Whats your childhood like compared to the one you are trying to create for your children?

[charliecat]

Going to put the dds to bed and think about this myself, will be back!

Me: Crap Education
Kids: Good Education

Me: Happy loving family
Kids: Ditto

Me: Bought up on council estate but never felt we were the underdog:
Kids: Bought up in "nice" area but sadly lacking in local friends (my biggest regret so far in where we live)

Me: Always feeling truly loved
My Kids: Ditto

Me: Mum always being at home when we got home from school
Kids: Lucky if dd sees me every couple of days let alone every day

I won't cane, discuss financial worries or marital problems with my child.

I was socially isolated & bullied (esp. by my older brothers). If my kids like each other, have good self-esteem & aren't bullied by anybody it will be huge progress.

Still pondering this myself, sorry custardo but but again

My kids do like each other, very much. I was talking to DD1 about it the other day and she is confident that they will continue to have a good relationship as they get older (they are 23, 20, 17 and 12 atm). I am very pleased about that

I don't think that I'm trying to "create" a childhood, and really couldn't replicate mine, which was mostly shaped by my big brother and sisters, and being the youngest of a relatively large family. I quite like my parents' approach (quite a bit of benign neglect there too) and have adopted quite a bit of it. Think they went a bit overboard on the independence side (no taxi service there!) and a bit underboard on the valuing us whoever we were (lots of expectations). But then my dh is radically different to my dad, so there will be a lot of differences. Of course the major one for us is that we don't live together anymore, which is bound to have at least some impact (although the kids currently see this as a good thing).

And would agree on the good sibling relationships as a very crucial thing - my brother and sisters are a very important support network for me, and I hope that my two remain close. Even if it is just so they can get together and moan about how awful I am, as we do about my mum!

Galaxy - your post struck a chord with me. I too was brought up on a Council estate and was very happy. I too now live in a 'nice' area and is probably one of the most communal for a city but I too haven't made any close friends, more just aquaintances really. We all played out in the street and here I've never seen kids play in the street - I don't think it goes on anymore and I'm sure this is one of the contributing factors because it meant that everyone knew everyone elses kids and looked out for them.

We live in a tiny Scottish village and the kids do play in the street further into the village and they are all ages from toddlers upwards with the big ones looking out for the little ones. Its nice but I think some of the older ones get bored but I guess thats something to do with childhood too.

My childhood was good - lots of freedom, playing in old broken down houses, making bonfires.... all terribly dangerous!

Pagan - I've turned 40 and had my 3rd child last summer. I hope I won't be too 'old' for my kids!

blueshoes, found your reference to "discussing marital problems" striking a chord with me.

I love my mum very dearly and in many ways we had a fab childhood, but from when I was very young (about seven or eight) she used to let me stay up late at night because she had no other company, I think, and complain bitterly about my dad and his family to me.

Hmmm grew up in a village, all the kids from our street and the other 4 that made up our little block, used to play out together in the street during evenings, age range 15 downwards, so always looking out for each other, always in and out of each others houses, at the weekends, we'd all go down the river together (walking distance) parents allowed it once we were over 10!
dd is currently being brought up in a small town, and as we live on a fairly friendly crescent, may get to play with her mates in the street in front of the house when she's older, as lots of kids within a year of her on our new little street, but certainly won't be allowed off the street, too many busy roads nearby, something we didn't contend with when I was a lass! If I have my way, we'll be heading for a quiet village sooner rather than later!

I actually couldn't answer this question without feeling very very sorry for myself indeed, so won't. Suffice it to say I am trying to create a better one.

my dd's childhoods include a loving and devoted father, rather than the selfish, heart-of-stone one i had

as far as my mum is concerned though, i hope i am a lot like her

My parents didn't spend much time with their kids as they were too busy working all the hours and making a lot of money; not to spend but to re-invest.

I try to spend lots of time with dd but we don't make much financial progress and have a much lower standard of living than I grew up with. Our entire house is no more than 10% of the size of my parents' house!

Now my parents are retired and comfortably off - and they are very hands on with dd as they have the time they never had with me, and no longer have any need to work

I loved Malory Towers's post. (right at the beginning of this thread)
I completely associate with just about everything she said.
I had very loving parents & 2 older brothers.
My mum worked, but not very much when I was very young.
We made cakes together etc etc.
We only went on holiday to Spain, once.
I didn't want for anything.
But, then, I didn't actually want many material things.
I only went to the fair , once a year as a treat.
Swimming once a month.
I think its sad that these things are now done every day, every week, or else we are depriving our children.

In the summer I went off with some sandwiches, and didn't come back until tea time.
(My dh says he was the same, off riding his bike)
My mum had no cause for concern.

But life has changed.
If I had a daughter, I wouldn't let her out of my sight for more than 10 minutes.
Life has changed and that makes me
REALLY, EALLY SAD.

Looking back I think I was a really insecure child. My parents were 40 when I was born and had met and married very late. My mum was very loving but my dad was never involved in my upbringing at all, apart from choosing schools and disciplining me. He resented me a lot and when he had a break down when I was pre-teen it was me who took the brunt of it. My parents are still together but lead totally separate lives and aren't friends with each other.

Me and DH met at 18 and were best friends before hooking up and getting engaged within a month!. 13 years on we are still best friends and he could not be more different from my dad thankfully. We want our daughter (and son to be) to grow up in a happy home where we spend lots of time as a family and do fun stuff together. We would never send her to a private school she hated and we would never discipline her for not understanding maths or latin at 6! We love her how she is (actually she loves learning too so thats a bonus!). We had her in our 20s and I'm glad I'll be active enough to be a bit more supportive to her when shes my age than my parents are to me as they are in their 70s now. I want her to enjoy being in a happy fun family where we actually love spending time together.

Oh, can relate to WWB's post
Was just thinking last night 'am i turning into my mum in some way?'
I used to dream i was adopted and my 'real' mum would come knocking one day. Growing up being sensitive, low self esteem and with no support wasn't great. Was doing great at school, but didn't amount to much, as had no confidence and too shy to pursue a career.
Sometimes reactions to situations are learnt thru how you've been brought up. I try to think about my mum and do things differently. However i still see her lots and she has been great to my kids .. despite she still acts like a spoilt brat, but now i have the guts to tell her to stop it!

I won't defend a man who hits my children by telling them "Men lose their temper. You must try harder not to wind him up!"

I think that's why I have zero tolerance on excusing behavior just because a male has perpetrated it ie laziness with housework, lack of patience/interest in own children.

And I will never never never show favoritism between my kids, it is one of the most soul destroying things you can do to a child as a parent, I think.

I will always try to explain what is going on to my children when they ask. I was a curious child, and both parents encouraged this, for which I am grateful.

Sad to say, my ds's will not be getting the amount of freedom I got as an 8 year old.

My childhood was story-book perfect until I reached age 11 and discovered that my parents were human. And like most humans they made mistakes and told lies. Sadly some of those mistakes led to their divorce and alot of the lies were told to me and my brother which has been hard for us to deal with as we've grown up.
It's my ambition to give my daughter the honesty and love I know my parents wanted to give me had things been diffent in their marriage.

I have a happy and consistent childhood but I'm striving to afford my kids a little more scope to experience and understand, so

• take greater interest in my children as individuals rather than the one approach fits all strategy,
• and more honesty and openess. My parents never explained anything really and lied about stupid things...still finding them out... like Mum telling us she breastfed when it turned out she didn't but she didn't want us to know because she thought we wouldn't bother with our own children OR dad lying about what time we had to leave to get somewhere so we'd all be ready 30 mins early OR sex education...mum presents herself as so liberal but basically handed me a book at 16 and ran.
• enjoying my childrens personalities...I always got the impression as a child that I was a bit pushy and forthright and my brother was too quiet. I want my kids to grow up as little individuals who know it's ok to be whatever they are as long as it doesn't hurt others. I want them to know that make me laugh and cry and that emotion and personality are great things.

This thread has really hit a nerve. I've been thinking about it a lot having had my first child and seen my parents at New Year.

Like FoundInTranslation, I had a volatile and manipulative mother. She was still trying to hit me when I was in my 20s, so it goes without saying that physical punishment was her first refuge when I was little. I think she wanted to control me and any deviation from her way of doing things was seen as defiance. Academically, they pushed me very hard and saw any failure to perform as laziness on my part. I was never congratulated on things I did well but always felt like a disappointment to them. My father worked long hours and was away quite a bit - and when he was home, he never pointed out to her that her behaviour was irrational and out of line. I used to think that he worked a lot because he had to - but I've now come to realise that his work was more interesting to him than I could ever be. My mother was lonely and smothering and drank too much - and told me things about her marriage that no parent should share with a child. I had no siblings, so for years felt that I was living in my own private hell.

If I can do nothing else for my child(ren), I hope that I can steer them to adulthood with a good sense of self-esteem and self-worth, not feeling like a bag of sh*te who's a disappointment to those around them.

(Sniff...)

Then
More freedom
No academic pressure, in fact bordering on the uninterested.
My mother,too, used to and still does tell me her marital/il complaints (WHY?)and will criticise my father to me, in front of him.
Brother obvious favourite. After the age of about 8 or 9 I think my father was incapable or unwilling to show any interest in me whatsoever; yet would spend ages with my brother.
The occasional chaotic day trip somewhere.
Holidays in Lake district, Cotswolds etc.

What I aim for now
No inappropriate marital gossip/whinging to children about ils
No smoking in house or car
Maybe it's the climate we live in, but I take a much closer interest in my children's education than my parents did in mine. Some would say I'm pushy, but I'm not ashamed to show them how to aim high if that's what they want.
Holidays - a lot are UK based, but we try to go to France Italy or Spain too, to enjoy the climate and soak up a bit of culture.
No favourites among children - all 4 are annoying/delightful at different times! (cf mil, however... grrr)

Wow - this is an interesting one - Like enid - I don't even want to post anything about my childhood - Alcoholic mother, gambling father, divorced when I was 2 - foster care at 10 - Had a lovely foster family though and lived in a pretty and small village - lots of walks on the country, bike rides, etc etc - Quite a bit of academic pressure (which paid off in the end, mind!) So it was a good and a bad childhood.

I am very, very different with my children and don't want them to go through the hell I had to endure - I am firm on discipline, but fair and spend lots and lots of time with them - painting, cutting and sticking, reading stories, playing with Lego - going out to the park, going swimming, going for special outings. We're very tight on money so practically everything we do is fun and (almost) free - Going to the local farm / activity centre is a source of great excitment,which is so nice - I hope we can continue this even when we re in a better position financially!!