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Original poster

How do you spend time with your partner?

38 replies

totallylost · 02/01/2012 12:13

DH and I spend very little time with each other doing stuff together. One of the few things we do is going out for a meal, which means going out ordering straight away eating and then leaving immediately. We can be in and out and sat back home within an hour. He has told me that its because its boring to just sit there after we have eaten and so we may as well be at home.

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 02/01/2012 12:44

That sounds grim Sad.
What do you both do when you get back home, then?
It can't always have been like that. What has changed, and why?

Malificence · 02/01/2012 13:16

We go walking and are National trust members, we both like photography and architecture/history, it does help to have the same interests.
When we go out for a meal we can be back home within an hour, neither of us like hanging around in the bar afterwards, I don't understand why that is a problem tbh, unless you sit there in silence and that is all you ever do .

Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 13:26

When we get back home he will watch tv or play on his laptop. It is grim because there seems to be a lack of motivation/interest in just spending time together. It feels like he is saying to be that I am boring. We don't sit in silence we chat about things but only for the length of the meal. To me the spending time together is the focus of the activity but to him the focus is the eating. And yes Malificience, apart from sex, going out for a meal is the only time I seem to have his undivided attention - but even then his attention is on the meal.

Just not sure if I am being unreasonable and it is normal for couples to not have that level of interaction.

OP posts:
birdsofshoreandsea · 02/01/2012 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 02/01/2012 13:35

Have you told him it makes you feel he finds you boring?
Would you rather linger over the meal and talk? How would he react if you said so?
Do you have any shared interests? Friends?

ArtVandelay · 02/01/2012 13:39

We usually have some thorny issue to resolve around the mortgage, the house or some other project we are dealing with. I sometimes wonder if we didn't have any issues or projects going on what we would talk about. But at least we don't run out of conversation even if its not romantic or whatever. Don't you have things you NEED to talk about?

Do you have children? I know for us, the rare time we do get out without our toddler we feel quite giddy with freedom (and drinks) and that always cheers us up. A lot of stuff we do together though is day-to-day tasks, childcare, food shopping etc.

Malifience makes a good point about shared interests. DH and I are going to develop some shared interests, when DS grows up a bit, definately :)

Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 13:41

Maybe I am being unreasonable then. The children are teenagers and do their own thing most of the time so we are lucky to get a lot of time to ourselves. But weekends are spent sitting on the sofa while he watches football and plays on his laptop. He never wants to do anything. Of course I don't have to sit there and can do stuff for myself (and by myself) but I want to do things with him.

This may sound fairly pathetic but I can't see the point of being married to someone if they don't want to do anything with me. We may as well be divorced - I can still do all the stuff I have to do by myself and not have to do all the stuff I do for him.

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Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 13:43

Sorry some crossed posts there. Yes I have told him how I feel, constantly it feels, but he doesn't know how to change it. We have just talked about it again and he said he will try to come up with something but he is going to watch the football first. I am hiding in the bedroom. To me that says football is more interesting and more important than you.

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Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 13:45

There are obviously other issues here for me. I have felt unloved and unappreciated for a long time. Have tried explaining, calmly, how I feel and he promises things will be better and they are for a day or so and then he goes back to his old routine and forgets again.

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dreamingbohemian · 02/01/2012 13:47

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!

I would be massively depressed if that were the extent of my interaction with DH.

Maybe he's bored, or maybe he's just tired and doesn't have the energy to interact? Is he an introvert generally?

Does he do stuff with the kids?

I would also start to question the point of being married to someone who didn't want to spend any time with me Sad

ArtVandelay · 02/01/2012 13:53

Not unreasonable at all. I think that you may have to be the driving force behind any improvement in the situation though. Tell him that you are both going swimming on Wednesday night at 7pm and then just do it. Tell him some other stuff you are going to do - visit a castle, go ice skating, cinema etc. If he doesn't like your things he'll have to come up with ideas of his own. I'm not saying it will work but it might.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 02/01/2012 13:56

Oh dear. I'd feel the way you do, too.
Can you (both) come up with a list of possible shared activities, perhaps organised ones to be done at set times so it would be easier to make it into a routine and keep it up? It could be joining a group, going to the movies every Saturday, or something as simple as a walk every Sunday morning....

ArtVandelay · 02/01/2012 13:57

Oh, and I find its pointless telling my DH how I feel as it sounds like complaining to him and he switches off. If I just tell him what I want him to do he goes along with it happily - took me a while to work that one out.

Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 13:58

Done that before Art and he just sulks and makes sure we both don't enjoy it. I am the driving force in everything. I sort out the finances and all the household tasks and suggest things to do together. I ask what he would like to do but he can never think of anything he would like to do with me.

A classic line from him was, when asked what improvements he would like in our relationship, "I'd like to go fishing more". "us" doesn't seem to exist for him.

Have depressed myself now Sad

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Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 14:01

Maybe I need to learn to not feel so guilty and responsible for him being happy. If he finds being with me boring, then thats as much his problem as mine.

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ArtVandelay · 02/01/2012 14:02

Sorry Totally he really needs a rocket up his arse.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 02/01/2012 14:02

Have you told him you don't see the point in being together if you don't enjoy each other's company?
What does he think is the point?

Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 14:03

Hmmm wonder if there are any left over from New Years? He does need a rocket just not sure how to adminster it.

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ArtVandelay · 02/01/2012 14:03

Yes - thats important. Don't feel guilty.

ArtVandelay · 02/01/2012 14:04

Get him to bend over :)

ArtVandelay · 02/01/2012 14:04

Sorry, that was disgusting.

ClaraSage · 02/01/2012 14:06

We walk the dog most evenings, talk about our days, kids,.etc. It is something we consciously do as we hah a major crisis almost 3 years ago.

Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 14:07

I have Lesser he sees the point as he is quite happy when I am not 'moaning' at him or making him do stuff he doesn't want to. In other words as long as life is completely suited to him there is a point being together.

He is lazy and selfish I guess and I suppose if he carries on then it won't matter what he thinks. BTW I have told him this too. Nothing seems important enough for him to change.

No maybe if I got a football kit and threatened to stay on the subs bench he might get motivated?!

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Original poster
totallylost · 02/01/2012 14:07

Shock at Art, can't think of any other alternative myself though

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ArtVandelay · 02/01/2012 14:09

Would you consider Relate? If you have come to a stalemate and communicating is failing, would it help to have a professional helper tease out the issues?