ExH uses child contact to harrass me

[whereismumhiding]

Ex H constantly emails or texts me with long rambling and dishonest emails making unpleasant comments to me- silly things like claiming the children are covered in flea bites from my house (we do not have fleas, he does not like the fact we have kitten & cat) , that I have a series of men staying over my house (I do not, have been in steady relationship and I waited 6 months to even introducce him to children) or that I have "agreed for him to keep DC longer" than child contact order states for that visit (he says this whilst he has children, so that police will not force him to return them). He makes up about 3-7 things each email and it is tiresome. He sits outside my house after he should have left so I cannot get to work or go out- he leaves when police arrive. His girlfriend emails me and texts me from his mobile (on contact mobile). She has been warned by police to stop.
During contact he tells DC that I am a fking whore, a bitch, the nastiest worst mum in the world, etc... and this is horrible for them. He keeps their things and wont return them (we have lost 3 coats this way) so that I have to buy new ones. He removes DB mobile and blocks my tel contact when he has them, despite court order.
If he finds out I am going away or I have plans, he does not turn up for contact or arrives the next day, so DC are waiting at the window for a long time (sometimes 1 1/2 hours before they give up), so I cannot go on my weekend off. He regularly returns children 2-4 hours late after contact, so I am waiting for hours and they are tired for school on Monday - he sometimes does not say why or when he eventually answers phone always claims different "reasons" none are real (8 times in last 20 contacts).
I've changed tel - so he has access only to a mobile that is switched off aside from when he is due to have children or telephone them, and have court appointed email account which I read once fortnight only to limit his access to me. Judge has told him he is not to come further than edge of my drive. It's not enforceable though. I know no one can solve this problem but am posting for a bit of a chat really so that I can let off some steam.
I posted nearly 3 years ago on this site, when my marriage broke up. ExH had been controlling and physically abusive for years but I was scared. All is sorted, I'm happily settled with a lovely new boyfriend, have sole residency of 3 DC ( now 3, 7, 9) and exH had supervised child contact for a year and half due to Children services involvement and now unsupervised over night once fornight by a court order.

Contact Women's Aid for advice, get a lawyer involved, keep evidence (especially the abusive emails). Work out some sort of back-up for childcare so he can't mess up your plans by failing to turn up. It sounds like you need everything absolutely legally nailed down, which can be done. Remember that this knob, like all abusive men, does not have superpowers and is not above the law. He can be put firmly in his place and kept there.
There are other posters on here who have had to deal with abusive arseholes like him, and hopefully they will be along soon with more practical advice.

The organisation Rights of Women - www.rightsofwomen.org.uk - provide free legal advice by women for women on 0207 251 6577. The line is open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 2-4pm and 7-9pm, and also Friday 12-2pm. Although ROW do not take on cases they can recommend solicitors local to you who subscribe to their ethos.

If your dc are expressing themselves as being adversely affected by contact with their father, visit www.childrenslegalcentre.com Although this organisation's limited resources are oversubscribed, they also offer free legal advice on the telephone and will take on certain cases.

I have no practical advice to add but did want to mention that I think you're brilliant. Bloody hell, I think I would have crumbled long ago. Take good care of yourself.

Hi, if he had supervised previously and has moved to unsupervised, is there any chance a lawyer could advise about your chances of switching back to supervised? I also think you sound amazing, so sorry you are going through this.

what sgb said.

He is not above the law. Get WA on your side. I wouldn't tolerate it a minute longer .

I too would advise returning to supervised, or unsupervised but with a contact centre drop off and pick up, so that they can log him if he fails to comply to times or fails to bring belongings back. That way it is also removed from your property. They could also check your DS's phone randomly to see if it has been tampered with I am sure. You have more than enough evidence to show that the reasons you were concerned about unsupervised are justified.
If contact is doing a handover away from your house, can you take out an injunction against him and his girlfriend to prevent them texting/phoning/coming into your street, and then get the police onto it Every time they do it - I would imagine the police would get pretty pissed off if they had to keep coming out to the same prat again and again.
He has to be shown that he cant keep doing this, and if he wont respect you, he's going to have to respect the law.

Supervised contact was a joke as it was his mother, despite judge saying it had to be his friend couple (who I agreed to) and his mother, his couple friend dropped out after court date 2 days after court case, after judge had wasted time in court carefully weighing them up and agreeing them (he had never actually explained to them what it involved) and they said they could not do it, so his (nice but alcoholic) mother spent a year supervising him with kids and mostly sleeping , Still it was better than the unsupervised contact we have now, that he is "magically better" (but not!!!). It takes a lot to even get supervised contact, and I cant go down that route again. I do just want him to be nice to children when he has them, and not to hear otherwise. I tell DC to make their own minds up and ignore anything else their dad says that might be silly or not very nice. Get a bit fed up with hearing how vicious he is though.

sorry, missed your post.
speak to WA, maybe you could apply to the court yourself without a solicitor/ especially if you have experience in it. Daunting, i know, and scary. any way of writing direct to the judge directly and asking advice?
or contacting local contact centres and asking their advice? Or Social services?

Nettletea, that is so sweet, sorry we cross posted. Supervised contact at contact centre is not an option, as he refuses to do that, so judge caved in each time, despite very strong concerns from childrens' social worker, and gave sup contact at the time to his MOTHER who is and was rubbish and scared of him herself. At the time, he was scaring kids so much they were locking themselves in bathroom from his house (He's now removed telephones from house entirely) and ringing police themselves ... so it was worse than it is now. Judge still felt things had improved, but reality is kids just got used to it (and my 9 yo DS told me he has an emergency escape route worked out (all entirely from him, none of it is prompted by me!! Scarily mature eh?!), to climb over hedge as ExH has locked electric gates to his rented house down country lane, to his neighbours, but he has to leave his sisters behind as they (3, 7) cant get over the hedge)

SO I know if things got bad, DS would ask ExH's neighbours to call police. But thing is kids are used to their dad saying nasty things about mummy and hopefully ignore it, although it isnt nice for them. (I do feel frustrated that court puts kids in that position, they have to go, they love their dad, he's the only dad they know, and do want to go at times, but are very ambivalent as it is not always a nice experience for them. I do understand nothing can be done to keep them safer than we do already until courts understand this kind of thing better). (I wont pretend it isnt hard for me dealing with how worried I am about them, my anger at court and a frankly rubbish court system that puts me in that situation, police are supportive to me - as they regularly arrested exH and removed him from property and still pop in to see me having my address flagged and even tried to get CPS to pursue assault charges but i had no witnesses despite smashed head, bruises on arms, etc etc on countless occasions).

BUT I hate the fact he can still email or text me so many times despite my trying to limit it and that his girlf who ought to behave better as a woman- and does not know him at all- send me unpleasant manipulative emails and texts as if this is a game that they want to win. How do I deal with that?

Do go to Women's Aid, they will know all the tricks for dealing with men like this. Bear in mind that you can stop contact due to him having repeatedly breached the agreements made; WA and SS will help you with this.

He will have told his GF all manner of shite to get her to do his bidding.. you know that... not that it helps you, but she's not fully apprised of the situation as it is.

You could also call www.respect.uk.net/RESPECT, they are a help line set up for perps, government funded. As most perps don't WANT to be helped, they are not very busy, and are easier to get through to than WA. They are also well schooled in the techniques these vile men use to manipulate and terrorise their victims. They may offer a different slant to your arsenal of advice.

Sorry, missed a space RESPECT

what a f'g shitehawk!

You need to again play this legally and as SGB states WA will hopefully have all the know hows.

you ex sounds like from same branch as my ex IT manager 100K a yr doesnt pay a dime and was seeing ds to physically abuse as couldn't abuse me.
I spent a fortune on trying to get maint and never got a dime....my saving grace is ex doesn't want contact with ds in contact centre supervised and stopped all contact thank god!

Just worried the damage this doing to your kids ...didn't it come out recently emotional abuse illegal recently? This is pure emotional abuse the shite saying all this to your dc. Thought emails/texts would be enough...otherwise invite him in with nanny cam running. WA usually have solicitors you can have first contact with free.

Put nanny cam in kids bag going their for weekend...bug the bag somehow....to catch the shite! Shame dd not old enough to voice record on mobile.

If ex doesnt turn up with dc phone the police and say you are worried they have not returned home safely...they have to chase up as a court order. Make the law make the shitebag behave you have the backing of a court order to do this. This then all adds up as evidence when logged with police for courts.

Please don't send the ds with bugging devices or get them to record on their phones. If he is a violent abuser and catches them I think you'd hate yourself for the consequences.

I'd be careful re outing him on here too op. You've mentioned his role and company - wouldn't be too hard to find him on linkedin or a search.you never know who is reading - don't give him more of a window on your world than you have to. Perhaps get that removed?

Hi, I realised after I had typed post that I'd given info about him, that might m ake him traceable- having said that he does not use this site and his girlf does not have children so wont know about this site- but I cant work how to delete that post? Does anyone have an idea. It is the one that starts 'thankyou so much girls...' Am I missing a click button here?!

Yes, thankyou SOY, that is nice that you are so supportive. But I couldnt really safely send DC with a tape recorder, as I think it would put them at risk if he found it and frankly he would be incredibly angry and pissed off, I wouldnt feel good about it, and any tape might contain information I would feel I had to act upon but couldnt as it certainly wouldn't be admissable evidence.

I've reported it and asked for it to be deleted.

Have asked Mumsnet to remove the post I put on, with identifying info about his company. Will repost it, but out of sequence, without this.

Thankyou girls for all your suggestions. I think I might try RESPECT, although i always thought they only worked with perps who rang them.

I cannot get non mol order on him nor girlfriend as it is not significant enough to get these, wont meet criteria, but ,ostly as I dont have a spare £2000-4000 for each application (it costs that much if they challenge it, which they will they earn stupid amount between them, over £200K per year).
Police will revisit her to warn her again that she can be arrested if she persists in contacting me, but really unless she openly threatens me with violence, there is nothing they can do as CPS would unlikely pursue it to court. Similiar judge wont require him to go to supervised contact centre as hours are too restrictive.
Her texts are unpleasant and cleverly abusive - "i am sorry you are so disapponted that your ex H preferred me, I appreciate it is hard to keep a house tidy, I am sorry to hear you have fleas all through your house again, you are harrassing me, it was a shame you did not send his football kit,You did not send their coats (girlf and he kept them!), I am sorry to hear you have been dumped again.. I was appalled to see that DD had an injury and you tried to treat it, I would recommend.. etc.. None of which is true (no such injury, my boyf and I are very happy and stable and I have never been "dumped" nor even argued with my ONE previous boyf in past 2 1/2 years, we have no fleas in house, she has never been to my house and it is not untidy!, ExH throws footie kit back onto drive rather than take it with him, I have never once contacted her or referred to her). Both exH and his current girlf are manipulative and unpleasant, they lie so easily in this imaginary world, and that makes it so difficult to have rationale conversion with them. Either by police or by me (although I never choose to contact girlf or converse with her in anyway)
I do ring police when he fails to return them, but he lies each time stating that I have "agreed for him to keep them longer" or that he has "rung me" blah blah, clearly not true. Like any normal person would ring police if that was the case?!

I,m ranting because they drive me mad. He is just as bad in what he emails or texts.
I have stopped reading emails, even court appointed ones, as they are ridiculous and aimed to falsify things and annoy. once fornight I write, with reference to your previous email , "none of the things you stated are accurate nor true and I ask you to stop harrassing me in this way. I will bring these issues up at court" I have emailed him most of the times his girlf has contacted me, reminding him that she has no permission to use child contact telephone nor court appointed email, that she is not to contact me, to ring, email or text me as I have no reason to have contact from her, and police have similiarly warned her.

I don't think anything can be done but would appreciate some support as it is incredibly harrassing and wearing me down. i have sole residency of our 3 gorgeous DC and feel very alone with dealing with all this crap as well.

You can apply for a non mol yourself without using a solicitor. It's quite easy to do and you only pay for court fees (I think about £80). If you're lucky the area you live in will have a domestic abuse service which might have outreach services that can help and support you. Do a google search for domestic abuse and your county and see what comes up. I also think you should inform social services of what's going on during these contact visits, they would/should be very concerned about the emotional abuse that's going on for your children. I think you sound fantastic by the way and I really admire you for your strength and courage.

Thankyou xxxx I will look into how to apply for a non mol order myself. SS told me to tell cafcass, I did. Worker just treats it like we are naughty parents having rows. The courts system is ineffective for children and mums in my situation. But thankyou for listenning to me.

this guy sounds like my xh....he would bring dd home when he felt like it, she would come back with black eyes etc, as she was refusing to join in with his abuse, (he told her to stab me)etc....he would bring her clothes back in used cat litter.dd said she would pack her bag and he would just empty litter tray in it.i got death threats and e-mails,texts,.....he only sees dd once a year now and she is never alone with him, she refuses to go to his house and will only go into town shopping with him, as she says she needs to be in a public place incase he gets violent again, (she reported him to police 9 times for abuse) they do nothing.