any one here dated a man with kids?

[missymarmite]

Two months ago I met my perfect man. We are so in love it's crazy. He is romantic, funny, kind. Everything is wonderful with him.

Except, I am a LP with one DS, and as he never sees his DF I have struggled to get babysitters to allow us time together. I have a battle every week to get him to stay over one of my friend's, as he hates spending nights away from me.

My boyfriend has 3 DCs, who spend almost half the week with him, covering EVERY weekend plus a day or two in the week. He is a loving father, his kids are his world, and I love that about him. Yet, this means we can only meet on week nights, which makes it even harder on me to sort out childcare on school nights.

We both agreed not to tell our kids about us until today. His two eldest go to the same school as my DS, and we live in a small town, so we had to tell them at the same time.

So we having been sneaking round our kids, and due to both of us being ill in the last 2 weeks, added to christmas with families etc...we have hardly seen each other, let alone got romantic, in almost 3 weeks.

I miss him! I feel like we don't live in the same town, in the same locality, despite the fact that he only lives down the road on the same estate!

Anyhow, today I tell my DS about it. He is so happy and excited. He so wants a father figure, and a family. He has been on at me for ages to get a boyfriend and have a baby, and he is so so happy that he might have a ready made family. I got a bit worried today because he started going on about us moving in with BF, where did he get this idea from? He loves the fact that he will have step-siblings, and he is happy about who they are, he knows them from school.

BF texted me today to say that he'd told his lot and they were happy and could we meet up tomorrow with the kids....

Only this evening he says his eldest has changed their mind, isn't happy about it and we can't meet. I know my DS will be really upset as he got all excited about meeting BF and his DC.

Please can someone tell me it will all be ok? I know it is all early days, and I know the road can never be easy when you have merged families and step-kids/parents etc...

But is this just a normal teething problem, or a sign of the things to come? I am feeling very wobbly about the whole step-family thing. What if his DC HATE ME?

You really have a problem with your son. The things you say he's mentioned are very odd. This attitude of his WILL lead to resentment from your new boyfriends kids. How old are they? You also need to slow down. 2 months and you're feeling 'wobbly about the step family thing'? I know you're prob not, but can't you see that what you've written would make me fear for his pet rabbit?

Why? He is a loving (primary school age) boy. He misses a father in his life, who he hasn't seen since he was 3. I don't personally think that is strange from a child, I certainly don't see that it warrants that response about his pet rabbit! So, now he is at risk of becoming a psycho because he doesn't want to be an only child?

I actually thought we were taking things very slowly and carefully. We kept the kids out of it until we were sure of our feelings for each other. I am sorry if you disagree, but we both have talked about it, and we both feel that we can see ourselves growing old together. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Maybe, if thing work out, we might seriously talk about living together in a year or two. I don't think that is too fast. But we have talked about it between ourselves theoretically, which I also think is sensible, because we both wanted to be sure that we wanted the same thing. There is no point getting a year down the line and finding out that one of us wants to settle down, but the other doesn't. That would lead to more hurt for everyone, kids included.

You've been with him 8 weeks, three of which you've not seen each other. He loves the fact he will have step siblings? Who said he will? Have you not explained that could be possible way in the future? Ready made family? I guarantee - this will end in tears.

Anyhow, today I tell my DS about it. He is so happy and excited. He so wants a father figure, and a family. He has been on at me for ages to get a boyfriend and have a baby,

I'm sorry, but this, I find really weird....

Are you letting your kids dictate your life?!

What age is he anyway?

I have a son who's dad left him at 6 months. He's now 20. He has NEVER said anything remotely like this..... (I've had relationships in the meantime of course...).

Aww, I don't think it's strange that your DS is excited about a ready-made family...I think it's sweet! Why would the other children resent him because of that? How odd.

I do think you're moving too fast, though. Two months is no time at all. You don't really know him. It must be hard when you have to arrange going out around children, so I can see why you introduced them so soon. Ideally, you would have waited a bit longer.

No advice, but good luck!

can't see anything wrong with the boy wanting brothers/sisters as he just observed other families, no doubt. Lots of small girls ask mum for a baby brother or sister, noone thinks them strange.
I just think, OP, you shouldn't have told your DS yet, as indeed 8 wks is too early to be so sure about the future.

I think your ds probably has a romantic idea about what it would be like to have a father figure and siblings. Now you've told him about your dp (and his children), and it seems your ds' fantasy might possibly come true.

Continue to take it slowly - for everyone's sake. And do your best to temper your ds' expectations of what it could be like. It might be marvelous eventually, but undoubtedly there will be a few bumps in the road.

And fwiw, I wouldn't get your ds' hopes up (meeting up, etc) until things are definite. Don't talk in terms of 'maybes' as there is too much scope for disappointment.

Remember, he is a child. I think lone parents can tend to confide in their dc too much (especially if there is only one child at home). And I say that as a single Mum with one child.

Good luck, btw!

Please can someone tell me it will all be ok?

No, of course we can't, and stop living in a fairy tale!

Instead of stressing to find babysitters to dump take care of your kids in order to meet Prince Charming, why don't you spend the time with your son?

Two single parents both with children will be a logistical nightmare in a relationship. Believe me, I know.

Why don't you just go with the flow?

The kids are important here, not the two of you.....

I feel like I have fallen into the twilight zone (not the vampire variety).

My perfectly normal, healthy, happy, child is now a freak by order of mumsnet??????? FFS!

Heard it all now.

Anyone sane want to post an opinion? No? I'm out of here!

While you're gone explain to your son that if he comes out with any of that stuff at school it will upset people. Really - for everybody's sake!

Don't worry about it missy

I think someone's been on the wine and is feeling a tad agressive/nasty.

This isn't AIBU, suburb

I did say there was nothing wrong with your son's wishes fwiw. And the poster next to me.

Missy. Slow DOWN!

Your son is not a freak, any more than mine is. My son wants a new daddy, he's just turned 6. he cries saying he wants a brother or a sister. I know that kids at school have taunted him over not having a sibling. I told him that he gets ALL his mummy's cuddles and doesn't have to share them with anyone!

Now. That's that sorted.

WRT the relationship? Different matter.

Love you have known this guy 2 months, almost half of which you have not met up at all.

Slow down. Take it steady. You are not sure of your feelings love, you don't even know this guy really. You are sure you are interested, you are sure you fancy one another, but you don't know him.

I'm not saying that certain disaster waits, but you can't put your hand on heart and guarantee me that it won't can you?

IF this guy is 'all that', you can explain to him the issues you are having and he will work with you to either part fund proper babysitting, or to arrange things so that you DO get to spend proper adult/date time together so that you CAN get to know who the other one is.

Don't go, i know that there are some dreadful comments here, and they are out of order tbh, but some of us do see your predicament, but also see how you are not being your own best friend.

Thanks Mychild, likeatonneofbricks and earlybird for your considered, reasonable and sensible comments/suggestions, which i will take on board.

My son does have a romantic notion I agree, and I don't think that makes him some kind of freak! Yes it does need careful handling though, and I will be sure to go slow.

Just because my son expresses his wish for what he sees as a "normal" family does not mean he has been "dictating" to me. Where on earth has that come from?

However, as someone suggested, I have been going with the flow. This is the flow!

Come back, OP. Your son sounds adorable and you have received some nasty comments. We hear so many stories in RL and on MN of unwelcoming, horrible stepchildren - at least your DS is positive and friendly. I hope his expectations are met, I truly hope so!

As for your relationship; when I met my DH, he had a child from a previous relationship and had been involved for many years in a very messy on-off relationship with the child's mother which had been "off" for about a year when we met. There was a very bitter fallout and we had difficult times. But it all worked out OK in the end.

But I have to say 8 weeks together in your set-up is no time at all and I think you would be best advised to hold your horses a little bit and accept that things will have to move very slowly. As things stand, the problems are coming from the other side not you so the ball is really out of your court so to speak.

Why not introduce your DS to your boyfriend if you feel strongly about him, keep it laidback and simple, don't talk about moving in together or anything like that but introduce him as a friend. That might give your boyfriend the push that is needed to introduce you to his kids.

Alternatively, why not leave it a few months and see what is happening then.

"Instead of stressing to find babysitters to dump take care of your kids in order to meet Prince Charming, why don't you spend the time with your son?"

Really? Wtf do you think I DO with my time every evening, every day of the holidays (of which I don't work as I work in a school), and considering that DS NEVER spends a night with his father.

Before I met this BF I had only been on a night out ONCE in over 2 years!

I tend to advocating waiting to meet until the honeymoon buzz of a new relationship has passed too (as a LP of 3DC myself).

Its not unreasonable for DP's DCs to not be ready. The DC need to get used to the fact there is someone new in his life, a meet up within 24 hours seems to be hastening it all along.

I know how difficult it is to make the time, but please don't risk your son getting high expectations as your relationship is still at such an early stage.

Someone new coming into their life and then it not working out can be so disheartening for them (and again am speaking from experience).

missy ignore the people who are trying to upset you. You've had some good responses since then.

I agree that it's far too soon to be thinking about anything long-term - you don't know this man and your thinking about moving in? I know, in the future, but it really is too soon for you let alone your child.

I have been in this situation and I know it's tempting to move in together because it solves all the difficulties about babysitters etc... but believe me step families are really really hard to get right and very painful to split up when it goes wrong.

Ask yourself, who is your emotional priority? Who do you think your BF's is?

That's why it's so hard to get together successfully and why you need to go much much slower - I'm talking years. And, my advice is, leave your DS out of it as much as you can.

Honey, I have been out 4 times this year. 3 times for WORK, once with other School mums. I know what you are talking about.

Ignore the spectacularly bitchy comments and make the time to have a proper adult life in addition to the life as Mum.

It is so FUCKING easy to sit there and judge a single parent with no input from the father. Going out twice in a year is NOT a life, for ANYONE!

My X is in another flaming country, even if he WAS here he'd do FA.

Carry on seeing this guy, but get to know him properly before things get too involved with kids etc. If he's worth it love, he'll make the effort. Introduce him as a friend perhaps and see how it all goes.

Manage your DS expectations. Don't involve him if you can help it, but make sure it's low key if you have to do so.

I can't honestly tell you everything will be ok . I have had a very traumatic time with my husbands 2 children. Think very carefully before you proceed with this relationship . Step families have a high rate of breaking down because of all the multiple stresses involved .

As you live down the road from each other and your dc go the same school, I can't see why either of you saw fit to make a grand announcement when you could no doubt have arranged to 'coincidentally' meet up with your dc when you were out and about in the current school holidays - both going to see the same film, having lunch in the same restaurant etc.

This could have led to further arranged meetings by mutual consent so that the dc became familiar with each other gradually and without fanfare and you became part of the furniture, so to speak, rather than a potential threat to their routine.

The problem is that if one of his dc has taken against the idea of him seeing you they make take against your ds, and if your ds is over-enamoured at the possibility of becoming part of a 'blended' family he may broadcast the news to his schoolfriends.

I'm also of the opinion that 2 months of occasional furtive shags meetings is not long enough to support your assertion that you have found your 'perfect' man'.

If he was the one to come up with this half-baked plan to break the news to your dc in this manner so early in your relationship, I'd be running a mile.

And definitely leave your DS out of it as long as you can . He needs protecting please don't expose him to all of this too soon .

The trouble is, the honeymoon buzz can last up to 2 years! I also think that you can know when your own feelings are more than just that buzz.

You have to bear in mind, though we never met before, we have many mutual friends and acquaintances, we live in a small provincial town of less than 2000 people and only one primary school, every one knows everyone or they know about them. Word would have got out eventually to our kids.

The plus side is, that you soon learn more about a person, their character, their history, their treatment of others, than you would in another more anonymous situation. I may not see this person every day, but we talk every day and we talk about each other to our friends every day. He even knows my dad from years back.

If he was a bad person, I'd know about it. I know I am a good person. I know he is a good person. I know we get on like we have known each other for years. We have more than passion. We have a deep friendship and respect.

Yes, maybe our feelings could change, though I doubt it. I did worry about it at first. And then I told myself, "sod it! I could just worry myself out of a bloody good thing. Just sit back and enjoy".

Which is what I should have done instead of posting on here, where there are a few too many people who live on planet paranoia and believe that every relationship is a disaster waiting to happen, just like every man must be a closet serial rapist/adulterer/absent father, and every child must have ishoos and need therapy blah blah blah.

And we aren't planning to move in together yet! We mentioned that if (very big if) things work out we could discuss moving in together after a year or so. We were both thinking the same thing at the same time, which we do a lot.

What would be the point in us being together and falling for each other if I was hell bent on remaining independant for the rest of my life, but he was sure he wanted to settle down again one day (or vice versa)???? All we said was that we both would consider living together if everything works out. How is that too fast? Yes I could see this happening further on down the line, and it gives me great pleasure, but I can also put my sensible hat on and see that we need plenty more time before we get to that stage. Hells bells!

As for my son, I never suggested to him that we would move in. He has probably got that from other friends of his where there is a blended family, I would hazard a guess. I have not suggested that to him.