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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Quick comments please

46 replies

atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:04

Tonight I have tried not to drink anything, by 8pm I had a glass for the flight programme.

After the programme my OH (1.5 bottles) said he was going to bed.
He stood at the bottom of the stairs and said 'Good night'

30 secs later he was back in with a glass of red wine.

"I thought you were going to bed?"

"No"

He has now accused me of being "insane, barking " He never said anything, I am completely mad.

He is laughing in my face saying I'm mad, he never said he was going to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:11

Let me rephrase this

He said that he had never said that he was going to bed and therefore I was completely mad to suggest that he said this.

He has sat in my face telling me that I am mad.

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hoops997 · 29/12/2011 23:13

he is quite obviously pissed, ignore him then tell him what a twat he was in the morning!

Xales · 29/12/2011 23:13

Google gaslighting.

Does he do this often? Either that or he just a drunken prat and there is no point arguing with him.

LadyEatsCrispsALot · 29/12/2011 23:15

Urrggghh! Sounds familiar. DH does this to me all the time. He says something horrible. I get upset and then he tells me I am mental or mad as he never said it. Have you heard of gas lighting?
Does this happen a lot?
Hugs. You not mad. X

LadyEatsCrispsALot · 29/12/2011 23:18

Sorry x post Xales!

Original poster
atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:22

He has shouted in my face telling me I'm an adiot/ barking.

I know about gaslighting and I mentioned that. He said, "Turn the fucking gas off, idiot"

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:25

errr, that will be Idiot, not Adiot

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babyhammock · 29/12/2011 23:25

He sounds awful. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Snorbs · 29/12/2011 23:26

When people get very drunk they can get into a state known as "blackout". They seem to be functioning more or less ok - well, as ok as any other drunk person - but their short-term memory is gone. You can have a conversation then two minutes later they will have no recollection of it whatsoever. For a bystander it can be quite eerie. It usually takes more than a bottle and a half of wine for most men to get to that state though.

Could he have been secretly necking more booze than you saw him drink?

LadyEatsCrispsALot · 29/12/2011 23:26

That's really not good OP. again does this happen a lot?
I have put up with such behaviour for 7 years and finally I have thought enough is enough. You need to decide if this is just a pissed up DH having a one off event or if it is regular, what are you going to do about it?

Original poster
atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:29

It has happened loads, he had a stroke last year and has the memory of a goldfish. I just hate the abuse

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Original poster
atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:33

He's not bad normally but after a few drinks, according to him, I am a fucking loon, no memory, stupid, idiot, complete dipshit

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LadyEatsCrispsALot · 29/12/2011 23:35

That's tricky as presumably the stroke has left him with short term memory loss? That doesn't excuse the abuse but it could be explained as his frustration.
If he genuinely doesn't remember what he has said and you are responding to something he has said that he has no recollection of, that may be why he is so angry?
Just a thought?

Original poster
atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:40

Yes Lady, I have to keep that in mind. He is shouting at me because he genuinely believes his memory is correct. He shouts louder basically.

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Original poster
atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:41

Does anybody have a spare room in the Egham area till mid Feb?

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LadyEatsCrispsALot · 29/12/2011 23:44

Ah no sorry. As i have been going through something similar and talked to friends about it, a very good male friend of mine said to me ' can you live with this or not.'
Made it very simple for me. I decided 'not'....

hoops997 · 29/12/2011 23:45

Maybe if this happens a lot, he shouldn't drink?

Maryz · 29/12/2011 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
atosilis · 30/12/2011 03:21

Maryz

No I am not. When he gets pissed he pretends I am and that I am making things up. He laughs in my face at what an idiot I am.

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sonotready · 30/12/2011 03:24

Oh my god Sad What are your longterm plans? You can't live like this indefinitely!

ThompsonTwins · 30/12/2011 03:33

Did he get any advice from medics after his stroke? Link to Stroke Association leaflet re alcohol and stroke www.stroke.org.uk/information/our_publications/factsheets/f13_alcohol.html You could maybe contact the SA for advice. Hope things improve - this must be nightmarish to live with.

venusandmars · 30/12/2011 08:41

If you are normally his 'companion' in drinking, do you think he resents it when you do not drink? Perhaps if you are both drinking then he can imagine / pretend that you don't notice his memory lapses, or perhaps he is worried about losing his drinking buddy?

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 30/12/2011 08:45

was he like this before the stroke, or only since?
Cos if he was the same before then he's just a wanker, drunk or not.

BibiBlocksberg · 30/12/2011 10:23

I lived with a similar situation for 10 years. As soon as something was out of ex p mouth he'd forgotten it and then i was the mental one, making it all up.

Big rows with him in my face because i dared to call him a liar, he couldn't stand being lied to and on and on.

Hindsight made me realise that his long-term cannabis use meant he really didn't have a short term memory to speak of any longer:

At the time though it left me feeling horrible, walking on eggshells, wondering if I WAS going loopy and just made things up. Very nearly bought a dictaphone to hide around the house just so i could establish which one of us was telling the truth.

The stroke has affected your OH's memory by the sound of it BUT the abuse and projecting his issues with his on to you is not on.

He has to take steps to address the after effects of the stroke, not make himself feel temporarily better by pretending it's you.

With the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn't put up with behaviour like this again and think it would be wise to tell your OH in very strong terms that you will not put up with this in silence and put some distance between the two of you at least temporarily.

Original poster
atosilis · 30/12/2011 10:46

I know what you mean about the dictaphone. I am at work and we are talking on skype. I have told him that I am going to a hotel tonight as I am at the end of my rope. I need an alcohol free zone (I had 1/2 bottle of white wine last night), peace and quiet. He can't understand that I need some space and says I am punishing him. Grrr

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