How do you spend time with your partner?

[totallylost]

DH and I spend very little time with each other doing stuff together. One of the few things we do is going out for a meal, which means going out ordering straight away eating and then leaving immediately. We can be in and out and sat back home within an hour. He has told me that its because its boring to just sit there after we have eaten and so we may as well be at home.

I bought a book a while ago... It's called something like how one person can fix it for both of you... Or something like that. It's about those moments where you partner either doesn't get it, or
Can't seem to move forward...

Worth a read?

Tbh he sounds like the archetypal boring old fart!

Does he have any redeeming features?

I had an ex like this. Would only go out if other people were with us. Going out for a meal was basically a prelude to sex. He too was selfish, egotistical and unbearable if things weren't going his way.

We do masses of things together! I like cultural outings (museums, theatres, shows, films, architecture, city breaks etc) and he is pretty happy to come along with what I choose (I pass it by him first) and he likes flying and seeing friends. And we go out a lot for meals and shopping and walks.

Yesterday afternoon we spent several hours researching, planning and booking summer holidays... Men quite like all that computer stuff!

I want to do more things with DH. We have been together 8 years (today). I love to walk, he does not. So we do not. He likes to spend weeeknds doing chores. Currently, it is our 'Bonne Anniversaire'. He is replacing the belt thingie on the dryer. I have just cleaned out the loos and washed bedclothes from his parents staying the NY.

we are supposed to 'down tools' when it gets dark and have a bottle and an indian.

I would say we have a good marriage, but I do wish we had more fun together. I am not sure he is terribly interested in me as a person. We have different hobbies. I have tried to get involved with his though, even though it bores me silly.

totallylost, it's a sorry state of affairs. I don't have any wise words, but my marriage was in the same state as yours and it didn't survive it, so take the wise advice offered by others and all the best to you and your DH.

We invite other couples and our family for dinner or drinks at our house a lot. It's fun to talk to other couples and takes the pressure off each other trying to converse.
We also have different friends and go out separately. I like coming home a bit tipsy and telling him all the gossip.

But we also watch a lot Of TV together or we're on our laptops.
We're used to very quick meals in restaurants now we have a baby :-)

Communication is key though - if you're unhaPpy with aspects of your relationship, he should want to fix it and make you happy.

I'm divorcing mine, this was one of the things. He never suggested anything (or almost never - usually the same art gallery), would say if I wanted to do something I should organise it, (Ok - but Every Time?), dislikes going on holiday it seems, if I suggested something he wouldn't say whether he wanted to go or not, wouldn't make plans... In the end, I realised that I no longer wanted to go anywhere or do anything with him anyway.

Where are you people going out for a meal that you can get there, order, eat and be home within a hour? Macdonalds?

We do lots of stuff. Walking, kite flying, bowling, cinema, nights in with a takeaway and bottle of wine. We read the same books and chat about them, do crosswords together, play on the PS3, do the garden, cook - well I cook and he sits in the kitchen and messes about with his guitar. I must admit the going out things are usually suggested and arranged by me but I have more spare time on my hands to plan and arrange these things. I'm sure if I didn't we'd spend more time sitting in front of the tv but I'm also sure if I raised that as an issue with my DH he'd make more effort to plan and organise.

He sounds quite set in his ways but that doesn't mean he can't change. Would he consider counselling?

We have been together 10+ years.
We love cars, films and the outdoors.
So we will go to car shows/races together, go on hikes every weekend, go on active holidays and trips together, see films at the cinema and at home, we also love food and enjoy treating ourselves to good meals out and try cooking new things all the time. We also love having projects to work on around the house an love spending time with friends together doing the local pub quiz etc.

I have to tell him that I need a night alone every so often as I like my own space too

Could you possibly meet each other halfway? You to take an interest in his football or fishing (and genuinely do it) on condition that he takes an interest in something of yours? You know, the way you do when you first fall in love and everything about your boyfriend seems new and interesting. Or is the truth that he doesn't actually want to communicate with you and is hiding in his hobbies?

My partner and i go through phases. Sometimes we do everything together - watch series/films we're both into (Firefly, X-files etc.) go to the theatre, cinema or out for a meal. When we go out we tend to revert back to being kids and get high on that free feeling (night off from the kids) so take the piss out of strangers or stage chav fights in the car park...just generally get very silly. We tend not to talk about domestic things, kids included and I will make a point of avoiding those subjects. when we're on form we will have long discussion/arguments about various topics ranging from education to metaphysics - usually if our current interests are complementary. Then we can go for weeks without connecting with each other in any meaningful way - watch a bit of T.V, go to bed at different times, be on a totally separate page etc. We will then have a massive row and reset back to noticing each other again.

totallylost - you both sound either out of step with each other (if this is something that hasn't been going on for too long) or totally incompatible. don't worry about it, just be pragmatic. Try with as much effort as you can to be utterly self-centred. is there something you've always wanted to do? to learn? think only of your own needs or desires for a while. when you hit upon something be decisive go do it and don't invite him to join you. For example if you've joined an archery or a running club or something just say 'oh, i've joined a running club btw, see you later' and then go. Continue in this manner for aslong as it takes you to realise the truth of the situation. If he shows interest or misses you then its just a shit phase if he doesn't care and loves the time without you then you know and you've not lost anything - in fact you've gained some self-confidence and probably some new friends and you can ditch him.

chant in your head until you find something you REALLY want to do 'me, me, me...what do I want to do?' over and over again.

Good luck.