Whats your childhood like compared to the one you are trying to create for your children?

[charliecat]

Going to put the dds to bed and think about this myself, will be back!

my mum died when I was 3, dad remarried when I was 7 and he died when I was 9. My stepmum did the best she could but was very stressed out and impatient. She worked full time. I was scared of her. She died 2 1/2 years ago. I was sexually abused by my stepbrother from age 7 to age 14 (non one except dh knows this). I stay home fulltime. I am impatient with my children but I try really hard not to be. I am probably crap in terms of giving them quality time one on one yet spend all of my time with them as a group. I bake, take them to school, take them camping and basically try too hard to provide a "perfect" childhood. They want to be with me all of the time so I have got one up on my stepmum already. Hope it keeps going.

I feel constantly like I'm correcting some of my parent' mistakes, but making two new mistakes of my own one for each of theirs I've obliterated.

My parents were pushy hothousing types who hired all sorts of tutors to get us through standardized tests. . .you know, the kinds of tests (eg the American SATs) that were supposed to "level" the playing field. . .except that kids in poor areas can't afford tutors and so they do worse on the tests.

I don't really believe in all thatit actually makes me almost illbut I err too much in the opposite direction and don't even set a particularly good example about simple things like homework. I believe in learning for learning's sake. I have no interest in their achieving things so that I look good (which I think was my parents' main motivation) or in their ever feeling unloved because they've failed to perform.

And because I am the product of my upbringing, eg tragically ambitious, I spend way too much time on my career and too little time on the kids. Whereas my mum was a SAHM (who also had a nanny) and she micromanaged our lives &along with my dadstood over us to make sure we performed to their satisfation.

But at least my mom took us to the dentist twice a year, whereas ds recently begged me to take him to the dentist because he realized it had been a very long time since he'd last gone. And he was right.

So I'm probably an awful mom, probably much worse than my own parents, but in a totally different way if that makes sense.

I do think, though, I've given my kids a much less volatile dad than the one I had. My dad was an alcoholic and we'd a very "he loves me/he hates me" dynanmic. My dh is the opposite. . .totally and completelly laid back, consistent and predictable, and generally a fantastic dad.

I think you sound like a lovely parent actually, medea. I need to take my two to the dentist too. My mum was much better at taking us to the dentist than I am at taking my kids too. Generally she was much more organised and tidy than me. More acerbic too thopugh I do have my moments in that area. She was a good mum. But I think I find my kids funnier than she found me and my sis. Laughing at and with the boys seems to work well enough for family harmony so I don't feel inadequate. My dad was well meaning but busy and liked his personal space so it sometimes felt like he wasn't around much. Always took us out at the weekends and came up trumps later on though. The boy's dad is more dedicated to spending unstructured time with them and much much much much much much less dedicated to work than my dad was.

Oh god I hope I'm a better mother than mine. I so want my daughters to feel happy about themselves, and their looks, and their bodies, and to have the confidence not to accept any old bits of affection that come their way, and not to think they're too fat and ugly to be loved...please.