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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

after months of texting and flirting it happened

64 replies

footynutter · 28/12/2011 13:43

I have posted about this before. For the last 6 months i have been texting someone it has got very suggestive and has been a two way thing. Ok, im single but he is not and I used to be friends with his wife - we are no longer friends because she accused us of having an affair although at that point we hadnt done anything physical. Their marriage is over and she is having an affair, but i know this doesn't make what we are doing right. For months he has suggested we meet up and have sex however we never have until boxing day night. It was just fantastic but it was just sex (no kissing) he text me when he had got home that night and all day yesterday but wont answer me when i have asked was it just a one off ?? any advice appreciated. I realise i may get shot down in flames aswell.

OP posts:
HoHoHoudini · 28/12/2011 14:35

Why HRH? Seriously?

The inevitability of betrayal. After months of texting and flirting, it's happened.

That's MONTHS of time to think about the wrongs of fucking a MM, of shitting on your supposed friend's doorstep?

It was an accident, we never saw it coming... Like I slipped and landed on his dick.... Hmm

She could have spent the time thinking about what she was doing rather than allowing herself to be devalued to the point that she classes a sleazy no-lips shag as 'fantastic'.

My bet is that he just wanted to fuck her and now he has, he'll carve that notch and work on the next one.

Teaandcakeplease · 28/12/2011 14:36

Are you sure the wife is really having an affair and they've had no sex in 3 years?

My ExH told the OW a whole bunch of lies to convince her that our marriage was on the rocks. I was at home breastfeeding a 4 week old colicky baby boy and coping with a 17 month old toddler, no idea of what he was doing. The lies he fed her and me to cover it were mind boggling Sad

I would say end it now.

LadyBeagleBaublesAndBells · 28/12/2011 14:39

I also think that OP has a very sad view of men and relationships if she find's this acceptable treatment.
Move on OP, it's better to have nobody than that.

HRHBarbaraMillicentR0berts · 28/12/2011 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoHoHoudini · 28/12/2011 14:49

Yes I would.

Anyone who would fuck someone else's H wouldn't be a friend of mine for very long.

There is NO excuse. There really isn't.

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 14:53

I would. If she was a friend. She is going to end up hurting herself too, don't forget. She asked for advice, the advice is unanimous. Walk away.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/12/2011 14:54

For months he has suggested we meet up and have sex

How romantic can a man get?

I can only hope his performance matched his persistence.

KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 14:55

Why couldn't you find your own man?

There's literally millions of available men out there, do you have no self control, respect or morals?

HoHoHoudini · 28/12/2011 14:57

What advice does OP want? seriously?

Her question appears to be, 'We've had sex, I know he got home, but now he's gone AWOL' 'What now?'

The only advice to that is to realise what has been done is WRONG and to make sure that it ALL comes to an end and she finds a man that is not married.

If she's not looking for the answer to the question 'What now?' then why post here at all? To flaunt? To publicise her indiscretion? To get more negative attention? This is a site, and indeed board, where the majority of posters are women, in relationships, many married.

The Relationships board is dominated by threads about cheating, sexting or flirting spouses. Getting reminded that this is one of the shittiest things to do to another human being/family is going to happen if you post this thread on the relationships board of MN.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 28/12/2011 15:00

I disagree that he won't be back. He will, but it will be on his terms, when he fancies some and he will ignore you inbetween.

OneLieIn · 28/12/2011 15:00

OP, don't worry about what SOME people say about you. Sounds like he wanted a shag and you did too. There doesn't sound like any basis for a relationship or even hope of one. Not every person wants a relationship, sometimes a good old fashioned fck will do Grin

Agree with others, look after yourself. Things like this rarely end well Sad

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 15:03

OP, you sound vulnerable, needy and desperate. THis man is not the answer to your problems, he is a nasty selfish bit of work who probably has a whole string of unhappy women he can go and have sex on in exchange for a few fibs.
Put him out of your mind and go to work on your self esteen. Casual sex is fine, there's nothing wrong with it, being single is fine too. But letting knobbers like this do exactly what they want with you and feeling too passive and helpless to ask for anything in return is very unhealthy.

Original poster
footynutter · 28/12/2011 15:04

Thank you for all your advice and to the one person that seemed did at least care that I have feelings too. Its very difficult to put everything down in a post on a website. Im not proud of what i did and did want advice which ive got. Thank you. I do hope though that you all stay happily married and never find your self in a situation like this.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 28/12/2011 15:04

most certainly id say this in
stop being willing orifice for a cock
if you want a no ties fuck get your disco boots on,and go pull in a club
but this attempt at relationship and no kissing but a fuck is tawdry
you are tawdry op

Original poster
footynutter · 28/12/2011 15:05

Thank you oneliein :)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 28/12/2011 15:07

is this were you personally thank advice you like
and purposefully ignore any other comments
and yes I'd say same in rl too
mr wonderful wouldn't even kiss you, wow he really has a disdain for you

LadyBeagleBaublesAndBells · 28/12/2011 15:07

What sgb said.

secretary · 28/12/2011 15:49

Oh dear OP.

To be honest, I think him going AWOL could be for the best. Either he's a bit of a shit and is telling all kinds of stories to get you into bed, or supposing that his wife is having an affair - potentially in reaction to an emotional affair that's already taken place, or other affairs or an unhappy marriage in general that neither have the guts to leave - this is a wasp's nest that you really don't want any part in. If he does reemerge, sounds like a tawdry affair is likely, indulging tit for tat for his marriage and leaving you feeling like shit. You deserve better than that, don't you?

I'm sure you're not proud of the situation, and I guess you don't feel great now. Let it go before you end up knee deep in something you can't handle.

michglas · 28/12/2011 15:50

Yes I would say this to you in real life, because I would say to friends as I would be disgusted by their behaviour.

HoHoHoudini · 28/12/2011 16:19

" I do hope though that you all stay happily married and never find your self in a situation like this."

Nice. Hmm

FWIW, I was in a shitty abusive relationship for over 10 years, and now been alone for almost a YEAR. I have been OUT 4 times this year, 3 of those for work functions.

I had a MM come on to me recently, FULL TILT. I have not had ANY attention from ANYONE in YEARS. It was so tempting to give in, but I didn't. I managed to resist. He went off in a huff in the end.

I didn't know his life, his wife etc.

You know his wife, she accused you of having an affair with him to your face, which you wrongly denied. THAT should have been your wake up call. It wasn't. You STILL fucked him.

You have NO chance of being happily ANYTHING with morals like that love.

So you sit there and get all snarky with us for judging. I have been in your shoes, and I knew not to do it. So I DO have the right to say what I think. If you were my friend I'd have said it all to your face too. If I had have lost your friendship over it, that would have been fine too. I feel THAT strongly about it.

You doubtless DO feel bad. You deserve to. You know that too.

Now pack it in, find some pride and dignity and move on. We all make mistakes. This was yours. To carry on in this grim and sordid behaviour will destroy what is left of you.

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 16:29

I do hope though that you all stay happily married and never find your self in a situation like this.

OP you seem to be overlooking the fact that you did not 'find yourself' in this situation. You deliberately got into it. It took you months of texting and flirting but you got there in the end. If you wanted/expected more than a one night stand you should have made that clear.

Even if he were not married, I would offer the same advice. He did not kiss you. He is now ignoring you. Why pursue him. he's not the catch of the day. Write that one off as a bad experience, hopefully learn from it, and move on.

If he calls in a weeks' time or next month will you go running? That's what you should really be thinking about now. Because if you do, you haven't learned anything and will keep repeating the same mistakes.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2011 16:36

OP... think carefully about what your this man's wife has told you and what this man has told you. It's very easy to confuse who said what when you want to justify something and it makes all the difference to the story.

Who told you?:

  1. The wife is having an affair?
  2. She knows about the affair?
  3. The marriage is over?
  4. The wife is planning to leave in two years' time?
  5. They haven't had sex for three years?

Some of these questions you've intimated that the wife has told you... but I can't see why she would really, not if she thinks you were having an affair. Why give you more ammunition?

It doesn't sound as if this man even likes you, OP. You aren't going to be the next relationship but you will continue to be the 'port in storm' if you're willing. :(

izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/12/2011 17:33

Apropos of Charbon's response, here's your other thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1299587-After-ten-years-thats-it-and-no-contact

Is this knob one and the same as the knob you've wasted 10 years on?

izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/12/2011 17:34

Goddammit, I always forget to convert the link: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1299587-After-ten-years-thats-it-and-no-contact

loopylou6 · 28/12/2011 17:36

It was sex op. Pure animalistic sex. the no kissing and his ignoring your questions prove that.

don't let it happen again or you'll be setting yourself up for a mighty fall.