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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to communicate with DH over a trivial issue?

42 replies

Flyingoutofcontrol · 31/12/2011 12:13

I love my DH. He is a good husband and a brilliant father, but we have a bit of a trivial issue which I have tried to raise with him, but when I do, I am accused of having a go - not what I want to do!

Basically, since DS has been mobile, DH at weekends (as he works in the week) gets headaches due to the fact that he isn't drinking enough in the morning. He then, when DS naps in the late morning, collapses onto the sofa with a pained expression and mutters about his sore head; I then feel I can't ask him to do anything in the house as if I do, it's done with a "face on" and sighing, which makes me feel like a bad guy for asking. I don't think that he's trying to get out of doing stuff (he's honestly not like that, and does loads in the evenings after work), but I don't know how to discuss it with him without arguments.

I've tried making myself drinks and offering him a drink at the same time, but he won't have a hot drink as he is worried about pouring it over DS (fair enough) or a cold drink as DS tries to drink it too, and DH ends up covered in his own drink.

Now DS used to try this with me, but repeated use of the phrase "no!" and moving the drink away from him has worked well, as does putting juice into a screw top bottle so if he does grab it, it's nice and safe.

I've suggested to DH that he tries these techniques, when I am there to help as I will be having a rare day in the office on Tuesday and I'd like to make sure that DH can at least have a drink so he isn't crotchety at DS, but he just sighs and says it doesn't work.

We've had an animated discussion, not an argument really, about it this morning - but again nothing has been resolved and I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in Groundhog Day.

I'm probably also a little bit sensitive to people drinking enough as a colleague has just had his kidneys fail - admittedly the guy has diabetes which he struggles to control, but still it's a worrying thought.

How can I discuss this rationally with DH so that he hears my concern without been seen to "have a go" as I keep bringing the subject up - because the headaches keep occurring?

OP posts:

otchayaniye · 31/12/2011 16:54

and my husband doesn't have the luxury (nor I when it's my days) of flopping on the sofa as our children have always napped in a sling wrap and never in a cot.

laziness. sheer laziness

lisaro · 31/12/2011 17:00

Sorry but I find this completely ridiculous!

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 17:03

Here's a novel idea - make the child and Dh have a glass/cup each.

I don't believe any of this. No adult (or child) would self dehydrate when there is fluid available. Infact Ifind is amazing a wife would attempt to micro-manage her husband to this extent.

Original poster

Flyingoutofcontrol · 31/12/2011 17:09

Well, I'm very sorry that everyone seems to find this issue "completely ridiculous" or "hilarious". I was under the impression that this area was for discussing relationships and issues within them; apparently this is only the case for more serious matters, so my apologies for posting incorrectly.

I was looking for some support and feedback on how to broach the topic with him (as I agree that it is not a good situation to be in) so that the lack of drinking can be addressed in a calm and constructive manner. My worry stems from my worry about my DH becoming ill, and is, for me, a concern - even if others do find it "bizarre".

So thank you all for the support, and know that I shall take it all on board and stick to the friendlier topics from now on.

OP posts:

MotherPanda · 31/12/2011 17:21

Flyingoutofcontrol - I know!

My husband DAILY comes home with a headache simply because he doesn't get a chance to drink in the day - this i can believe as he works in retail and really can't just nip off to have some water when he wants, or at least he feels he can't.

I have to actually tell him to take paracetamol, but I'm now concerned because he's taking far too much, every other day. That can't be good for you.

I have a 5 month old, and it is very annoying as he moans and groans about the pain as I say: can you take her - can you change her bum etc.

Honest - he is a good man! But apparently he doesn't actually notice being thirsty. He also has problems knowing when he needs the toilet (sometimes I have to tell him to go - I'll notice him being stressed and rushing things).

We both have Dyspraxia, so I think that explains some of his behaviour... any way...moral of the story is grown men don't always help themselves.

MsLillyBeth · 31/12/2011 17:24

Flying, communication isn?t my strong point in relationships so I don?t know what to advise you do really. I suppose if my BF was doing something similar I?d be inclined to ask him if there was some reason he wouldn?t do what he had to do to prevent getting headaches every weekend. I?d definitely want to get to the bottom of it but not sure it wouldn?t end up in a row if he refused to discuss it without saying I was getting to him. How do you approach the subject? Does he have any idea why he gets them or does he admit it?s dehydration? If it were my BF, and he wouldn?t discuss it, I?d just give him painkillers and a glass of water. What else can you do when they are like that?

MotherPanda · 31/12/2011 17:26

I like the posters idea above who said they made a 'tea time' break within the family - so you, dh and ds can all sit down for a drink and a biscuit etc - rather than 'nagging' and making having a drink something for your dh to be stubborn about.

Also - if your DH is genuinely worried about spills - get some sports no-spill bottles etc, or those brilliant thermos flasks which don't spill when knocked over - because as other posters said if he has a lot of caffeine in the week - he will get withdrawal headaches at the weekend if he suddenly cuts it out. Tescos have some of the flasks very cheap - this sort of thing

www.amazon.co.uk/Thermos-Thermocafe-Steel-Travel-Litre/dp/B001DYTO5Y/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1325352326&sr=8-3-fkmr0

Lizzabadger · 31/12/2011 17:29

It sounds like he just wants some downtime, which isn't a crime.

Can you negotiate that each of you gets the same amount of downtime at weekends and each of you is also responsible for particular household tasks?

If he really is getting regular headaches he should get them investigated. They could be caused by any number of things.

RandomMess · 31/12/2011 17:32

Does your dh usually drink coffee at work or tea?

If so he is likely to be having caffeine withdrawl headaches and they are horrendous.

Can I suggest you treat him to a cup of strong tea/coffee in bed before he gets up?

I take it this is the only situation where you are accused of nagging?

My personal experience is trying to discuss contentious issues at some other time entirely - ie one evening mid week.

BTW it has taken dh 11 YEARS and 2 bouts of pneumonia to realise his constant dehydration was contributing to his general feeling of exhaustsion and leaving him vulnerable to every cough and cold going around the office!

diddl · 31/12/2011 17:39

Well, unless I´ve misread, people may not be taking this too seriously as the "problem" only seems to occur at the weekends when he is on "toddler duty".

almostgrownup · 31/12/2011 17:53

It's lack of caffeine, isn't it? If your dh is having 4 or 5 hot drinks before 10.30am while at work, that is a lot of caffeine (whether tea or coffee). It would be best for him to cut down, drink herbal teas instead, for instance, and lots of water. Adults should be drinking around 2 litres of water a day.

cestlavielife · 31/12/2011 20:20

why dont you just give him drinks (in a cup with a lid) on the weekend at regular intervals and say "here drink this"

if he
says he doesnt want it say
"you know you will have a headache if you dont please drink it"

cestlavielife · 31/12/2011 20:21

oh and a nurofen at the same time preventative

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 20:34

diddl Well, unless I´ve misread, people may not be taking this too seriously as the "problem" only seems to occur at the weekends when he is on "toddler duty".

Also know as 'bone idleness'

otchayaniye · 31/12/2011 20:34

give him a lidded cup of lukewarm tea.

and stick him in a nappy while you're at it.

BalloonSlayer · 01/01/2012 08:52

OP there's no need to get all offended.

You posted because you are worried about your DH's health.

You have had a lot of replies from people who think he is basically skiving and you have fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

This is because the situation you describe is ludicrous. A grown man not drinking fluids/caffeine for 12 hours, claiming that the resulting headache prevents him from doing anything around the house, but refusing to take any simple steps to enable himself to avoid this . . . and instead of telling him to get a grip you worry about his health.

Posters on here are trying to tell you: stop worrying about him and tiptoeing around him, tell him to sort himself out.

QuickLookBusy · 01/01/2012 09:42

I agree with the other poster who said as your dh works all week and does lots every evening why can't he have a sit down when baby has a nap?

Do you and dh get any downtime at all at the weekend.

Also agree that headaches are caused by caffeine withdrawal.

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