DP talking to young women on Facebook (again)

[TheRocks]

Last year we had an incident where DP seemingly became obsessed with a young 20 something woman. Started messaging on facebook, bought her an expensive Birthday Present, tried to get her to meet up "for drinks" etc. Long story short, I stumbled upon it, told him I wasn't happy but as he pointed out he'd not actually done anything wrong. She was just a friend. There were no incriminating messages but the whole thing just seemed wrong iyswim? Anyway that stopped.

I stumbled across his open facebook page yesterday however and noticed it's started up again with another young 20 year old from work. Oh all very innocent stuff - "Hi Jodie, what hours are you working today? I'm 9-5 " / "I finish at 3 then going partying! yay lol" / "oh lucky! haha wish I was" / "ring in sick and go and get drunk instead haha" / "yeah think I might! I have a case of lager with my name on it lol" / "yeah go Jodie! haha "

Christmas DAY!!! "Hiya, did you have a nice Christmas?" / "yes thanks, did you? " / "bit boring when you're older haha" / "aww I doubt it! lol" / "wish I was 20 again!" / "It's not that great lol" / "I loved being 20, going out seeing gigs and exploring the world, I still see a lot of gigs now btw, I'm not as boring as I look at work, last gig I went to see ....... " / "Think I need to start exploring the world!"

Ok innocent enough but appropriate??? I don't know, something just doesn't seem right or am I being paranoid?? I notice he sent her another message 2 hours ago saying "do you wanna buy some cookies? lol " so private in jokes now as well.

Paranoid or do I have a problem here?

Id be very tempted to play him at his own game and start chatting to some men on your facebook and see how he feels about that, bet he wouldnt be happy with you doing that despite him thinking what hes doing is ok.
Its perfectly fine to have friends of the opposite sex when your in a relationship but there should be clear boundries and he certainely shouldnt be having private conversations and jokes with females that you know nothing about. unacceptable.

See I sometimes have conversations with guys on facebook but they're public, on my wall - everyone can see them. I wouldn't dream of taking the conversations private.

Anyway he doesn't realise I can get into his facebook page so it's unlikely he'll stop before it gets too personal because as far as he's aware, I have no idea it's even going on.

But Rocks, are you not hurt by all this?
Why play games?
Your relationship is on shakey ground, why not just confront him and end it?

The thing is, whether she responds or not - he's trying, and fairly indiscriminately. She's clearly not interested - but HE is, and that's what would upset me.

Make sure you take a screen shot, or print out the messages so that you have proof - obviously he will delete them if he gets wind that you're looking at his messages. Other than that, I really have no idea how you should handle this.

I am hurt Clara but I'm sick to death of all the lying yet everytime I confront him it's made out that I'm paranoid and he has an answer for everything.
I suppose it just makes things easier for me if I catch him in the act, he can't wriggle out of it and that will be the end - no room for discussion or persuasion.

Run for the hills OP!

How sad, disrespectful and pathetic he is. Why waste time snooping on him and worrying all the time, he is clearly not committed and is being lecherous indiscriminately. Knob. He needs dumping and you need to look forward to better things.

I think looking and finding proof is by the by really. Do you really want to continue with someone whom you are simply waiting to catch out?

You don't need proof, or to justify your suspicions to him.

Yuck. Really shitty behaviour from him- the messaging and his reaction to being found out. This can't be good for your mental health or self esteem. I hope you can get rid of him soon.

Yes, he's not physically done anything, but that's only because he hasn't been given the opportunity; it's not for want of trying!

Whilst he may technically remained faithful to you, it's simply because other women have said no. This is not good. You really don't have to wait until he has been physically unfaithful to dump him. I'd do it right away.

My Ex did this, he progressed to setting up meetings and lying to them to big himself up. That's 50% of the reason he's an Ex. What contributed to the other 50%, by a significant amount, was that I simply couldn't respect anyone who was so skin-crawlingly, slimily desperate. All that 'oh i bet you have all the men after you lol heehee' followed by inane penis-based pun, random misspelling, lol haha, creepy hint lol lol, did i mention I knew slebs/am rich/have a cool job lie.Lol.

Honestly, it still makes me shudder and your messages above are just the same, as I read them.

Rocks they're very very good at lying, comes as easy as breathing.

I agree you don't need proof you have it. But I'd keep the evidence. Maybe copy it and send it to your email address then keep it in a private folder. Can you tell I have experience of this? Luckily dp and I have a very honest relationship. Plus we're too long in the tooth for game playing.

I hope you come to a decision soon can't be nice.

OP just reading his messages made me recoil. What Sue said sums it up. I understand you wanting to find out just how bad he gets, yes you already have proof but for you need enough to find your own tipping point of no return. Sadly, I don't think you'll have long to wait.

You already seem to have detached to a certain degree, something tells me you will be just fine.

Oh, you will definitely be fine! It's just a question of catching him at it.

You don't need proof of anything more if what he's doing now is unacceptable to you and he won't stop when you ask him to. You don't have to have evidence of a criminal offence. You're the judge.

Yes, everyone has their own tipping point as helen says.

I suspect i'd be the same as you, op, and want to give him enough rope to hang himself properly.

Good luck to you - i'm sorry you're having to go through this

Ugh he sounds disgusting and pathetic. I'm 22 and would run for the hills if he was messaging me all the time. It doesn't matter that he's not said anything sexual or whatever, the fact is he's putting time and effort into talking to young girls that should be spent on you. I bet given half the chance he'd have his way with any young girl that offered.

Why wait for proof? He'll probably deny hat as well. Get out before he breaks your heart even more

Okay,my DP was messaging some of his women friends,including an ex girlfriend,on FB. He was also being weird and secretive with his phone and email account staying up late etc.
I was hurt,confused and I made it very clear what it looked like and that I wouldn't stand for it,he maintained he was not looking for anything(for one thing the ex lives in Australia) but he completely understood how it might make me feel.
he stopped.
he gave me the password to his account and let me look at his phone/email / computer history whenever I wanted.

TBF I DO suffer from anxiety and our relationship WAS on the rocks anyway,because I wasn't on the correct meds (whole other story)

The point I'm trying to make is that he accepted full responsibility,never once tried to blame me,or make me feel like I shouldn't be upset by it.
He was open and honest and thought hard about it,
That is the only reason we made it though our bad patch. Honesty.

Good luck,whatever you decide.

I'd just like to point out,that DP would never use lol,or hehe,and is not remotely creepy

Why would he get so uptight about you reading his FB messages if he had nothing to hide,sounds like this guy could not lie straight in bed never mind tell you the truth,show him the door he is not going to stop.

Thing is OP - you might not find anything out. These girls might have too much self respect to have anything to do with him. He's still trying though and that is what matters.

If you're not comfortable with how he behaves you are allowed to end it you know. It does not even matter if you are being paranoid. If the relationship does not make you comfortable then you can end it - there is no need for reason or proof if that is what you wish.

What a shitty situation, OP. In your shoes, I would let him hang himself also. For a number of reasons, but mainly because (a) he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of anything, and (b) his family wouldn't be able to blame me, which they would if given half the chance.

Hmm well no more messages on there since the "cookie" message but they work together so I have absolutely no idea what is going on away from Facebook.

I do remember though on boxing day I noticed a text on his phone from Christmas day either to or from an unknown number wishing them a merry christmas with a x on the end. Seems innocent - except someone you're close enough to to text on Christmas Day should surely be in your contacts list? And why was that the only message from that number? almost as if the rest of the conversation had been deleted.

Take the number down & ring it, be very light hearted & chatty but make it clear you are his wife & that you wanted to make sure she was aware of your existence, ditto the FB "friends". No confrontation just information, see if they are aware of all the facts

If he doesn't like it tough, tell you don't like it either.

See I sometimes have conversations with guys on facebook but they're public, on my wall - everyone can see them. I wouldn't dream of taking the conversations private

The "chat" function has changed on FB. Any conversation is automatically saved into the messages box, so it looks as though private messages have been exchanged, when in reality, it is just live chat at the bottom of the screen.