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Original poster

How to communicate with DH over a trivial issue?

42 replies

Flyingoutofcontrol · 31/12/2011 12:13

I love my DH. He is a good husband and a brilliant father, but we have a bit of a trivial issue which I have tried to raise with him, but when I do, I am accused of having a go - not what I want to do!

Basically, since DS has been mobile, DH at weekends (as he works in the week) gets headaches due to the fact that he isn't drinking enough in the morning. He then, when DS naps in the late morning, collapses onto the sofa with a pained expression and mutters about his sore head; I then feel I can't ask him to do anything in the house as if I do, it's done with a "face on" and sighing, which makes me feel like a bad guy for asking. I don't think that he's trying to get out of doing stuff (he's honestly not like that, and does loads in the evenings after work), but I don't know how to discuss it with him without arguments.

I've tried making myself drinks and offering him a drink at the same time, but he won't have a hot drink as he is worried about pouring it over DS (fair enough) or a cold drink as DS tries to drink it too, and DH ends up covered in his own drink.

Now DS used to try this with me, but repeated use of the phrase "no!" and moving the drink away from him has worked well, as does putting juice into a screw top bottle so if he does grab it, it's nice and safe.

I've suggested to DH that he tries these techniques, when I am there to help as I will be having a rare day in the office on Tuesday and I'd like to make sure that DH can at least have a drink so he isn't crotchety at DS, but he just sighs and says it doesn't work.

We've had an animated discussion, not an argument really, about it this morning - but again nothing has been resolved and I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in Groundhog Day.

I'm probably also a little bit sensitive to people drinking enough as a colleague has just had his kidneys fail - admittedly the guy has diabetes which he struggles to control, but still it's a worrying thought.

How can I discuss this rationally with DH so that he hears my concern without been seen to "have a go" as I keep bringing the subject up - because the headaches keep occurring?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 31/12/2011 12:16

I used to have a mate with diabetes, and something I noticed with her was that when her blood sugar was low she got very unreasonable and ratty. Once I worked this out I used to bully her into taking a sugary drink when I noticed the signs, and it usually worked. Can you be firm with your H on this issue ie bring him a drink when he starts cobbing and stand over him till he drinks it? I know it's annoying to have to baby an adult like this but after a spell of doing so he should get a grip and start doing it himself.
Either that or insist he goes to the GP re the persistent headaches. Just in case something else is going on.

FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 12:18

Seriously? There is no need whatsoever to have a dirnk in reach of a child, just put it out of the way, drink in the kitchen once it is made, can't really see the issue, if he is getting headaches its nothing to do with lack of fluids you can go literally 12 hours without a drink before it affects your head.

Original poster
Flyingoutofcontrol · 31/12/2011 12:34

Well he is going 12 hours without a drink as he goes to bed at 10-11pm, then doesn't have a drink until DS naps at 10.30am - normally at his work he's had at least 4-5 hot drinks by then Confused

I have tried suggesting drinking in the kitchen and making him drinks, but I'm scuppered short of physically pouring it down his throat - and that would be a whole other relationship thread.

Just so worried about him Sad

OP posts:
Slightlytinsellyexpat · 31/12/2011 12:46

If his headaches are actually caused by not having enough to drink he needs to walk into the kitchen, pour himself a glass or two of water and drink it there and then.

Why is he making such a palaver out of it?

anonacfr · 31/12/2011 13:23

You're WORRIED about him?

I'd be worried that an adult can't find a tap and/or a kettle without help. I have 3 DCs and have never had an issue with drinking in their vicinity. Not has my OH.

I'm sorry but it does sound like he's trying to get out of doing things. IF he really does get a headache from not drinking your DH needs to get his arse in gear, step away from DS long enough to have a glass of water.

Doesn't your DH have breakfast in the morning? Doesn't DS spend time in a cot/ high chair at any point in the day?

Just re read your thread and saw that DS is now mobile. Can't your DH drink standing up then? I cannot imagine your toddler is tall enough to reach his father's drink.

diddl · 31/12/2011 13:44

Sorry, but does he have to actually sit down with every drink?

Can he not nip to the kitchen, make a cold drink & drink it straight down?

When mine were young I rarely had a hot drink in the day, but never got headaches through not drinking enough!

Sounds to me as if he´s taking the piss tbh!

SilentNotViolentNight · 31/12/2011 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglybeezer · 31/12/2011 13:55

I agree about the caffeine withdrawl, much more likely cause of headache.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 31/12/2011 13:57

A grown man can't manage to have a cuppa or a soft drink when he's caring for a mobile infant? Confused

And he allegedly gets headaches because he doesn't drink enough in the morning? Hmm

This has to be a wind-up.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 31/12/2011 13:59

Is this serious? Hmm
So if you left him with DC for a whole weekend, say, he would die of dehydration?
And can't he take a couple of aspirin rather than lying around moaning and not pulling his weight around the house?

tigermoll · 31/12/2011 14:00

On the face of it, this seems pretty odd. There's your DH, getting incapacitating headaches whenever he's left in charge of the kids for any length of time. This then makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells with regard to asking for his help with anything. And so you have convinced yourself that the reason for all this is that h doesn't drink enough, and dance around, trying to make him drink, while he refuses.

Look at it this way, - if the REAL reason for all these headaches was that your DH wasn't drinking enough, don;t you think he would actually just have a glass of water? Something else is going on here, definitely.

Mutt · 31/12/2011 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vicky2011 · 31/12/2011 14:05

Agree with Tigermoll, there must be more to this than dehydration headaches. No man would be so dim as to not simply walk into the kitchen and get himself a big glass of water. Would he???

And if he is that dim, how does he get dressed in the morning or hold down a job?

BalloonSlayer · 31/12/2011 14:09

I feel a bit sorry for the DH because one of my DCs had a bad scald from a hot drink so I take my hat off to him for trying to keep his DS safe.

I do wonder however if this is just, um, well not an excuse actually, but boredom with the whole being-at-home-with-a-small-DC thing. My DH used to feel ill every weekend when the older 2 DCs were small. As it happened he was going through a minor health issue at the time for which he had to take medication, and I put it down to this. Then, 7 years later when DC3 was small, the same thing happened again. I can tell you I was a LOT less sympathetic. But I get the same thing myself - the utter boredom of having to do jigsaws or play hungry hippos, the horror of Blue's Clues and Clifford the Big Red Dog can make me feel almost physically ill.

However, I am not sure I can think of a way of talking to your DH about it without sounding stern or pissed off.

BalloonSlayer · 31/12/2011 14:10

It could be lack of caffeine. What about caffeine tablets? Can you get those?

diddl · 31/12/2011 14:12

"I feel a bit sorry for the DH because one of my DCs had a bad scald from a hot drink"

But you don´t need hot drinks to live!

It´s possible to have one only when toddler naps or is in bed & still survive.

Unless he has some phobia/illness making this otherwise.

Or drinks so much coffee/tea at work in the week that he´s suffering withdrawal.

ArtVandelay · 31/12/2011 14:14

Aspirin or paracetamol? I find them fairly effective with headaches.

I think he's swinging the lead. Since when did a toddler prevent you having a drink? Or a headache prevent you from swallowing a couple of tablets and getting on with things?

naturalbaby · 31/12/2011 14:18

he's a grown man!! my dh also has several hot drinks during the morning at work so over the weekend we all sit down together and have a drink and snack at the table so he can at least get his 2nd caffeine hit of the day. i usually have a bottle of water or glass somewhere out of the kids reach so i can get a gulp every now and then.

don't you all have breakfast together?

i would have little sympathy for a headache in a housefull of jobs/chores/kids. have a drink, take a paracetamol/ibuprofen and get on with it!

ThompsonTwins · 31/12/2011 14:20

He a) is getting out of things, and b) averse to the idea of being told what to do even if the advice is good. Having small children can be difficult, tiring and boring but if you support one another through it, it's more bearable and even great fun for everyone sometimes.

TooEasilyTempted · 31/12/2011 15:56

This is the one of the more hilarious and inventive excuses I've heard anyone come up with for being a lazy bastard.

And he's got you nicely conditioned to feel bad about asking him to do anything when he has one of these frequent and convenient headaches.

Can I suggest you cut the sympathy, and hand him a glass of water, two paracetamol and a list of things you'd like him to do.

Seriously, this had got to be a wind up Hmm

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 31/12/2011 16:07

WTF, he's a grown up, he can surely understand that he needs to drink more. Weird.

diddl · 31/12/2011 16:14

It is weird-as (imo) is Op´s worrying & pandering to it.

It seems to me he could easily recitfy this himself and still be able to look after a toddlerHmmGrin

CailinDana · 31/12/2011 16:26

I am a SAHM and I drink plenty of hot drinks around my mobile DS. I just make sure they're up high out of reach and I sip them when he's not hanging off me. I agree with the others that your DH is massively taking the piss and you are being an utter mug. The next time he claims to have a headache just say "Oh that's shame, here's two paracetamol, now could you do the bathroom?"

That said, when DH and I are at home at the weekends and DS is asleep we both sit down on our arses. It's one of the few times in the day we get some peace. Any housework can be done while DS is awake, with one parent looking after him and the other one working.

otchayaniye · 31/12/2011 16:50

my husband is a Sahp and manages to have a couple of coffees and can run a tap/open a bottle of water with a baby and a toddler in the vicinity. even with one in a sling!

bizzare

MsLillyBeth · 31/12/2011 16:52

As he works in the week and ?does loads in the evenings after work?, perhaps he just wants an excuse to do as little as possible over the weekends? Is there some way the two of you can limit the weekend workload so you can have more down time together then? Otherwise, when he complains of a headache just hand him some painkillers and a glass of water; after all, you?re only thinking of his welfare Wink

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