Title says it all really. In August he went out with his mates one night and didn't come back home until the next morning. This is really unusual, I was suspicious but he fed me a story about going back to his mates and falling asleep.
Christmas eve he went out to his works do, the next morning his iphone was charging on the side and he got a message "hi are you up". The msg was from a number not a contact. I knew it was weird because he has all his contacts on his phone and anyone texting him at that time of the morning asking if he was up should be in his phone.
I don't know why but I jotted the number down in my phone and thought I would check it against his online bill later (he doesn't get paper bills and I run all the phone accounts).
You can imagine what I found, numerous calls/texts dating back to August. Some gaps of a few weeks and some days with 40 odd texts (Christmas eve when he was on his works do).
I blocked my phone number and called the number to see if a girl answered and of course it was a girl. I didn't say anything and hung up.
Confronted him and it all came out. He met her in the August up town, went back to her friends house and slept with her. She doesn't come from her and lives up North. He has been in periodic contact with her, sometimes daily sometimes not for weeks since then. He says he's only ever seen her the first night and since then its just been phone contact. He wasn't pursuing a relationship with her, but enjoyed talking to her as a friend because she's 'just nice to talk to'. She thinks he is single with no kids and would be mortified if she knew he was married. I text her to tell her he was married and he was utterly embarrased.
So here we are 3 days later, I think i'm still in shock. Shaking, not eating, it just hits me like a sledgehammer in the chest. He is not here obviously, he comes to see the kids and put them to bed and I go out. We've talked a few times, I was expecting him to be on his knees begging to come back. He has cried and said hes so sorry hes hurt me and ruined the family, but that he doesn't understand why hes done this to me and that 'I don't deserve to be treated like that so he needs time to think things through because his head is a mess'. I'm more shocked by that than anything, why isn't he begging to come home, telling me how much he loves me and misses me. His plan is that he is staying with his mate (I know this is true, he has iphone location services on his phone so I can check where he is any minute of the day), that he really thinks we need to keep talking everyday and see if we can figure out what we're going to do. He has agreed to go to therapy together.
I have no idea what I want, at first I couldn't imagine having him back, but as soon as I realised he was starting to pull away, I started clinging to him coming back. I don't know if I actually want him back or if i'm panicking at the thought of him leaving me.
I know I love him. I don't know if he loves me. I don't know if its even possible to get over something like this, we have both always given each other complete freedom when it comes to going out, pursuing our own interests etc. I don't want to be checking up on him, not letting him out and worried for the next 10 years.
Where the hell do you go from here?
Sorry should say we have been together for 14 years and have 3 small children.
Thanks if you got this far!