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Original poster

mum issues

35 replies

bejeezus · 29/12/2011 21:13

gah! really struggling with my mum for a while now and would like to ask for any insights/ opinions...it's not a big deal..but i feel confused/ disorientated and upset.

ive always got on well with mymum and had a happy upbringing. she started acting a bit odd,maybe a year ago; disinterested in/detached from me and really horrid to my dad- sneering and critical of EVERYTHING he says or does.

I tried to talk to her about it a few months back because she had some rteally unusual reactions to some incidents. She has been having health issues and i asked her if she was really worried about her health,thinking this might explain it. This resulted in her getting really really angry with me about my divorce!! Confused I am divorcingmy husband of 10 years because he is alcoholic/ financially abusive/ unfaithful/ emotionally abusive/unsupportive and unreliable. It is no secret that she thinks it is my fault the relationship has failed. I believed her for a while and think I stayed longer because of her views. I feel hurt that she cant support me through this as it has been really hard time for me. Anyway....

my dd1 is 6, this is her first christmas without her dad around for xmas day. she has also got a sister and 2 cousins inthe last 18 months...so is now one of 4 children in the family celebration instead of being the centre of attention.She is a high energy child and likes attention/to be involved but I think she has behaved really well considering. My mum has done nothing but shout and moan at her...she has been quite vicious/spiteful in some of the things that she has said.

Maybe she has less tolerance becauseof her poor health?

We came home today and my dm sent a text to say she missed dd1!! i repliedsayingI was suprised as she had done nothing but complain about her over xmas. She then replied 'Ahhh..but she knows ilove her really'i feel sick about it; i dont want dd1 to think its ok for grandma to treat her like that [because she loves her really]! i want to tell her, that actually dd1 thinks she needs to see a doctor because she is so grumpy!

they had such a lovely relationship before- dm cared for dd1 ALOTinpre-school years and they spend alot of school holidays together. dm and df also look after dd2 whilst I work PT. but right nowi cant even lookat dm.i dont want her near mykids.

OP posts:
Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 21:14

oh gosh! sorry--a bit epic!

needed to unload

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4c4good · 29/12/2011 21:21

Is she resenting agreeing to the extra childcare perhaps?

itsxmascryingagain · 29/12/2011 21:28

Oh bejezus, I have two grandchildren - my daughter has also just had a split and the pair of them are being a little difficult - they are 5 and 3. I love them dearly but I am menapausal and I find I have less patience and energy. Could your mum being going through the same time of life, maybe?

RandomMess · 29/12/2011 21:30

Hmmm could she be deteriorating in a way that means she no longer obeys social manners?????

Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 21:41

I have taken half of dd2 child care duties off her as my dais has had twins and lives a ling way from us- I thought she would want be free to go and see them as and when. She was fairly insistant that she wanted ROM do the rest. But maybe I should just put dd2 in nursery for all my working hours. Dd2 loves it and it wouldn't be a problem. My mum knows this. I really think I've given her plenty of opportunity to do less with my dcs.

She invites us over and then spends the while time asking when we are leaving!

My dad tells her off regularly for being so nasty to dd1. He looks after dd2 with her, they ate both retired

She's finished the menopause years ago but I wonder if she is just of an age where she had less energy and patience. I wish she would just say so though. Instead of being so horrid

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Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 21:42

It feels like that random what does that mean though?

I feel quite frightened by how much she has changed

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Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 21:44

Dais-dsis

ROM - to

Bloody phone

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RandomMess · 29/12/2011 21:47

I hate to mention it but could it be early onset of alzheimers or similar?

SmileItsSeasonal · 29/12/2011 21:55

That was my first thought Random. OP it might be worth discussing this with your Dad? Or other family members to see if they've noticed changes recently.

RandomMess · 29/12/2011 21:58

I think often people who don't live with the family member notice the changes more than than others, ie your Dad may not realise how much your Mum has changed and often couples cover for each other so it isn't obvious, not always intentionally.

Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 22:15

no...he does realise howshe is changing. Hes quite upset by it I think. But doesnt know why or what to do about it. He just sighs when i ask him about it. he told my dsis at xmas that dm is really negative about everything and 'nothing is good enough' for her. my dsis also told me she thought dm was really nasty to my dd1 (without me bringing it up.just from observation). she does misremember conversations/arrangements ALOT. In fact sometimes she completely fabricates them!

Its a bit of a standing 'joke' though-that she thinks df is going senile and he thinks she is (only she thinks this 'joke' is funny). She always says df has got it wrong,not her. Thingis though my df's father did get alzheimers in old age. My dms mum lived to 85 and had all her mental facalties

Maybe df is scared to think about it/or believes its him????

What should I do? Can I speak to her GP?

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RandomMess · 29/12/2011 22:21

I think approaching their gp is the way to go but I'm not sure if you can Confused

The other thing is to perhaps see if she will see a counsellor as she is so unhappy with life...

randommoment · 29/12/2011 22:29

You haven't mentioned your mum's age? Do you use the same GP?

Charbon · 29/12/2011 22:30

It might not be alzheimers or a dementia-related illness, but it might be a sign of another illness that affects the brain's faculties.

Would your Dad take you seriously if you sat down with him with absolutely no distractions (children definitely elsewhere) and catalogued the changes you've noticed? If that doesn't work, could you couch it in such terms with your Mum that you are seriously worried about her health - that she never used to be this negative and hurtful to those she loves? Failing that, any family friends/aunts/uncles you could confide in?

RandomMess · 29/12/2011 22:37

I agree it could be some other illness entirely that is affecting her brain as Charbon has said. It really does seem likely, would you describe your mum as unrecognisable personality wise to say a couple of years ago?

Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 22:47

Ive just been having a google of alzheimers/dementia- Im certain its not that

but maybe it is a result of this on going health problem--shes had alot of abdominal pain and abnormal blood results. Shes been fully investigated but they cant find a diagnosis. I know she gets really tired with it too.

Yes random her personality is actually unrecognisable compared to 2 years ago Sad Its happened gradually so I hadnt really realised that, until you asked-yes, its stark

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Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 22:50

i dont think she would go for counselling. Im not sure how far Id get with trying to talk to her about it--it didnt work before. That was more 'are you worried?' maybe 'we are worried?' would get a better response?

Im going to try and speak to her GP in the morning I think,anyway

What could it be?

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Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 22:51

randommoment no different GPs. She is 63

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RandomMess · 29/12/2011 22:52

Well it sounds like there is def a medical cause. If he body is doing wierd things with the chemical production and elimination from her body it could very well easily affect her brain Sad

Being positive this could force the GP to refer her to some different area to get to the bottom of what is wrong with her.

RandomMess · 29/12/2011 22:57

I don't think it could possibly be this but something similar to Wilson's disease - to do with not eliminating excess copper from her body, in a third of sufferers cause mental illness.

Usuallys starts in adolesence though! But that kind of thing.

RandomMess · 29/12/2011 23:03

having googled and not found much how about looking more closely at Pernicious anemia, obviously you know more about your Mums other symptoms than you've put on here (stomach pain)

Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 23:18

thanks Ill have a look at those conditions

I came up with Lymes disease

(doctors must hate the internet!)

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randommoment · 29/12/2011 23:51

Ummm... you may not get anywhere with her GP due to patient confidentiality, but the very fact you've been in contact may trigger him/her to consider a personality changing disorder when he/she next sees your mum.

Original poster
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 23:59

i was hoping that the GP would be able to receive information I gave to them?I don expect them to tellmeanything, just take into account what I say?

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Original poster
bejeezus · 30/12/2011 00:00

sorry - my space bar is a bit sticky!

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