Advice please on fairly new relationship

[bigshinydinosaur]

Okay, some background..................

We used to work together years ago and went out for a few months about ten years ago. Got back in touch on Facebook and he asked me out. He lives about 40 miles away. We've been seeing each other since October and have actually seen each other about 6 times and he's stayed over.

When he's here, he's brilliant...tactile, we get on great, we have a laugh. He's told his friends he's seeing me and he told his family he was seeing someone when he went over there for Christmas. He gets on great with my 5 year old DS.

My worry is the communication in between dates is not great. I tend to be more forthcoming about my feelings and give more away about my feelings than he does.....not in an I love you way, more in an I am missing you a bit today. Our main communication is via text, which he is inconsistent with.............as in sometimes, he'll take 10 minutes to reply, sometimes it will be all day. I know he's not that keen on texting and leads a busy life, as I do.

When he left on New Year's Eve, he had said he was looking forward to seeing me again in 2012 and we have talked about what our next date is going to entail.

I would love some advice on how not to worry about things.....when in actual fact, there really isn't anything to worry about. Or maybe someone has some tips on how I can improve communication or find a way of letting him know how i'm feeling that doesn't make him freak out.

I said to him yesterday via text that I was feeling a little mushy and whether it was okay to express that to him. When he text back, he asked how I was and whether i'd had a good day. I don't think he's brilliant at vocalising his feelings.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads with this one and want to relax and enjoy it, but not sure how.

Sorry it's a bit rambly!

Anyone got any advice?

It's probably not specific what i'm asking for to be honest, so sorry.

Just some reassurance, how to handle a distance thing (altho distance isn't that great I know! lol) Maybe some tips on how I can distract myself from worrying about stuff and just relax and enjoy it?

Thanks in advance.

Get a hobby, or something. Stressing and constantly texting 'Do you wuv me?' is not a good way to run a relationship. Nice people get fed up with it, less nice people like the fact that you are clearly very keen and will use it to their advantage.

I certainly don't ask him how he feels all the time, that would make me very strange. But I do take your point about needing a hobby. I think i've been worse over Christmas as i've been off work and school's been off so not been as busy as normal.

It is hard tbh as he doesn't give much away about how he feels really and isn't that keen on sending texts. I am a text waffler and send long ones, so need to chill out about that.

Thanks for reading.

From experience it is uncomfortable when you have different communication needs. But you can only manage you and your expectations. Distractions help. And working on your own insecurities, easier said than done of course

Hmm... not entirely sure that he sees it as a relationship tbh.

I've been in situations like this before thinking that I'm 'seeing' someone but it's actually friends with benefits.

Thing is, I thought that and asked him and he's said its definitely more than a sex thing.......that was after the first date.

He's made a point of telling me that he's told his friends about me and that he was getting twenty questions from his family about me as he had told them he was seeing me.

I think I do feel a bit more for him than he does for me but I know he likes me and considers us to be seeing each other.

He's just so damn relaxed it's untrue....very, very laid back!

I do definitely need some distractions and to work on my own insecurities, that's very true! lol

I think I agree with lubey actually, are you sure he doesn't see this as just dating at the moment rather than a relationship? After all, you've only seen him 6 times. I think you need to relax a bit and enjoy it for what it is at face value. Enjoy your time together and make yourself busy when you're not. He's clearly not at the point yet where he wants to discuss his feelings.

I think you might be right Lubey and Tooeasily. He definitely considers us to be seeing each other, but I think i'm a bit forward on the whole relationship thing, which makes me feel a bit silly now i've put it down in type.

We always have a great time, a great laugh and are very, very comfortable with each other. We do talk about future dates etc when he's here.

I have to stop myself from pushing it too much and from worrying, but that's where I come a cropper. I say to myself that i'm going to show a little restraint and not text him so much (I don't mean that I text him obsessively by the way) but i'm terrible at restraint.

I need a hobby.

Thanks for not being too harsh and any futher advice is very much appreciated :-)

Seems more keeping you dangling than relationship. Giving just enough to ensure you're there for the next date, but not a scrap more.

Lets face it it's hardly the early flutters of love is it?

I'm really massively sorry for being such a downer by the way - I would love to be able to say different - but just in my (rather extensive) experience the ones that have you second guessing like this, are the ones that don't go anywhere.

Don't feel silly, it's very easy to do - been there more than once. Unfortunately that allows me to spot the dud now.

With the right person it won't matter how much you text or don't text, you won't be in any doubt.

If I hadn't known him for so long, i'd probably be thinking exactly the same. i.e. if this was an internet date or similar.

He's very easy-going/relaxed and doesn't give a lot away at all about his feelings, although he is starting to open up a bit more the more we've been seeing each other, i.e. telling his friends and family about me.

I'm thinking I do like him probably a bit more than he likes me and that does make me feel a bit daft.

I know that he's perfectly happy with the situation and some of the things he says sometimes definitely indicate he's more than a little interested.

I'm quite a worrier, you see, and have to stop myself from asking him what he's feeling as he's not yet ready to discuss specifics I don't think.

Give it time.

A friend of mine started seeing someone after they got chatting on FB, (they had known each other vaguely 20 years ago at school). She has kids, there is some distance mileage wise between them, and it started off very slowly.

We all knew he was "seeing" her, but he wasnt rushing to go to see her and he did used to moan that she texted him all the time, and it got a bit much when he was busy at work.

BUT...

that was 2 years ago, and they are getting engaged soon, they still live apart, but he goes to see her almost every weekend now, and she comes to stay with him regularly too.

Have patience. :)

This is why you need a hobby. This man is not being deliberately malevolent by the sound of it, he's just, you know, Got A Life. You might have known him for a long time but you have only just started dating him, and it's too early to be plucking at his sleeve all the time going 'Let's talk about our relationship'.
Women are, unfortunately, socialised to believe that the most important thing in life is to have a couple-relationship, and that when you have one, you have to prioritize it over everything else. This is a crock of shit. Just the fact of Having A Partner doesn't mean your life is automatially fulfilled, everyone needs work, friends, interests, hobbies and things to do.

TYhank you, it's good to hear some positive stories of things that have started out like my current situation.

It's also good to have some sense talked into me too solidgoldbrass I think I am placing too high a priority on this. It's very important to me but I do need to stop worrying over it so much.

The change from friendship to dating is a strange one to get used to.

You mention more than once that he is not keen on texting but you are getting upset by his lack of texting!

I agree with solidgoldbrass - you need to take a step back and keep your self busy so it is not on your mind so much. Otherwise, I think there is a danger that you will actually scare him off.

This was very normal not so long ago, before Facebook and texting. People only saw each other on dates and didn't talk much between dates. I do think some people are happier with that and don't need constant contact and reassuring. I wouldn't personally think it means he's stringing you along at all, I do think you need to relax, enjoy a nice thing and find something more to occupy your time between dates. A hobby or interest will have the added bonus of making you more confident and interesting and therefore attractive.

I know I sound quite mad by the ay about the texting thing, I see it as some kind of validation of his feelings for me.........which I know sounds ridiculous. People are right.......it is too early to be talking about feelings at this stage!

I do need to keep myself busier definitely. I was off work sick last week and my son has been on school holidays so it has just been the 2 of us a lot. I've had way more time than I normally have to think about things, which really isn't helping the situation at all!

I just wish he wasn't so laid back and a bit more pro-active in organising dates etc! lol

I do get what you are saying. Ive been seeing my boyf around 10 months, he says he loves me but we only see each other once a week and that was with me pushing. He once left it 6 weeks without seeing my and he lives locally! His excuse was he was busy earning money for his trip home to see his kids for Xmas. (His kids live abroad). He needed quite a bit of money before he went which I felt really uncomfortable about but I did say yes with reluctance. I suppose I didnt rush to get the money to him. Just before he left on the 7th December, he asked for the money, I said I would put it through the bank a couple of days later when I got paid which he didnt like and Ive not heard from him since. Not even Xmas and not New Year. To be honest I am relieved, I felt weird about this money thing and by my not giving it to him showed me what he was really like. But my point is that all the time I dont see him week to week has always made me feel a bit suspicious.

That's awful Pippa5l but it is quite a different situation to mine.

Sorry to hear you've gone through that.

What do your instincts tell you? You say he is not very proactive in organising dates...... If you are the one who is having to organise/push for dates, meeting up etc it perhaps doesnt sound good. Maybe dont be so available as hard as that may be for you. Dont arrange anything and see what he does. Dont text him in the day AT ALL. It is still early days so you might need to just sit tight and see how it pans out. Texting is a bloody minefield and it does my nut in. It just irritates me no end.

Taking ten mins to answer or all day is nothing to be honest however I would be concerned you aren't speaking on the telephone daily. You should be.

Texting is indeed a nightmare MilitaryWag - tis the work of the devil!

FabbyChic - Why would you be concerned that We aren't speaking on the telephone daily? I don't speak to my best friends daily, if at all, over the phone. We all tend to use text. You may have a point though about speaking on the phone and I might suggest that to him.

This stuff is so hard :-S

OP, he's going at a different pace to you. Whether this be because he just isn't that keen or it's just his way remains to be unfolded.

I hate all this texting business and it can all become very nebulous.

Put your phone away and get busy is the only advice I can give at the moment.

My boyfriend is like your new man. Male/female communication isn't his forte. After 2 odd years together it doesn't bother me so much anymore (although he does get a flee in his ear every now and again)

Like you said, he's laid back and you're a worrier.

Easier said than done but just let him do a bit of running for a change. Don't initiate things for a while.

Texting is too easy, casual aquaintances do it, but real relationships require conversation, a hi how has your day been, or a goodnight miss you type of thing. After three months I'd expect that.