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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just need to have a grump somewhere! Family constantly putting me down.

30 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 12:54

I've just got back from my parents' house, where DH and I went to see my parents and my brother and his partner for a couple of days. The expectation is I'll turn up, go to the kitchen and stay there for several hours helping mum. My brother will occasionally wander in and do a bit, for which he will be lavishly praised. DH will help me, but this will confuse my mum.

This year I think my brother was in a rotten mood as he was saying everything in a rude tone - eg., he knows DH and I are religious and he kept looking at us and saying things like 'you know all that god stuff is bollocks, right?'. My dad is an atheist and has previously insisted I am out of order as I can't provide a convincing argument why I believe, and my brother deserves an explanation. But I don't talk about it or mention it in front of him so I wish he'd just shut up. He knows this but keeps on.

My parents' house has mice in the room I had as a child. Thankfully the guest room was free this year so we slept there, but I wanted to clean the room as they said they intended to use it for my baby niece when she's bigger. My dad, as usual, looked puzzled and said there were no mice and my brother shouted me down. So I showed my brother the mouse droppings everywhere and started to explain it was unhealthy, and he said to shut up and let him say his bit, and came out with 'you upset mum and dad every time you tell them there are mice, so why don't you just clean it up and keep quiet'?

I did manage to tell him calmly that I was upset by his attitude and felt he was not being fair, but he did nothing and obviously I did end up yet again trying to persuade my parents they need to get the mice sorted and reminding them not to use the room for guests and especially for my baby niece.

I am worried about my parents - they're not that old but the house is a mess, and even my brother's partner suggested they should get a cleaner. But I feel I get expected to do all the work when I go back there and I cannot get my brothers to see this is totally unfair. My dad spent all the time setting himself up as a great expert in caring for babies and telling us all how we'd have to do things - they know I would love to have a baby and they know we're not expecting one and I just felt rotten about him going on and on about it.

Sorry, this is long and incoherent and I don't mind if you don't reply, just feeling low and tired and wanted to write it all down and get it out.

OP posts:
PregolaLolaOnAlittleDonkey · 30/12/2011 13:22

i don't have much advice but if it helps my family are fairly similar in the way they act and oh it bothers me so much
my mum seems to get emotional when we mention things about her house to her like for instance we won't be putting the baby down for a nap upstairs as she uses the cot for the cat to sleep in when there are no kids around and its forever full of hair and dirt she cries and say's but x and x always use it and i get call from either one within the hour 'just spoke to mum, you upset her again' she is only 50 so honestly not old but is forever in a mess at home even the slightest offer of a hand and i'm being rude!

we tend not to visit often

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 13:49

It does help ... it's good to hear a sympathetic voice. Smile

Your mum sounds difficult. It must be really tough when you have to consider the baby - you wonder how she managed to bring you up if she thinks the cot the cat has used would be ok!

OP posts:
PregolaLolaOnAlittleDonkey · 30/12/2011 14:36

Your mum sounds difficult. It must be really tough when you have to consider the baby - you wonder how she managed to bring you up if she thinks the cot the cat has used would be ok!
honestly her argument is always 'well i brought all of you up alright'

she once said it whilst dipping DNeices (3ms) dummy in a pot of honey Hmm

are they like this all the time like my mum ?

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 14:42

Oh, that would drive me up the wall ... there's no reply to 'well I brought you up alright' is there?!

Mine are a nightmare, I just forget it when I'm not there and I'm annoyed to see my brother turning into the same sort as my dad - assuming it is woman's work to do the cleaning up and that he has a duty to keep putting me in my place by putting me down. Meh. I am wondering about emailing him to say how out of line I think he was, as I know I can't change my dad.

OP posts:
BobblyGussets · 30/12/2011 14:42

How old is your brother LRD? If he is a teenager, then ok, you can go easy on him, but I really hope a grown man isn't shouting at you in your parent's home.

PregolaLolaOnAlittleDonkey · 30/12/2011 14:58

honestly, NO! i just have to sort of grumble, in reality i know i'm only normal because of my dad must be that.
I have a different dad to the other three and my sister and i who both are close to my dad are completely the same my other sister and my brother are all for my mum so my brother tends to just act how she wishes and then there's my sister she is a strange one talks like 50 cent and looks like Essex personified my mother seems to copy her like a sixteen year old friend.

Grin this is my family ! i sell them well don't i ?

i'd say email or text him just let him know it really isn't on to be talking to you like that.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 15:00

He's 23. He doesn't raise his voice, to be fair - he just says everything in a rude tone. He constantly cuts me off saying 'now, shut up and let me have my say' or 'are you going to listen to me now' - he says he always knows what I am going to say and thinks I should stop saying it and listen to him.

It's just his solution to the problems with my parents does not involve him doing any actual work!

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 15:03

Oops, cross posted.

Crikey, pregola! I know what you mean btw, there's a point where you just have to grin and shake your head or you'd go mad wondering why they're like that.

I think I will email him. I always react too slowly at the time.

OP posts:
PregolaLolaOnAlittleDonkey · 30/12/2011 15:08

I think everyone has times when they don't react right there and then, i often think of something dead good to say on the way home it's so annoying !

my in laws aren't far off either so my only relief is my wonderful father

oh and think of a quick comeback for something you know will definitely be said, i can generally predict what comments will be made i am currently preparing for new years day dinner at my mum's with everyone hooray Hmm

pinkhalf · 30/12/2011 15:55

Fine, if he must gob off like this, make him responsible for something. He can do the vegetables.

Just give it back to him and don't let him get away with it. You don't need armchair generals. Do it in front of your parents. If he doesn't like it, or they don't like it, don't cook. You are just making things worse for yourself by complying.

Don't email, take control NOW.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 16:00

It doesn't work like that. When I am working, if I call him and ask him to do something, I will be told I am 'bossy' and he will do one job, get praised lavishly, and go away again. This is why DH and I don't spend Christmas day there any more. He's my brother so my parents think I shouldn't tell him what do to, but if I do nothing, my mum ends up doing all the work and getting so tired and stressed. I can't make her see that she could make life easier for herself and I can't get them to pitch in properly.

OP posts:
pinkhalf · 30/12/2011 16:11

Then I suggest that you and your mum go buy yourself dinner, alone and have a very good chat. Leave your brother's suggestions to the thin air.

Really. You aren't being bossy, everyone is eating the meal, everyone helps. I grew up in a house just like the one you describe. The system was finally broken by meals not appearing and now everyone pitches in.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 16:12

I think you should start having family meals at pubs/restaurants.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 16:14

That sounds like a good idea - I would like to sound her out as I suspect she's worried about things too.

I'm hoping next year we might have a place where we could invite my parents over (our place now is not big enough), and then I think it'd be much easier to get my dad pitching in with cooking.

I am still tempted to email my brother though, as I wouldn't expect to talk to another adult like that and it did put a dampner on my christmas TBH.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 16:16

Sorry, that was to pink. My mum claims she loves to cook for us - she would be so hurt if anyone suggested going out.

She's trapped in that horrible set-up where she does all the cooking and most of the housework, but also defends doing it because she thinks it gives her self-worth. I feel rotten for her, but I really don't want to see my brother turn into the sort of man who would prop up that system!

OP posts:
pinkhalf · 30/12/2011 16:21

Good stuff!

Then title your email:

"Shut up and let me have my say"

:o

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 16:23
Grin

Tempting!

I am going to have a think what to say and might pop back and run it past people in a bit.

Thanks for all the help.

OP posts:
PregolaLolaOnAlittleDonkey · 30/12/2011 16:27

oh that sounds a bit like MIL with the self-worth thing, she would happily make work for herself just so she could say 'oh i'm knackered I've been doing x for hours'
she does it with cooking all the time and that includes taking two days yes 48 hours to make a bolognese using a jar sauce !?! i think that has just developed as she gets praise and loves it like oh i don't know how you do it, she is professionally mothering and its the only job she's ever had or known maybe your mum seeks the same sort of praise OP

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2011 16:30

Yes, I think it sounds very similar.

It is difficult isn't it, because I think being on MN I get used to quite a straightforward 'don't work yourself into a tizz for the sake of it' attitude being the norm, and it's hard to remember my mum just can't see it like that. She tends to roll her eyes at 'your feminism' when I think it's just plain common sense!

Sorry to hear your MIL is the same.

OP posts:
pinkhalf · 30/12/2011 16:36

I would add the art of distraction - if you get your mother interested in something else (not "feminist") she will have less time to martyr herself and be a lot less interested in bothering in it. Her self worth would be tied to something other than cooking.

Time to suggest a new year's resolution?

BalloonSlayer · 30/12/2011 16:38

Is your brother the PITA the father of the niece who will be sleeping in the room with mice?

If he knows there are mice, then it's his problem.

If it's another brother, I should just let him or the SIL know about the mice and cot and let them deal with it.

Pick your battles, basically.

I can understand your concern but if the baby's parents know about it and aren't bothered, you making an issue of it is bound to irritate them all - even though you are right!

HollyGhost · 30/12/2011 17:12

what BalloonSlayer said

and why do you need to spend "several hours" helping your Mum? I suspect it is because she is like mine, who has a martyr complex, and always does everything in the most complicated way possible.

This year was the least stressful yet. My mother had a minor accident and could not prepare Christmas dinner. So we did it with minimal fuss. She was horrified that we were cutting corners e.g. by not spending hours making her bizarre stuffing, but even she agreed that everything was lovely in the end, and nobody was frazzled.

Maybe next year, you could suggest getting the whole thing in from M&S? Xmas Grin

your brother sounds like a prick, don't let him wind you up. Maybe use the MN favourite "that sounded rude, did you mean it to be?"

Seabright · 30/12/2011 17:49

Going back to the mouse issue, it is important, because mice are incontinent. You can see mouse poo, but they wee in a constant little dribble, so it will be everywhere.

They can get through holes that are as small as a bic biro, as they can compress their bones.

You parents need mouse traps and a big, hungry cat.

HollyGhost · 30/12/2011 17:56

Mice in an unused bedroom not important so long as the baby's parents know. They can choose to sort out the problem or co-sleep.

However, it is v. unlikely that they are just in that room Xmas Grin I suspect the OP's parents have long been cohabiting happily with them.

Seabright · 30/12/2011 19:12

Agree they won't be in just one room. If you were a mouse would you rather be in a nice warm food filled kitchen or an unused bedroom?

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