mum issues

[bejeezus]

gah! really struggling with my mum for a while now and would like to ask for any insights/ opinions...it's not a big deal..but i feel confused/ disorientated and upset.

ive always got on well with mymum and had a happy upbringing. she started acting a bit odd,maybe a year ago; disinterested in/detached from me and really horrid to my dad- sneering and critical of EVERYTHING he says or does.

I tried to talk to her about it a few months back because she had some rteally unusual reactions to some incidents. She has been having health issues and i asked her if she was really worried about her health,thinking this might explain it. This resulted in her getting really really angry with me about my divorce!! I am divorcingmy husband of 10 years because he is alcoholic/ financially abusive/ unfaithful/ emotionally abusive/unsupportive and unreliable. It is no secret that she thinks it is my fault the relationship has failed. I believed her for a while and think I stayed longer because of her views. I feel hurt that she cant support me through this as it has been really hard time for me. Anyway....

my dd1 is 6, this is her first christmas without her dad around for xmas day. she has also got a sister and 2 cousins inthe last 18 months...so is now one of 4 children in the family celebration instead of being the centre of attention.She is a high energy child and likes attention/to be involved but I think she has behaved really well considering. My mum has done nothing but shout and moan at her...she has been quite vicious/spiteful in some of the things that she has said.

Maybe she has less tolerance becauseof her poor health?

We came home today and my dm sent a text to say she missed dd1!! i repliedsayingI was suprised as she had done nothing but complain about her over xmas. She then replied 'Ahhh..but she knows ilove her really'i feel sick about it; i dont want dd1 to think its ok for grandma to treat her like that [because she loves her really]! i want to tell her, that actually dd1 thinks she needs to see a doctor because she is so grumpy!

they had such a lovely relationship before- dm cared for dd1 ALOTinpre-school years and they spend alot of school holidays together. dm and df also look after dd2 whilst I work PT. but right nowi cant even lookat dm.i dont want her near mykids.

I'm sure the GP will receive information you give him/her, but I'm equally sure he/she won't start a dialogue with you. It may be best to write a letter, making it clear you don't expect him to break confidence with your mum but do want him to be aware of what's going on when she isn't sitting in front of him in 'going to see the doctor' mode.

I have to say that you describe almost exactly what happened with my grandmother over the course of two years and she has dementia. She can appear lucid and 'normal' at times but her personality has changed completely and she forgets, misremembers and fabricates things all the time. The thing I found hardest though was her detachment and nastiness towards me. We were always very close and now she seems to blame me for all her ills, it is very sad.

Oh dear cleo really?

I thought there would be more empthasis on memory loss than personality change with dementia? Bloody hell. I might start a thread to ask peoples experiences of family members with dementia

Really sorry about your grandma cleo

I think the important thing to take from this is that there may be some medical treatment that could help your Mum. Can you take your Dad to one side and discuss it with him and get him to go to the GP with your Mum?

Hi, just to let you know that I have constant pain following an accident and my personality has totally changed since I seem to be snappy and angry all the time. Don't underestimate how dehumanising it can be.

felicity have you ever taken the opportunity to talk about the constant pain??? Allowed yourself to be angry at the unfairness etc?

My closest friend has a chronic pain condition and I know coping with the the pyscological side of the situation is deemed very important by the pain management team.

I also have scoliosis pain, so I can relate to that, which is why I tried to have the conversation with her. Chronic pain can be exhausting and depressive.

Can I ask u though- if someone asked you if you were ok because you had seem depressed/angry/not yourself n would you feel defensive? Maybe I am underestimatinf her fear of what is happening to her? Maybe she can't open up because it is too much?

Just prattling now....gaw, getting old sucks

I'm afraid so bejeezus. It was the personality change which was so marked at first, she had the mildest memory problems (just thought that was due to aging as she is over 80 and it was mild). She is very angry and depressed all the time and changed from someone who loved their own company to someone who is desperate to be with other people although she isn't very nice to them so they tend not to want to be with her. She has accused me of all sorts of things when beforehand I couldn't do a thing wrong. It is a very shocking and disorienting thing to go through as you keep wondering what is wrong and keep trying to work at the relationship before you finally realise that it isn't you it is something else entirely.

I really hope this isn't the case with your Mum by-the-way as it is very tough.

I think sometimes the general anger and fear does make me bite the head off people who are concerned for me It's rubbish and I try not to but some people do lash out at those close to them. OP if your mum doesn't know what's causing the pain that must be very scary and frustrating.

Thankyou for asking random I'm having therapy at the moment actually and am very hopeful.

felicity, sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I also have a chronic pain condition and it can be very hard to deal with. It does get better in time - not the pain, the ability to deal with it that is.