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Original poster

Ex moving back in

29 replies

AndLibbyMakesThree · 28/12/2011 12:45

Hi

I wondered if anyone could give me any advice.

16 months ago my ex and I split up. We have one DS, who's now 3. My ex has been renting a flat while I stayed in the family home. I wanted to sell our home straight away so we could both move on, but he didn't want to.

Anyway, our house is finally up for sale, but my ex has said that we just can't afford to keep paying for two places (our house and the flat he's living in) and he's moving back in.

I totally agree that financially having two places is a nightmare, especially as I'm a SAHM and he doesn't earn a big salary. But I'm absolutely dreading him moving back in. I was so unhappy before he moved out, and I've been slowly trying to piece my life back together and get used to being a single mum. I've had an awful couple of years (mum died, had a miscarriage, had to accept that I'll never have the second child I longed for, and discovered my son has autism) and am really struggling emotionally.

I can't stop him moving back in, as we own the house jointly. Also I should add that he's not a violent or aggressive person, so I'm not scared for my safety. However, I'm very worried about how it will affect my son, and I'm also terrified of how it will affect my mental health. I'm just about hanging on, but knowing he's moving back in feels like the final straw - I just want to run away.

I'm not sure if there's anything that anyone can do, but if anyone's been in a similar situation, or if anyone can offer any advice, I'd be really grateful.

Thanks for reading this.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/12/2011 12:53

have either of you got new partners, because I can't see how that would work if you did?

Why could your ex afford to rent a flat before, but can't afford it now, has something changed?

HoHoHoudini · 28/12/2011 12:57

Get some legal advice. Go to the CAB.

You are entitled to end the relationship, and he has no right to demand (by forcing himself back on you) to ignore that. This is very manipulative behaviour on his part. If you are in fear of the effects it will have on your MH, that ought to be reason enough for anyone, including him, to discontinue with that course of action.

PUT THE HOUSE ON THE MARKET, tell him to put a charge for his share of it, but that you will NOT have him living back with you.

HoHoHoudini · 28/12/2011 12:59

Oh, saw you have the house on the market. GOOD. The rest of the advice stands.

Could you look into getting a job that could work with childcare arrangements? even if only part time? You need to do whatever it takes to keep your home your own.

Original poster
AndLibbyMakesThree · 28/12/2011 13:12

Thanks so much for the replies.

No, neither of us have new partners (at least I'm assuming he doesn't!)

It was always a strain financially for him to pay for a flat as well as our house, but we're getting more and more in debt every month and he says the bank will stop us using our account soon.

HoHoHoudini - he's not trying to re-start the relationship with me, he just says we can't afford to keep two places any longer. When our house is sold, we'll get 50% each. I don't mind selling the house, as it's too big for just me and my son, and I need somewhere smaller I can afford on my own. I'll get a job when my son starts school, but that's still nearly 2 years away. Getting a job now wouldn't help, as any salary I'd earn wouldn't even cover childcare, let alone the cost of my ex's flat/bills as well, but thanks for the idea - I really appreciate it.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
blackcatsdancing · 28/12/2011 13:15

i would ask him what has changed financially , and say that it will be very confusing for your son to have Dad move back in again and so not in his best interests. See a solicitor. IMHO it doesn't follow that he is refusing to let the relationship end, could be any number of reasons behind this- maybe he expects house prices to rise a bit? Maybe he has had to take a pay cut at work ?(my partner had to recently). See a solicitor to know your full rights and be strong in asserting yourself to your ex. Good luck.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/12/2011 13:18

Have you been financially independent for the last 16 months by claiming benefits and child support, or has your ex been funding the cost of two estabishments plus your upkeep solely from his earnings ?

blackcatsdancing · 28/12/2011 13:19

opps XP. appeal to his better nature. He probably doesn't want his son to be distressed again when the house sells and you effectively split up all over (which is how it will feel to your child). See a solicitor . Is there any chance you could get a short term lodger ? Maybe foreign students? might be something you can risk if getting benefits.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/12/2011 13:19

You don't have to afford childcare completely - you can claim 70% of it back, or your ex can do the childcare.

You will be much better off financially with a job.

Another option would be for you to move out and rent, you'd get housing benefit to help with that.

kodachrome · 28/12/2011 13:21

If youreally can't keep him out legally, then if you can talk civilly, I would tell him your concerns for your son and see if he would consider finding a house-share or moving in with family/friends as an interim measure.

If he won't have any of that, then perhaps mediation or counselling sessions together to sort out how to share the house without coming into conflict - so he doesn't expect you to do his cooking/cleaning etc. I'd make sure your bedroom is a safe space you can enjoy retreating to: lock, tv etc. If you only have two bedrooms, I'd move your ds in with you. See your gp and look for ways to support your MH over this tricky period.

blackcatsdancing · 28/12/2011 13:24

can you claim any benefits? Or maybe the situation would be different if you were in rental accommodation and he was in the house - benefits wise that is. Try calling housing benefit , they can see if you are entitled to any help. Try CAB but some CAB services are a bit rubbish . Lone parent advisers at Job centre are great (in my experience) and returning to work won't make you worse off as Gov will pay lots towards childcare costs, then there are tax credits etc etc.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 13:27

Definitely get some professional advice. Do you think there is any chance that he will listen to reason about the upsetting effect on your DS of having him move back in and then out again? Or is he a selfish knob anyway?

springydaffs · 28/12/2011 13:28

I'd give Womens Aid a call 0808 2000 247. They aren't just advisors for domestic abuse but all rights of women. They're very hot on what's what and should be able to give you some excellent advice. I really think you need to push this, partiuclarly as your MH is fragile. I hope the house sells in record time which would deal with the problem naturally.

Original poster
AndLibbyMakesThree · 28/12/2011 13:34

Hi

Lots to think about there, thank you.

I've talked to him and told him how disturbing it will be for our son (he'll be happy to have his dad back but I think it will be terrible for him when we go our separate ways again). I've also told him how unhappy it will make me. I've asked him about living with friends/family, but he's said there's no one (he could stay with his brother a few nights, but not for months). We even discussed him moving in with my sister and family!

We've talked about mediation to help us sharing the house and he said he'd arrange it, but hasn't yet. Will talk to him again about this. He wouldn't expect me to cook for him, but he's very undermining of me in lots of ways, which is what I'm worried about.

He's been paying for us all for the past 16 months - his choice. I just wanted to sell the house and get on with our lives, at which point of course I'll be financially independent.

I wouldn't get help with rent if I moved out, as my mum left me money when she died. I've been saving this so that I can afford to buy a flat when we sell our house.

I'll look into getting a part time job and also a seeing a solicitor, but legally I don't think I can stop him moving back in.

Thanks again - as I said, you've all given me lots to think about. I've felt so down that sometimes it's hard to see things clearly.

OP posts:
HoHoHoudini · 28/12/2011 13:34

Could you look at renting out the house and allow the rent to cover the rents of 2 smaller properties while you wait to sell it? Sure it's not ideal, but it might help keep your lives separate..

Smum99 · 28/12/2011 13:45

As you have savings do consider using them to rent for a period of time. It would give you the time to sell the place and buy a new place without the pressure. Yes you may use up some savings but it would seem to be a good investment. Are you married?

Also consider getting a job to support yourself as the feeling of independence is worthwhile. It's hard to feel separated and move on with your life when your ex is still financially supporting you.

Rebekmah · 28/12/2011 13:53

Just a suggestion, but rather than him rent a flat, could he not get a room in a shared house? Lots available and much cheaper.

Xales · 28/12/2011 13:58

You didn't have to let him pay everything for the last 16 months. Anytime during that period you could have made a much stronger stand and asserted your financial independence or moved out yourself and insisted the house be sold.

If he is sinking so far into debt the bank is going to stop his accounts then I assume repossession or some sort of black listing will not be far behind that. If you are linked with the mortgage etc then that may well affect your ability to buy/rent another place. Even if you are sitting on a nice pile of cash.

If the house is too big for you and your son then it sounds like there is space for him and you for a few months. If you explain what is happening to your son the impact will be minimal and if he is a hands on dad when apart then he will still be seeing his dad lots.

Seems really harsh and mean banging on about your legal rights and making arrangements to talk to a solicitor to keep him out of the house for a few months while it sells just so you can carry on your cushy life and keep your savings while he crashes anywhere and everywhere for a few days/week until the house is sold or sinks futher into debt!

Why don't you move out and rent and let him move back in until it is sold?

Original poster
AndLibbyMakesThree · 28/12/2011 15:09

Xales: I should point out that I wanted to sell the house, and got estate agents round to give valuations, but he REFUSED to let it be sold and said I couldn't sell it without his agreement. This is NOT what I wanted.

"If you explain what is happening to your son the impact will be minimal..." - how much understanding do you think a 3-year-old with autism has?

"banging on about your legal rights" ... I can't see anywhere I've done this!

As for having a "cushy life", I can assure you that being a single parent and looking after an autistic child is anything but cushy.

Thanks a lot to everyone else for their replies. I really appreciate them. But to Xales, I think you were unnecessarily harsh. I've already mentioned that I'm in a very fragile state at the moment, and your post really hasn't helped.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 28/12/2011 15:19

If you have enough for a deposit on a flat, why not move ahead with that, as long as you can legally protect your interest in your current home at the same time? Or do you think he would then stall plans to sell up?

kodachrome · 28/12/2011 15:56

Also, don't wait for him to arrange things, set up mediation sessions yourself. You'll feel stronger when you have more control over the situation, and the only way to achieve that is not to leave it down to him to sort out. Take it on yourself, don't be passive - get legal advice and start making things happen.

gettingeasier · 28/12/2011 18:55

I am not sure what legal advice is required here

He has , by his own choice, paid for everyones upkeep and now cannot go any further into debt to continue. It seems odd if he didnt have the money to fund this without borrowing cash that he wouldnt have wanted to have sold your house in the first place , unless he thought it would rise in value or somesuch ?

I think awful prospect as it may be you cannot prevent him from moving back if he cant afford to keep the flat going. Really he should have looked in his piggy bank six months ago and got the house on the market then if he saw this coming.

Its not in your interests for more debt to accumulate either as this will be your joint liability too assuming you are married ?

I would swallow hard and get busy putting a fresh lick of paint around ,get the house sold and then buy your own place

gettingeasier · 28/12/2011 18:57

Sorry I dont mean to sound so brisk and unfeeling OP I know its shit

NettleTea · 29/12/2011 17:56

I dont understand why you havent split your finances and been claiming the benefits you would be entitled to. If the house is too big for you and your son, could you take in a lodger to pay towards the mortgage, or as others have said, rent the whole house and rent 2 smaller properties.
Sounds like although he says he isnt thinking about getting back together his actions say otherwise - the comments about him undermining you and the concerns for your mental health, as well as his refusal to sell, make me wonder if he was emotionally abusive - especially as you talk about you managing to piece your life back together.
Have you had any legal advice/ got a solicitor about divorce? After this amount of time you are very nearly at the point where you can divorce without any need for a 'reason' due to having been seperated for 2 years - not sure if that would hold if he moved back - he could claim that there was a relationship. I dont like the sound of it tbh.

RedHelenB · 29/12/2011 19:29

If you can find a 16 hr a week job, 70% of childcare would be paid for, you could get a mortgage based on that, maintenance & tax credits which out together with your inheritance should allow a deposit, He has every right to move back in & I suspect he may not be in the hurry that you are to sell. Take control & rent if necessary.

FabbyChic · 29/12/2011 19:49

If the house is in joint names he did not have to pay for your half of the mortgage, the only option and it should be the option you take is to sell the house and use your equity to rent a house, the rent on the house will be covered by housing benefit.

I assume you have been receiving benefits, once he moves back in you are no longer entitled to them so will be reliant upon him for any money you get/have.