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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Quick comments please

46 replies

atosilis · 29/12/2011 23:04

Tonight I have tried not to drink anything, by 8pm I had a glass for the flight programme.

After the programme my OH (1.5 bottles) said he was going to bed.
He stood at the bottom of the stairs and said 'Good night'

30 secs later he was back in with a glass of red wine.

"I thought you were going to bed?"

"No"

He has now accused me of being "insane, barking " He never said anything, I am completely mad.

He is laughing in my face saying I'm mad, he never said he was going to bed.

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BibiBlocksberg · 30/12/2011 11:07

Oh, snap - I did the hotel thing in the end too.

Denial is a powerful thing and it will take him a while to break through that and admit to himself that his behaviour is unacceptable let alone you.

He may never want to face his problems with regard to memory and treating you like you're the ogre here.

All you can do is to protect yourself and keep the knowledge that this is not your fault and you can't fix this for him.

Enjoy your time away and use the hotels free Internet access (if they have it) to carry on posting here (helped me enormously)

Stay strong!

Xales · 30/12/2011 11:09

Ahh you should have mentioned the stroke in your opening post.

Have you spoken to the GP for any counselling or to find out if this is a long term problem or any solutions he can recommend.

If your H genuinely doesn't remember what he said then he is going to be getting as upset as you thinking you are making this shit up to make him think he is crazy/mad.

Get to your GP and get any help and support you can as it is not fair on either of you to live this way.

ageperfect · 30/12/2011 11:16

ha ha i love people when they drink and outcome of it is they are funny.....(not sure am i clear)..........not that i like drunker's,just i love that if people drink they turn to be insane in a positive way...

ageperfect · 30/12/2011 11:18

o i just read again the whole tread,now i get it...sorry for earlier post......my mistake....need to see gp....

ageperfect · 30/12/2011 11:18

BibiBlocksberg · 30/12/2011 11:35

I agree about professional help xales.

Have you been together long OP? Just asking because if he knows you well then surely he will also know that you're unlikely to be deliberately wanting to make him think he's saying things when he's not.

That's what got me the most - ex believing that I was out to get him and determined to brand him a liar.

Had he stepped back even the once and stopped trying to intimidate me into agreeing it was all me and just for a moment asked himself if he might have a part to play we probably could have found a solution.

It's not acceptable for one party to close themselves off from an issue affecting the relationship and effectively shouting 'la la la, can't hear you, go away, it's all your fault'

BertieBotts · 30/12/2011 11:38

This sounds really hard :( Have yo ever thought about leaving at all?

nkf · 30/12/2011 11:39

Did this sort of behaviour start after the stroke? That's what I would want to know. Impaired brain function of some sort.

nkf · 30/12/2011 11:40

If so, a talk with a doctor sounds in order.

BibiBlocksberg · 30/12/2011 11:42

....meant to add as well - since your OH knows he had the stroke it must also occur to him that it may have left him with some after effects.

I can imagine he's probably desperate for all to be as it was before and to push the fact of the stroke as far away as possible hence him trying hard to insist it's you and he's fine.

Not easy but if he won't seek assessment/go see the dr then that is ultimately his choice - no one can do it for him.

Original poster

atosilis · 30/12/2011 11:46

Yes, we've been together a long time. The stroke was a minor one and he recovered very quickly but it was just as he had to take early retirement, which he didn't want to. I hoped that he would change his lifestyle, eat better food, go for walks but he just sits, drinks and watches tv. He is depressed and at the moment, we are our own worst enemies, dragging each other down further and further in to a stinking, black pit. I try very hard not to drink, sometimes I don't and sometimes I do. I've told him on skype that we need to separate for a few months, get our own lives in order, get healthy, lose some weight and get some focus. Once we are better, we can try again.

The other week I was talking to very dear friends who we hadn't seen for a year and asked what they were doing for NYE. They said nothing and so I asked them round to go out for a meal and catch up. I knew we were doing nothing. He went MENTAL that I hadn't checked with him first. "You treat me like scum". I thought he'd be really pleased to see them again.
I am seeing a counsellor to sort out my coping strategies and not drinking but I am surrounded by alcohol in the house. In our skype convo he has promised to give up drinking. We are both making ourselves ill and I am dreading the next stroke. The last time he went to the docs for a check up, he wouldn't let me come and told the doc he was fine.

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Original poster

atosilis · 30/12/2011 11:49

Oh, and last night he was snoring like mad. Normally I thump him, he grunts and turns over. Last night I accidentally hit his head and, naturally, he woke up and then went nuts. This morning he is saying that I assaulted him and punched him in the face. Apparently he has a mark.

He has accepted that it was an accident and that I am hardly likely to smash him in the face in the middle of the night.

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Original poster

atosilis · 30/12/2011 11:49

I've told him to go to a counsellor but he won't - big, tough soldiers don't do that.

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BibiBlocksberg · 30/12/2011 11:54

Crikey, atolisis, that's a lot to be coping with.

The kicking off at inviting people round without asking him rings a bell with me too. Always suspected ex was depressed but he never would have admitted to it let alone sought help.

I made the mistake of trying to 'love him' out of all of his problems until I had to face the fact it wasn't working and i was enabling him to get more and more entrenched in his destructive behaviours.

You sound very strong and wise OP and I'd say keep forging ahead with getting your own life back together.

Original poster

atosilis · 30/12/2011 12:00

When I try and get him to change his food he says that he lives on salad....
fair enough, he does live on potato salad. He makes vats of it, we could go into business selling it. Sometimes when I get home from work and there is another saucepan of potato salad prepared, I want to hurl it across the kitchen. And breathe...

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Original poster

atosilis · 30/12/2011 12:01

What a horrible time, I hate to think that if he had a huge stroke tomorrow, his last months would be full of alcohol and arguments. I just want him to be happy.

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randommoment · 30/12/2011 12:10

You poor things, he's making his depression worse with alcohol, you're in danger of going co-dependant with him, and nobody's happy.
He needs to seek treatment for both alcoholism and depression. And you need to step back. The only person who can sort him out is himself, all you can do is ensure he sees the information he needs about where to seek treatment. Talk to your GP, I assume you share one.

Original poster

atosilis · 30/12/2011 12:15

I'm thinking of ringing his GP for a phone appt. My doc says it's ok to do this (same practice). I thought I couldn't as docs don't discuss patients with someone else.

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BibiBlocksberg · 30/12/2011 12:19

I am from the land of potato salad (germany) and know that it's salad in name only what with all the mayonnaise.

It does sound like your OH is unwilling to face up to how his lifestyle is affecting him and that a change is needed.

Depression is more than likely contributing to him not wanting to look after himself.

My heart goes out to you as it's such a rock and a hard place to be.

The desire to help and make things better has always been a strong one with me and kept me in place for years thinking of one 'solution' after another, convinced if i was just 'more' of everything then I could fix him.

Literally believed on some level ex would wake up one day and say 'I've been such a fool and if it hadn't been for you I would not have seen it/got better.

Magical thinking of course but couldn't face the horrible fact I couldn't make it right for him without his will and input.

Original poster

atosilis · 30/12/2011 12:25

It is depression. He applies for jobs and then gets rejected, prob due to his age. Each rejection is another kick to him. I've suggested volunteer work or golf. Last week on the phone he said he had to go as '101 Dalmations' was just starting. When I try and see friends (none live locally) he goes on about leaving him all by himself. In the summer I went away with my brother (visiting from USA) and sisters. I begged him to come too, walk by the lakes, chill out but he said he couldn't bear all the sharing of rooms, accommodation. He still goes on, to this day, that I wouldn't let him come.

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Original poster

atosilis · 30/12/2011 13:09

Update -
We have had a long conversation on skype messaging. He wants me to come home but i am taking the afternoon off to spend it at my parents and then sleep there, will go back tomorrow.

I've had to say a zillion times that I am not going off in a strop or punishing him, my middle name is knackered.

He has PROMISED that there will be no drink in the house for 3 months and agrees he needs to do this for his health (not mine ). He wants a job that pays £70,000 and I said that I want a date with Jonathan Rhys Meyers and neither are likely.

He will think about volunteer work. I've cut and pasted the whole thing into a word doc. Might pick out a few comments, enlarge them and make them into posters!

I'm off to some sanity and xmas leftovers. Thanks everyone

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