The Brave Babes Battle Bus - New Year, New Start And With A Firm Resolution In Their Hearts.

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse and I have an ever changing relationship with alcohol.

This is the Brave Babes Battle Bus, it's a support thread for those who feel their drinking habits are not what they should be, or even those of another.

Sober, drinking or somewhere in between, come take a seat.

And for those who would like to know where this all started, HERE is a link to the threads before this one.

Make THIS year THE year that you change your life, for the better.

Have a Happy New Year, full of memories to treasure, not to forget.

On the train coming back from client meeting. In first class and the drinks trolley has been past. Am having sparkling tester. Shocking to think the ordinarily I would have ordered a g and t or glass of wine. Thank goodness for you lot.

You advised me to cut back on anything extracurricular... Unfortunately there is something I committed to some time go - a reply to the laddies toast at a burns night next week. I have been so busy and stressed out I haven't even though pt out it and am going to use these 4 hours on the train to make a stab at it.

Any ideas... This way please!

Sparkling tester? Sparkling WATER! Damn ipad

Ha! It is soooo hard the little jangling trolley keeps coming round... And there is that weird 'no-one knows where I am and I could get away with it' feeling. I really thought I had moved to a new level with the no drinking thing but this is a real struggle.

Woman across aisle is having a g and t

Elderflower a great idea - but i actually have to make the speech too! For F Sake why did I agree to this

How are you doing Isinde?

Hello

Hi Christi, you still on the sparkling water? Good for you. Bet you feel great. That'll be you Isinde, next time you go on one of your jet-setting trips :) That woman across the aisle might feel like boiled shite tomorrow, she might be feeling all sorts of guilt right now. Don't do it, Christi!! I know it's bloody hard though. It's a real test. But you will pass...:) I have no suggestions regarding the speech. Aarrgghhhhh! Can't think of anything worse! I realise that's not particularly helpful, sorry :o

Hope everyone is having a good day. Mouse, hope your appointment went OK.

Onesunny, that's a relief that there's nothing to worry about. Well done for going to the doctor. It's easy to put these things off.

Theala, fab news re the snoring solution!! I feel your pain :)

Saf what you said before kind of sums up why I drink - "the easy option then for a change of scene in your mind is to drink your way to feeling different i reckon. change in a bottle?" That's it. Exactly. Hit the nail on the head. Etc etc. That's why this addiction is so powerful. It has the power to change our emotions, how we feel. And that's what I feel I need right now. Suddenly my nice day became very triggery. Was with a friend who I haven't known too long and she mentioned a problem she was having with her dad. For some reason I chose to tell her (briefly) about mine. I can't remember talking about my dad with anyone for years and years. And now I'm sat here feeling overwhelmed by sadness and anger and hopelessness, just after a ten minute conversation where I hardly told her anything. I thought opening up was supposed to help?? I just feel incredibly down and emotional now. Out of nowhere. How do I change the scene in my mind?? Hard when you have a houseful of kids and tea etc to get through. I realise there's nothing anyone can say or do. I suppose coming on here is better than doing what I feel like doing. Fuck the fuck off you fucking fucker (that is directed at the wine, not at any Babes :o)

Yes silly I have drunk loads of water and tea and eaten tons of sandwiches and even a cream scone! Grim! But necessary. My diet today has been awful.

I have been trying to get inspiration for my speech and none has come. Can I pull out?

What happened with your dad silly?

SSSM because you are not turning to the drink you are having to face those feelings. It will be hard, of course, it will and sharing does help if it's done in a way which you are comfortable with. So you shared a tiny little bit and you dealt with the feelings by allowing yourself to feel them. A little bit at a time is the least painful way to go but perhaps this should be done with a professional. Telling friends is fine but you are placing a lot of trust in them. Feeling those feelings is a bit like seeing the hangover through to the end. Horrible, tiring, emotional but ultimately worth it. Well done, you are coping, you will be fine.

Sunny I told you so am glad it turned out to be nothing serious. You did the right thing checking with the GP. Now you are not worrying yourself sick and can get on with a healthier life.

silly - hang on in there. the kids will eventually go to bed and you'll get some time to yourself and can go lay in a ball and cry if you need to or distract yourself with playing games online or doing stuff around the house or can write it all out if it will help or meditate or whatever it takes. maybe you do need to talk about it and let it out and weren't able to do that with your new friend so now it's all bubbling away because it's been triggered but not felt/expressed.

we def use alcohol to stuff this stuff down but it isn't healthy as this 'stuff' is part of us and doesn't go away by getting pissed.

fwiw you're allowed to feel sad, angry, etc etc. there's no crime in feeling. try not to fight it and beat yourself up for feeling it. i bet you have good reason for those emotions. if you weren't allowed to feel hurt or it wasn't safe/sensible/possible at the time then you have to feel it sooner or later i guess - sounds daft to say but it is safe to feel x

Well done Christi. I knew you could do it I'm sure some clever and witty Babe will come along later to help with the speech!

Sorry i realise my last post might have appeared seeking-ish (why doesn't my brain work anymore? Can't think of any words!). Long story re my 'Dad'. Basically he left when I was 5 (spprox - no-one ever talks about if). He suffers from OCD and anxiety and is also just a very difficult person. He just talks about himself and acts in a very selfish way. Whilst I have a huge amount of sympathy for him I find every single interaction with him upsetting. I have always felt like the parent in the relationship and I gain nothing but stress and upset from the relationship. And it's been like that all my life. The worry and responsibility, coupled with his self-centred behaviour, is a difficult combination. Sorry, I must sound very hard and unsympathetic. I'm not with other people. I guess you'd have to meet him

Just read that back and I sound like a right unsympathetic cow. I'm not generally. My Dad is, as one so-called friend one said "the weirdest person he'd ever met". Hard to describe. He's not someone who is simply anxious and unhappy. He has been this way for almost 40 years, completely ignores me when I ask him to do/not do little things (eg please don't phone my employer and ask personal questions about me, please don't give my phone number to your random and equally strange friends, etc). Oh the list is endless. It's really hard to describe what he's like. I have every sympathy for people with mental health problems (let's face it I have my own) but 40 years of him being totally self-absorbed takes it's toll.

Thanks for being here. Without you I would be drinking right now for sure

you don't sound unsympathetic at all! even if you feel sorry for your dad and acknowledge he's ill you have every right to be angry and hurt and resentful and all sorts of other things for what he has been and what he hasn't been in your life. sounds like you feel a lot of obligation to put up with him even though he's given very little. you've no need to apologise for anything.

mental illness doesn't excuse everything you know? and you matter too. sorry not very helpful but can read the guilt in feeling perfectly legitimate things which is sad to read.

SSSM you don't sound unsympathetic at all, but you do sound a little down. Are you able to take a little time for yourself this evening? Have a long soak in a bubble bath or read a good book, whatever relaxes you. Remeber Bproud talked about rewarding yourself with something special with the money you saved from not drinking, so you could surf the web and mentally spend it .

Well done Boss, keep at it x

Thanks Saf, thanks ^Faire*. You don't always realise what's bubbling away under the surface do you? That completely took me by surprise. It's hard to explain everything. When I told my friend a little about him today (after she mentioned not having contact with her dad for over 10 years), she said it made her feel better about her family. I'm pleased for her (she is lovely) and I suppose that is what you might call validation? But whilst it is good to know that it's not just me that thinks that this is a sad situation, it has also upset me to have it confirmed. Oh that makes no sense! Time to switch my head off I think!

Thanks again. Without you I would be drunk right now and you know how gutted I would be tomorrow. Thank you xxx

confirmation is a bit like having permission to feel sad - it's ok to feel sad for yourself. bit of self compassion. do something nice for yourself and try and talk nicely to yourself itms. that would be a real reward whereas alcohol would just be self destruct, not really a treat at all.

hope you get some sleep.

i'm aiming to try and sleep at a reasonable hour tonight. lay awake till silly o clock last night and don't want to repeat it so i will say goodnight now and start unwinding for sleep.

take care everyone.

Thanks Saf. Sleep well. I owe you one x

Where is everyone? Hope everyone is OK.

Tonight I will not be drinking (by the skin of my teeth ))

Hello, am in bed, got through today, was tricky

silly it is funny what can bubble up. Hope you have a restful night. It sounds like you have had to deal with a lot with your father. I wish I had words of wisdom and advice

christi WELL DONE you. And you know that the wine on the train would have cost a fortune and would have tasted really rough, and the G&T would have been luke warm and in a plastic glass with no lime/lemon slices, so you can be doubly pleased that you avoided all of that - it wouldn't even have been nice, it was just an illusion, and you weren't tricked by it.

How about themeing your speech around the names of cocktails? Lots of suggestive ones, as well as sophisticated 'cosmopolitan' or 'white lady' types. You could even throw in a couple of non-alcoholic cocktails such as a 'virgin mary' (and you could drink a non-alcoholic cocktail to match).

Actually SSSM by posting here tonight you saved yourself from drinking. You didn't have to turn to us, but that's the choice you made, so your not drinking is down to you, my lovely. Well done. Hope you get a good night's sleep and feel more positive tomorrow .

What Fairenuff says is true. Posting here is a really helpful thing to do. Helpful for your sobriety and others on the bus. Whether you're struggling or even when things feel ok taking a moment to feel and share really helps.

well done christi, proud you held out.

hope you got a decent night's sleep and resisted turning to drink as an auto response to emotion silly. seems to be a common theme amongst us. i really think that learning to deal with our emotions is a big part of dealing with drinking issues for many of us.

i know i can make some very telling connections when i think about my past and drinking - there is a distinct point and event where i started drinking to drown emotion that i couldn't handle and had no support with. even though i'd drunk before that and gotten pissed with friends for 'fun' in a teen way the drinking at that point became very different, i was definitely 'using' alcohol as a crutch or more likely as an aid to dissociating from my life.

it seems likely to me that for some of us if we've used drinking as a flood defense against our emotions for a long time then the waters are bound to have built up iyswim and we're bound to get a bit wet when we take down that barrier.

but i'm also thinking that the emotion that through avoidance we've built up to seem like this huge terrifying presence that threatens to overwhelm us is probably not that bad to face. does that make sense? especially if we can face it little by little it's probably really not that bad and not a threat to us after all.

right enough of me waffling sorry folks! off to get on with morning stuff - have a nice day everyone.

I know what you mean isinde, some people really can just take it or leave it, rather than judging any occasion as an opportunity to have a drink.
Well done christi, I think a drinks trolley on a long train ride is about as strong a temptation as you can get. Once you had got the water did it get easier? Or were you debating the wine the whole way?

I'm supposed to be going to the pub after work today. I'm driving so not drinking wont be hard but I'm tempted to just not bother. But then again I think I should go as it will be a good opportunity to have a soft drink in a pub and see how it goes iyswim. Not that I've never had a soft drink in a pub before, but not since my new sober head was fitted.