Still very stressed out - but please tell me if I am being unfair & unkind

[LifeHope11]

just to reiterate my situation:

I have a severely disabled DS 10y who has recently gone through major surgery;
I have recently found a new job after a long period of unemployment following redundancy; I am having to work very hard to prove myself in this new role, I need it to pay the mortgage etc;
I suffer from epilepsy & have recently been hospitalised, DH has high blood pressure.

Please tell me if you think it is wrong of me to feel resentful of the situation with MIL? She has recently moved near us (her choice) & I think that she has not thought through what we can realistically do for her or conveyed this to us. I have got annoyed previously because of things she has asked us to to eg to do her laundry (because she doesn't know how to work own washing machine) even though DS is incontinent, we have a ton of washing and nowhere to dry it as it is.

We have just invited her to ours for Xmas Eve and Xmas Day; as usual my own family have been relegated to Boxing Day and the day after (I would say that overall approx two thirds of our Xmases have been spent with DH family rather than mine, so this is normal). DH view is that my own DM are surrounded by family as my DB and DSis are here, so she can easily do without me....DH family are all abroad and without us MIL would spend Xmas alone.

So today we visited my DB for lunch; when we got back MIL called asking to stay with us tonight....she felt scared as the occupant in the next flat to hers was away & she felt lonely I am afraid I raged....we really do not have room in our little house for her. DH of course got stressed as he felt caught in the middle, so of course I was ranted at as being the problem as by not rolling over & accepting it I have caused him stress. I was really ranting & raving that 'she needs to decide if she can hack it living independently in a place on her own' and 'the rest of your family need to take responsibility for this & not leave it all up to you' (DH has siblings & other close family but they all live abroad, he is the only one on the ground so to speak).

Anyway MIL turned up this evening complaining about DH attitude 'I have bent over backwards for you in the past, I have helped you out, I won't come again etc). DH was so stressed there was sweat dripping down his face so felt I could not complain but had to support him as otherwise he would be stuck in the middle. Asked MIL to drop it, it took a long time for her to do so. After bending over backwards to give everyone a nice Xmas it was very hard to stomach the complaining.

It is true that MIL has helped us out in the past though I would say that this is matched if not eclipsed by everything we (esp DH) have done for her recently. It always seems to be down to us.

Anyway she is staying overnight and is in DS room which is adapted to his needs, DS is in our room with DH and I am sleeping on the sofa. We are back at work on Wednesday & this is meant to be a holiday.

Oh dear. Much sympathy OP...sounds stifling.

I don't think YABU or unfair.

You and DH need to sit down with her and have a full and frank chat about what you can and can't do for her and to say that if she needs more help than you can offer, then she needs to reconsider her living arrangements. DH needs to speak to his siblings so they do their fair share, and your family can come first too.

If she has to stay in the future, leave DS in his room - its adapted for him. Get a blow up bed for you and/or DH to put in DSs room for emergencies (such as this) in the future.

I'm afraid I would have put my foot down and said no. To say she is scared is ridiculous and lonely.... well time to get out and make friends not sabotage your holiday. Is your MIL a seriously immature twunt?

Think I'd be tempted to go and sleep the night in her flat so that I could have a proper bed instead of a sofa!

Seriously, I've seen your previous post LH and I do think you've got to have a serious chat with your DH about his mum and get some clear boundaries laid down to her and him.

But I also think you should consider looking for another, possibly part-time job. I think you've got too much to cope with and will end up with serious MH problems if you don't make change of some sort to get better quality of life for yourself.

You need to speak to mil and make it clear she cannot sleep over. Your ds needs his bed and bedroom. You need to sleep well and she is an adult.
I understand she is lonely and might need help but not at the risk of yours and dh health. Seriously could she take care of your ds if you got ill?
As For work, maybe try and take it easy for a bit of possible.

I would get her to sleep on the sofa - it might stop her coming over! Think it pretty mean of her to disrupt all your sleeping arrangements like that, especially your DS.

You all sound under so much stress for various reasons. Is it time to call a family meeting and see if a way forward can be found? Could overseas siblings arrange for her to visit, pay for a cleaner etc? Are there local classes she could attend, WI, U3A, or oddfellows society. And as for tonight YANBU to be aggrieved at sofa sleeping. It sounds like it's all falling on you to make decisions and be the grown-up. Others need to step up a little and let you be there for your child.

yanbu.

adoes your \dh do her laundry? Could you send him over to hers to show her how to use the nmachine or to do the washing for er?

If I remember correctly, your MIL is in the early stages of dementia, right?

I think you're right that she needs to consider whether or not she can live independently, you are dealing with enough and it is unfair that all of her difficulties are also currently being treated as entirely your responsibility.

Unfortunately it seems that as many people get older, their world becomes very narrow and they become very self-focused and less able to appreciate that others have lives/ other responsibilities too. Dementia would compound all this.

Does she need sheltered housing and home helps? She has to get used to being in her flat alone. What difference does it make if her neighbours aren't there? Many people don't know their neighbours holiday plans. Mine come and go and I'm never sure when they are away overnight at holidays and weekends.
I would not have put her in your son's bedroom and maybe sent husband round to settle her down in her own house for the night. She either lives alone or she doesn't.

This is one of your previous posts which gives an indication of other sources of your discontent: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1287516-To-feel-that-life-is-short-changing-us-and-feeling-bitter-as-well-as-scared

From your earlier lengthy post which as I recall, you titled as being at the end of your tether and feeling like jumping off a bridge it became apparent that your dh has physical health problems, you stopped taking your epilepsy medication in September which led to you recently being briefly hospitalised after a seizure and it appeared that, although she has not been seen by any medical professionals, your MIL is displaying the symptoms of senile dementia or Alzheimer's.

The ongoing contentious issue of your MIL bringing her washing to your home can be resolved either by using a laundry service all of your household's bedlinen and MIL's items, or by purchasing a non-condensing dryer which can be situated anywhere in your home as these appliances do not need venting.

Alternatively, when your MIL brings her laundry to your home, your dh could take it with him when he returns her to her flat, set her washing machine to work, and remove it and put it to dry in her spare room on his following visit. If you seriously cannot fit a non-condensing dryer in your home or garage/shed, perhaps you could utilise your MIL's spare room for drying ds's bedlinen.

Instead of depriving ds of his bedroom which resulted in you sleeping on the sofa last night, your dh could have returned his dm to her home and stayed over with her until early this a.m.

As her condition advances your MIL's demands on her son's time will increase and, at the current time, neither your MIL nor her absent family members are best placed to make a decision as to whether she can 'hack it living independently'.

Your MIL clearly needs more support than you are willing or able to give her, and I would therefore suggest that you prevail on your dh to call your local council's Social Services and request a visit to asesss your MIL's needs and make arrangements for her to be seen by a geriatrician.

While it is understandable that you have elected to scapegoat your MIL, it is unfair of you to rant and rave at your dh who actively shares the burden of care for your ds, and who had to care for him alone while also meeting the demands of his dm while you were recently indisposed.

I hope that you will put some of the numerous suggestions you were given in your previous posts into practice and that 2012 will be a more rewarding and fulfilling year for you and your family than 2011.

The OP's MIL is not a 'seriously immature twunt' *pickgo.

On the contrary, she is an elderly woman who is displaying the symptoms of senile dementia which is no doubt the cause of her irrational behaviour.

Setting 'boundaries' would be akin to setting the poor lady up to fail.

Izzywizzy- hat off to you for such well thought out, excellent advice. Nowt to add, op, its all there above

Didn't realise she had dementia. Speak to your local mental health team about your concerns. They will assess her & provide support (with washing if needs be). It would be worth involving them & the sooner the better as medications can often be of more benefit early on. Plus it will take the pressure off you both.

Hope you slept ok OP.

Thanks for your replies. I had already talked to DH (this morning as on previous occasions) about the need to get SocialServices involved....part of the problem though is that she refuses this, thinks DH should do it all.

I also told DH that he should call his DSibing who lives overseas for emotional support, which he did..this sibling agreed MIL should stay with them. She could stay for months, they have plenty of space, lovely weather, older children who are less demanding & may even be of some help. The difficulty is persuading her to go as she refuses, though DS has offered to fly down with her.

We have looked at so many solutions but if the answer to all of them is a flat 'no' and we are expected to do it all what should we do? I really don't want to scapegoat or ostracise her in any way- I want all our lives to be made better. I think that this situation is just too much for me & it just plain can't go on.

Just to update: MIL said at 6;30am this morning that she wanted to go back home, as it was dark DH took her back. He is now in bed catching up on rest & stress-induced headache so I am looking after DS on my own.

We are supposed to be going out today to spend some (deferred & now further curtailed) time with my own family, my DM having travelled a couple of hundred miles to be here for Xmas. She will be staying with DB but not with us because she knows we don't have space. I don't have an infinite number of Xmases left with my DM either. And I know all about dementia; my DF was a sufferer and passed away not long ago.

I wonder when my family is ever going to come first; the answer (unless I really put my foot down and commit what DH calls 'selfish' & a 'deal breaker' ) is never. I said that next Xmas I wanted to spend with my own family and MIL needed to travel overseas if she wanted family round her. DH thinks this is unreasonable of me & even made veiled threats to dump me should I go through with this....as he sees it my DM is lucky enough to have lots of family around her so she doesn't need us the way his own DM does. I do understand where he is coming from; but where does that leave me & DS, don't we count too? I know that my DM misses seeing more of us at Xmas.

I am having to vent on here as I don't trust myself to open my mouth at home.

LH I have seen many of your posts and I think you are amazing. How is your DSs recovery following surgery progressing?
You have a very difficult set of life circumstances and your mil is making too many demands that you simply cannot meet. Does your dh get this? Was the financial issue with mil ever resolved? That would eat me up if it wasn't.
Are you still doing her laundry?

You are neither unfair nor unkind. I'm amazed you have not exploded

I think you have got to put your foot down more with your H. OK he has high blood pressure, but that's not a disabling illness and it's easily controlled with meds. I wonder if you have (understandably) got into the mindset that people who are 'ill' need to be indulged no matter what. High blood pressure is not an illness that needs the sufferer to be given his/her own way all the time so s/he doesn't drop dead of thwartedness.
It's not your MIL's fault that she's being a PITA by the sound of it, if she's got dementia she isn't really responsible for her behaviour. It is your H's fault that the stress is falling so much on you if he is blocking all your reasonable, practical suggestions.
Best of luck with getting it sorted out. There does come a time when you have to be firm with other people so you don't keel over yourself.

I have seen alot of elderly people with early/mid dementia refusing social services and wanting their relatives to run rings around them. Sadly dementia seems to knock out the empathy neurones early on leaving the selfishness ones intact. Previously selfless old ladies turn into beligerant moaners who behave like toddlers thinking the world should revolve around them. They don't notice their children becoming exhausted and depressed.
The only way your husband can stop this is to refuse to run around after her and set firm boundaries on how much caring he is willing to do and insist repeatedly to her that she gets help for the other stuff or it won't be done.
This stage of dementia when relatives have enough insight to have the capacity to make their own decisions but not enough to realise the consequences for others of their decisions is very hard.
It can destroy the marriages and mental health and careers of carers if they aren't careful. If you have children also needing your care you and your husband have to think about them, as granny won't.

I agree that high blood pressure is a risk factor not an illness.

I think it is true that MIL seems to not realise how much we are affected by this or notice the pressure we are under, and this may be related to the dementia. I have already discussed with DH the need to set limits to the care he can reasonably provide.....he does sometimes see this as me putting more pressure on him and being 'yet another problem', which enrages me. However we had another conversation today on this subject & he seemed more susceptible.

I think DH is the key to a lot of this. Although I don't think our marriage is under threat at the moment I can see how pressure like this can break up previously strong marriages.

Jasper - you are very kind, I do the best I can because I have to & because little boy DS is so precious. He is recovering slowly but surely thank you. It is hard though to see his wasted muscles & scars & to see him struggling to sit up when his 2 yo cousin is walking around.

No I haven't had the money back I lent her to facilitate her flat purchase. And no I don't do her laundry but DH does.....less than previously, as I make a fuss eery time it happens though DH thinks I am overreacting. I am afraid I just object on principle to doing her laundry when DS is incontinent and we permanently have a ton of laundry to do. Everything we put on him in the morning is filthy & stinking by evening, also MIL has own washing machine & far more drying space than me do. I don't know why this upsets me so much but it does.

DH has gone over to see her this evening as she is feeling nervous again. I hope he is back in time to assist in putting DS to bed as an arduous ritual is involved in that.

If she has her own washing machine and space then your husband doing her washing is illogical. Why doesn't he just put a load in her washing machine, set it and phone MIL a couple of hours later reminding her to hang it on drying racks? Or pay for a home help to do this. It is pointless taking it away if she has a machine. She may be beyond setting the machine and sorting the washing though.

Hi 2rebecca, I know it makes no sense for washing to be done here rather than there....it is only by repeatedly moaning & complaining to DH every time I see her things in the wash that the volume of these has been reduced.

I wish that an outright 'no' from me was enough to stop something happening and that I did not have to resort to moaning and complaining. To some who have commented that I should just say 'no' to unreasonable demands rather than giving in to them: I appreciate this but I do not understand what part of my constantly and repeatedly saying 'no' at the top of my voice, accompanied by vigorous shaking of my head, constitutes 'not saying no'.

I repeatedly said no last night to MIL coming but she came all the same. My voice does not seem to amount to much in our home, sometimes when it counts.

As your DH has so little regard for you or your needs (I have been on your other threads too), have you considered that your life might actually be easier/better on your own with DS? Or at the very least not an option that scares you so much that your DH is able to control you by threatening it? He seems to have you over a barrel because he feels that threatening to leave you keeps you 'in line' :(

Hi Chipping....I don't want to break up the family because I love DH and do not want to threaten DS security. Also DH has insisted that should we ever split up he would fight for custody of DS.....he would have a case too as he is a very involved, hands on father & has always presented himself to outside agencies as doing the lion's share of the childcare (in reality it is about 50:50 but I feel it would be difficult to prove that).