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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I have your opinion on this please?

72 replies

alternateID · 30/12/2011 23:38

Something happened between me and H a few weeks ago which I considered to be a marriage ending event. The short version is that after nearly 3 months of problems between us, caused by his (not entirely unfounded) jealousy he flipped and attacked me verbally and physically. It happened after a very large amount of alcohol had been consumed by both of us during a night out together, but we had actually been having a very nice time and there was no hint of bad feeling or tension between us directly before it happened. In fact, we had just had sex. Suddenly his mood changed and he started screaming at me and calling me all kinds of disgusting names. He was just so clearly full of hate and anger. I was utterly shocked and after a few minutes I tried to get away from him and he grabbed me by the arms and continued to shout obscenities in my face. He wasn't hurting me but I was very scared. Eventually he pushed me away from him sharply and I landed on my back on the bedroom floor. He then climbed into bed and fell asleep. The next morning he couldn't remember anything much but had a hazy recollection of holding me by the arms. I had three sets of bruises on my upper arms which lasted a week or so and a sore back and shoulders which lasted a day or two.

Now, here's the thing. I considered this to be a deal breaker. Ok, so he didn't beat me up or anything, but he left bruises on me and terrified me. I honestly thought it was a no-brainer, just completely unacceptable. However, I have told the story to a small number of people (including a counsellor which H voluntarily went to see after this happened) and without exception they have all played it down. No one has said to me that that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. Both the counsellor and my mother have effectively taken his side I feel, and made me feel like I have massively overreacted to what he did.

There are some mitigating factors I suppose, I have had feelings for someone else but not acted on them in any way. H knows about my feelings and knows I haven't done anything about them but he has been tortured by jealousy for months and is very stressed as a result. In my opinion this does not in any way excuse his behaviour but everyone else I've spoken to seems to feel otherwise. Who's right? I would really appreciate some honest opinions. Thanks.

OP posts:

lazarusinNazareth · 31/12/2011 13:28

There is never any defence for attacking someone like this, jealous or not. Your Mum and friends are way out of line.

ameliagrey · 31/12/2011 15:49

I think it's the drink that is the issue here. people do all kinds of things under the influence of drink and drugs that they would never dream of doing when sober.

I can't tell you what to do. You need to have along hard look at the whole relationship, given that you " have feelings for someone else."

It doesn't sound as if youhave been fair to him, and although there is no excuse at all for violence, if eh was drunk I'd be tempted to give him one chance- as long as he stops drinking like a silly teenager and acts like a grown up.

But- if there is a back history to this and there is more than you are saying re. violence then yes, I'd be out - now.

oikopolis · 31/12/2011 16:11

"roughing someone up" is assault. That counsellor should be struck off and, imo, you should not stay in this situation. if he can do this just because he's jealous, then good God, what will he do when something significant happens?

He definitely blames me and the feelings I had for the other person on his actions

that is fucking chilling. really. if my DH screamed abuse in my face, bruised me and threw me to the floor while he was drunk, he would be crawling on his hands and knees begging me to forgive him.

...reading more of your posts, i want to scream in that counsellor's face. has she had a brain injury or something?

I will say that when violence (psychological or physical) is involved, couples counselling (even when you see the counsellor separately) is actually not a good idea at all. because of the extreme manipulation that takes place. the counsellor effectively becomes a pawn in the abuser's game.

anonacfr · 31/12/2011 20:19

Amelia have you actually read the thread? It wasn't a one off he threw a drink in her face because he thought OP was flirting with his brother- when it wasn't the case at all.

I agree it's a drinking issue it the OP's partner has found excuse after excuse to keep drinking. At the moment he's saying there's no point giving up while he's living away and he'll give up when he gets home. Yeah right.

Fact if he was really sorry and committed to saving his marriage he would be showing it. Instead he's trying to convince the OP that she's exaggerating and being roughed up is not that bad.

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 20:22

I have had feelings for someone else but not acted on them in any way. H knows about my feelings and knows I haven't done anything about them but he has been tortured by jealousy for months and is very stressed as a result.

And no one has addressed this?

anonacfr · 31/12/2011 20:23

Are you talking to us or OP?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 31/12/2011 20:38

I'm with trois, there is a bigger issue here. Violence is not acceptable, in any way...but, this must be killing your DH inside.
I have similar issues with my DH but the opposite way, I'm dying inside it feels like. I have on two occasions when Dh has called me irrational crazy too much flipped. I hate myself even more for that. My and probably your DH's self esteem will be on the floor. Have you two been to counselling to discuss how this has affected him (and you.) what level of contact do you have with the person you have feelings for, have you cut all contact entirely? DH works with his and is about to promote her, again killing me, although he's just doing
his job.
Again, no excuse for violence, but what help has your Dh had in this situation to help him handle his feelings?

coppertop · 31/12/2011 20:40

I wonder if your mother would have had the same response to your H's behaviour if she had been the one on the receiving end?

And if your H had grabbed the counsellor by the arms during a counselling session and had pushed her to the floor, do you think she would still think it was fine?

FairstiveGreetings · 31/12/2011 22:10

trois and paranoid OP is attracted to someone, and that's it. She has done nothing about it except post her thoughts on mn and her dh read about it. He is jealous that she is attracted to someone else. He is also jealous of his brother who he thinks fancies OP. She has done nothing except have private thoughts.

Original poster

alternateID · 01/01/2012 14:52

Hi, sorry I wasn't able to get back to this thread for various reasons yesterday. I take on board what everyone is saying about the counsellor. I think she does possibly have an agenda although I can't figure out what it is at the moment, but I will arrange to see someone else if I decide to continue with counselling. It's not going to be helpful for us both to use the same counsellor, I can see that.

Troisgarcons and Paranoidandroid, yes I totally understand how horrible it has been for H once he had discovered I had feelings for someone else. They weren't romantic feelings, just lust really, but I think for a man that is particularly hard to deal with. However, they were my private thoughts and I had no intention of acting on them. I had minimal contact with the other person but I had not cut contact completely as that would have meant me giving up a activity that I really enjoy and that is my only real hobby and opportunity to get out of the house and have some time for myself. I wasn't prepared to do that and perhaps that was unfair on H, he certainly thought so. I believed that the feelings I was having would fizzle out in time but once H found out he demanded I stop having these feelings immediately. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

H did not have any counselling before he moved out as he did not think he needed it

I tried to explain to H that if he had behaved the way he did with anyone else, a work colleague for instance, he would have been arrested for assault. He accepts this but again says that the situation would never have arisen with anyone else as there wouldn't have been the issues leading up to it causing all the stress. I feel that he is still trying to put some of the blame for this on me with that response, but naturally he doesn't agree. I hope that this is what the counsellor will help him with because there is just no future for us at all as things currently are.

OP posts:

Original poster

alternateID · 01/01/2012 14:58

Coppertop yes I agree, I think if any of the people I have spoken to about this had been on the receiving end of it they might have a different opinion, but it's a bit soul destroying when you confide in people about something horrible that has happened to you and they minimise it or dismiss it. I'm not all that surprised about my mother's reaction - she doesn't deal with anything really, she just sticks her head in the sand - but I was still a bit saddened by her lack of support.

OP posts:

whogivesastuff · 01/01/2012 15:09

Only you know what is a deal breaker for you

this ^^

why bother asking 1001 other people, 999 wil give differing opinions

Rowood · 01/01/2012 15:13

I don't think you need to ask anyone on here. It's your decision. I don't need other peoples reactions. What's good for one couple isn't for others and vice versa. Good luck and do what YOU need to

Yama · 01/01/2012 15:51

You actually don't need a reason to end a relationship you no longer wish to be in.

I can understand though that other people's responses (in rl) have made you question an incident that only you and your husband witnessed. I hope that the majority of responses on here have helped to validate your feelings.

You don't need to take him back if you don't want to. Would be nice if your Mum was on your side I imagine.

solidgoldbrass · 01/01/2012 20:06

I'll say it again: this man's jealousy DOES NOT JUSTIFY PHYSICAL ASSAULT. Tough shit if he's miserable because his partner fancies someone else. No wonder she fancies someone else, she's married to a loser - anyone who thinks they are entitled to use violence to enforce monogamy or keep a partner who wishes to live is a loser and deserves to be dumped. If your partner fancies someone other than you, you suck it up. You can walk away, sure, but you are NOT EVER 'entitled' to attack a partner for not loving you 'enough'.

poorbuthappy · 01/01/2012 20:12

How did he find out you had feelings for another man?

SalmeMurrikAgain · 01/01/2012 22:10

poorbuthappy, I gather from reading upthread that OP's H only found out about her feelings for another man because he snooped on a post she put on MN.

His behaviour is not fucking on . As poster stickaforkinmeimdone (I think) previously observed, the people in OP's life who should be supporting her but instead are trying to downplay and normalise this man's controlling and violent behaviour are probably inadvertently revealing a lot about their own lives and relationships.

If someone did this to me, I would never really be able to feel the same way about them again. Whether I was scared of them, angry with them or (probably) a combination of both, the damage would most likely be irreperable.

OP, good luck again. Sounds like you already know how to stand up for yourself, and that's more than half the battle.

anonacfr · 01/01/2012 23:10

Let's not forget that he was quite happy to throw a drink in her face because he had it in his head that OP fancied his own brother, a man she can't actually stand.
The fact that she had feelings for someone else is a convenient 'excuse' as far as this guy is concerned.

poorbuthappy · 02/01/2012 09:15

Don't misunderstand the question I was simply curious.

elephantsaregreen · 02/01/2012 09:43

Can I just comment off-topic and say that I think SGB is my hero?

ballstoit · 02/01/2012 09:59

He accepts this but again says that the situation would never have arisen with anyone else as there wouldn't have been the issues leading up to it causing all the stress.

Well, he has been 'stressed' and he has been in contact with other people, hasn't he? But he didn't choose assault any of them.

He knew he felt jealous and angry and chose to assault you as a result. He chose to get drunk, believing that to be an excuse for his subsequent behaviour.

He is now choosing to blame you for what happened, despite the fact that you had done nothing wrong and, at the time of the assault weren't even involved in an argument with him. He is choosing to pretend that he assaulted you because he 'loves you so much'.

So if he has chosen to assault you and then chosen to justify the assault, you can (and in my view should) choose to get as far away from him as possible.

lazarusinNazareth · 02/01/2012 10:42

FWIW, my ex first threatened me because of jealousy. A man (who I didn't know) asked where the toilets were when we were out with friends at a bar one night. That was enough. I wish I'd seen the warning signs and got out then. It was my 18th birthday and I was 2 months pg. But I stuck it out and it escalated. I remember family members and friends would tell me I must have provoked him, he was so quiet etc...I think you've done the right thing OP, stick to your guns. Jealousy is not a defence (even in law).

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