I think I'm irreparably damaged

[OberonTheHopeful]

I'm wondering of there is something I'm missing, or if just a part of me is missing.

I have been working so hard to move forward, but seem to keep taking several steps back. I put a brave face things because it's expected. People ask me if I had a good Christmas and I just tell them I did. Even the closest friends I have don't want to hear about how empty and alone it made me feel, and in any case I wouldn't want to burden them. So I wear a mask.

I said to myself this time last year (after an extremely upsetting few weeks) that the new year would be a new start. In some ways it was, I've made a couple of friends, been getting out more, arranged counselling and started semi-regular sessions with a support worker. In many ways though I feel as alone as I ever did, and if anything my self-doubt has increased.

I am finding it impossible to achieve closure on some situations. I've tried the usual things. I've had CBT to try to shut off negative thoughts (partly successful). I've written 'letters' to read in counselling. It has helped me to see some people for what they are but it doesn't make the pain go away.

Ironically, I seem to be coming to terms, a little, with the abuse I suffered in my last relationship. I will never fully understand why she did what she did, but I can at least partly rationalise it as the product of a very abusive upbringing. After so many years I couldn't take any more but I feel awful in some ways for effectively abandoning her.

It has come as an unpleasant revelation though since I left that 'friends' can be just as abusive, emotionally at least. I was kind of doing OK for much of the year, making small steps, but suffered another setback a while ago that I'm really not sure I can get over. I've really tried, but the situation was ended in such a way as to prevent me ever getting any real closure and the 'tricks' just don't completely work. It was entirely deliberate on the part of the other person and it's the wilful cruelty of it that I just can't handle. The worst part is that it was something like fourth time I had allowed them to do exactly the same thing.

What is it about me that allows people to give themselves permission to treat me in this way? It seems obvious to me now that I am unable to trust my own judgment, and by extension other people. That same person told me that I had set myself back, rather than been set back by their actions. As we are each responsible for our own feelings, and as none of us can ever really be 'rescued', that must be true. But I can't work out how I did it, just as I can't work out how I could have acted differently so my XP wouldn't have abused me.

I think I still have a lot to come to terms with. People tell me to be kind to myself, and I do try to, but just end up being ever harder on myself. Personal responsibility is a big deal with me, but a bit of a double edged sword in that I find it difficult to understand that a few people just can't show it.

I would honestly give everything I own to be able to keep talking all of this through with someone who was listening for no other reason than that they cared enough to. Perhaps I have to accept that I'm just too damaged to ever have that.

I rarely cry, but I'm in tears writing this out. I want so much to be able to look forward, but I just can't face another year like the last two. You never know what's around the corner but I really can't deal with being hurt any more.

Thank you to anyone who managed to read this rather long-winded post.

Thank you everyone :). I must admit though that I feel the opposite of courageous or strong. Right now I just feel weak and wrung out.

lazarusinNazareth, what you say probably always bears repetition. I've wondered in various situations, including my last relationship, what I might have done differently so that people would have treated me better. In the final analysis whatever her own issues I don't think I deserved the way my ex treated me; I always tried my hardest to do what she wanted but it just never seemed good enough and probably never would have been.

Curiously, both my therapist and support worker have pointed out a lot of similarities, at least emotionally, between by ex's behaviour and that of the friend I describe.

4c4good, I'm always willing to try whatever might work so I'll definitely keep looking. What you say about the letters really resonates with me because I did expect some sudden change in my outlook, at least as far as that situation was concerned. They have though helped me see a couple of people for who they are, which I needed. The problem is that I still keep hoping I'm wrong. One of them (about the friend) also reads like a bit of a character assassination. The therapist thinks it's quite accurate, but I hate myself for thinking it.

I've heard of stream of consciousness writing before and it sounds like it might be really useful. For a long time I've had a very keen sense of when something is amiss (I think it might come from living for so many years with an abusive alcoholic) and I think it must be something to do with my mind picking up on things that I don't seem to be fully conscious of.

peabodyblue, I agree about reconciling feelings with facts, but it's so very hard. I'll admit that there have been times recently when I've thought that staying with my ex would have been better than what I have. Although when I told my support worker, who is the most easy going person there is, it was the only time I've ever known her to be quite blunt with me.

I think I do need to put that particular person in some sort of mental enclosure. She knows how to hurt me, but almost nothing else about me. Not because I wouldn't share anything but because she simply never took an interest.

But I wouldn't for one second dream of putting you in the same box! I remember your other threads and all I can say is that I wish I'd had a friend like you. I hope your friend managed to get through Christmas reasonably well and is looking forwards. He's taken the most important step and you've no idea how much of a difference having a friend like you will make :).

Really sorry to hear that, it can be a dangerous time and it's just so easy to slip back into something familiar no matter how hostile it is. If your friend's wife is anything like my ex she'll be very convincing about things changing if only he goes back to her, and will know just what to say and which buttons to press. My ex did this to me a lot and I was sometimes tempted (she could definitely sense how lonely I was). She quickly changed again and started the abusive calls and messages when she realised I just wasn't going back.

Mankind can be good for support at times like that, but I would also recommend he get in touch with the DV support worker at his local authority. He'll be able to meet with them face to face and they've seen it so many times. The one I see has been able to predict with quite amazing accuracy the tactics my ex would use and things she would say. There have been quite a few times when I've been really thankful to have that support and knowledge. It might also be worth having a look at some of the Patricia Evans books (e.g. "The Verbally Abusive Relationship").

Sometimes some of us need blunt as we can be just too inclined to give in to people :). Best wishes to you both.

Oberon - my very best wishes also. Strength, light, and love to you for 2012.

Thank you everyone for your kind words :). I've had a lot of excellent advice on this thread and definitely intend to use it.

For now, I think the best thing for me to do is use the psychological opportunity afforded by the new year to try my hardest to ensure that 2012 is better than the previous two years :). I really can't allow it to be as bad.

Well, the pressure of Christmas is off now Just take it slowly, stop blaming yourself and, if someone is acting badly towards you, ask them outright why they feel they can do that - easier said than done I know, but you'll be amazed how empowering it is!

All the best for 2012 Oberon, you really have achieved something very special.

Thank you lazarus :). I agree that's the best approach, I looked at some ideas for doing so in an assertiveness class last year (but so often forgotten in the moment). Unfortunately, it can be almost impossible with people who chuck a grenade over their shoulder before disappearing.

Here's hoping 2012 is better for each of us!

Give it time. Even now, 16 years later I find confrontation difficult. If I can't deal with it in the moment I go away, write things down then go back and discuss it if I can. I appreciate you can't do that in relationship situations at times though. You really are better off without that waste of space in your life!

I've been doing that, writing things down to discuss later and it does help to deal with difficult situations. I'm not generally a fan of communicating by email, but it can sometimes help with difficult situations because you have time to think of what to say, rather (as I often do in confrontation) just back down.

Talking of which, taking the advice in your previous post I got in touch with my friend today and we've had a long discussion. It was very awkward and there was a lot of soul searching, but I think there's now some kind of resolution. I'm certainly not left with the same negative thoughts, and to be fair to her she was genuinely remorseful (actually quite upset) about her part. I've also tried to be accepting of my responsibility. Talking today it is obvious to me that she has far more going on in her life than I ever realised, and I hope that some of the advice I passed on will be useful.

I still have many of the same thoughts about being irreparably damaged, but I have some great advice to help me move forward with this. In the meantime I obviously need to protect myself until/unless I reach the point where I'm better able to cope with being hurt, or at least better able to maintain reasonable boundaries.

Nevertheless, I'm as determined as I can be that this year will be more positive.

Your getting in touch with your friend was an immense step, i bet you wouldn't have done that a year ago!

A very very Happy New Year to you Oberon!

Wow! That was really brave of you! At least you aren't taking all the blame now and second guessing her actions. Pat on the back Oberon

Thank you Jellykat, and a very Happy New Year to you :) I really don't think I would have done that a year ago to be honest. I can't quite believe I actually did this week, the last couple of days have seemed a bit surreal. I hope it's been helpful to both of us, and I do hope she's able to find some peace for herself this year.

Lazarus, thank you! But I didn't feel brave at all, just constrained. I felt that there was this awful weight on me and I couldn't cope with it anymore. It might not have worked and it was a risk, but for the first time in a long time we actually communicated and that's really a joint effort. I'm hopeful (obviously :)) that it's taken away a lot of ill feeling for both of us.

I still have much to do, but dealing with that one recent situation has helped me find some strength to continue working on everything else. I've been searching out new therapists and hope to contact some in the next couple of days. I do feel very damaged but I have to keep telling myself that the only way is up.