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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Asked Husband to leave on Saturday after finally getting proof of affair (Happy New Year)

47 replies

KirstyWirsty · 02/01/2012 13:11

I posted in October that I thought my husband was having an affair even though he denied it and said he never went anywhere .. on here I was told in big organisations they nip away and have fly days off ... Well whoever said that was bang on!!!

We went for counselling and everything seemed to be better but I found a card that he had written to the OW protesting his love and devotion and proclaiming the intimate time they shared. I confronted him and he spilled his guts.. Has been going on since April .. she's just turned 30 and married .. He's going to be 40 this year.. he'd been on fake training, fake conferences (one while we were going through counselling) , fake shopping trips ...

I asked him to move out and after initial refusal he's moved to his mum's (the OW is still living with her husband) Apparently me finding the card has forced a change a bit earlier than they were planning .. they were going to move in together once he got the bottle to break it to me

He wants to have 50% custody of our 6 year old DD .. but has promised that she will not be exposed to the OW

Anyone got any good advice for me?? He's coming over tonight to discuss finances

OP posts:

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 02/01/2012 17:58

Elusivecamel, my post was clearly IMO. I'm afraid that, IMO, if one parent has done the lions share of the childcare, children should spend the majority of their time with that parent in the family home to maintain routine and security, with reasonable visits to the other parent. One parent being the main carer isn't always the background, however, if both parent work full time, etc. in my case my STBX now spends more time with his children with the alternate weekend and Tuesday night and 1/3 of school holidays arrangement than he did as a resident father. He spent three to four weeks a year on holiday with them, before, and saw them for an hour before bedtime.

ElusiveCamel · 02/01/2012 18:16

EllenJaneisnotmyname My issue wasn't with the fact that you have an opinion, but I am telling you that "shouldn't have to go through the disruption and insecurity that having two homes and two sets of everything that 50/50 residency involves" is an untrue generalisation. My husband moved out when our DS was 3y3m and I had stayed at home with him for 2.5 years of that. In our situation, the typical weekend custody arrangements would have devastated my DS and caused far more insecurity and disruption - each situation needs to be decided on the individual circumstances and needs of the child(ren). There are many different arrangements - all of them have the potential to be the wrong one. Sounds like you made the right decision for your family and you can say that without making incorrect and sweeping generalisations about arrangements that other people have made for theirs . IMO, of course :)

Original poster

KirstyWirsty · 04/01/2012 16:00

Hi everyone

Thank you for all of the advice .. unfortunately lawyers only re-opened after the hols today and can't get an appointment until Monday

My husband (can't think of a suitable acronym - PRCK??) is now back to the fire brigade (he was seconded to Glasgow City Council)and wants our daughter to stay with him for a 3 day block each week when he is off - and he only wants one weekend a month which suits me as I work Mon-Fri so I'll get some quality time with her at the weekend and he can pick her up from school and take her to Rainbows, dancing etc. With working 2 nights nightshift and having DD 3 nights he's not going to have much time for his romance

He has backed down though from his assurance from Friday that he would continue to pay his bills for the time being- he's paid the January ones and that is it and he's talking about not paying maintenance as he'll have her 3 days??

I was looking at trying to keep the house and take on additional mortgage to buy him out but if I'm going to be there by myself 3 days a week and skint I don't see the point plus if we sell then he has to pay half the mortgage until it is sold .. and in the current climate I don't think it will sell quickly!!

Already applied for discounted council tax, removed passports from the house, written letter for the teacher - anything else I should be doing?

OP posts:

Becaroooo · 04/01/2012 16:05

Legal advice pronto

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 04/01/2012 16:07

Wait until you get legal advice on all this, but he will have to pay maintenance and your DD needs a roof over her head, so no go with him stating that he won't contribute here.

Don't agree to any 3 days etc. until you have taken advice, if he's going to be an arse about money then you might be better off insisting on a normal every other weekend/one night a week pattern - and maintenance.

Original poster

KirstyWirsty · 04/01/2012 16:08

Appointment is Monday morning

OP posts:

Becaroooo · 04/01/2012 16:09

thats good - but wait til after that to have the meeting with your ex.

countingto10 · 04/01/2012 16:12

I wouldn't agree to anything until you have had legal advice. You need to think how you want your life to pan out and not make any life changing decisions for a couple of months if you can. Have you arranged any counselling for yourself - Relate do it. It will give you a place to vent and process the turmoil you are going through atm.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Schnarkle · 04/01/2012 16:12

Like other's have said. Accept nothing he is saying as fact. Agree to nothing. Get proper advice and then tell him what's happening. You are not a team anymore, you have to look out for yourself and your child.

countingto10 · 04/01/2012 16:19

I know when my DH left me, the ow was jerking his chain all the time, telling him exactly what to say to me (as she had been through two divorces and the DCs always get over it ), she pestered him to go the solicitors (before I even knew there was an OW) to work out how little he could get away with so she and her DCs could have a big house, holidays abroad etc (she was planning a wedding in the tropics and a Florida holiday for her and my DCs ) - god knows where she thought the money was coming from (but then DH was very good at lying ).

Agree to nothing for the timebeing.

gettingeasier · 04/01/2012 16:48

Well I would tell him you dont want to see him later and rearrange for after you have seen the solicitor.

He will inevitably say things that may upset or worry you until you have had your position clarified by someone who knows what they are talking about. I was able to listen to my xhs blah blah blah waht he would/wouldnt do without concerning myself because I already knew what the law said rather than the law of xh

I would also ask if the solicitor you are seeing specialises in family law as it can make big difference

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/01/2012 16:48

Dont forget to check your tax credits.

wiseoldowl · 04/01/2012 16:51

OP sorry to hear you are going through this, you sound very strong so far... keep up the good work
Very good advice so far... hide/copy any documents - particularly insurance policies/share certificates etc in his name - you may forget what he has in his name when finally get round to finances.
Do not trust a word he says, complete agree with earlier poster - OW will take over (i know my OW & I can already tell she is controlling him!).
Sol will tell you not to change locks,legally if joint names on mortgage he is entitled to access. I have changed locks with no repercussions so far & felt much better for doing so.
I am also majorly in favour of going no contact - I have not spoken to my STBXH since the day he left, only deal with him via texts for child access and am fairly certain this is how I have stayed rational. You can easily be dragged into arguments/discussions that have no benefit if you see him/speak to him... although this is obviously down to how you feel.
All your focus now must be on what suits YOU & your DS and your future life, do not agree to anything in short term as you head must be all over the place.

balia · 04/01/2012 17:01

So not what is best for the child, then, Crunch - whatever arrangement you can make most money out of.

OP, you are doing brilliantly - I love the way you are looking at positives. On the money front, if you get the CB (and thus the WTC etc) then he pays maintenance minus an amount for overnights. Best way is to keep contact and money separate, though. Good Luck.

xmyboys · 04/01/2012 17:24

Sorry to hear OP about your situation. Good luck on Monday

Original poster

KirstyWirsty · 04/01/2012 20:18

Lawyer is an expert in family law - she is a friend of a close friend who is a corporate lawyer.. however her office called this evening to say that she can't see me til Thusday. The secretary made a mistake! I am desperate to get some legal guidance on what I should be doing

DD is going to stay with her dad on Saturday night at his folks house - I'm out with the girls for best pal's birthday - didn't tell him that (none of his business and my mum would have done it no bother if he hadn't taken up the offer) - he can take her to swimming lessons on Sunday too so I can have a long lie

He picked DD up this morning (this was the plan for the last day of the school hols before I caught him) and wanted to be all chummy - I will be civil but not friendly. When he dropped DD at my mum this afternoon he was being very chatty as well ...

I think he has a screw loose ... He wants to come over tomorrow and tidy the garage and asked if I had any other jobs needing done???

The Tax credits are a good shout - we lost them when PRCK insisted that I go back full time so that he could go on holiday to Florida when my DD was 2 ( He worked hard and deserved a holiday he said)

Have I mentioned that I'm well rid???

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2012 20:29

Oh if he wants to do any jobs around the house, let him! I'd have him redecorating whilst I went out.

Original poster

KirstyWirsty · 04/01/2012 20:33

@ImperialBlether - I am totally with you .. He can do any odd jobs round the house he likes there's nothing financial for him to take as the mortgage is the only thing we have jointly - I haven't a clue about his finances (which is why he could got to Crieff Hydro for 3 days with her without me being aware) so I don't have a problem with him being in the house

I made him take down all of the Christmas decorations (3 trees!) and get them up the loft before he left here on Saturday - I went out and left him to it.

I think asking him to do the ironing might be pushing it though

OP posts:

Smum99 · 04/01/2012 20:37

You do seem to be handling this well. The best revenge is to live well. Consider how you feel about staying in the house, I did actually keep the house and bought ex out however I later reflected that I might have been better to have moved. I think it would have felt like a new start.

The best mantra is to to keep your dd as the main focus, you will survive and no doubt thrive and when she's a teen you'll be able to look back and know that you did a good job. He will be your ex but he will always be your's daughter's dad.

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2012 21:33

Yes, I wish I'd moved. A new start is good.

maypole1 · 04/01/2012 22:12

Omg just watching NBC news they were interviewing somone about the Lawrence case getting pubic views

Reporter what do you think

Old white man " it was a stich up"

Reporter why

Old white mAn "Because one of them ni**rs been done aint they"

My god what's going on in the uk

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2012 22:39

Well, you can always find some idiot who's happy to be quoted. It doesn't mean they represent anyone other than themselves, does it?

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