) Apparently me finding the card has forced a change a bit earlier than they were planning .. they were going to move in together once he got the bottle to break it to me

He wants to have 50% custody of our 6 year old DD .. but has promised that she will not be exposed to the OW

Anyone got any good advice for me?? He's coming over tonight to discuss finances

lawyer up.

He is entitled to joint custody, but if he works full time, how will that happen without the OW looking after the child....will she move out in the 3 days he has DD at home - its not feasible in the short term.

What Hattie said. Sorry haven't got anything more useful to say myself but get on to a good solicitor first thing tomorrow op. And good luck!

You need to get yourself a solicitor pretty damn quick.

Discuss options tonight but dont agree to commit to anything tonight. I would be inclined to play my cards close to my chest at this stage until I had spoken to a solicitor. Just be aware that if tonight you verbally agree to one arrangement and then seek advice from a solicitor and he/she advises you could expect more then going back to your husband and then suggesting/asking/demanding it is going to cause bad feeling. I would use tonight to get a feel of how he thinks/wants things to pan out and say very little yourself, just be as polite and un emotional as possible and say Ok I take that on board but you know I need to think about it, then take what you have learnt to your solicitor and get advice.

Sorry you are going through this.

Don't agree to anything until you have run it passed legal minds. Even the nicest 'I will give you everything in the divorce' men can suddenly turn into wankers.

Expect him to play dirty. Expect him to introduce your child to the OW. He made promises to you with his wedding vows, looked how he kept them!! He is a proven liar. He lied to your face while going through counselling when he was planning on dumping you for OW.

Expect OW to decide she is staying with her H and your H to come crawling back saying he is sorry it was really you he wanted blah blah blah.

Do not trust anything he says.

Do not try and be fair or understanding. He will not be. Make sure you get everything you are entitled to in order to support yourself and your child.

Just read your other thread. A pat on the back to you for those incredible instincts and intuition, because you even got the month this started, spot-on.

See a lawyer as quickly as possible, but bear in mind that although shared residence is in many ways ideal, some people propose it because they have found out that it means paying less money and so their motivations are not primarily about co-parenting their children, but to hang on to their money.

Does the OW's H know?

my only advice would be... don't be amicable. 50% custody of the child you gave birth to because he fucked up?! Doesn't sound right to me at all.

I agree do not commit to anything regarding finances or access/custody.

I would use the discussion to find out what he expects/thinks is reasonable etc, and then see a solicitor ASAP to find out exactly where you stand legally.

I also would not allow him to remove anything from the property, with the exception of is passport and clothes cut up into tiny pieces. Especially do not let him remove any financial documents re bank/pension/shares etc

;.Keep the upper hand, and protect yourself financially.

Sorry this has happened OP, you sound very strong and together - I hope you get a bloody good solicitor and lots of RL support.

Oh and I know you're not supposed to but I would be getting the locks changed straight away.

All the best.

if you want to go for 50/50 custody, then do (if you feel it would serve the dc best, of course)

I am pretty sure, if I were ever to split with my H, I would be pushing for large childfree chunks of time, so I could rebuild my life go out and have some fun and not be the one left with all the responsibility

I am sorry it has come to this, but women's instincts are usually spot on...the problems arise when you try and ignore them

do not agree to anything tonight, be non-committal but take notes and share his musings with a good solicitor who will probably rewrite them completely to make sure you get what is owed to you

all the best x

So sorry - that must be a real head fuck but at least you know you weren't going insane and that your instincts were right after all.

I am with AF re 50:50 access for childcare - there was no way I was going to be tied down with the kids, I needed child free time in order to rebuild my life. But aware though that many men push for this because of finances - it sounds like your H has planned everything so I would see a solicitor ASAP in order to gain control of the situation.

don't be amicable. 50% custody of the child you gave birth to because he fucked up?! Doesn't sound right to me at all

what a strange and horrible attitude

a child isnt a pawn, a bargaining tool or a way to extract revenge over a failed relationship. A child is created by two people, yes two people, and has the right to have a loving and close relationship with both of those parents, regardless of whether they are able to like each other or not

sakura a child isnt a tool to punish somebody with... or an object to fight over for that matter. 50/50 is pretty much ALWAYS the right outcome.

x posts!

Very sorry. Only piece of advice on top of what has been said so far: take all financial documents and all family docs (e.g. passports, birth certs etc) and have them photocopied this afternoon before you see him, just in case you don't manage to hold on to them tonight.

don't be amicable. 50% custody of the child you gave birth to because he fucked up?! Doesn't sound right to me at all.
Really ugly attitude. Un-amicable dirty divorces are distressing to children in the short-term and massively damaging in the long term - what kind of loving parent would think this was an OK thing to do to a child? Yes, he has fucked up in a relationship with the OP, but it is not OK to suggest that he be 'punished' for that with child as a pawn.

Oh you poor thing.
I agree with everyone else. Speak with him by all means but don't agree to anything u till you have had some time and taken some calm dispassionate advice.

Agree with everyone else - remember your H is way ahead of you in planning terms, no doubt he has already taken legal advice so do not agree to anything until you have taken proper legal advice too. Try and stay calm and in control, hopefully it will put him on the backfoot IYSWIM. Remember OW will be pulling his chain too so all sorts of sh*t will probably come out of his mouth in addition to what he has said already .

Good luck and remember to look after yourself and put you first this time.

I was just going to suggest the possibility that him the OW have probably discussed what would suit them and he may have already sought legal advice, so tread carefully.

Another thought, if you can get someone to babysit tonight (friend/relative) and perhaps meet him somewhere neutral like a pub or quietish bar. This way he is unlikely to be able to remove anything from the house before you have got yourself legal advice and it also limit things getting too heated if tensions rise. It will also give you a get out clause - you need to get home because of the baby sitter.

It may all sound really OTT but some of the stuff I have read on here has made me realise the most amicable/trust worthy ex's can become total arseholes and very selfish with a me me me attitude.

Good luck for tonight.

Good luck Kirsty. I'm sure you will be fine, as you've showed so much bottle, courage and good sense already.

I am that someone could lie so much for so long. I've no wise advice, but all the best xx

I was in a situation where I should have recorded a conversation - is it worth you doing this tonight from your phone?

May not benefit you but I looking back in hindsight, I would have won a big legal case if I had!

I think I remember your other thread, I think it was me who said it's so easy to conduct an affair when working for a big faceless organisation, I've seen far too much - booking days off, telling partners they're off to imaginary conferences, etc. In my place of work I could literally disappear for the afternoon and nobody would bat an eyelid or expect me to account for my whereabouts, conducting an affair would be too easy if I wanted to.

Anyway, yes I agree with must of the others. Don't commit to anything until you've taken legal advice. And as awful as it might seem now to contemplate 50/50 custody, in the long term you're going to want to go out, meet new people, build a new life. Plus the free time can be used to do all that day-to-day shit so that when you've got the children they can have your undivided attention and you can spend some real quality time with them.

I have to disagree that 50/50 is always the best outcome for young children. Who does most of the childcare now? If it is you then your DD shouldn't have to go through the disruption and insecurity that having two homes and two sets of everything that 50/50 residency involves. Children need stability and familiar routine. One home and somewhere they visit to maintain a relationship with their other parent. (IMO)

My lying, cheating stbex h wanted 50/50 residency, to fit in with his OW's arrangement. I did not. I was a SAHM for 10 years and a TA in a school for the past 5 so that I could be there for my DC. My solicitor told me that a court would almost certainly be on my side, Dickhead's solicitor told him the same, so he has given up on 50/50. He has them Fri -Sun alternate w/e and alternate Tuesdays for tea, and 1/3 of school holidays. 1/2 of school holidays may be better for most people, but I have always had school holidays off.

Hi Kirsty

I am so sorry that you have to face this situation. I was in a similar one a year or so ago (although OW came out of woodwork a little later although suspected). Key learnings I would pass on are:-

1. Of course regular access to other parent is fair and key but try and decide - and this doesn't have to be an instantaneous decision - what YOU would like. Would you like 50/50? Or every other w/end and a night every week or every other week? Will you be living geographically near? How hands on is he as a father currently. Also don't make any decisions on custody on the basis/depending on his saying OW will not have contact. Of course immediately she may not but if it is serious enough for him to have been having an affair and was planning on leaving his family for, this is not realistic in the medium term.

1. Do consult lawyers, even if you work out the details of your financial and child custody arrangements together. In my experience the immediate aftermath of a separation is traumatic and you can make decisions that you would ordinarily not do due to the shock, trauma and the wish to resolve things quickly. It is great if you can work out what is 'fair' together but make sure a lawyer is involved to guide you as to what is reasonable in these circumstances. Life as a single parents is challenging and whilst it can be tempting to 'take the moral high ground' in relation to some things (I did this on a couple of issues eg car/pension/other things) sadly supermarkets and garages do not take this as payment.

1. My ex (and I hope you have a different experience) has done things financially and to a lesser degree with our son (in terms of non communications/secrecy about activities - not to the detrimment of his well being or activities but to the well being of his emotional stability) that i would NEVER DREAMED he would be capable of. Whilst I hesitate to tar all men with the same brush, experience has shown that the mind of a man who has left his family for OW is not the same mind that you believe you know and can trust. It is also my experience that the will to be generous/reasonable wains as someone else may have 'their ear', so good advice from the outset is needed.

1. Finally having said that you need to seek advice asasp, please don't be rushed into anything unless it is imperative. The rest of your and your daughter's life is a long time so please don't be rail roaded into arrangements in order to sort out affairs in the short term that you may regret in the long term. I personally felt under tremendous pressure to agree to terms (we did it via mediated round table with respective lawyers present - then logged with court - we are in Oz so may be diff system in UK) as was paying high legal fees and I felt like I 'had' to. I put myself under a lot of pressure and I wish I had taken a little more time.

Finally, the best of luck to you. It is a traumatic and horrible time that I would not wish on anyone and wish you bon courage and strength xxx

So sorry you are going through this. Agree with everyone who has advised you not to agree to anything at all this evening and certainly not until you have legal advice. Make sure all the documents such as DD's birth cert, any cheque books, passbooks, mortgage documents etc etc are safe and cannot be removed by ex. Make it clear that he should not come to the house when you are not there - ask a solicitor about changing the locks so that he has to be let in by you - am not sure of the legal position.

How much time he spends with DD will depend on a number of factors - e.g. how close his new place is to where you are living i.e. would he be able to take her to school and/or collect her? It may be that his work pattern and the distance might not allow that and thus school nights with him might not be possible at all. There will also be any afterschool activities to consider. 50/50 might work, might turn out well but that's impossible for anyone else to say. (And he might be asking for that so that he pays less maintenance).

I know from experience how difficult it is to know that a child is meeting the OW (or OM for that matter) but if ex is living with him/her it could just mean endless fighting and discussion through solicitors to achieve very little. If he is with OW for the long haul it would be very difficult (if possible) in legal terms to prevent them coming into contact.

Personally, and it took me a while to accept this, in the end I took the view that it would be better for my children to have a good relationship with the new partner - she will not be a threat to you, you are DD's mother and nothing should come between you.

EllenJaneisnotmyname I agree with you that 50/50 is not always the best outcome for young children and I agree that children need stability and a familiar routine. I completely dispute, however, that 'disruption and insecurity' is what having two homes involves. It may do, but so may other arrangements. There is a period of adjustment with any new parenting/living arrangements and it is absolutely possible to have a 50/50 arrangement in which a child is just as secure as one where they only see a parent on weekends or every second weekend. It's definitely not right for every family, but then neither are the other arrangements right for every situation either. The only people who know what will suit are the parents involved. You are wrong about your generalisation, just like I'd be wrong to suggest that other arrangements involve XYZ - each case needs to be decided on merits.

OP, good luck for your discussion. Seems like you've got lots of good advice about the financial stuff. Please do ask/PM if you'd like to know more about 50/50.

Get thee to a good solicitor, but don't mention that to him. Don't agree to any long term arrangements - financially or re custody. Don't agree to x amount a month or him paying x,y and z whilst you cover other things.

Preferably cancel him coming over until you've had good independent legal advice.