I think I'm irreparably damaged

[OberonTheHopeful]

I'm wondering of there is something I'm missing, or if just a part of me is missing.

I have been working so hard to move forward, but seem to keep taking several steps back. I put a brave face things because it's expected. People ask me if I had a good Christmas and I just tell them I did. Even the closest friends I have don't want to hear about how empty and alone it made me feel, and in any case I wouldn't want to burden them. So I wear a mask.

I said to myself this time last year (after an extremely upsetting few weeks) that the new year would be a new start. In some ways it was, I've made a couple of friends, been getting out more, arranged counselling and started semi-regular sessions with a support worker. In many ways though I feel as alone as I ever did, and if anything my self-doubt has increased.

I am finding it impossible to achieve closure on some situations. I've tried the usual things. I've had CBT to try to shut off negative thoughts (partly successful). I've written 'letters' to read in counselling. It has helped me to see some people for what they are but it doesn't make the pain go away.

Ironically, I seem to be coming to terms, a little, with the abuse I suffered in my last relationship. I will never fully understand why she did what she did, but I can at least partly rationalise it as the product of a very abusive upbringing. After so many years I couldn't take any more but I feel awful in some ways for effectively abandoning her.

It has come as an unpleasant revelation though since I left that 'friends' can be just as abusive, emotionally at least. I was kind of doing OK for much of the year, making small steps, but suffered another setback a while ago that I'm really not sure I can get over. I've really tried, but the situation was ended in such a way as to prevent me ever getting any real closure and the 'tricks' just don't completely work. It was entirely deliberate on the part of the other person and it's the wilful cruelty of it that I just can't handle. The worst part is that it was something like fourth time I had allowed them to do exactly the same thing.

What is it about me that allows people to give themselves permission to treat me in this way? It seems obvious to me now that I am unable to trust my own judgment, and by extension other people. That same person told me that I had set myself back, rather than been set back by their actions. As we are each responsible for our own feelings, and as none of us can ever really be 'rescued', that must be true. But I can't work out how I did it, just as I can't work out how I could have acted differently so my XP wouldn't have abused me.

I think I still have a lot to come to terms with. People tell me to be kind to myself, and I do try to, but just end up being ever harder on myself. Personal responsibility is a big deal with me, but a bit of a double edged sword in that I find it difficult to understand that a few people just can't show it.

I would honestly give everything I own to be able to keep talking all of this through with someone who was listening for no other reason than that they cared enough to. Perhaps I have to accept that I'm just too damaged to ever have that.

I rarely cry, but I'm in tears writing this out. I want so much to be able to look forward, but I just can't face another year like the last two. You never know what's around the corner but I really can't deal with being hurt any more.

Thank you to anyone who managed to read this rather long-winded post.

People have acted badly toward you and yet you blame yourself? It is their behaviour, so why are you trying to own it?

Sorry if that didnt feel helpful. It's just I hate it when someone who is seemingly a good person is so willing to take the wrap for other's bad behaviour. Perhaps there is something in your past that has made you feel responsible when other people act badly toward you?

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that we can change the past.

New year, new therapist, new you :) Try Psychodynamic, get the most experienced therapist you can find.

I think you seem lovely, wish i knew you.

If you can bring yourself to say, what is that your friend did four times that you allowed him or her to do? And is this the setback that you refer to, after having made some progress?

I'm sorry.
You sound like someone who looks for the underlying truth and goodness in life. Someone idealistic, who examines their own motives a lot. I am like that too. I've definitely called myself "irreparably damaged" on many many occasions.

(If that's what you are like:) It's very very difficult to be that sort of person sometimes - the senselessness of other people's choices can be absolutely galling. Then, to try to cope with the senselessness, one tends to try to blame oneself... since that would make it "all make sense" in some way, and therefore make it possible to continue with that idealism. Thinking to yourself, "it's me with the problem, if I could just improve, people would be nicer to me".

The fact is though, most people are cruel. I am cruel. I have been cruel and I'm sure I'll do it again. More than half the time, the average person is being driven by things so deep and so unconscious, that it really is NOT personal when they're awful to you. They've been looking for a scapegoat, a place to dump the rage and pain, and they probably "try it on" (so to speak) with just about every person they meet... but it's the idealistic people who SEE the cruelty and take it personally. Because it's the idealist who assumes others are idealistic and self-aware too. So they think, "it must be me who causes this, no-one else feels this way or suffers this".

So the world is full of people who are hurting, who want to get rid of the pain by dumping it on someone else. This was a terrible truth to face, for me. Once I did, I could move on, though. I grieved the world I thought I lived in, and once that was over, I could start living in the new normal. Recognising that my idealism was unrealistic, that I could not expect good behavior from others, but I could start to care for myself and be selfish. Sounds awful, but it's liberating. You start to be able to love people while seeing their flaws, and pre-empting their flaws, and protecting yourself from them in advance so that you can love them healthily and in a way that even can help THEM see how to be healthy, rather than put yourself in a position of such extreme vulnerability only to have salt rubbed in old wounds over and over again.

Boundaries are painful to set, but they make your life better and in an odd way, they help every person you come into contact with. They help others see when their behavior is wrong, and to see how to be better people.

Can you start talking to your counsellor about boundaries? Can you find another counsellor with a lot of experience? I went through 10+ therapists before finding one that I clicked with and I cannot express to you how much it helped me. Younger/less experienced therapists are generally very very unhelpful indeed.

Sorry for the ramble but I'm hoping that what I've said might help you a little bit... to piece something together that might give you hope.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I do look for explanations within myself because it seems to be the only place to look. I just don't seem to see people coming and just trust them.

therealsmithfield, I'm sure my past has a lot to do with it, including some horrendous experiences at (boarding) school, and I do try hard to please people. I was recently discussing in another thread the possibility that some of us are somehow 'primed' to be abused.

GoingForGoalWeight, thank you :). I'm currently in the middle of a break in therapy and support because of the holiday period (and that probably doesn't help) but I'll discuss with my counsellor when she's back what to do. She is very experienced and is a DV specialist, which is why I'm seeing her.

almostgrownup, it's probably all a bit trivial in itself, but what it amounts to is someone pretending to be a friend to get what they wanted (materially and emotionally) and then just not returning the friendship in any way, whilst boasting about what they've done for other people (assuming it's true, they also lie a lot). They did this knowing what I had left behind in my last relationship, and at one point even suggested I return to my abusive relationship I think primarily because they couldn't be bothered. Four times they cut off contact and then got back in touch wanting to be friends again, and stupidly I let them.

This last time was after a long gap and being the person I am just forgot the past and looked forward, and then they did it again. But what was worst of all was the way they did it. They know me well enough to know exactly what will hurt me most, and by deliberately blocking any further contact and preventing me from talking it through (after saying some very unpleasant things) knew I would continue to agonise over it, rather than just let go. Having discussed it at length in both counselling and support sessions I now know that it was a deliberate act of emotional abuse by someone who is ultimately a bully. Knowing this doesn't make it hurt any less though, in fact it makes it much worse.

I had been making some progress for most of the year, and gained a little self confidence. Now that all seems to be gone again and I feel that months and months of really hard work are just lost.

The worst part is that I now feel I just can't trust myself. It happened so quickly and so easily and I just let it. In support sessions I've been doing a lot of work on warning signs, yet in the event all of that was just forgotten as I simply wanted to think the best of them. It's made me truly scared.

oikopolis, I agree with everything you've written. Logically I know this is true, and the two professionals I see have said much the same thing, but I still don't feel it, if that makes sense?

I obviously have a lot of work to do, but I don't know how much more I can take. I know I can't take another emotional setback, yet could encounter one at any time. I have friends, some good ones, but no one I feel I can completely rely on and there doesn't seem to be any way to dump the awful feelings. I also can't risk putting too much pressure on the friendships I do have for fear of losing them. The bad experiences with the person I described have made me completely paranoid about this.

This might be useless, in which case: sorry! I used to/still do feel like you describe, but in my case I was trying to be more in control of the situation even though the problems were caused by other people. It is possible that there's nothing wrong with you, it really is their problem.
Hope you have a good New Year

How painful this must all be for you. You have my support.

The worst part is that I now feel I just can't trust myself. It happened so quickly and so easily and I just let it. In support sessions I've been doing a lot of work on warning signs, yet in the event all of that was just forgotten as I simply wanted to think the best of them. It's made me truly scared.

As hard as this feels, this ^ is probably the next step in your recovery. You've learned things, and then discarded them without thinking... and now the consequences feel even more horrific than usual, because your lack of boundaries is so much clearer to you this time around.

You might actually need to be paranoid and scared for quite a while before you can take extremely tentative steps towards friendships/intimacy again. That is ok. You were on one extreme (trust everyone), perhaps now you're swinging to the other (trust no-one), and slowly but surely the swings will become less extreme until you find normalcy in the middle.

Be patient, try to find that peace inside, even if it's only for a minute at a time. The emotions will become less overwhelming, it just takes time. I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand, I really do x

..and I do understand that you don't "feel" it. You've been in a habit of thinking differently for your entire life. It's totally understandable that it feels alien.

Dear Oberon

I really, really feel for you - you sound so alone. This time of year is hideously hard, and the dark of winter saps energy so much. Cry as much as you can - it really is healing.

I would highly recommend a new, experienced therapist. CBT is Ok for some issues, but it's not great for those (like me) who had deeper troubles and a difficulty in trusting. Like the last poster I went to a fair few - some of whom were inexperienced, others unprofessional and some just plain weird - but I can't say enough how much the highly gifted, wise and remarkable lady I eventually settled with has done for me. It is worth persisting to find the right person as your emotional health is a delicate and precious thing. And anything worthwhile takes time. It's unrealistic to expect issues to be sorted in a handful of sessions.

I felt like a piece of me was missing too; I didn't really know who I was either - I'd had a mucked up childhood and a string of physically and emotionally abusive relationships - but somehow I don't anymore. I have gained a sense of myself as a worthwhile person who is loveable, talented and kind. In turn that gave me courage to do the things that were obviously lacking in my life and contributing to my misery. I now have a few close friends and a wider range of acquanintances. But that has taken a long while, and I have done it in my own time. At no point was I instrcuted to go out and make friends and begin a new hobby!

You are clearly very bright and I think uncovering the 'why' you feel this way in a gentle, holisitc setting will set you on the road to healing. Very very, very few people are damaged beyond repair, though very many of us have felt that way at various times in our lives.

Find someone you can trust to help you and the sun will shine again and you will feel ''whole'. I promise.

OP I have read a few of your posts, the ones you refer to about the specific thread.
Not sure I have much wisdom to impart, but you are doing what you are doing to root out the problem and build yourself a better life. Sometimes it really is 3 steps back and one step forward, and horribly painful. Maybe you 'needed' the reminder from the so called friend to identify it - I expect previously you couldnt believe he could actually have been that bad, that manipulative. Guess what, he was. You wont be making that mistake with him again.
And your ex. you are right - she was damaged and abusive. I dont think you could have done anything to prevent her treating you the way she did, apart from not be you (although, I admit, a scared and confused 'you' prior to any therapy)
Therapy is a long process. Sometimes the therapy you have is not necessarily the therapy you need. The therapy you really dont want can often be what you need the most. And yes, i do think alot of what happens to you in your childhood 'sets you up' for mistreatment later. And unravelling your childhood and all the feelings associated with parents/siblings who you are supposed to love unconditionally, and who are supposed to love and protect you, can be horrible when you realise that you were built on shakey foundations, and that your basic thought patterns are wrong.
BUT if you are willing to take the journey I believe that you can reach the end of the road the best 'yourself' that you can be - you can identify your good points, you can reject the sterotypes of 'manliness' which dont apply to you and which go against your personal grain. You can find the confidence to be valued as the kind and sensitive man that we can hear speaking out from your posts. The world certainly needs more sensitive men.
I would join the 'stately Homes' threads and the 'support for those in abusive reltionships' threads - ask the wise people there what types of therapy have helped them understand the mess of their pasts, and helped them to move forwrad - there is a wealth of experience on those 2 threads alone.

I have read some of your posts before OP. I mentioned on one of them the therapy I had that was almost a reboot of myself.

This was inner child therapy, it was on the NHS. I was exceptionally lucky to get it. I was also absolutely and completely determined to throw myself into it utterly, because, like you, I was sick of somehow not "existing", being everyone else's rubbish skip, and almost unworthy of the space I took up on this planet.

I can't begin to tell you just how profound this has been for me, BUT it has meant losing my family and my marriage. It caused a grief the like of which I have never known....it was physical grief, from the core of my body, it allowed me to be creative in an extraordinary way, to find solutions for my fear and sadness.

I had to have more CBT to help get over the effects of the ICT! Which it did.

And the ongoing group therapy of Stately Homes and the amazing and extraordinary folk on there.

And now, for the first time in my life, I actually have some REAL SELF ESTEEM......and I can't begin to tell you just how good it feels.

There are books, but I really think that doing the work with am experienced therapist may be the way forward.

I really hope that that is helpful to you....you deserve happiness.

I'd get a new therapist OP. I think you've outgrown this one. You deserve to find an older experienced therapist. Go 'interview' your new therapsits first with their first time free sessions. When you've found him/her after a few paid sessuions, drop your current therapist a note to say what you've done. She will understand ((hugs)).

Oberon, I have read many of your posts in the past and I am sorry that you are still struggling after you have come through so much. I may be completely off but do you think the fact that you are a man who has suffered horrendous abuse is relevant here, in that maybe your 'friend' thinks you should have been able to deal with this? I in no way agree with that btw, I just think that there is still so little understanding of DV generally, particularly with regard to male victims.

Maybe this time of year brings it all home too. I certainly struggled with Christmas and birthdays for several years after I split with my ex. It was just too much. Trying to get by day to day was hard enough.

Would you be comfortable seeing a new therapist? If so, perhaps look into it and give it a go. Please don't be afraid to talk to your friends, some will be great, others not so, but none of them will be happy knowing you kept this to yourself. All the best Oberon.

Wow, so much to take in! Thank you so much everyone.

JuliaScurr, I can see what you're getting at. I think most of all I've been looking for answers and from my perspective the common denominator is obviously me.

oikopolis, that's a good point. I've always preferred to see life as having lessons rather than mistakes, but I'm having real difficulty with that at the moment. I suppose it's a question of re-learning the things that I learned long ago. I was always taught to take responsibility and it's just second nature in a way. At school anything I hated was 'character building' so I was just given more of it. It must be a given that any such deep change takes a long time.

4c4good, I posted on here quite a long time ago and a very wise MNer told me that it takes time to get used to the idea that it takes time. I have got my head around that, but have become quite stymied for the past couple of months. I don't seem to have much of a sense of myself it's true.

NettleTea, that's it really. I couldn't believe (or more probably didn't want to allow myself to) that my friend could be so bad. She was definitely deceitful and manipulative, but I continued to just think the best of her. I should really have been forewarned, but this last time I was truly taken aback by quickly she became so nasty. I sleepwalked into my relationship with my XP and before I knew it I was almost completely under her control. I can put that down to youth and naiveté, but not this last time and that's what's scared me so much.

Some of her last words ("I didn't set you back, you set yourself back") still really resonate with me. Ultimately only I can be responsible for my own feelings.

singingprincess, I remember your posts from the other thread, in fact I've been re-reading them recently. I was very struck by what you said and I'll definitely look into it. It's interesting that it's called 'inner child therapy' because my current therapist keeps referring to the 'adult' me looking after the 'child' me. As you and GoingForGoalWeight suggest, it may well be time to consider a new therapist in the new year. I've been seeing the current one for a few months, but the last couple of sessions have felt a bit like they're coasting.

I do read the threads referred to, and they've been a mine of information. I think I'd be very wary of posting though, given the nature of the site. I'm not at all close to my family, my mother is very emotionally distant and doesn't really take much interest in me and my brother can be very unpleasant (I actually went NC with him for about ten years). My dad was very loving and supportive but he died last year after a long illness.

I do have a very hard time thinking about how some people can be just so cruel. If I think I've hurt someone I really worry about it, and will always try hard, with their acceptance, to do what it takes to make amends. Leaving my XP, although it was necessary (for my own safety as much as anything else) was just so hard. I suppose I'd also be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that wanted those who have hurt me so much, including family, to understand the depth and scale of the harm they've caused. Of course, I know that can never happen.

The last paragraph of your post really struck a chord. It is so hard to accept that these people carry on having a good life while you are still suffering. It does take a long time, but even if you can't let it go completely, there is a point when it doesn't matter so much any more. I firmly believe that I would never have stayed in an abusive relationship if it wasn't for my upbringing.

lazarusinNazareth, I certainly think that's true with this particular person. Given her general indifference, and some of things she said to me, and knowing her as I do, I'm sure her response to a female victim would have been so very different. Given that she encouraged me to trust her and never once asked me not to tell her about it that's quite difficult to deal with and has left me feeling extremely exposed.

The time of year doesn't help, it's true. Neither does seeing people who've hurt me so much just carrying on as though nothing has happened having left me struggling so much. I don't wish anyone ill at all, but it doesn't always seem entirely 'fair'. We haven't been in contact for a while now (thankfully), but the last I heard my ex was seeing someone new and it's not the easiest thing to know she's just started again with someone else.

On the other hand, the fact that she is means she's less likely to continue any interest in me. This is quite important as she's shown very definite stalkerish tendencies in the past.

peabodyblue, I see your point though I would say that I have been making progress with dealing with my last relationship. I've talked it over and analysed it a great deal over the past year with two professionals. I know I will never fully understand my XP's behaviour, but I think I understand it a little and I've certainly worked hard to come to terms with what happened.

The problem is that the latest setback has really knocked me for six because I don't seem to have learned how to spot, and protect myself against, abusive people. That realisation, along with being somehow susceptible (or at least there being something in me that some people can recognise and take advantage of) is what's making me so scared for the future.

I don't know if it's just a cumulative effect, but I also don't think I have it in me to deal with any more pain and hurt. This last time was awful and it's settled like a huge weight on me, and not for want of me trying not to let it. I feel damaged beyond repair.

Oberon - the more you write about the situation the more I think this pain lies in unresolved issues from the past. I won't be crass enough to ask questions or harangue you but usually as I am sure you're aware there are issues from infancy on where either one or both parents fail to provide a nurturing and stable environment for their child - for whatever complex reasons of their own.

Peabody's last but one post was harsh but the one after is v true - you have come a long way and you absolutely shouldn't think you're a 'marked man' in any way.

Getting well emotionally is a real job of work - as with any physical illness recovery is never an uninterrupted upwards arc. It's inevitable there will be steps abckward here and there - especially over the emotionally loaded crapfest that is christmas - guaranteed to magnify any feelings of despair or isolation.

Take heart Oberon.

peabodyblue, I know what you're saying is true really but it doesn't feel it a lot of the time. With this last episode I wrote about it extensively as part of a counselling exercise. I know that what I wrote is logically true (and supported by a professional) but I don't actually feel it, and the emotional pain is sometimes unbearable. I think it also true to say that it happened at just the wrong time in some ways because for the first time I can actually remember I'd had a few weeks of feeling properly "free". Though perhaps that was just an illusion.

I continue to be very taken aback by just how cold and calculating some people can be, and by the excuses they give themselves. I honestly cannot fathom how some people can live with themselves.

4c4good, I think you're right on both counts. It is a job and one I have been working very hard at, but it's actually quite frightening how easily someone seems to have been able to undo much of that effort.

I know that there are a lot of early episodes in my life that really have to addressed. I've been exploring some of these in therapy, but as everyone has pointed out, I may now need something more specialised or directed. It's unfortunate that the fallout from the last couple of months has interrupted that a great deal.

As it happens I had a GP appointment this morning (just routine to review my AD meds and complete another questionnaire) and I mentioned the inner child therapy that singingprincess described (thank you again!). He's going to look into it for me. In the meantime I'll have a look at other therapy services, there are a few where I live though when I was looking a while ago some wouldn't take me on.

It is worth remembering that the people who treat you badly are the ones who are lacking as human beings Oberon, not you I have repeated that to myself many times over the years! I know that I didn't deserve what happened to me and over time I've learnt to respect myself and to make sure others do too!
You will get there too. I have a huge amount of respect for you - it takes real strength to walk away from abusive relationships.

^ What Lazarus said :)

It takes great courage not just to walk away, but to seek out help and stick with it as you are doing. You will get there. You are doing all the right things. Concentrate on you, and only you if you possibly can.

I too wrote letters to read out in my sessions and I imagined there would be an immediate feeling of release, or anger or something - anything! in the writing, reading or destroying of them - but in most cases there wasn't. I think perhaps the mind self-protects until you are feeling in a safe enough place to 'feel'. Perhaps you will never feel what you think you should feel about all this stuff. The effect of the letter writing exercises was subtle and organic rather than a great lightbulb moment, if you see what I mean.

I was also encouraged to try stream of consciousness writing. It sounds a bit woo woo, but is actually rather sensible. Basically you just write and write and write whatever comes into your head, without self-censoring. This can be quite revealing. Doing this with your non-dominant hand can also access stuff that's inaccessible. Did a little art therapy too but I found that less satisfactory to be honest.

The 'inner child' work needs to be dealt with incredibly carefully for obvious reasons so tread carefullly with that.Again we explored it in my sessions but in a very gentle way.

Take care now.