Still very stressed out - but please tell me if I am being unfair & unkind

[LifeHope11]

just to reiterate my situation:

I have a severely disabled DS 10y who has recently gone through major surgery;
I have recently found a new job after a long period of unemployment following redundancy; I am having to work very hard to prove myself in this new role, I need it to pay the mortgage etc;
I suffer from epilepsy & have recently been hospitalised, DH has high blood pressure.

Please tell me if you think it is wrong of me to feel resentful of the situation with MIL? She has recently moved near us (her choice) & I think that she has not thought through what we can realistically do for her or conveyed this to us. I have got annoyed previously because of things she has asked us to to eg to do her laundry (because she doesn't know how to work own washing machine) even though DS is incontinent, we have a ton of washing and nowhere to dry it as it is.

We have just invited her to ours for Xmas Eve and Xmas Day; as usual my own family have been relegated to Boxing Day and the day after (I would say that overall approx two thirds of our Xmases have been spent with DH family rather than mine, so this is normal). DH view is that my own DM are surrounded by family as my DB and DSis are here, so she can easily do without me....DH family are all abroad and without us MIL would spend Xmas alone.

So today we visited my DB for lunch; when we got back MIL called asking to stay with us tonight....she felt scared as the occupant in the next flat to hers was away & she felt lonely I am afraid I raged....we really do not have room in our little house for her. DH of course got stressed as he felt caught in the middle, so of course I was ranted at as being the problem as by not rolling over & accepting it I have caused him stress. I was really ranting & raving that 'she needs to decide if she can hack it living independently in a place on her own' and 'the rest of your family need to take responsibility for this & not leave it all up to you' (DH has siblings & other close family but they all live abroad, he is the only one on the ground so to speak).

Anyway MIL turned up this evening complaining about DH attitude 'I have bent over backwards for you in the past, I have helped you out, I won't come again etc). DH was so stressed there was sweat dripping down his face so felt I could not complain but had to support him as otherwise he would be stuck in the middle. Asked MIL to drop it, it took a long time for her to do so. After bending over backwards to give everyone a nice Xmas it was very hard to stomach the complaining.

It is true that MIL has helped us out in the past though I would say that this is matched if not eclipsed by everything we (esp DH) have done for her recently. It always seems to be down to us.

Anyway she is staying overnight and is in DS room which is adapted to his needs, DS is in our room with DH and I am sleeping on the sofa. We are back at work on Wednesday & this is meant to be a holiday.

I echo what Izzy says, from your previous posts it seems pretty apparent that your MIL is displaying dementia. It is therefore pointless to be angry with her about her behaviour. As your DH is clearly unable to provide the level of support she seems to need it is very important that an assessment of her condition takes place.

You mentioned that one of your SILs lived abroad and was quite sympathetic to the situation. You also said that your DH wasn't well and has been struggling physically. I would be inclined to email the SIl and warn her about the deterioration in MILs condition, your concerns for your DH's health and lack of ability to support your own family, and ask her if she can push your Dh to agree to getting MIL medically assessed. From what you have said your MIl does not sound well enough to travel and I worry that the next logical step unless you deal with this head on is that MIl will either move in with you or your DH will effectively move in with her.

My sincerest apologies LH, I hadn't taken in that your MIL has early stage dementia.

Reading your latest posts about your 'no' being ignored (your situation is eerily similar to how mine used to be) I think the trick might be to accept that you do not have control over whether your DH agrees and acts on this but you do have control over whether you cooperate and allow yourself to participate in these decisions that he takes without your agreement. For example, last night I just would not have given up my bed or allowed DS to do so. It is not right that your MIL's needs are constantly put before your own and DS's.

I know how hard and guilt-inducing stepping back like this and throwing all the stress and effort on DH would be - but the answer at least to sorting MIL is obvious, she needs to access more outside help in some form (sheltered housing, home help, residential home) - and if your DH takes the brunt of the work MIL generates then he will be forced to see this and take action and sort out some support and help. In the meantime your own energy and morale won't be dragged down to breaking point and you can continue to focus on DS, who is, afterall, your primary responsibility.

Hope you manage to get rome R & R this hols.

Thanks pickgo & there is no need to apologise as I didn't mention mil dementia in original post. Maybe I should have done but my intention is not to attack or scapegoat MIL but to find a way to make a currently almost intolerable situation acceptable to us all.

I maybe should have refused to give up my & DS bed.....I would find it very hard though to let an elderly lady sleep on the sofa in my house, while I had a comfortable bed.

rookie: many thanks. DH has already contacted SIL at my instigation to see what they can do to help MIL. I am a bit reluctant to contact her direct myself because it may look a little too blatant, like 'you deal with this because I don't want to'; what do you think? I agree that DH should persuade MIL to get a clinical assessment; if he and SIL work together and are both saying the same it should help.

I appreciate all the great advice I am receiving here (whether I refer to it directly); I am following a lot of it already. I just want to see the way forward more clearly. But you will appreciate that some of these circumstances will not change and I am part-venting, part-asking for advice here.

LH - if you are staying because you love him then fair enough, if you are staying because you are scared he will fight for custody of DS that's not good, especially when it backs you into a corner re standing up to him re your MIL. He might get 50/50 shared care - but would that really be so bad? I know DS has SN, but he would get used to the new arrangement in time. I'm not saying 'he's a bastard you need to leave him' - I'm just saying that you sound like you can't stand up for yourself because DH threatens to leave you and that is not a good situation to be in :(

But LH that is the point. Your DH too would not let his mother sleep on the sofa either presumably, so then he has the responsibility of sorting out the problem. I am trying to suggest that you are tacitly enabling the situation to continue by cooperating with it being handled as it is.

Basically if you have no control (when he ignores your desires and needs) then you shouldn't accept responsibility. The two should go together or you end up feeling very resentful indeed, which unresolved leads to unexpressed anger and depression.

I think you really need to force some change in some part of your life, as it is it sounds intolerable to me.

I am so glad to hear that your precious little boy is on the mend

Lifehope11 the reason I mention contacting your SIl directly is because I am sure your Dh hasn't mentioned how much this is impacting on his health. If you could give her this information then I think it would help her to understand the gravity of the situation as tbh MIL needs a medical assessment regardless of wether she wants one or not as your DH cannot cope and perhaps she could be persuaded to take action rather than just being supportive i.e. perhaps she could come over to visit and take up the burden for a bit.

Hope you've had a good day today LH.

Why can't you all spend xmas day together, your family as well as mil