Just need to have a grump somewhere! Family constantly putting me down.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I've just got back from my parents' house, where DH and I went to see my parents and my brother and his partner for a couple of days. The expectation is I'll turn up, go to the kitchen and stay there for several hours helping mum. My brother will occasionally wander in and do a bit, for which he will be lavishly praised. DH will help me, but this will confuse my mum.

This year I think my brother was in a rotten mood as he was saying everything in a rude tone - eg., he knows DH and I are religious and he kept looking at us and saying things like 'you know all that god stuff is bollocks, right?'. My dad is an atheist and has previously insisted I am out of order as I can't provide a convincing argument why I believe, and my brother deserves an explanation. But I don't talk about it or mention it in front of him so I wish he'd just shut up. He knows this but keeps on.

My parents' house has mice in the room I had as a child. Thankfully the guest room was free this year so we slept there, but I wanted to clean the room as they said they intended to use it for my baby niece when she's bigger. My dad, as usual, looked puzzled and said there were no mice and my brother shouted me down. So I showed my brother the mouse droppings everywhere and started to explain it was unhealthy, and he said to shut up and let him say his bit, and came out with 'you upset mum and dad every time you tell them there are mice, so why don't you just clean it up and keep quiet'?

I did manage to tell him calmly that I was upset by his attitude and felt he was not being fair, but he did nothing and obviously I did end up yet again trying to persuade my parents they need to get the mice sorted and reminding them not to use the room for guests and especially for my baby niece.

I am worried about my parents - they're not that old but the house is a mess, and even my brother's partner suggested they should get a cleaner. But I feel I get expected to do all the work when I go back there and I cannot get my brothers to see this is totally unfair. My dad spent all the time setting himself up as a great expert in caring for babies and telling us all how we'd have to do things - they know I would love to have a baby and they know we're not expecting one and I just felt rotten about him going on and on about it.

Sorry, this is long and incoherent and I don't mind if you don't reply, just feeling low and tired and wanted to write it all down and get it out.

Wrong thread! Ignore me!

Oh Lord! Am on right thread. And haven't even had any wine yet. Think i'd better get some!

Hands to sea.

My brother who has the baby doesn't know about the mice - I am going to talk to him about it when we see him next, as he's not going to visit before then.

They've only just got mice out of the kitchen - they used to be all over it then my parents did the kitchen over and in the process blocked all the holes, and there have been no signs of mice there for over a year. I suspect they're living in the walls upstairs though.

I'm still working on how to email my brother. This is long and I still haven't mentioned the thing about how he talks to me and him making nasty comments about my religion - should I leave it?

"Hi,

I know you thought I was getting it wrong about the mice. Just to check we're on the same page, I've cleaned that room every Christmas for four years, and whenever I come home in between, and the mice keep coming back. I am quite worried about it since mum and dad seem to think the room is safe and mouse droppings are actually quite a big health hazard. I'm especially thinking of [niece] since mum mentioned putting her to sleep there when she is a bit bigger, and she could get ill. I know you may feel this could be dealt with closer to the time, but it is a serious concern. I'm also worried about both of them - they seem to be getting ill/hurt quite often. As you said, dad really could get someone in to do the hedge. I don't know if we can convince them, but do you think it is a real concern?

[DH] points out you probably go and stay with them more often than me and I know you feel it's still your home. So maybe it didn't make much sense to you why I wasn't just clearing up the mess in my own room? The thing is, I moved out a long time ago, and I don't stay there often. I don't feel I can just keep cleaning up that house and treating the mice as my problem - it's my old room, but it's their house now, and the problem is bigger than just whether or not [DH] and I want to sleep in a room with mice in it.

Let me know what you think and what you think the best option is."

Have had wine now, so more coherent! I think your email is good. Although he deserves to be shouted at, he won't listen if you do, but your email hits the right mark to make him listen- asking for his views etc.